Thursday, May 18, 2006

Behold My Ignorance!

I've been accused of being someone who thinks they know everything. Here's the thing, though. I know I don't know everything. I never said I know everything.

I think I know more than most people do, but I'm sure there are people who know more than I do. I just don't meet them very often. Why is that my fault?

I keed.

According to my Primary Accuser (cough - hubby - cough cough), I have a hard time admitting when there's something I don't know. He claims that I never admit when I'm wrong.
I don't think so.

In fact, there's a bunch of stuff that baffles and befuddles me. I reserve the right to add more stuff that I don't understand to this list and to delete items that I manage to figure out. Behold.

- Last week I got a phone call from my mail order prescription drug provider. It seems that the shipment they had sent me was returned, and they were calling to make sure they had my correct address. Funny, I got a BILL from them two days before, no problem.

- Why don't men understand that telling us "Oh, honey, don't worry about the laundry today" does NOT count as a Mother's Day gift unless you mean "I'll take care of it", and not "You can just do it tomorrow instead"?

- What is it with little boys and Weenie Talk? For the last week I have heard the phrase "YOU BROKE MY WIENER!" about five hundred times.

Why? What does it mean? I have no idea. The boys wrestle around on the floor and then when one of them gets hurt, the other says "You broke my wiener! You put it in the toaster!" and they both double over in hysterics.

Ok, it is kinda funny. If you like Beavis and Butthead. Which I do.

- If a food item with All The Fat usually tastes WAY better than the Low-Fat version of the same item, why aren't we all just sitting around eating Crisco out of the can with a spoon?

- Why do people pay so much attention to what Oprah likes?

I don't mind that Oprah tells us what she likes - shoes, iPods, pajamas, popcorn, cake, and the Book Club selections (don't even get me started on the whole James Frey thing). In fact, I appreciate her suggestions on what's the best stuff I'll probably never own.

But she's just a person. Granted, she's a person with more money than most people will ever see in their lives, who could buy anything she wants. For whatever reason, that makes people want to know what a person to whom money is no object spends her money on. Doesn't it make more sense to find out what someone who has very little disposable income to spend on unnecessary stuff purchases? What really bothers me is that I know people who wait for Oprah's Latest Decree before they buy or read anything, as a means of avoiding the pesky time and energy depletion that comes from formulating one's own opinions.

So I decided that today, inspired by both Oprah and Julie Andrews, I will tell you all that these are a few of MY Favorite Things. You don't have to buy them. In fact, don't. Then there will be more left for me.

Ready? Here we go.

1. The only thing I love more than Werther's Chewy Caramels are Cadbury Mini Eggs. The sound of my teeth breaking through the thin candy layer to the pure, blissful chocolate inside is like the sweet song of angels. You can only get them at Eastertime (I've tried to get them through Cadbury UK and they won't ship them to the US, those bastages), so I buy up as many as I can and try to make them last until next year. It never works. I bought four bags on the day after Easter and I'm already on bag #4.

2. Second only to the aforementioned Cadbury Mini Eggs is Werther's Chewy Caramels. A little smackerel of buttery heaven.

3. Crest Whitening Expressions in Cinnamon Blast. To scrub the Chewy Caramels out of my teeth. It Oprah brushed her own teeth, this is what she'd use.

4. I'm a recent convert to Tea Drinking. I'm by no means a connisseur, but I've been quite impressed by Adagio teas and by Teavana. Their selection, customer service, and ease of navigating their websites compliments the quality of their products. Bravo.

5. Bamboo Sheets. Knitters know how soft bamboo is. Yowza! I got my sheets at Target. Think Oprah's ever been in a Target store? Or to a Church Rummage Sale (one of my favorite things in the whole wide world)?

6. Downy Wrinkle Releaser. Funny story - when Beeb was in pre-school, she found a toy iron in the "play house" area of the room and asked her teacher "What is this thing?" Since she'd never seen one in use. At least it wasn't a toothbrush or something like that. I do NOT iron. Like, ever. I have an ironing board in the basement with about a 1/2 inch of dust on it.

7. The DYMO Lerta Tag Label Maker. This thing changes lives, people. Invest in one and you'll see. I think it was about $20 at Target, and believe it or not, my kids have kept the living room clean (relatively) since I labeled all the toy bins. Love it, love it, love it. I betcha anything Oprah has one, or whoever cleans Oprah's house does, anyway.

8. Mo Willems books. My kids absolutely love this guy, and so do I. Don't Let the Pidgeon Drive the Bus is hilarious, and Knuffle Bunny is too.

9. Speaking of books - I have not only gotten books for free, but I've gotten rid of books I never thought anyone would want. So I'm replacing books I don't want with ones that I do want, and all for just the cost of shipping via Media Mail. It's not always easy to find Knitting books on there, but you can post a wish list and they'll email you if someone posts the books you want. I've gotten A Million Little Pieces, Memoirs of a Geisha, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families, all kinds of stuff. And R loves getting his Sci-fi/Fantasy books here too.

Really a great deal all around, and this site is constantly growing and improving, but still maintains the feel of a close-knit club. To start, you have to post 9 books you want to trade, and then right away you'll get 3 credits to spend on whatever books you want. After that, every book you send someone else earns you another credit. Of course, now all I need is to find some spare time so I can actually READ.

10. Dawn Direct Foam. I don't have a dishwasher. I have my own two hands. This is the best stuff I've found for getting icky grease off of pans and stuff. If Oprah hand-washed her own dishes, I bet this is the detergent she would use.

11. The George Foreman Grill. I love this thing, especially in the summertime. I think I want to upgrade to the biggest one.

12. Luvs Diapers. Believe me, I've tried them all. These are the best, and usually the cheapest of the Big Brands. If Oprah had a baby, I'd send her a box of these as a gift, a Mo Willems book, and a hand-knit baby blanket.

13. Musical Selections In my CD Player - Space Age Bachelor Pad Music by Esquivel, the Brokeback Mountain Soundtrack, and Tito Puente Ran Kan Kan.

14. The Reach Access Flosser. I eat a lot of...

15. Pop Secret Homestyle Popcorn, and this thing is a Godsend.

16. Head-On headache relief balm. If Oprah had her own headaches, this is what she would use.

17. Bonne Bell Lip Smacker in Pink Lemonade. From Target.

18. Reed Diffusers from Pier One. This was a bit of a gamble for me, since I have little kids who tend to knock over bottles of stuff that ruins furniture, but I put it up high where they can't reach it and I absolutely love it.

19. Method All-Purpose Cleaner in Lavender. Almost makes me want to clean. Almost.

20. And finally, Wellbutrin XL.

And check this out - I'm going to click here whenever I feel like Stuart Smalley in need of Daily Affirmation.

Doggone it, People Like Me! I felt the same way the first time Bezzie left me a comment. Now I can't get her to shut up.

And a cuppla lil things before I go -

I'm still so full from Lunch yesterday I feel like Jabba.
Still not one word from the Property Mismanagers.
Beeb's doing a project on our family's "culture". I told her we have none.


turtlegirl76 said...

I second the Method. But I dig the green cucumber stuff for the bathroom. Spray that stuff on the tiles and scrub lightly - ohmigod! The grout is actually white, belive it or not. The lavender is yummy too. I love all things method!

What's the Reed Diffuser?

Penny Karma said...

You get these little wooden sticks that you put into a bottle of scented oil and the scent diffuses - it's awesome!

I suppose if you really wanted you could use bamboo DPN's in a bottle scented oil and get the same result.

jackt said...

Haha this is a hilarious post. Especially the little Oprah snipes you have running throughout. And the laundry joke. Hahahahaha. Feel free to not do anything on your birthday as long as you do it some other day. hahahaha. :)

JRS said...

Wowzers! Now I feel like not only have I met Elvis, but that he actually scrawled his signature on my arm.

I'm totally with you on the Cadbury's thing. Would it kill them to sell things year-round? You'd think they'd be into all the extra money they could make. I used to buy dozens of Creme Eggs around Easter, just 'cuz I could get them, and then one year something happened and when I bit into one in like October it had been discovered by maggots. Now if they had just been selling fresh ones, this wouldn't have happened...and of course, now I have this aversion to them and will never be able to eat them again. Darn.

Bezzie said...

Hey! Wait a minute!

Shutting up now. :-x

Stacie said...

Oprah should be president, she'd win. Everyone would love her... Thanks for the laughs!

Elspeth said...

I didn't write it online or anyway, but I have been telling your poor Mother's Day story to anyone who will listen. Some of them knit and some blog, so does that count?

Dan said...

Cadbury mini eggs are still available on Ebay. Just thought you would like to know.

Trillian42 said...

I like your Favorite Things list WAY better than Oprah's. And I agree with most of them!

Cheryl said...

I am with you on the Downy Wrinkle Releaser!!!

AND YAY!! THE HIPPIES WON!! I loved those guys..

Rip said...

HAHAHA!! "If Oprah got her own headaches..."


A few of my favorite things:

1.) Penny K in all her splendiferous splendor
2.) Being driven to the airport by #1
3.) Having a beer with #1
4.) Playing darts with #1

I could go on, but it might get boring to your readers, who would get very jealous that I, a lowly neo-neighbor of yours, actually get to do items 2-3-4 with the living and breathing splendiferous PK herself. Jealousy can be ugly.