Thursday, March 02, 2006

All right, bitches. You asked for it.

I begin a Tragic Love story. Grab a hankie. I'll wait.

Back? Ok.

Ahem.

Two balls of yarn.
He's Lagoon Montague, a straight-laced ladder yarn.
She's Chambray Capulet, a free-spirited eyelash.
They share a Common Colorway. They share a dream.

One day, they'll make it out of Penny Karma's stash. Somehow, someday, they'll make something of themselves and become Something Meaningful. Something Useful. Something Beautiful.

And they'll always be toegether.

You see potential here, don't you? Maybe? They'd make a cute couple?



And they dated for a while.

The Montagues told Lagoon, "She's not your kind, Lagoon - stick to your own kind! Eyelash yarn is the White Trash of Yarn Society, and we won't allow this relationship to continue! Think of your family, Lagoon! Don't shame us by hanging out with... with... oh, dare we say it... CHAIN STORE YARN!!"

And Chambray's friends told her "Girrrrl, he's too boring to hang with you. Eyelash is Hot Novelty, and Ladder Yarns are at the bottom of the Novelty Yarn Bargain Bin. You better tell him to drag his laddery ass back to KnitPicks. He thinks he's better than Hobby Lobby yarn. He's not good enough for YOU, sistah."

But Lagoon and Chambray wouldn't listen. They thought they were beautiful together. So they eloped and got married, against the advice of everyone.

They dined every night at The Circular Needle, they attended Olympic Events, saw Oscar-nominated movies (including North Country, which had a really cheesy ending, IMHO, but back to the story), and Chambray hoped that Lagoon would ask her if she wanted to become a Knited Prom Dress with him. But it was not to be.





They stayed together for about 3 weeks, and then the honeymoon was over. Something wasn't right. Neither lived up to the other's expectations. He wanted her to lay flat, she wanted him to loosen up. They realized what a mistake their union was.

Sometimes two ugly things can defy the odds and come together in a way that is beautiful. And sometimes two ugly things make a REALLY UGLY THING.

They were doomed from the start. Star-crossed lovers, destined to become nothing more than Unfroggable Muppetesque Fug.



They agreed to attend Yarn Couples' Therapy, where they were forced to take a closer look at themselves. And that didn't make the situation look any better. They were still not right together. As individuals, they were strong, but together, they only brought out the worst in each other. He started drinking and smacking her around, she started sleeping with her boss. Which was an accident, really, I kinda dozed off while knitting and sipping a beer.

If this story had a moral, it would be DON'T KNIT DRUNK.
Unfortunately, it doesn't, because I have no morals.



Note:
This color is closer to the real color of it. Chambray didn't look like Grover sitting on the shelf. Honest.


They even tried to find a place to live on the shoulders of an unsuspecting Three-Year-Old Boy. A swarm of papparazzi captured this moment. The boy closed his eyes in humiliation and immediately removed Lagoon and Chambray from his body, even attempting to angrily rip apart their forbidden love. He was quickly tackled by an onlooker and arrested.




But there is good news, my friends!
Lagoon and Chambray have decided to stick it out through the FIRST OFFICIAL KNITTYHEAD FUG-OFF!!

12 comments:

Bezzie said...

I laughed, I cried! I can't wait for the movie adaptation--who are you going to play Lagoon and Chambray?

Nice fug!

Penny Karma said...

Casting is still in negotiations, but if all goes well, Lagoon will be played by Randy Quaid and Chambray will be played by Dame Judi Dench.

DomesticOverlord said...

LMAO! I can picture Randy Quaid and Judi Dench's forbidden love story. I have got to stop Irishing up my morning coffee...

Your SP said...

Oh too funny, m'dear!

I wanted to let you know that not only have I NOT forgotten about you (you were wondering, admit it!) but I've been quietly and secretly putting together a package of wonderful crap (no dog turds, I promise) for you. It's coming, so grab a tissue ;)

Penny Karma said...

Hey sistah!

I am sitting here with a cup of Adagio Earl Grey right now - in a groovy thermal mug!

Nessie Noodle said...

you are FREEEGIN KILLING ME!
YES- I am so in on this. I wasn't going to join any more of these things, I am too busy- but I can't help it. ...
Let's get this Fugly going, shall we???

ps your little prize should be in the mail in the next day or so...

Nessie Noodle said...

you are FREEEGIN KILLING ME!
YES- I am so in on this. I wasn't going to join any more of these things, I am too busy- but I can't help it. ...
Let's get this Fugly going, shall we???

ps your little prize should be in the mail in the next day or so...

Ali said...

Penny,

Good Gawd woman, you are HILARIOUS!

Pure comedy/knitting brilliance. No, not the ACTUAL knitting. The combo of knitting and comedy....you are bang on.

I'd love to make you my new hero, but I kinda already have Monkee and I just plain worship my Zib. But, I will cheat a little with you. I'll be back to this blog.

Penny Karma said...

Oh, I've been The Other Woman a time or two in my life.

Would you feel more faithful if I told you I love Zib and Monkee too?

Jennifer said...

My word... That's some fug going on. You are hilarious!

Stacie said...

What an awesome story! I don't know ya but I love ya! I'm hooked on this blog now fer real...

Sharon G. said...

Ohh, nice fug.
you made me snort....