Monday, May 11, 2009

I enjoy being a girl. Ok, not really.

I think this is one of the most hysterical pictures I've ever seen. It's from my friend Cecelia's daughter's 4th birthday party. Fancy little girls, all dressed up and dainty, waiting ever-so-patiently to politely beat the crap out of the Disney Princess Pinata. Genius.

I think I was born to be a boy mom, but sometimes I do wish I had another little girl because I kinda miss shopping in the pukey pink aisle for the fun little girl toys marketed to reflect our ever-changing societal priorities. Did we even know what SPF was thirty years ago?

I hate the boy toys aisle. I hate Pokemon and all its derivatives. What the fuck's a Squirtle? It seems like only yesterday that those evil BRATZ dolls were a part of my everyday life. Can we talk about BRATZ dolls for a minute? Who came up with these posable mini sluts???

This is actually the one I find least offensive.

This one has stylish pink metallic holsters for her pistols and a handy purse for carrying her tiny NRA membership card.

This one looks like it should come with a child-sized stripper pole.

This one comes with a free Pussycat Dolls CD. Just kidding.

Should 6-year-olds REALLY be encouraged to act out a "First Date with the new boy in town" scenario with their dolls??? That shit shouldn't even be on their radar screen. I hope her mom's gonna run a background check on his ass. Do these dolls even HAVE parents who let them leave the house dressed like that?

Here's my personal favorite:


Such lovely role models. Beeb went through what was, thankfully, a relatively brief BRATZ craze. Her Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen videos craze lasted far longer. And now my little girl is almost twelve.

Girl moms, once you're past Disney Princesses, Bratz and Olsen Twins movies, here's what you have to look forward to:

(For the record, I'm not particularly sporty or even remotely athletic. These were on sale, plus I had a coupon.)

Yesterday I discovered that these Playtex Sport Tampons come with Delightful Inspirational Messages printed on the individual wrappers. Like a Fuckin Fortune Cookie.

If I'd been in charge of Project Fortune Cookie Tampons, I would have put one in there that said "Go with the flow", just to be an asshole. Still, some of them I found quite hilarious.

I'M ON YOUR TEAM? Who's supposed to be the one speaking? Is it supposed to represent the voice of the tampon itself? The TAMPON's on my team? What the fuck is that about??? Yay! It's me and my tampon, against the world!

Ya wanna know MY new form of fearlessness? Beating the fuckin shit out of anyone who gets in my fuckin face when I'm on my fuckin period. I'm just sayin.

Did I sound like I have trouble with the fearlessness? BACK THE FUCK OFF!!

Does being doubled over in a fetal position with horrific cramps count?

Fuck you!

I got yer peak performance right here, muthahfuggah. You can't handle my peak performance.

To the bathroom!

I dream of early menopause.

Is this one meant for the BRATZ doll with the pink pistols?

More tampons! Go Get 'Em.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? I don't know about you girls, but that's about the LAST fuckin thing on MY mind at that time of the month.

My goal is not to kill anyone today.

And if I don't reach my goal? Well, fuck it, they pissed me off. I did my best to not kill them, it just didn't work.

I always give a victory speech when I manage to get through the day without leaving flaming carnage in my wake.

That one's almost condescending, if you think about it.

Midol, a heating pad, a bag of chips and a tube of cookie dough. What's yours?

Just don't wear white pants!

Show 'em what I got? I got my FUCKIN PERIOD, Shitbrain! I'm trying NOT to show 'em what I got! Isn't that your job, as a tampon, to keep 'what I got' between you and me??

Am I alone in feeling these are unbelievably insulting? I'd love to have been at the pitch meeting for this shit. Can't you just see some dude in a suit with graphs and pie charts explaining to the Marketing Team that all a menstruating girl really needs is a little pep talk from her tampon to change her whole outlook on the next five to seven days? Doesn't that guy have a sister? Or a mom?

Don't ANY women work for Playtex??? Put a fuckin Snickers in the box, for fuck's sake!!

Do the Playtex people honestly think that we, as women, are so pathetically fragile that we're emotionally dependent on inanimate objects to help us summon our own inner fortitude? What's next? Toilet paper with "Girl, you're so awesome, your shit don't even stink!" printed on it? Jeezus.

I would SO have stood on top of the conference table and ripped the guy's face off with my bare hands.

My defense before the jury would be -
My tampons never loved me.


Anonymous said...

Right now I'm feeling pretty good about being a guy...

I'm actually laughing out loud at my desk. And feeling inspired.

I'm also so tempted to make an "I've got your Squirtle right here" comment, but that would be just crude. And we all know I'm so above being crude.

Oh for FUCK SAKE - me verification "word?" "humensop"

you can't make that shit up.

Mattie said...

I feel compelled to say, after stumbling across your blog, I truly love it.

Poops said...

No words. Just no. Can't. Stop. Laughing....

Bezzie said...

Wow, this post almost makes me sad I'm not riding my red pony every month. Almost.

turtlegirl76 said...

OMG. I've never once stopped to look at any of the wrappers on my tampons. This is the kinda shit they're printing on them?

Jules said...

Fortune tampons. So cool. Had to say Hi Penny. This was great. Forgive me for everything I have ever plagiarized from you.
Long time lurker............

Anonymous said...

Ewwwwwww ... I often think I'm happy I have only boys as well. I don't think I could deal with playing dolls all day and/or wearing matching tampons.

Jo said...

Omigod - you were almost responsible for my demise. First I flinched at the freakin' princess picture - but then I choked on my gum when I saw the tampon wrappers!

SiressYorkie said...

Aww, I thought the princess picture was really cute. Max had a Pirates and Princess party our last year in England, and it was a laugh riot. The little girls were all proper and mincing about, and the little boys were running round with eye patches, hook hands, and looking to buckle some swash but not really sure what that would entail. YARGH!

Maybe you should treat the Fortune Tampons like you do a real fortune cookie and add "in bed" after every one.

"Keep a clear bed."

"What's your game bed?"

"All you can do is your bed."

Oh dear dear...that last one sounded a bit defeatist.

I had a dream about you last night, actually. I dreamt we were hooking up to go shopping or something, and you'd lost so much weight you looked like a model. And I was so insanely jealous of you and kept thing, Mouthy skinny little bitch. Wish she'd just shut the hell up and eat a doughnut already...her and that damned Lubaba can just go suck it.

I think I have issues, PK.

Cindy in Happy Valley said...

I wish I could explain to my colleague in the next office why I just spit all over my keyboard.

A word to the wise about early menopause...if you value your sleep, you'll only wish it on your worst enemy. But you get a lot of knitting and reading done. (Then you have to fix all the mistakes the next morning.)

Anonymous said...

SiressYorkie, I'm not just saying this to win brownie points (because with 3 simple words I can lose them all), But Our Penny Karma has the looks of a model even without being a "skinny little bitch." She's incredibly photogenic - a trait she has passed onto all the apes, BTW.

I know we've all been caught up in the inspiring tampons, but I think Penny made a great point earlier in the post about the slutification of our young girls. I'm not a parent, but I'm friends with many parents, and I'm also an attention-paying member of society...

The message we're sending to our kids (both boys and girls) is that even at that young age, sexuality is what defines a woman. Which is an insult to women - and men. I'm not sure what disturbs me more - that companies make those toys, or that parents buy them - and then dress their kids in the same clothing. I'm sorry - if I see a female dressed in revealing clothing, I don't want to have to quickly shift my gaze because it turns out she's 12.

Kashmir Knitter said...

I want to write fortunes for tampons.

"Your pants will not fit until next week."

"Your mom wasn't being a bitch, you were."

"Wine is your friend."

"At least you're not pregnant!"

I rule at this.

Kay aka dkswife said...

I like what Kev wrote.

And, those words of motivation and inspiration on the tampons, I am still laughing about those!!!


SiressYorkie said...

What if we redesigned tampon packages with KK's suggestions, along with DE-motivational sayings, like...

"Bet your face is a mess, too."

"Don't flush could kill baby harp seals."

"Hey, you're probably bloated too."

"EVERYONE knows you're on the rag. And they're talking about it."

"Don't things that bleed for seven days straight usually die?"

Anonymous said...

SiressYorkie, Are you sure that's a good idea? I mean, I'm not a woman, but Iv'e lived with women my whole life, and I get the feeling that such comments could lead to mass murder... And the "tampon defense" would become a regular fixture on Law and Order.

Nell said...

I just pissed myself. Hope you're happy!

Anonymous said...

While my all time favorite euphemism is still "playing banjo in Sgt. Menstro's rag time band," I think I may start using "feeling inspired."

Feel free to use it as well.

Audrey S. said...

And the sad thing is, people pay to hear/read/buy that shit. Unbelievable.

DD is now almost 14 and just got "tweeted by some 17 year old celebrity who lives nearby and shares her birthday. I'd say we've got bigger problems than Bratz dolls at this point. She was only into the Bratz thing for about 15 minutes back there...around the age of 9 or 10, just after the mutilation-of-Barbie stage.

Wish I'd had a boy. Somehow, I think that would have been easier. Real hard to say to your girlchild, when it hits home after about the second or third period, that she is going to go through this every single freaking month for years to come, that yes, it really IS like that (and she has a MUCH easier time than I ever had), and that yes, it's hard to find advantages to being female (oh boy, pregnancy! check. menstruation! check. getting paid $.75 to every male $1! check.

Surgical menopause turned out to be a HUGE blessing. I'm MUCH nicer now!

Calliope said...

just found this post by googling more info on these crazy wrappers. Brilliant!