Sunday, May 14, 2006

Sucky Saturday, Continued. And Oh Yeah, MOTHER'S DAY.

What time did I post that Saturday drama? Noon-ish? Oh, the day got really interesting after that.

I decided to try to ignore the shenanigans and bury my head in housework. Y'know, since I was already in a bad mood anyway.

I let Beeb go out to play, since she'd been the most helpful and least annoying one, and I began to wash the dishes (using the fancy shmancy dishcloth that I made all by myself). About twenty minutes into it, Beeb came back in the front door and said "Mom!!!! Somebody spilled milk on the coffee table!!"

Turns out it wasn't milk, it was Diet Coke. And it had been sitting on the wood long enough for the wood to turn white. Apparently Tommy spilled it (where he got it, I don't know) and left it there.

I fuckin LOST it. It wasn't so much that it was what most people would consider a particularly nice table, but it the mere fact that that table was the best we could do, and seeing it destroyed made me heartsick. I screamed, cried, removed myself from the room and collapsed, sobbing, onto the top of the pile of dirty laundry in the basement.

I sent R a text message detailing the lastest craptastic twist in my Saturday, and as I lay there wiping my tears on dirty socks, I realized that I had no one to call at this very low moment. I don't like to bring my friends down (of course, I have no problem unloading every emotional synapse into this blog forum for total strangers and anyone performing a search for "Brokeback Mountain - The Musical" to read). I flipped all the way through my Contacts on my cell phone. Nope. Nobody would get it.

So I called my mom.

I told her how I'd started the day out with the very best of intentions, trying to get everyone into the spirit of helping out - what was I thinking? I told her about the stupid table and assured her that yes, I've been taking my meds, and she said,

"Did you get the card Dad and I sent?"

Oh, you mean the card that darn near made me cry? Yup.

Man, she was great. She calmed me down and suggested taking the kids out of the house for a little while just to get some fresh air and a change of scenery. I didn't want to take them out, since to me it would just be rewarding them for being total boneheads, but I said I would do it. And I did.

A few minutes later I gathered the kids, apologized for my outburst, and said let's get our shoes on and go for a drive. Tommy said, "Mommy, I sorry I made you be so sad." Way to stick a knife in my heart. I explained, as I did to Beeb when she was about three, that sometimes Mommy's feelings don't work right and I just get really sad and upset about stuff that's really not sad. I think it's important that they know that I know it's something I struggle with daily.

So then later we had dinner together (frozen pizza) and we went out to pick up some clothes that were being Freecycled. This was supposed to be a big bag of boys' clothes, which are always needed in this house, so I didn't mind making the hour-long roundtrip drive.

When we arrived, the bag that I was told would be there, was not. Turns out it was an honest mistake, someone else had come to pick something up and had taken the bag by mistake. We got ice cream instead, so the trip wasn't a total loss.

On the way home, Beeb asked if she could sleep out in the living room that night. She likes to fall asleep with the TV on, and being a Saturday night, things come on in the late night hours that I wouldn't want her to see. I asked her what she was planning on watching, and she said she wanted to watch Dateline. I don't even know if Dateline comes on on Saturday nights, but I told her that while it's a kind of news show, it's really not for kids.

"I saw the one about online predators." She said.

Oh, SHIT. Here we go.

"Yeah, Beeb, online predators are really scary."

"Well, why do they come to the kid's house?"

"Because there are some people who have something wrong with their brain and they want to hurt little kids."

R chimes in. "Y'know, Beeb, if you ever want to ask us anything..."

No. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I am SO not prepared for this conversation. R continues.

"Sex isn't a bad thing, Beeb, it's where babies come from. That's why it's really for husbands and wives to do after they're married."

"But is it ok for boyfriends and girlfriends who love each other?"

"Well, not really... "

"But you guys weren't married when you had ME."

BUSTED! I mean, I knew that she knew, I've never kept it a secret or anything, but to be called out like that - Damn!

"No, you're right, we weren't," I said, "and it was really hard for all of us."

"Mom, what are Rubbers?"

I almost choked. How do you explain them without getting all the way into the nuts (pun intended) and bolts of the whole operation?

And R laid it all out, kinda.

"A man puts it on his penis so that the woman won't get pregnant when they have sex."

Way to open the birth control can-o'-worms there, honey.
She didn't ask any more questions after that.

---- End of First Official Sex Conversation ----

Moving on to (gulp) MOTHER'S DAY.

I specifically told R and the kids not to do anything special for me. That way, when they don't do anything special for me, it'll almost be like they're actually obeying me, which is the best I can really hope for anyway.

I awoke to the melodic strains of bluebirds singing at my window. Just kidding, I awoke to the sound of Ryan whining from the bathroom,

"MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHM! Can you come wipe me????"

"Ry, can't you do it yourself?"

"Yes, but I don't want to."

Oh, my friend, today is SO not the day to act like that. I pretended I didn't hear him. After a few minutes, he said,

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!! Come check me!"

Now that I can live with.

We got donuts for breakfast and headed out to the House of FIL. It wasn't really that bad, I guess. The Aldis were in attendance, so there was some inherent entertainment value there.

FIL had plenty to talk about, so he was in a reasonably good mood. He told all of us how his table had come in SECOND at Trivia Night. Foolishly, I asked if there were any interesting "stumper" questions. He said, "Ok, Sarah, see if you know THIS one... How many glasses of milk does the average cow produce in a year?"

Can't I just take the zero, I thought. Then I decided I'd mess with him a little bit. As much as I wanted to say something to the effect of Second Place? That's the best you could do? I said,

"Are we talking about, what, an eight-ounce glass? Twelve-ounce? Sixteen-ounce?"


"Wow." He might have asked me more questions after that, but that's the point where I tuned out.

The next amusing incident requires a little bit of a set-up. When Aldigirl was born, almost nine months to the day after Beebie came, Mrs. Aldi got Aldigirl's picture taken once a month, every month. And she would buy them in four of five different poses, and let me "choose my favorites", which was always a little uncomfortable, since I really didn't like any of them. We have drawers full of baby pictures of Aldigirl. And on the back of each one is a printed label with her age in Months and in some cases, Weeks.

Now, I don't take my kids' pictures that often. With mine, I kinda went with the "once every three months for the first year and once a year after that" plan. So whenever I have pictures of my kids, I feel obligated to share them with the Aldis. Today we took out the boys' school pictures and one that Beeb had taken of her sitting on the floor - one of those portraits where you're sitting and your shoes show up in the shot. It was taken at school, but it's not the standard School Picture picture. It was really cute.

I handed the pics to Mrs. Aldi and after she said how adorable and grown-up my boys looked, she asked where we got Beeb's picture taken.

"Oh, I think they took it at CCL..."

CCL is our district's Gifted Program. I just love pointing out that my kid got into it and theirs didn't. Yeah, it's bitchy. I know.

Then, my favorite part of the day was when FIL, who did not stop talking the entire two hours we were there, spoke at length about the Mother's Day Brunch he took MIL to that morning.

"Have you guys ever had those pre-packaged Rice Krispie Treats? They were horrible. I just didn't like them at ALL. I thought they were awful. And you'd think, the company that invented the whole idea of Rice Krispie Treats would be able to follow their own recipe! And for what they charge, you could make them better at home yourself! These were just terrible! They had them by the Chocolate Fountain, but I tried to get a skewer in there, and I couldn't even get the stick in there! They were dry, they weren't buttery, they weren't even gooey or anything..."

Good God, Dad, is there no END to your martyrdom???? I mean, if you've run out of conversational topics and you're suddenly discussing the inadequacy of pre-packaged Rice Krispie Treats, Dude, give up the fuckin stage, all right??!! It's time to LET SOMEONE ELSE TALK. Jeez.

And LO, The Heavens opened as Thus Spake The Great Reverend Aldi:

"Well, ya know they don't really use marshmallows in there, if you look at the ingredients..."

Who the hell KNOWS that??? Who the hell READS THE WRAPPER OF A RICE KRISPIE TREAT????

My fuckin freakshow family, that's who.

But don't cry for me, my friends, as the day will surely end well.

I got to go to an LYS I hadn't been to before! KNITORIOUS. What a cool place with really friendly workers! Thumbs up!

My awesome mom called to tell me she hates Mother's Day because it's crappy when you know that people feel obigated to be nice to you. Right on, Mom, you nailed it.

Also, the Survivor Finale is on tonight. I kinda think Cerie could take it, she's played the best strategically, but don't quote me, unless I'm right.

R's going to put the New Bamboo Sheets on the bed. Rowwwwwwwwwl.

And finally, a little Mother's Day Love from me to you.

CLICK HERE. You'll love it. Kid-friendly.


Bezzie said...

Ok that sex talk dialogue cracked me up!!! Kuddos to R for handling that well. I'm a half-bastard myself and figured it out at a young age too. Mom swears they were gonna get married anyway...I guess they're still married today so who knows?

But I now I feel compelled to share my story about how I figured out what a rubber was. My parents would always put them on the grocery list but they'd write down "party hats" instead of rubbers/condoms/etc. Mom controlled the grocery list and how I never noticed her slip them into the shopping cart I'll never know. Anyway--it's two weeks before my birthday and we're going shopping and somehow I get a hold of the grocery list and what's at the top of the list? Party hats! Oh my god, my parents NEVER gave us kids birthday parties! I was so excited, I called my best friend up and told her all about it. Imagine how embarrassed I was when I found out what they REALLY were and that I WASN'T getting a birthday party!! I can't even remember how I explained it to my friends who I told to be on the lookout for invitations in the mail.

Elspeth said...

I am so glad I have all boys so my DH can do all the sex talks. Oh, and as he says "No Weddings!". Sounds like fun.

I'm glad your Mother's Day wasn't as awful as expected. (It wasn't, was it?) I mostly had a normal day except I got to go to a knitting group, which was the highlight, definitely.

jackt said...

"I specifically told R and the kids not to do anything special for me. That way, when they don't do anything special for me, it'll almost be like they're actually obeying me, which is the best I can really hope for anyway."

Precious. Hillarious!

Cheesy Knit Wit said...

Sex talks, Bamboo Sheets, Milk Cow Trivia, and Rice Krispy Treat Drama, sounds like an awesome Mother's Day!


I truely hope your day was good!



Cheesy Knit Wit said...

Oh, my husband seen your title on Knitty, and just busted out laughing. You are a certified nut, and we appreciate it.


DomesticOverlord said...

Yes the prepackaged rice krispie treats actually contain marshmallinine glycol intead of marshmallows. The known side effects of marshmallinine glycol incluse smarassery and knowitallism.

DomesticOverlord said...


Leave it to me to misspell my own made up word.

JRS said...

I loved your rant about PROPER ENGLISH USAGE. One reason being in Missour-ah drives me nuts is the way people there mangle the language. My mom having been an English teacher, we grew up being corrected constantly. In fact, I often commit a social faux pas when I correct people who aren't my students in the course of conversation. Once, when I was about 16, my mom went through the drive-thru at KFC while I was in the car with her, and it went something like this:
KFC: "Welcome to KFC. Can I take your order?"
Mom: "I don't want to order anything. Did you know that the word 'smiling' does NOT have an 'e' in it? It's supposed to be spelled s-m-i-l-i-n-g, but you have it up on the marquis with an 'e' before the i-n-g. Don't you know that when you make the progressive form of a verb that ends in a silent 'e,' you typically drop the 'e' before adding the i-n-g?!?
KFC: Uhh...
Mom: You really need to tell the manager that that needs to be fixed. It looks terrible.
KFC: Uhh...

Then we drive off in a huff. She kept driving back by over the next day or two until they changed it. At the time I was mortified with embarrassment, but now I'm an English teacher too, and I would do the same thing.

And no, kids don't learn to diagram sentences anymore. They don't learn parts of speech either. Well, at least not in Mehlville school district. We took my nephew, who's in 7th grade, to Europe this spring. On the train between Prague and Dresden my mom and I decided he needed an English lesson, because we were sick of his grammar mistakes. We gave him some sentences to diagram and showed him how to do it, but he didn't know what an adjective was, what a subject was, how an adverb worked; anything! We were appalled. He was not pleased to spend spring break getting English lessons, but he did show some interest in my history lectures, and learning German, so I haven't given up on him entirely.

And finally, yeah, Knitorious, what a great place! Bad-grammar nephew asked them if he could work there when he turns 16, and they said "of course!" (They let him wind the balls of yarn when he's there and he loves it.) I was there a few weeks ago, and I noticed that there was a "For Rent" sign for the apartment upstairs. I briefly entertained the idea of moving back to Missouri just so I could live above Knitorious. I told my family, and my nephew just looked at me like I was crazy. "Aunt Jill," he said, "you can't do that. You would run out of money." He was completely serious, and totally correct.

I've just written a book so I will stop here. I hope your kids weren't too bummed that they couldn't go see Elvis. You'll have to take them to Graceland someday!