Saturday, April 25, 2009

My Mini-rant / Astute Observation on Parenting.

I discovered long ago that the written transcript of my life includes basically the same sentences several times each day. This collection of sentences in my parental arsenal is like a carpenter's toolbox. It's like Rambo's M60. It helps me do my job.

Although the specific words may vary slightly, the sentiment behind them usually falls within the scope of Shock, Disbelief, Frustration, and Defeat.

Here are a few examples of what I'm talking about:

How did the (foreign substance) get (preposition) the (noun)?

Oh, (adjective) (deity), why can't you (verb) like a normal person?

Do I even want to know why you'd put a
(noun) in a (appliance)?

For (expletive)'s sake, will you stop (verb ending in -ing) so (adverb ending in -ly)?

You can not tell your (relative) to (verb) himself.

Did you just give a (snack food) to a (wild animal)?

No, we're not going to the (fun place); we're going to the (boring place).

If you (verb) in (house of worship) (number) more times, I'm going to (verb) your (body part) so (adverb), it'll be (color) for (number) (measurement of time).

You gotta be (expletive) (expletive) (expletive) kidding me.

I call these Mommy Mad Libs.


Anonymous said...

I'm pretty sure that I have heard you use all of those at one time or another.

And I'm also pretty sure you've used a few of those when talking to me. And by that, I mean aimed them at me, not we're talking, and our conversation is interrupted by an Ape (or R...) doing something to cause you to use one of those phrases.

I think we even use some of those with our cats... And I know Superwife has said a few of those to me over the years.

No, we're not going to the liquor store we;re going to the shoe store

SiressYorkie said...

Oh my goodness, that had me laughing harder than I've laughed in yonks. I think I'll copy it over to my blog and take the credit.


In our house it's:

"No, we can't have (food) for (meal) again because we always have (food) for (meal), and if I eat (food) for (meal) one more time, I'm going to turn into a pile of (basic ingredients)."


Max? Did you go (excretory bodily function)? Did you (series of hygienic ablutions)? No?? Then please come down here and (series of hygienic ablutions).

Or even...

"Max, why is there (undergarment) on the (large piece of furniture or room illumination device)??"

It gets even more fun in German.

Lintulai said...

I just love this post! Not only for the humor, but for the entertainment for my linguistic side!

Poops said...

If I may use your example:

I'm laughing so hard right now that my (expletive)(body part) is (verb ending in -ing).

I have beheld the brilliance, and it is blinding.

jessica o said...

I (verb) you. Mad Libs rule. And so do you!

Rip said...

You so totally need a book deal.

L Dawg said...

I love it, too! Yes, a book deal for you would be a great idea!

The Beautiful Kind said...

Hilarious! You DO need a book deal. See you on Oprah.

PS: Did you just give a goldfish cracker to an elk?