Friday, December 14, 2007

Honey, Bring Your Caulk, I Want To Take A Nap.

Ok, I have like a billion things to talk about, I'm way behind on Blogstalking, AND I got my Turtlegirl Yarn in the mail yesterday, but I have to tell this story before I forget.

Yesterday we got the notification in the mail that Pie had been accepted to the district's Gifted Program. He made the 98th percentile! We were pretty confident that he'd make it, we would have been more surprised if he didn't.

But this means two things: A) He'll go for a full day on Mondays with Beebie (which gives me A MORNING TO MYSELF) and B) My reasons for not wanting to look at other school districts back when we were house-hunting were completely valid.

Told ya, FIL!!!

Oh, and it means one other thing. I get to remind the Aldis that my kids are smarter than theirs. And very few things in this world fill my cold black heart with as much glee as being a catty little bitch, especially when I get R to participate with me. He's an even cattier little bitch than I am, and I LOVE it.

I'm sure some of you may be new to my blog, and even if you're not, I think it might be appropriate at this point to remind you of a few of the myriad reasons why the Aldis (my husband's older brother and his wife) annoy me.

This is an actual email I sent to my friend Renee back in 2002:

Well, I'm sure you remember Reverend and Mrs. Aldi who are notorious for giving us re-gifted, crappy, age-inappropriate and incorrectly sized gifts (remember my Winnie-The-Pooh sweatshirt from the Juniors department and the Bubble Train for ages 18 months+ for Beeb's 4th birthday?) that were purchased on clearance and put away for a gift-giving occasion that could be months away, rendering the shitty gift virtually unreturnable and worth about 33 cents in store credit if you can even determine which store it was purchased from?

And forget a gift receipt since you'd only get back what they actually paid for it, which probably isn't much more anyway. We end up giving the gifts they give Beeb to Toys for Tots, which means I have to figure out a place to store it for 6 months.

And I'm sure you remember how we attempted to rise above this gift-giving inequity and continued to buy cool gifts for their daughter Aldigirl, such as a wooden dollhouse and a Rainbow Princess Barbie, which were met with Mrs. Aldi muttering audibly "oh greeeeeeeaaat, more little pieces for me to pick up..." Bitch.

Well, we got wise to their scheme and decided to play it to our advantage. Now, we look for toys with lots of parts that are completely annoying on clearance and put them away to give to Aldigirl. It's like a sport, and R and I are great at it. In fact, it's brought us closer together as a couple.

At one point we found the Baskin Robbins mini ice cream maker on clearance for $3.49 at Target, but then we found it at WalMart for 20 bucks, so we returned it to WalMart (hee hee) and made money on the deal.

Then we found Cootie Jitterbug - a battery-operated, noisy and annoying version of the original, and put it away for nearly a year until Aldigirl's birthday. Thank GOD they didn't have a party for her again this year. Every year they try to cram like 12 grownups and 7 kids in their house. No, Reverend Aldi had a conference in LA, so they actually purchased a plane ticket and took Aldigirl to Disneyland for her 4th birthday. Whatever.

Anyway, we presented Aldigirl with her gift at Easter (in a non-reusable slightly torn gift bag, as I had covered every detail) and to my delight, she shrieked "I ALREADY HAVE THIS GAME!!!"

Gleefully I imagined the scenario that we had endured so many times before - standing in line at the return counter "um, yeah, I got this as a gift and I need to return it..." "yeah, RIGHT! we haven't had those on the shelves for 6 months! You can have a dollar in store credit, if ya want it..." "no, thanks..."

Well, apparently Mrs. Aldi knew exactly what it was worth (since she probably bought it at the same time we did), because her reaction was NOT "that's okay, we'll see if they'll exchange it...", instead it was "oh...you love that game...now you can have one upstairs and one downstairs..."

And the best part was that I was in the bathroom at the time, where I could hear everything and yet freely snicker without fear of an embarrassing social faux pas. I was so tickled by my triumphant victory, I don't even care if she's onto us, which I suspect she is.


Two years ago Aldigirl gave Beeb what appeared to be a surprisingly cool gift - a "Juice Box" MP3 player. It was cool, but we soon discovered that it was discontinued and finding new cartridges for it was going to be a major pain in the ass. Another clearance rack fiasco. Thanks, Aldis. At least they're consistent enough to be predictable.

The next amusing incident requires a little bit of a set-up. Since Aldigirl's birth, exactly nine months and five days after Beebie came, Mrs. Aldi got Aldigirl's picture taken once a month, every month, for YEARS. And she would buy them in four of five different poses, and let me "choose my favorites", which was always a little uncomfortable, since I really didn't like any of them.

Their kids look like they could be the love children of Mr. Bean. Seriously.


We literally have drawers full of baby pictures of Aldigirl and Aldiboy. And on the back of each one is a printed label with their respective ages in Months and in some cases, Weeks.

LIKE. I. CARE.

Now, I don't take my kids' pictures that often. With mine, I kinda went with the "once every three months for the first year and once a year after that" plan. (And I haven't even been that religious about it, really. I think Tito had a picture for his first birthday and that was it. Oops.) So whenever I have pictures of my kids, I feel obligated to share them with the Aldis.

On Mother's Day last year we took out the boys' school pictures and one that Beeb had taken of her sitting on the floor - one of those portraits where you're sitting and your shoes show up in the shot. It was taken at school, but it's not the standard School Picture picture. It was really cute.

I handed the pics to Mrs. Aldi and after she said how adorable and grown-up my boys looked, she asked where we got Beeb's picture taken.

"Oh, I think they took it at CCL..."

CCL is our district's Gifted Program. I just love pointing out that my kid got into it and theirs didn't. Yeah, it's bitchy. I know.

A few years ago Reverend and Mrs. Aldi informed the family that Aldigirl would be testing for the gifted program. I almost choked on whatever I was eating when I heard that. R and I personally witnessed the child eating a crayon when she was 5 years old, swear to God.

The best part of the next several weeks was that I didn't even have to do anything to enjoy how this story evolved. MIL and FIL were the ones who kept asking them if they'd heard anything yet. They hadn't, and R and I knew they weren't going to, but it was fun to hear the Aldis dodge the subject whenever it came up.

Then one day when I went to drop Beebie off at the gifted program building I saw Aldigirl's name on the visitor's sheet and "testing" beside it, dated two months earlier. So I was sure they had to have heard something by now.

And of course, they never actually told us that she didn't make it, but the excuses they kept giving were incredibly entertaining. My favorite had to do with the fact that Aldigirl had broken her arm a few weeks prior - I forget how but I'm sure it was funny - and it somehow affected her ability to perform on an intelligence test. Ok, maybe there's a valid case to be made for her not being able to focus or something, but come on, a broken arm doesn't affect your brain.

Annnnnyway, since then I have taken demented delight not in bringing up the Gifted Program, but in simply sitting back and allowing the Gifted Program to be brought up by other people in the Aldis' presence as much as possible. Y'all can hate me if you want, and you probably should, but exactly how often does shit fall together EXACTLY like I want it, for my maximum possible amusement?

Exactly never. Except for this.

And here's the total beauty of it - I NEVER bring it up myself, so that allows me to feel like slightly less of a bitch. See, they can't ever say, "Good God, Sarah never shuts up about that gifted program." So they can be bitter all they want, just not at me.

It would be one thing if I were the one bringing it up just to be twatty, but honestly, I'm not. MIL and FIL, every time we're out there, will ask us something about what Beebie's doing in the program, or sometimes at larger family functions Carol the Boob-Starer (R's cousin's wife who CONSTANTLY stares at my rack when she's talking to me) or Mrs. Happiestfamilyinthewholewideworld (not sure if I've mentioned her but her Christmas card will surely arrive any day) will ask which classes Beeb is taking because their kids go there too, and that's my absolute favorite.

Carol will talk about Little Ricky's Mission to Mars class, Mrs. Happiest will talk about how her Tracy's class raised $4000 for The Heifer Project, I'll talk about Beeb's French Civ class researching and formally submitting a potential route for the 2008 Tour De France (seriously!) and the Aldis get to talk about how their kid can twirl a flaming baton, throw it up in the air, land in the splits and catch it in her teeth.

Great fuckin resume she's got going there.

By now I'm sure you're probably wondering about the title of this post. Well, I'm going somewhere with all of this, I promise.

As I mentioned, R shares my sentiment toward the Aldis and enjoys just as much as I do passively drawing attention to why their kids are going to work for my kids someday. So when we got the packet in the mail, we already knew it was going to be (with absolutely no effort on our part) a topic of conversation at Christmas. Fuckin' beautiful!

Everyone knew that Pie was testing. A couple of weeks ago R went to get something from The Reverend and The Rev asked if we'd heard anything back yet. R said we hadn't, and the Reverend said (ok, imagine a recording of the voice of Eeyore playing at a super-slow speed),

Yeeeeeeahhh, wellllll... we think Aldigirl has the intellllllllllligence for it.... she just doesn't have the diiiiiiiiscipliiiiiiiine. We've had some prooooooblems getting her to doooooo her hoooooooomeworrrrrrrrk.

Whatever. Dude, seriously. Give it up.

I knew MIL and FIL had been anxious to hear if he got in, so I asked R if he wanted to call his parents right then to let them now, instead of waiting until Sunday evening like he and his siblings usually do.

No, I'll wait till Sunday, and I'll be sure to call them before the Aldis do.

And the fact that I knew exactly what he meant by it (that it would give his parents the opportunity to inform the Aldis, thereby keeping our consciences clear) I gotta tell ya, it was hot. So hot, in fact, that I said,

Honey, I am SO. TURNED. ON. RIGHT. NOW.

(Ok, the whole gifted program backstory was intended to paint a vivid picture of precisely why R's comment turned me on so much. I know I went a long way for it, and thanks for sticking with me.)

Oh, and I forgot to mention that Beeb was sitting on the bed watching TV with us.

So after I announced that I was turned on (and I didn't say it very loud) R said, "Um, hey Beeb, why don't ya go read in your room. Mom and I want to... uh... take a nap."

I sincerely hope that his choice of words is no reflection on my (ahem) abilities.

Beeb came back with -

I KNOW what you guys are doing. I KNOW what you're talking about. AND IT'S TOOOOOOOTALLY DISTURBING.

I was shocked! What?? We're as icky as our parents are? But I'm only 36! I'm still hot! I'm a MILF!

Ugh, it's like, soooo gross to think about your parents...

Beebie, you should be happy that you have a mom and a dad who love each other so much! Seriously, Beeb, how do you think YOU got here?

I KNOW how I got here, Mom. I watched a movie about it at school last year.


Beeb, if it makes you feel any better, it kinda icks me out to think about my parents too...

OH MY GAWD!!!! EEEEEEWWWWW!!!!
NANA AND POP POP!!!!!!!! THAT'S DISGUSTING!!!!


So now, whenever we want to freak her out, we're going to wink at each other right in front of her and say "Hey, honey... ya wanna take a nap??!!"

SCARRED. FOR. LIFE.

14 comments:

Kevin said...

Every child gets scarred by something. Why not have it be something so innocuous, and yet so (adult-oriented) fun?

Trillian42 said...

This post?

Reason #8,412 why I LOVE YOU.

I so wish we lived near each other - we could have SO much fun...

:D

PAJNSTL said...

"catching a flaming baton with her teeth while doing the splits"

*DEAD* You crack me up! lol

Beverly said...

You mean, none of the kids have walked in on you guys? I think that scarred me more than any general knowledge of my parents "coupling."

CBear said...

I think I love you...

seriously...

marry me...

now...


Thank you for this post - it's what I needed most today.

Seriously, I really do love you. Marry me.

Bezzie said...

Oh my god. I'm laughing because I've MET your sweet parents and I'm with Beeb--ewww! They're so cute!

Great story. Be sure to keep us up to date with how the Aldi's take the announcement of Pie's acceptance ;-)

Poops said...

No, you're MINE! All MINE, I say!

And just when I thought I couldn't love you more, you just take it right over the top.

*sound of heart bursting with delight*

Carol said...

I don't feel so bad about MY family-in-law....

cpurl17 said...

After all this time, you've still got it babe. Great post!

turtlegirl76 said...

Best. Post. EVER.

Dulcedosa said...

You are so freakin' E.V.I.L. You're freakin' GENIUS yourself. I LOVE IT! LMAO! ..take a nap! YES! Napping is my most favorite thing in the whole wide world.

Batty said...

I can so tell where the kids get it from! You're smart and funny, which is a fabulous combination. And, better yet... you were right!

The whole karma thing seems to be working surprisingly well. You rock!

Elspeth said...

Congrats! Now you've only got one more to get into the gifted program!

Ed said...

Cruel, vindictive, manipulative, devious and totally twisted.

MARRY ME!