I will now share with you one of my proudest moments as a parent.

Some days, it kinda sucks to be a parent. Like that week two years ago when Tito had the Rotavirus. UGH.

But other days, you can't get enough of the little bastards.

Beebie came home from school yesterday and announced that she knew something that nobody else in her class knew.

A statement like that should make any parent wonder what they've taught their child, either intentionally or unintentionally, that his or her peers (READ: NORMAL CHILDREN) might not have been taught by their parents.

Examples of things that my kids know that other kids might not:

If your goldfish starts swimming upside down, feed it some mooshed-up frozen peas.

Don't put kitty litter on the floor of your car.

Hairspray should go on your head only.

Believe it or not, you CAN buy a pumpkin in December.

Sometimes Mommy's medicine makes her feel better, and sometimes it makes her feel worse.

Sometimes it's fun to meet strangers from the internet.

It's important to wear cool underpants.

If you throw up in middle of the night, call MOM. Dad is useless.

Sometimes grownups laugh when you read magazine covers out loud in a store.

If you wipe the ice cream sandwich gunk from your fingers on the bathroom wall, eventually it will go away.

(Please note that I'm not saying you're a bad parent if you haven't taught your kids these things.)


Beebie described the event to me, and what follows is how I visualized it:

Beeb's Teacher: Ok, class, today we are going to talk about Famous Missourians.

Class: YAAAAY!

Beeb's Teacher: Now let's see, who can tell me who Mark Twain was?

Kid #1: I assume you're referring to Samuel Langhorne Clemens. He is one of America's most famous writers, and he grew up in Hannibal, which is about two hours north of here. The characters in his novels Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn were based on kids he knew in Hannibal.

Beeb's Teacher: Excellent! And does anyone know who Molly Brown was?

Kid #2: (scoffs) Her real name was Margaret Brown. Nobody really called her Molly until after she died.

Kid #3: Uh - HUH! Haven't you ever heard of The Unsinkable Molly Brown? They called her that because they couldn't sink her!

Kid #2: No, you idiot, that's just what they called her in the newspapers after she helped rescue a whole bunch of people on the Titanic. She got them into the lifeboats and she made even the women help row all the way to the Carpathia.

Then she helped prepare lists of all the survivors, and she even collected money to help those less fortunate among the surviving passengers and crew. She was even awarded the French Legion of Honour shortly before her death for her "overall good citizenship" including her relief work in France after World War I, her efforts for Titanic survivors, and her activism and philanthropy at home in America.

Kid #1: Kissass.

Beebie's Teacher: Very impressive! Now who can tell me who Adolphus Busch was?

Silence.

Beebie's Teacher: Anyone?

Beebie: Oh! I know!

He's one of the founders of Anheuser Busch! He and his family moved from Germany in the 1800's and Adolphus married Lily Anheuser and went into the beer-making business with her dad. And that's why it's called Anheuser Busch!

Beebie's Teacher: (whispers) Ummmmm, honey? Where did you learn all that?

Beebie: My mom and dad took us to the Budweiser Brewery. It smelled weird.

Beebie's Teacher: Your parents took you and your little brothers to a BREWERY?

Beebie: Well, yeah... it's a famous local tourist attraction. And there was this one part that was really cold, and this other part that was really hot. And my mom wore this really ugly thing that she knitted...

Kids #1, 2 and 3: Your parents drink... beer???

Beebie: Mostly just my mom. She likes Bud Select. She drinks it pretty much every day. She can hardly wait for Grant's Farm to open because they give out free beer there. It's pretty sweet.

(End Scene)


Yes, I was extremely proud that my daughter knew who Adolphus Busch was and why he is considered a famous Missourian. She may not know all of the state capitals, but she can name the entire family of Budweiser products.


Later that night, I discovered that my boys have been playing Pirate Treasure with a shoebox and a whole bunch of Bud Select bottle caps inside it.

Is it wrong to think that's funny?