Tuesday, June 30, 2009

My latest obsession.



Guess what? I have Strep now.

Well, Tito does, and my Quick Screen came back negative, but I feel like shit. I'll get the lab results on Thursday.

It's the Curse of Buffy. The woman can ruin my life from a thousand miles away, just as if she was living next door.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

People really should keep sharp objects out of my hands.

I cleaned my house so Sandra could come over. Ok, I cleaned the two rooms closest to the front door, but that's more than I usually do. I left the sink full of dishes and the kitchen floor unmopped.

Just to reiterate, I had no idea what I was going to be shown in this "demo". All I knew is that this random girl called me out of the freakin blue, saying she was a friend of Buffy's.

Oh, and Buffy did respond to my text message, sort of. At 9:45pm -



She was calling to chat while she shopped for a watchband wide enough to cover her visible tattoos, which she didn't know was the policy in the office where she just started her new job (for which, she confessed to me, she is grossly underqualified). She didn't mention her friend Sandra. And neither did I.

For all I know, I did unwittingly agree to it. Most of the time I tune her out, wait for her to take a breath and then interject the obligatory fake "uh-huh", so there's a good chance I acquiesced without paying attention.

Given my intense dislike for all varieties of businesses that require "home parties" (based upon my horrid personal experience with the Toy one), the only possible explanations are: A) I wasn't paying attention when she mentioned it, or B) SHE NEVER MENTIONED IT.

Beeb answered the door with me when Sandra arrived. I had the brilliant idea to test Sandra's knowledge of Buffy's life just to see if they were the kind of good friends where Buffy'd want to help her out. If Buffy had another friend in the Greater Metropolitan Area, why didn't she call Sandra's ass to pick her up at the hospital?

As we sat down at my dining room table, I introduced Beeb as Princeton's girlfriend. ANY friend of Buffy's would know Princeton. Princeton is the center of her universe. Princeton has an uncommon name. Buffy has his name tattooed on her shoulder. A tattoo which will need to be covered up when she goes in to work, by the way.

Even Beeb noticed that Sandra clearly had no idea who I was talking about. Interesting.

And then Sandra set a cutting board on my table, and I knew instantly what was coming. THE CUTCO PRESENTATION.

I have seen the Cutco presentation SO many times, I could probably give it. If I had heard, "Hey, I have a friend who's selling Cutco Knives...", I would have shut that shit down instantly. Over the course of my life, I've had so many broke-ass friends lured by the promise of "getting paid to have parties", I swear I've heard them all. I've succummed only once. Never again. Never.

My friends know not to even invite me to those things because they just piss me off. I agree to never to give anyone their numbers or try to sell them anything, and I appreciate the same courtesy. You can tell me if you're selling something, and that's fine - I'll call you when I want to spend $200 on skin care or silver jewelry or adult novelties. But generally speaking, This Girl don't play that.

So I sat through the knife demonstration, pointed out that the group of knives I affectionately call The Dahmer Collection should come with a free bag of lime (Sandra was either unamused or didn't get it), pretended to mentally debate whether or not I wanted to spend more than my Odyssexy payment for the next five months to have The Premium set of really nice knives. Then she showed me the price for my top five favorite knives, then my top three, and finally my favorite knife.

I could feed my family for a week on the price of the Spatula Spreader.

I told Sandra that if I bought these knives, I'd have to use the cleaver to hack off my family's fingers and toes and use the Turning Fork to sautee them in the sautee pan (with lid) so we could eat. She got the hint.

And finally, she handed me a piece of paper with a bunch of lines on it.

"Well, as you know, my business is built by referrals, so if you give me the name of three friends I could call to set up a demo, I can give you the vegetable peeler... FOR FREE!!!"

That explains it. Buffy sold me out for a fucking veggie peeler.

I wish they didn't have the Lifetime Guarantee because I'd love for it to fall apart the first time she uses it.

Now I wish I had bought the Spatula Spreader - just so that when you saw on the national news that a woman from From Whence She Came with visible tattoos was found twitching in a ditch with a Spatula Spreader sticking out of her neck, y'all could have a little chuckle.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Buffy Lives On...

Yesterday morning at 7:45 I got a call. There's only one person who calls me that early - Buffy - but she's in the Pacific Time Zone now, two hours earlier than here, so I figured it couldn't be her. For an instant I was afraid that it was my mom calling to tell me someone was dead.

It wasn't. It was Dummy.

He was calling to let me know, in his goofy roundabout tongue-tied way (I kinda think he's hot for me, to tell y'all the truth) that his boss needed him to take the work van in to be fixed, and since he'd be up in that part of anyway, I didn't need to take him to the airport today.

Ummm, ok...

Apparently I had agreed to take Dummy to the airport today before Buffy left. I have a vague memory of this conversation taking place on the day that I picked her up from the hospital, but it was more like a "if I get this job that I applied for, Dummy might need a ride to the airport in a couple of weeks, would that be ok?" to which I probably said "sure, absolutely, no problem".

I hadn't heard one more word about it, apart from her telling me she'd taken the job. If she's considering THAT as my confirmation, that's fuckin shitty.

I concealed my total shock, and lemme say it's a damn good thing he was calling to tell me he didn't need me and not calling me and asking me where the hell I was, because there was no possible way I could do it. I had to take all three Apes with me to Beeb's dermatologist appointment.

It's quite a task to keep the boys in line while holding Beeb's hand as she gets stuck in the back of her neck with a six-inch needle and they scrape her mole with a razor. Tough to be a hard ass when you're about to pass out.

AAAAAAANYWAY, I didn't have to take Dummy to the airport, but he did mention that he *might* need a ride home on July 1st, I think. I think. I really wasn't listening.

Apparently, I also must not have been listening when Buffy mentioned she was passing my phone number on to a friend of hers who has to do a bunch of "demos" as a part of her summer job.

My home phone rang, and caller ID showed a name I didn't recognize. Ok, I shouldn't have answered, and had it said "Buffy's Phone" I wouldn't have. But the woman said, "Hi Sarah!"


"You and I haven't met, but I'm a friend of Buffy's..."


"She probably told you I'd be calling..."

Um, nooo...

She proceeded to explain that she gets paid just for doing the demo (didn't tell me what it was), and there's no pressure to buy anything but is daytime or evening better for me?


So I told the woman I have exactly eleven dollars on which five people have to live for the next six days, but if she was cool with the fact that there was absolutely no fucking way I was going to buy anything she was selling, then whatever.

She's coming over tomorrow at 1.

Oh, and before you call me a pussy for not saying no, as soon as I hung up the phone with Total Stranger Friend of Buffy's, I sent Buffy the following text:

Do I remember the part where you signed me up for someone to come over and do some sort of demo in my house?

See? I'm much bolder in writing. Y'all know if she calls me, I'll revert back to pussitude.

Sometimes it takes a while, but eventually I stop missing the douchebags I don't talk to anymore.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Richard Simmons Unfiltered.
I'm totally fuckin serious.

This was on Cary's Blog and it simply must be shared.

I know that normal people would probably be frightened of the words Richard Simmons being followed by the initials NSFW.

But I also know that you're not normal people.
And that's why I love you. Enjoy.

Monday, June 22, 2009

I'm Kinda Sad.

Buffy is gone.

No, she's not dead, she's just gone back to From Whence She Came. And I'm a little sad.

It was really kinda whirlwind how it all went down. I knew she was miserable in her job. Her boss still owes her hundreds of dollars in commissions. I knew she was torn between looking for another job and quitting work altogether to stay home with Perfect Baby.

Oh, before I continue, I forgot to update you all on the Beeb and Princeton Situation. Remember Skip and Jughead who "asked out" Beeb and her friend Elle, respectively? Remember how Jughead dumped Elle via text message, his reason being that she was "TOO OBSESSIVE"?? Well, get this -

Skip dumped Beeb via email a couple of days before the end of school, his reason being...

(are you ready for this??)


I'll give you a minute to wipe off whatever you just spewed onto your monitor.

So, naturally, Beeb didn't want to hear the I Told You That Kid Was A Douchebag lecture that I was totally prepared to give, so she didn't tell me Skip broke up with her. Pie told me. And I told Beeb that not only was it one of those rare times when I don't relish being right, but also that I was truly sorry that she felt like she couldn't tell me about it. Which is understandable - I am a bit of an I Told You So gloater.

I did point out to her that Skip's breaking up with her out of nowhere was extremely shitty - and that it was EXACTLY what she had done to Princeton. She got it.

Meanwhile, she and Princeton never stopped talking and texting even while Beeb was "going out with" Skip, so between the two of them, really, nothing changed other than The Official Title Of Girlfriend. Still, I found out later from Buffy that Beeb had, completely on her own, sent Princeton a contrite, heartfelt text, telling him very humbly that she knew she was a total jerk and he didn't deserve to be treated that way, and she wanted to go back to being boyfriend and girlfriend but if he didn't want to she would understand. It was written more sweetly than that, I'm paraphrasing, but that's the basic sentiment of it.

And Princeton took her sorry ass back.

I told her she was Fuckin Lucky, because most guys would SO not put up with the "I'm just gonna see if this guy's a better boyfriend than you, and if he's not, I'll be back" bullshit she pulled on Princeton. And it turned out to be a good thing that they were able to part on really good terms, because the parting really sucked.

I took the two of them to see Land Of The Lost on Thursday night (Buffy's idea for the two of them to have a "date", and yet I somehow ended up both driving AND paying, but whatever), took them out to lunch at Steak N' Shake (the boy had lived here almost two years and never eaten there) and then swimming all day on Friday, and took Beeb out to watch Princeton's last baseball game in the BLISTERING heat for two and a half hours on Saturday (he went 0-3, called out on strikes twice - but made a spectacular diving catch).

And get this shit - when Beeb and I got to the game and texted Buffy to find out where she was sitting, she texted back informing me that she "can't take the heat", and she was actually out getting her hair cut. She then asked if I could bring Princeton home afterwards. Classic Buffy.

On Sunday morning (Father's Day, mind you) she texted me to see if I was going to come over to say goodbye. I didn't answer until after I was pretty sure she'd already left. I don't like goodbyes, and I didn't want it to be awkward between Beeb and Princeton since I don't think he's ever even hugged her before.

Actually, Princeton was going to go away to some camp in Canada for most of the summer, so Beeb had already kinda gotten used to the idea of him being gone, but this is more permanent. Of course, the whole thing seems kinda hare-brained and only half thought out in the first place.

Here's the chronology as best I understand it - Buffy had been looking for work and a friend of hers in From Whence She Came said she should come back to From Whence She Came and told Buffy about a job he was looking to fill. Buffy demanded specifics, indicating exactly what it would take to get her to pack up and move back, after less than two years in St. Louis.

By the way, in case you were wondering, the reason they moved here initially was to Princeton could go to a particular religion-based (which I am respectfully keeping private) prep school, which she pulled him out of after less than a year for reasons that kinda sounded to me like the other parents didn't really get her parenting style. I've told y'all she's a rare breed, but I respect her. Whatever she did to get a kid as cool as Princeton worked, as far as I'm concerned.

Ok, so she told the person what would make it worth her while to leave here, and didn't hear back for a little over a week. Then she got that hideous Strep thing that required me to shuttle her around for five days, and then about a day or two after that ordeal she called to tell me that she was having her tonsils taken out. AND that she took that job offer and they were moving back From Whence. In, like, two weeks.

She, Princeton and Perfect Baby took off on Sunday, and left Dummy here to pack up and sell the house.

She's got plenty of family and friends up there, so she'll be ok. She's got a one-bedroom apartment in what she herself described to me as "a semi-shitty area of town (but it's ok because I know way around)" and set Perfect Baby up with daycare, and she starts work today, I think. Buffy's mom (who came down to help out after Buffy's tonsilectomy so I was off the hook) is hanging out with Princeton until he leaves for camp.

Maybe I'm boring or way too cautious or I lack that whimsical, blissful free-spiritedness that some lucky people have, but Jesus knows I would NEVER make a huge whole-family-affecting decision like that in two weeks. In her mind, it all came together in a way that made her feel like it was meant to be. The way my brain works, when shit comes together THAT quickly, it's NEVER a good thing.

I'm surprised at how affected I've been by Buffy's sudden departure. As much as I complained about Buffy, as much as she drove me absolutely fucking batshit crazy, she is who she is, and I will miss her. She made for some great blogfodder, right?

And even though she made me feel like a fucking doormat because I never told her no, she also made me feel like the kind of dependable friend everyone needs, and I loved that feeling. I don't fault her for never really having an opportunity to reciprocate for all of those times I helped her out.

I'll miss Princeton too, both for Beeb's sake and for my own reasons. Princeton offered me a sense of security. I never worried about Beeb when the two of them were together. Then there's the whole element of Beeb's inevitable Abandonment Issues. The two friends who have had the most overwhelmingly positive influence on her life both only stayed a year. The Jack thing was different, obviously, but still, I'm concerned about that being a problem for her later in life.

It's nice of me to make my kids' future therapists' jobs easier by identifying their potential emotionally-crippling neuroses as early as possible, isn't it?

More knitting content!!!

Only get this - it's on KEVIN'S BLOG.

He's just trying to discredit me as a knitting blogger, since he's had more knitting-related content in one day than I have in months. Think we should add Kevin to the STL Knitters Blogring?

He won't be a TRUE knitting blogger, though, until he writes about his cats.

Anyway, lest I be outdone by someone who doesn't know the difference between ssk and k2tog -

I forget what kind of wool I used for the wool hat, but I think the cotton was the lovely (something that starts with A, I lost the band) that he and I picked out at Knitorious a few weeks ago. I bought some and made a hat for myself as well. I loved the colors.

And Kev got to meet the fabulously Dyeabolical Rachel not at Knitorious, but at Roller Derby last weekend! PLUS he got to meet Anti-Stella that day too. That was so cool!

Sorry I've been light on the blogging recently. It's summer. When it hasn't been Satan's Sweaty Buttcrack hot, it's been pouring rain. Which of course means that the kids have been cooped up in the house, which of course means they're hogging the computer so I can't get on and write about all the fun we're not having.

Actually, I have been having fun working through my Netflix queue. The Reader was the one I watched most recently. I liked it - not just for the full frontal nudity, but because it showed actual five-needle DPN Knitting, which I've NEVER seen in a movie! Too hard to fake, I guess. And true knitters wince when they see fake knitting on tv or in a movie.

Anybody else see Amy Sedaris poke at her yarn on My Name Is Earl a while ago? It was funny because she actually does knit (doesn't she??).

And finally, just as a teaser, Kevin has foolishly challenged me to a game of BOGGLE, to which I say -

I'm not sure when this Boggle Cage Match is going to take place, but I'm 100% sure it'll be blogworthy.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

I love it when this. . .

becomes THIS -

I'm tellin' ya - my life is one Rock Band name after another.

Monday, June 08, 2009

So that I might meet minimum standards. . .

and still technically qualify as a Knitting Blogger:

There. I made something.

It's the Umbilical Cord Hat from Stitch N' Bitch.
Debbie Bliss Cashmerino.

(Model: Manook Manookawooka Von Mischief)

Saturday, June 06, 2009

It's Horrible.
And Yet, I Can't Look Away.

I'm just gonna go ahead and out myself as a Jonas Brothers fan. Kevin is actually my favorite Jonas (sideburns are wicked sexy), but Joe's pretty hot for a dude in a unitard.

That said, this video is the most whacked out shit I've seen in ages. And can I just add that this song has been on a nonstop loop in my head for the last four days?

I can not even wait for the new album. The Apes think I'm cool because I've promised to get it on the 15th at midnight. And anyone who knows me knows I'm rarely up past 10. Such is my dedication to Kevin, Joe, Nick, Beebie, Pie and Tito.

Thursday, June 04, 2009


Ok, my phone only lets me record 42 seconds at a time (MOST inconvenient), so you're getting this video in three parts. I couldn't choose a favorite.

Here are Tito, Pie and Beebie rockin out in our basement.

I particularly love the pelvic thrust action. And don't be hatin' on my baby for not knowing the word "Boulevard". Homeboy just finished Kindergarten.

Pie starts to get cranky toward the end of this last part.

R thinks I should teach him some Joe Cocker songs next.