Saturday, April 29, 2006

Saturdays SUCK. Seriously.

So I'm trying to decide if I want to join the STL Knitters Guild. The people at the Harlot event really weren't nasty to me or anything, and I feel horrible if I made it sound like they were. If you read my blog with any regularity, you've seen evidence of my Self-Esteem issues, my complete lack of confidence in my knitting ability, and my borderline Undiagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder. I always just assume I'm the biggest dork in the room until proven otherwise. It goes back to Junior High, when I usually WAS the biggest dork in the room.

But what's holding me back from joining is the fact that they meet on Saturdays, and Saturdays are just not good for me. R works all day. Saturdays suck. In fact, today I get to go hang with the Inlaws at my BIL/SIL's house. Gih.

My BIL's speaking voice is like some bizarre amalgamation of Charlie Brown's Teacher and Eeyore. And he speaks in-depth, ad nauseum, about the most insanely boring topics. Like toenail clippers. And you know how some people streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch the point long after it's been made, just because for some inexplicable reason they feel like they need to fill the air with their voice? I imagine it's the influence of my FIL, who NEVER shuts the hell up, but at least FIL offers some vocal inflection to break up the monotony. Oh, and they're CHEAP, and verrrrry proud of their cheapness. Here's an example: "We got 12 cases of El Cheapo Brand Diet Soda for free because it was so old they were going to throw it away! And we got this cheese for free because there was green fuzz on most of it, but if you just scrape that part off, it's totally fine!"

Ok, I'm really excited when I find a legitimate bargain, but it doesn't count when it's something I wouldn't WANT. They have tried for years to convert me to the grocery store where you pay a .25 deposit to "rent" a cart, then either bring your own bags or buy them for .10 apiece, bag your own no-name groceries and then return your cart so you can get your quarter back. Sorry, but I like the indulgence of my Name Brand Diet Coke (and yes, I can tell that your nine-year-old Diet Cheapie Cola is NOT the same), and having other people bag my stuff for me in free bags. I think that from now on, I'll refer to my BIL/SIL as Rev. and Mrs. Aldi.

So today is their daughter's First Communion, and everyone is going to their house for a Reception. It's always interesting to go to an Event at their house, since it's nearly impossible to believe that such a diverse collection of people could make a party that BORING. It's like everything happens in slowmotion once you enter the front door. And you can't just leave after an hour, because everybody's still sitting around wondering whether we should have cake first or open presents first. This debate can go on indefinitely, and this, my friends, is the party's ONLY entertainment. The guest list, however, reads like the premise for a wacky sit-com.

Mrs. Aldi's brother is THE CHEAPEST person I've ever encountered, ever. If I can get R to remind me of the details of the story I'm thinking about, I'll write about it. One thing I remember is how one year for my niece's birthday, he wrapped up a bunch of Cereal Box Prizes for her gift. I about shat. He works at the Y and takes free showers there so he doesn't have to use his own hot water. Yeah. Oh wait, I remember - he can tell you what day every bakery and grocery store in the area throw away their unsold stuff. He camps out by the dumpsters, brings his own bags (of course), and goes shopping. I swear I'm not making this up. Now, I'll freely admit that I buy a lot of my kids' clothes at garage sales, but I'm picky about what I buy. You all chimed in when I took the bamboo shades from someone's yard, but I draw the line at Dumpster Diving.

Mrs. Aldi's brother is married to a dwarf. Literally. I'm not just saying she's short, she's an actual midget/dwarf/little person who has thinning hair and no teeth. My kids are SO freaked out by her. Can't say that I blame them.

Mrs. Aldi's sister has a 12-year-old daughter who's autistic. I'm not making fun of it, I'm just saying, you never know what's going to happen, and nobody really knows how to handle her when she acts out. The uncomfortable silences are somewhat comical.

Mrs. Aldi's dad thinks he's either a Comedian or a Political Pundit somehow blessed with insight beyond human understanding. First he makes jokes about how Baby Boy Aldi is his favorite grandson, then he quite unnecessarily reminds his unfortunate audience (why??) that Baby Boy Aldi is his ONLY grandson. I've heard this joke since the Aldi Boy was born, a year and a half ago. The joke wasn't funny the first time, and it's gotten less and less funny each time since. Oh, and as for his Political Views, don't get stuck next to him at the dinner table, or you'll hear all about his Very Detailed Plan for not only solving the Deer and Geese Overpopulation Problem in our fine city, but also ending World Hunger simultaneously, "if we would just kill all the deer and the geese and send all the meat to the homeless shelters!" Wow, dude. You're a fuckin GENIUS.

I've been part of this extended family for nine years now, and I can never remember Mrs. Aldi's mother's name. It's WAY past the point where I could ask without looking like a jackass. I feel really bad about it, but it's kinda funny. Maybe we should call her Mulva. This woman is the reason why plus-sized fashion designers erroneously believe that their customers love it when they put sequins on sweatsuits. SHE's the one who's single-handedly keeping them in business by reinforcing that misconception. Blame HER.

So these are the people I get to hang with today. And I won't have my favorite Catty Friend there to entertain me. R is so catty, it's delicious. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was one of my gay guy friends. I tried in vain to think of a legitimate reason for me NOT to lug the kids over there today, but I couldn't come up with anything that sounded plausible. We already missed my niece's birthday party because it was the same day as Nat's Fashion Show Rehearsal.

Yeah, Saturdays suck. EXCEPT when you get fun stuff in the mail.

I won (?) the Bezzilicious Muppet Purse in the Inaugural Knittyhead Fug-Off. Bezzie sent it along with some Bezzilicious Bonus Treats (granny curlers and bubble gum) for my Beebie! Lookit!

Beeb LOVES that purse. I knew she would.
In fact, when I showed it to her and told her Bezzie made it, she inspected it and said "Wow! She's really good!"
I stifled a giggle.

AND, my SP6 upstream was, in fact, Aspiring Crazy Cat Lady! She sent me an Gift Certificate, with which I bought the One Skein book I've been eyeing! She's the evil culprit who made me a Tea-drinkin' Junkie. Curses! Nah, in all seriousness, I probably would never have tried tea at all, had she not hooked me up in the beginning, and I'm truly enjoying learning more about tea and trying different kinds. That's the coolest kind of gift! I love it. So thank you, again! Yesterday, in my second visit to Teavana in three days, I bought a measuring spoon, more tea (Mate Vana), and two teacups that match my teapot! I'm tres chic.

And Cheapie SP Ivana, I'm rockin' on that dishcloth pattern, it's GREAT!! I'll post a pic when I'm done.

And I'd just like to say publicly that Pyewacket is awesome.
She knows why. ;)

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Pics Aplenty!

So right after I typed up the bloggalicious summary of my awesome day, I fired up my teapot and made some Night-Night tea. Yum. But then, I started feeling the onset of a headache. It wasn't bad at first, but then came the dizziness, sensitivity to light, and nausea. I hadn't had a migraine in a while, and that was a nasty one. I felt better when I woke up, though. I hope it wasn't the tea, cuz that tea was really good. I also ordered some Adagio tea which I will certainly tell you all about. Curse my SP6 for this new tea obsession! For Mother's Day I'm sending my mom a nifty little starter set like the one I got from my SP. And if she doesn't like it, then I'll just steal it back.

Here are the pics I promised yesterday.

First, the Yarn Harlot at the St. Louis County Library.

I got there a full 30 minutes before the presentation was supposed to start, and every seat was taken, so I got in line to buy the book and the last one was gone just as I approached the table. I was kinda bummed out; I almost left right then. And then I was completely intimidated by the women knitting fantastic and complex things out of exquisite yarns at lightning speed. It's weird, cuz most knitters are really cool and nice, but there are some real knitting snobs out there, like the yarn shop ladies whom we've all experienced at one time or another, like if I'm not as good a knitter as they are, I should just give up and not waste their time. So I was just totally consumed by how inept I felt among the More Experienced Knitters. But The Harlot was really cool, so I'm glad I went.

Next, here's a pic of the package I got from Cheapie SP, minus the yarn (in my tote bag) and the chocolate (in my tummy!). I forgot to mention the candles! Between the candles and the book of stuff to do, I'm totally set if my lights should go out again. Thank you! You've been so good to me!!!

Moving right along, here's my garage sale score from yesterday. The color is kinda a rusty pumpkin. There were thirteen of the 1-oz. balls, plus the beginnings of a sweater that I'm going to have to frog because I just don't have the skillz to finish it. I feel HORRIBLE for frogging it, just on principle, but I imagine there's at least another ball or two in there.

Here is what the Teavana Night-Night tea looks like in the tin. It smells fantastic, too. (Did I tell you how effin cool that place was? They sell the cast iron tea pots and itty-bitty cups and everything.) Tonight I'm gonna try the Peppermint tea while I watch Survivor, Earl, Office and ER. Then, if I can stay awake, Six Feet Under. If you know what happens in this final season, for God's sake DON'T TELL ME. I already have to wait a year till it comes out on DVD because I don't have cable. Don't be kickin' me when I'm down. That ain't cool, man.

And here's a pic that I just thought was funny. Tee hee!!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Today was a very good day.

Any day that starts out with a big-time yarn score at a garage sale and ends at a library listening to Stephanie Pearl-McPhee (aka The Yarn Harlot) is a very good day. The only bad thing that happened the entire day was that the person right in front of me in the line to buy her book Knitting Rules got the VERY LAST ONE. I knew I should have bought one prior to going, but I thought, oh, they'll be selling it when she's there and I'll have her sign it and I'll be the coolest knitter that ever was... and I had nothing for her to sign. I thought asking her to sign my boobs would probably have been raucously funny both to Stephanie and to me, but probably nobody else. I did, however, remember to take my camera, like a true KnitBlog geek.

I have never been so aware of what a dork I am. And what made me feel the most like a dork was how badly I wanted all the other dorks to like me. Total Junior High flashback.

I got all of the knitting jokes. They were funny. The more I heard her talking and being completely down to earth and boisterously funny, I felt like I was at a SciFi/Gaming convention and somebody made a Trekkie comment that only a fellow Trekkie would understand. It was totally surreal. It felt like I'd unknowingly joined a cult. And it was great.

First, lemme tell ya about my garage sale score. I got a Pottery Barn Kids duvet cover, a kickass vintage leather briefcase, Born sandals, kids' clothes, a sweater for me, and... 13 balls of vintage wool and a just-started sweater already on the needles (needles included) and vintage pattern books from 1947! (Yes, I bought yarn. Nat told me to make sure I confessed on my blog.) Oh, they're so COOL. I was giddy. Then I thought, God, I'm a knitting geek. I was never a Band Geek, never uttered the words this one time... at band camp..., but I imagine being in a room full of fellow knitters and wishing I could be as cool as they were, I guess it's like longing to be First Chair. Man, there were some really cool knitting totes. Sigh.

Then, we went to The Mall to look for a tacky First Communion gift for my niece. I was hoping to find a Bible with a leopard-print cover, but R found an ubercheesy Precious Moments Rosary Combo. I also picked up a couple of Parenting Books, one written by Lisa Welchel, who you might remember as Blair from The Facts of Life, back in the day. It sounded interesting. I'll review it eventually.

Oh, before I forget, you should all see the movie Everything Is Illuminated. I can't review it in three words or less other than to say SEE THIS ONE.

After the mall we got lunch at Wild Noodles and shopped at Sam's without kids. It was a treat. Then we got home and in the mail were Six Feet Under Season Five discs 1-3 (Thank you, Blockbuster Online!!) and a beautifully decorated box from my CheapAss SP! Inside was a book with 365 TV-free activities to do with your kids (if the power should ever go out for 5 days...again), chocolate (already gone - and FANTASTIC, by the way), a pretty ball of yarn in my favorite colors and a pattern for a nifty dishcloth. I've never done a dishcloth, so this will be a fun new thing. I'm still kinda struggling with the mastery of socks, but I haven't given up. I have, however, given up on crochet for the time being. I just can't seem to get it. That one-needle thing just really messes with my head.

Later, at a different mall (if you're in the St Louis area, it's at West County, and there's also a location at Galleria), I discovered Teavana. Oh, my lord, this was the coolest Tea Store I've ever seen. And the chica behind the counter was brilliant. She was an excellent salesperson, really knew her product! I was so impressed, I bought Peppermint and Night-Night. I can't even wait to try them.

And tonight's The Amazing Race!! I love those hippies!

I think I'll have some Mini-Eggs. I'm down to only 3 bags.

And a beer.

Will post pics tomorrow.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Free Beer Brings Out the CRAZIES.

So glad you all enjoyed my Molly Miller Bier story! It's such fun to mess with people who think they've outsmarted me. Gotta throw 'em a bone first, though, to let 'em think they have you fooled. Otherwise, they give up and then that's no fun for me. Give them just the faintest glimmer of hope. I want them to believe that they just put up with my shit a liiiiiiiiiitle longer, it will be the windfall they've been waiting for. Oh, I'm evil, no doubt about it. It's the Fine Art of Fookery, folks.

Let's see... I had a remarkably productive day on Saturday. I did laundry, washed dishes, oh, have I mentioned that we don't have a dishwasher? No, we're not Amish, our shmendrick homeowners just suck. I also cleaned the bathroom sink, shower, and commode, (P.S. Guys, PLEASE let us know when the under-the-lid area looks gross, K? We usually don't check.) took books back to the library, figured out Beeb's Summer Calendar, brought my sewing machine up from the basement, cleaned the patio and put new cushions on the kids' chairs. Whew! I feel so much better when I get a bunch of stuff done. Funny, you'd think it would motivate me to do shit every day, but it doesn't.

Sunday we took the kiddos to Grant's Farm, which is some of the best people-watching you will ever find anywhere. It's so interesting to see the folks who respond to the lure of Free Beer. Of course, we're there for the free beer too, but we're NORMAL. Shut up. Sure we are!

I've been drinking beer a lot more often recently. I don't drink more each time, I'll still only have one or maybe two, but I do drink more often. I'm talking about a beer with dinner or one with some pretzels when R and I watch a movie. And I'm finding that Light Beer just isn't doin' it for me anymore. I love Shiner Bock. As an interesting coincidence, I've been sleeping WAY better than in recent history, and I haven't taken an Ambien since my Full-Out Freakout. It may be that the kids are sleeping better now that it's Daylight Savings, though. Who knows.

Here are photos from Grant's Farm. I need to preface this photo collection by saying that my son Tommy is a total chickenshit. He's the kid who climbs all the way up the slide and then realizes, oh crap, I'm at the top of a slide and cries until someone comes and carries him down. I can't even remember how many times he's run head-first into something and then changed his mind in the middle of it. It's funny.

So, in this photodocumentary, T has stepped up onto the bottom rung of the fence, even after I'd asked all the kids to quit climbing on it.

Note how the face of willful defiance morphs into the face of sheer panic.

Oh, crap...

Um, lady? A little help, please? My jackass parents seem to have disappeared...

And finally, Beebie to the rescue!

GAH, it took Blogger forfreakinever to get those pics uploaded.

Friday, April 21, 2006

What am I, Flypaper for Freaks?

And I just got that exact same email again today.

It reminded me of another time I got a Yahoo IM from a complete stranger. This conversation was such fun, I saved it. I'm rapierlikewit.

After receiving the invite to talk, I check his profile and it won't come up.

rapierlikewit: what's with the hidden profile?
johnblair: not at all
johnblair: it´s a problem fro the tickle comp.
johnblair: I worte them and they promised to rectify it
rapierlikewit: bastards. so, how are ya?
johnblair: where are you from
rapierlikewit: st louis, mo
rapierlikewit: you?
johnblair: great britain
rapierlikewit: really, what part?
johnblair: from cambridge
rapierlikewit: lovely!
johnblair: thanks have you been there before
rapierlikewit: it's late afternoon there now, isnt' it?
rapierlikewit: no, i haven't, my parents have, years ago
johnblair: ok
johnblair: well currently I am not in state
johnblair: I am at work in Africa
rapierlikewit: really! what do you do there?
johnblair: i work as an administrator
johnblair: but it seems to be disguisting now because I want to strike up a business
johnblair: and i will appreciate if you are interested in it
rapierlikewit: sure
johnblair: yeah. It is secret.
rapierlikewit: reallllllllllllllly...
rapierlikewit: do tell.
johnblair: sure
johnblair: I met with a lady called Genive Amina Ige whose husband has been deceased since 2001ç
rapierlikewit: ok...
johnblair: Before he died , he entrusted this woman with huge amount of money
johnblair: tatalling $9M
johnblair: so now the woman wants to relocate and she needs to transfer the money into a foreign account
johnblair: so you would have to act as her next of kin
rapierlikewit: interesting
johnblair: so she is willing to release 15% of the total sum after transfer
johnblair: then she said 5% shall be separated for any bills incurred during the proccess
rapierlikewit: that sounds kinda crazy
johnblair: then after transfer to your country, then we shall both travelñ to meet with you
johnblair: good babbe
johnblair: are you there
johnblair: send me your private email, telephone number for more communication
rapierlikewit: yes, here
rapierlikewit: email to me
rapierlikewit: don't phone, my husband gets suspicious
johnblair: please keep secret okay
johnblair: I will write you email soon
johnblair: and the bank shall contact you based on the transfer throuhg email okay
rapierlikewit: of course
johnblair: alright
rapierlikewit: is this legal??
rapierlikewit: what am i to do, exactly?
johnblair: Sure babe trust me it is. the name of the bank is Union Bank Plc.
johnblair: to receive the money on her behalf
rapierlikewit: how do i do that??
rapierlikewit: won't they ask for ID or anything?
johnblair: just don´t worry
rapierlikewit: i'm not worried, i just wouldn't want to say something wrong and ruin it for you
johnblair: I will speak to the Remittance Direcrtor. His name is Mr. Akinleye John
johnblair: no
johnblair: remember that you have to folloow there law that is all
johnblair: he is a gentle man
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: sure
johnblair: you can also right me on
rapierlikewit: ok then
johnblair: sure
johnblair: we shall suceed
johnblair: less I forget, what is your name

Up to now, he'd been perfectly willing to share Genive Amina Ige's money with me, but didn't even know my name. For some reason, the first name that popped into my mind was -

rapierlikewit: molly
johnblair: great I am John Blair
rapierlikewit: allo john blair
johnblair: hello Molly
johnblair: I will send you an email now
rapierlikewit: that will be fine
johnblair: alright
rapierlikewit: are you sure i wouldn't get into trouble somehow? my parents are somewhat famous and it would be horrible for the press to discover i'd done something awful
johnblair: no..
johnblair: I cannot kid you
johnblair: or should I send you my international Diplomatic Passport?

What the hell's an International Diplomatic Passport?

rapierlikewit: sure, if you think that would be helpful
johnblair: I will do that oh.. this is legal
johnblair: I will then
johnblair: just hold on
rapierlikewit: my parents are in the beer industry, do you know Miller Lite beer? we're the millers
johnblair: sure
rapierlikewit: Miller Genuine Draft?
rapierlikewit: that's us
johnblair: oh.. good nice meeting you molly

Watch the pressure escalate.

rapierlikewit: and you as well
johnblair: ok
johnblair: let me attache the passport to you okay
rapierlikewit: if you just needed money i could easily send you some
johnblair: no I do not baby but Let us meet first okay
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: Let us transfer this funds first then we shall discuss business okay
rapierlikewit: of course
rapierlikewit: oh, and can i get your credit card number?
johnblair: alright I shall come along to your country after the transfer to meet with you face to face
johnblair: check your email now
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: to confirm if you receive the sent email and the attached passport
johnblair: have you?
johnblair: please you you have, then confirm it ok

This is what he sent:

rapierlikewit: i have, yes - you're beautiful
johnblair: thank you babe
johnblair: so I see beauty in your face too

Then he realizes I that have not yet sent him a picture of myself.

johnblair: though I have not seen you but I believe that you will be okay
rapierlikewit: thank you
johnblair: yeah
rapierlikewit: i will need to go, my husband just got home
johnblair: so Molly it is a nice time meeting with you and chatting with youç
johnblair: Okay
rapierlikewit: should i not tell him about this?
johnblair: No.
johnblair: do not tell him
rapierlikewit: if it's not illegal though?
johnblair: It is between you and I and the banker okay
johnblair: no illegal I want it to be a surprising thing
johnblair: After the transfer then you can tell any one okay
rapierlikewit: his name is on the account and he receives the bank statements and reviews them carefully
rapierlikewit: he always tells me to be careful who i meet on here, anyone can tell you anything
rapierlikewit: he just wants me to be careful, he's in law enforecement

Long pause.

rapierlikewit: are you still there john?
rapierlikewit: i want to help you
rapierlikewit: hello hello??
johnblair: Please reply my email okay
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: It is very neccessary okay
rapierlikewit: i understand
johnblair: okay you are back
johnblair: okay
johnblair: you came from a very influencial family

Watch me bait this hook.

rapierlikewit: i was writing, could you not see my messages
rapierlikewit: yes
johnblair: that is great
johnblair: your father must be a magnanimous man
rapierlikewit: he's no longer living, but yes, he was
johnblair: then who handles his business
rapierlikewit: i do, mainly, and my brothers
johnblair: oh.. good babe
johnblair: I have every privillege to say I am greatfully meeting with you on the internet

Damn straight it's a privilege to know me.

rapierlikewit: oh, thank you - it's a hobby of mine to meet people this way
johnblair: good.
johnblair: I want to believe that we shall have many thing s to exploit with time
johnblair: how about your mum molly?
johnblair: hello Molly, can you read me?
rapierlikewit: my mother's getting old and ill. one of my brothers is a lawyer so he's getting her affairs in order, drafting up the necessary documents
johnblair: oh.. good how old is she?
rapierlikewit: she's nearly 75, i think
rapierlikewit: i'm the youngest
johnblair: waooo.... she is old really
johnblair: that is nice to hear from you
rapierlikewit: i was born when she was 40, i'm almost 35
johnblair: good
johnblair: She is almost meeting up the late Pope John Pauls age
rapierlikewit: she's been sick a long time, she smoked for many years, which is so unhealthy, but she wouldn't listen to anyone and never did quit
johnblair: Kidding
rapierlikewit: i'm not a very religious person
johnblair: oh.. bad I hate smoke for one reason
rapierlikewit: smells terrible
johnblair: It damages the Kiddney of a man
johnblair: yes
rapierlikewit: i don't understand why people do it
johnblair: it also destroys the heart and lungs of one who is involved in it
johnblair: I don´t my dear
rapierlikewit: why not just shoot yourself, it would be a faster way of killing yourself
johnblair: But please take good care of her please
johnblair: hahaha!!!!
rapierlikewit: i try to, she lives with my brother and his family
johnblair: okay
johnblair: that is good
rapierlikewit: i think he feels entitled to have more of her estate than the rest of us, because he's taken care of her
johnblair: so Molly I would have love to call you but since it is strict, let me not bother for now okay
rapierlikewit: that's best, yes
johnblair: do you have your private number to reach you on?
johnblair: then send your telephone number
rapierlikewit: i can't - my husband will answer
johnblair: okay
johnblair: let me abstain from it now
johnblair: You are right
rapierlikewit: i may be able to call you, though
johnblair: no problems
rapierlikewit: and call it a business expense
johnblair: let us deal on email now to avoid any suspicious dealing okay

Too late.

rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: that is good.
rapierlikewit: i do need to go now, though, my husband will be home any minute
johnblair: so molly did you attempt to cross your University / college life?
johnblair: In school
rapierlikewit: not sure what you mean?
rapierlikewit: cross my life?
johnblair: I am talkinf about your educational life now
johnblair: no
johnblair: I mean your educationall carrier
rapierlikewit: i went to college to become a teacher, actually
johnblair: ok
johnblair: that is quite interesting
rapierlikewit: i let the boys study finance and business law
johnblair: okay
rapierlikewit: i studied french for many years
johnblair: oh.. good. I love that even being a teacher is greater
rapierlikewit: i think so too, then i had kids and decided to stay home with them, that was more important
johnblair: yes you are right. are you at office at a moment or at home?
rapierlikewit: at home
johnblair: ok
rapierlikewit: husband's on his way here

Uh-oh, the 5-0.

johnblair: stop then
johnblair: stop
rapierlikewit: can i tell him i met a fine lad from cambridge?
johnblair: is that neccessary?
rapierlikewit: no, not really, i just think it's interesting to meet people from far away placed
rapierlikewit: places
johnblair: Secret
rapierlikewit: why?
johnblair: I mean the transfer
rapierlikewit: it makes me think it could be bad
johnblair: no Molly
johnblair: It´s not
johnblair: Please It is not Molly
johnblair: Please let me go and take my dinner it is getting late here Molly
rapierlikewit: he tells me there are a lot of dishonest people out there and that i should be careful, i'm too trusting
johnblair: oh.. Molly please I can swear my life here
johnblair: just trust me
rapierlikewit: people take advantage of people with money, like us
johnblair: Know not like me. If I need money I will alway tell you to help me out ok?
rapierlikewit: how do i know youre who you say - and how do you know i'm who i say?
johnblair: sure through voice call or if you want me to travel to your country for evidence prove that will be okay
rapierlikewit: maybe i'm not molly miller, beer heiress

Ya think?

johnblair: oh.. kidding
rapierlikewit: ha, i wish i wasn't
johnblair: I wish you are
johnblair: and i sincerely believe that you are
rapierlikewit: oh, i am - i'm not clever enough to trick anyone
johnblair: sure
johnblair: If I need any thing Molly, I can always tell you okay
rapierlikewit: yes, i hope you will
johnblair: not to come here and cheat you no
johnblair: I can´t not do that
rapierlikewit: do you need a ticket to the states?
johnblair: hello Molly
rapierlikewit: hello again
johnblair: are you there
johnblair: Please can I go take my launch?
rapierlikewit: of course
rapierlikewit: i must go too
johnblair: thanks
rapierlikewit: goodbye
johnblair: where is your country again
rapierlikewit: my country?
johnblair: Sure
rapierlikewit: husband is home! good bye quickly!
johnblair: ok
johnblair: bye
johnblair: have a lovely day
rapierlikewit: and you
johnblair: talk to you later
rapierlikewit: yes
johnblair: bye for now Molly

Yeah. I convinced him I was the heir to the Miller Beer fortune, and Homeboy thought he hit the jackpot. Within minutes he sent this Very Official-Looking Document.

Followed by this email:







Molly Bier, didja catch that?? Bahahahahahaha!!! Then I sent this:

While I'm sure you would appreciate having my bank information immediately, my attorney has advised me NOT to participate in this "bank transfer". It seems there are a great number of dishonest people who might try to take advantage of a nice girl like me and take money OUT of my account instead of putting money IN. Can you imagine something so awful??

Respectfully, sir, I know nothing about you. I am not familiar with whatever bank you claim to represent, and am unable to find any record of its existence. A fellow calling himself John Blair approached me, a complete stranger, with this fantastic "business proposition" after speaking to me for about 30 seconds. Apparently some rich widow, whom I also know absolutely nothing about, desperately needs me to pretend to be someone I am not, so that she can deposit 9 million dollars into my bank account. Doesn't she care to know anything about me, other than my bank numbers?

Forgive me, but I'd prefer not to give my personal information to strangers. Please move on to the next person on your list of trusting fools. Perhaps they won't be as cautious as I, and you'll have better luck with them.


Anita Amanda Huggenkiss

Oh, it gets better. Next came this -

Attn; Molly,

Thanks for the email of today. I am so glad to receive such email from you. Moreso, I wouldn´t do any mistake of making such transfer as I have done. One, it is true that she has such in our bank and the fellow so called Mr. John Blair is from UK, a total stranger who has signed to help this widowed woman. Anyway, do not bother your mind as regards the transferany more. Mr. John Balir is from Uk according to him and he knows nothing about the transfer.

I will have to talk to the lady myself.


Mr. John Akinleye.

So suddenly this John Blair dude knows NOTHING about the transfer. Interesting. Methinks Mr. John Akinleye and Mr. John Blair are in cahoots. I'll have to look up the origin of the phrase "in cahoots".

And the last email I got was this -

Subject: Hi Molly, Please stop your communication with the bank.

Hello Molly Bier,

I hardly read from you. Anyway I want you to please stop any
transaction or transfer of what I told you about with the Union Bank as I just
received from the woman an embarrasing email.

Please forgive me if I have offended your thought. I never knew that
she was mannerless though her predicament seems to be true. I was molest
in her email to me that the banker called her and informed her that she
should present her son or daughter so that he can release the money for
her. I called those all transh. She only seek my help and I was trying
to help.

Anyway how are you doping at a moment? Hope great. Revert to me ASAP.

John Blair

He was molest in her email? Eeeeww.
How am I doping at moment? Just fine, thanks.


Oh, and speaking of freaks, my blogstalker had an interesting comment on his blog. Is it directed at the PKP? You be the judge.

Michael said...
Sarah, I still love you, and will always love you, even though you and your crew are seriously evil.

Umm... yeeeeeeah...

4/22/06 Interesting Update - the comment has since been deleted from his blog, thesubstanceofaliberalsrtseducation.

Michael, Michael, Michael. You really should let people other than yourself add comments to your whimsical musings.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

It's so ridiculous that it's just pitiful.

Wow, check out this lucrative email I just got from a complete stranger!

I have a new email address!

You can now email me at:

From:Mr. Amara Akubuisi

Attn: Sir/Madam

Good day to you and your family,

It is my humble pleasure to write this letter irrespective of the fact that you do not know me. However, I came to know of you in my private search for a reliable and trustworthy person that can handle a confidential transaction of this nature in respect to our investment plans in real estate. Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day.

Let me start by first, introducing myself properly to you,as this letter may come as a surprise to you, but from a sincere mind with honest desire for your assistance to ESTABLISH a mutual business relationship with you. I got your address from an honest, trustworthy and God fearing individual who might assist me implement instructions as left for me by my father, CHIEF LEO AKUBUISI , of blessed memory. I hope you will not impede the trust and confidence I repose in you.

In brief introduction,

I am MR. AMARACHUKWU AKUBUISI, an Ivorian,Ivory Coast Nationality. The only child of CHIEF and MRS LEO AKUBUISI,who was a very rich Gold and Diamond merchant, based in Abidjan, the economic capital of Ivory Coast before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discussion a business deal.

When my mother died on October 24 1999, my father took me so special since I am motherless. Before the death of my father on January 26th 2006 in a private hospital where he was admitted treatment in London. He, my father called me secretly to his bed side and told me that he kept a sum of $8,500,000 ( Eight Million five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars) in a suspense account in a Private Security Firm that he uses my names as the next of kin in the fund.

He also explained to me that it was because of this money that he was poisoned by his business partners and that I should seek for a foreign partner in a country of my choice where I would move this money and used it for an investment such as (real estate management or stock market).

Note,the funds are already with a security company, If you can be willing to assist me, you will be given every vital documents relate to the deposit for claim on my behalf as I cannot travel out from my Country at the moment because of certain conditions given because of the present as the situation in my Country that brought destruction / hell to our great nation and traveling out from here now is practically difficult, the rebels is trying to frustrate our Diamond/Gold businesses here.

If you accept this offer of assistance, What I need from you are as follows:

1. You should go to the Security Company to secure the funds in cash and open a Bank account in your country for me with the credentials I will give you.

2. I will like you to tell me what will be your percentage/commission as compensation for your effort after the transferring of these fund to your nominated account overseas.

3. As soon as you confirm to me by e-mail your readiness to travel to the Security Company, I will send the PIN code number of the consignment to you and also the security Company's information.

4. Please note that this project is 100% risk free but you must keep it very secret and confidential with strong assurance that you will not let me down at all.

5) To serve as the guardian of this fund since I am a boy of 26 years.

6) To make arrangement for me in your country to continue my education career and to procure me a residential permit in your country.

Dear,pls.Send an email for more details as soon as you receive this mail.

Please, I will be happy if this transaction will be concluded within (14)working days from now.

Thanks in anticipation for co-operation.

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Amara Akubuisi

- akubuisifamily

The sad thing is that there are people out there who fall for this. There must be, or the thugs would quit trying and move on to some other means of conning nice ordinary people. Makes me sick.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Wanna See Our Righteous EARL Score?

Here, my friends, are pics of the Bamboo Shades we Liberated from the front lawn of a house in a Raw-ther Nice Neighborhood, shortly after we bought beer on Easter Sunday.

The more I think about it, the whole event does have a certain Earl Flair to it.

But check out how cool these shades look in our trailer... er, house! It doesn't show in the pics, but the thread sewing the pieces of bamboo together match our drapes and carpet perfectly. They totally enhance the Tiki Lounge theme, dontcha think? Oh, I just love them. And for free! Well, only the cost of dignity, which, well, let's face it... my dignity is long gone.

And P.S. - Thank you all for the "I take stuff from other people's trash too" comments. Glad to know my peeps are in the hizzay!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Why R Rocks. Updated.

I can't remember if I've mentioned it on here, but I love Werther's Chewy Caramels like you can't even imagine. And the only thing I love more than Werther's Chewy Caramels are Cadbury Mini-Eggs.

I eat them like popcorn, fer cryin' out loud. I've tried for years to reach the saturation point, where I eat so many I get sick of them and I won't eat them ever again. It worked with Krispy Kreme donuts, but I'm pretty sure it will never happen with Mini-Eggs.

If you've never tried them, you should. No wait, don't. Then there will be more left for me.

You can only get them between Valentine's Day and Easter, and when they're gone, you have to wait until next year. So on the day after Easter, I get up early and go buy up as many bags as I can find. This year, however, I was unable to find any. It wasn't for a lack of looking. After I dropped Ry off at MDO, I took Tito el Tigre to Tarzhay with me, and they had not one bag of Cadbury Mini-Eggs.

Then I took Little T with me to my LYS. I will NEVER do that again. He's like a freakin' hemorrhoid. I know it's bad form to take a kid into a yarn shop, but it was an emergency. I was shopping for my Secret Pal. So I'm not going to say what I bought, but it wasn't yarn.

Then I went to pick Ry up a little later, and when I arrived at his classroom he was crying. He said his ear hurt. So I went back by the house and got the boys some snacks and headed for Urgent Care. R called me at lunchtime and I told him about how pitiful P was acting. So after an hour and a half of trying to cuddle my snivelling Ry while making sure Teeny T didn't unplug anything important, sure enough, Mr. Pie has an ear infection. Or, as he calls it, an ear defection.

Current Al Bundy Count 11:00am - SIX.

I love PaintShop.

So I went to Walgreens to get his medicine and once again, no Cadbury Mini-Eggs. They did have the Creme Eggs, so I bought myself a few of those, y'know, to take the sting out of the fact that now I'd have to go home and I wouldn't be able to scour the clearance aisles of my favorite stores on the day after Easter, and tomorrow all the good stuff would probably be gone.

So that night I continued working on my Seat of the Pants Bag and R came home from his class with...

FOUR big bags of Cadbury Mini-Eggs! He just ROCKS my world.

I also love R because of his willingness to participate in my wacky Lucy Ricardo-esque shenanigans. On our way home from Easter at Chez Inlaw, we picked up some beer (how white trash is that, on the Resurrection Day and whatnot)and on our way home we drove through the Raw-ther Nice Neighborhood that lies just on the Other Side of the Proverbial Tracks from us. You know, people who have garages the size of our whole house. More power to ya if you live in that kind of place, I ain't hatin'. Just givin' you a visual.

So we're driving down Fancypants Road and I see what appears to be 4 rolled-up bamboo shades, lying by the mailbox at the bottom of Some Rich Person's driveway. Now, I've wanted some vintage bamboo shades for a while. So I made him pull over and pop the trunk while Beebie and I dashed out for the Swipe. I figured, they must be getting rid of them, right? I mean, why else would they be by the side of the road? I felt no guilt, remorse or shame.

Beeb, however, said she felt like we were on an episode of My Name is Earl.

(Ry usually gets the props for saying the funny stuff, but that was a good one, Beebie.)

So we got home and R hung them and they look SO cool!
I'll take a pic for youse.

R rocks.

Oh, and didja see my Ter-Bear on Jay Leno last night????

Monday, April 17, 2006

Well, it didn't suck after all.

Jeez, what a rant. Sorry.

I wish I could say that FIL really isn't that bad, but he is. In fact, he's worse. I didn't even scratch the surface of his character.

Still, somehow, yesterday he was pleasant. Nice, even.
He was Pod-FIL.

Really, the worst part of the day was the stress I brought on myself for the hours prior to our arrival at Chez Inlaw. That, and standing in the back of the church for an hour and a half. We even got there 20 minutes early and it was Standing Room Only. Dontcha love that?

The kiddos were pleased with their presents from the Bunny. I really don't like for the Bunny to bring buttloads of candy. I'm not anti-candy, it's mainly that I don't want the Temptation in the house. Beeb got a T-shirt and a yo-yo, Ry got a glow-in-the-dark Magic Wand and a Star Wars Xbox Game (Revenge of the Sith, I think). He shuffled into my room at this morning at 6:45am and, still blinking, asked me if he could play it. Teeny got a Skarloey engine and a Fergus engine along with his Thomas Train DVD, and was elated.

The day before, when I spent most of the day questioning my parenting skills (as you read below), Ry was driving me crazy all morning with whining and when I asked him to quit and he didn't, I said I was going to talk to the Easter Bunny and tell him not to bring Ry any treats in his basket. That afternoon I took the kids to the City's Annual Egg Hunt (against my better judgment) and when it was over, we left to walk home and Ry started what we like to call The Silent Sob. I asked him what was wrong and he said that he was sad because he didn't get to see the Easter Bunny. Then T started crying too, and Beeb said "Please, can we see the Easter Bunny, Mom???"

There was a big long line. But, we had nothing better to do, so the four of us got in the Bunny Line. Should I have said no?

So after waiting in the line, Ryan marched right over to the bunny and said,

"Hello, Mr. Easter Bunny. My name's Ryan and I want you to bring me a REAL Light Saber and a Sword like Peter from Narnia. And if my mom tells you I was bad, she's just LYING."


So then yesterday we had brunch out at the Clubhouse at Chez Inlaw, which is the site of one of THE single worst experiences of my life, that I'm not even going to get into because I'd like to believe I'm over it. This time, though, FIL and MIL got us a private room, and I have no idea how much it cost them, over and above the $22 per person brunch, but it was SO nice to have our own room where the kids could get up and move around if they felt like it. I made a big deal about showing my appreciation.

I told my MIL (whom I ADORE, I should point that out) how I always stress myself out about how the kids are going to behave, and I even kinda covered it by saying I always stress out when we take the kids out anywhere - which really is true, it's just that we never really go anywhere but to Chez Inlaw.

So, to sum up, the food was good, the kids were really pretty well-behaved since Tito was able to lay on the floor and watch his DVD, Albert Pujols hit 3 home runs in a dramatic come-from-behind-in-the-bottom-of-the-9th Cardinal victory, and overall it was a very nice day. Here are a couple of pics.

Isn't he a stinker??

Saturday, April 15, 2006

I don't know how you guys walk around with those freaky dangly things anyway.

My 4-year-old, Ryan (a.k.a. Little Al), got scolded 5 times yesterday for walking around with his hand in his drawers. I'm insisting that R have a talk with him and just explain that it's not good manners to walk around with one's hand in one's pants. Everytime I try to talk to him about it, he says "But I like touching it!" And I just giggle. Wieners are weird.

(Note: It's equally unacceptable for one to walk around with one's hand in someone else's pants. That hasn't been a problem for Ry yet, but I just thought it bore mentioning.)

I'm really hoping he doesn't pull an AL tomorrow at the In-Laws. Usually I start stressing about going there approximately 24 hours in advance, so I'm right on schedule. I don't even know where to start to tell the story of my FIL. For years, he had not one kind word to say to me or about me. In fact, the very first thing he said to R after meeting me for the first time was "Looks like she's already got her hooks into ya." I kinda wish R hadn't told me that, because at the time I didn't feel that I'd done anything to warrant his displeasure, and I couldn't believe he'd say something like that.

I'm a nice girl. I was polite and respectful, and I even told R's mom that she should be proud of the perfect gentleman she raised. But looking back, that shitty comment really kinda set the tone for the whole nature of my relationship with Him. And then of course, six months later I was pregnant. His belief, for years, was that I had gotten pregnant "on purpose" so as to snag myself a man... well, little did He know that when I met R, His son was $20K+ in debt, so he really was NOT such a prize, in the financial stability sense. (He knows about the debt now.)

So, basically, it's been a very long road but I think He finally realizes that I'm here to stay. Still, every single visit out there is a crapshoot. If He's having a bad day, watch out. I've learned the art of "nod and smile and pretend you're paying attention to whatever bullshit story He's telling". I think it was Thanksgiving this year that Teeny T was running around instead of eating The Dinner, and He made a snide comment about T's behavior, everyone froze and He said "Did I misspeak?" Grrrr. So I silently ate really quick and took T outside to run around, so he wouldn't bother anyone. See, the thing is, He was never a hands-on kind of dad, so He doesn't really realize that sometimes, when little boys are 3, they act like idiots and even a mom who's around them all day, every day, can't control them. That's just how it IS. He doesn't get it. I should forgive Him, but it's difficult when I feel that my parenting skills are critiqued constantly.

This is why I'm so hard on myself.

I read all the parenting books I can get my hands on, and yet, I always feel like everything I do as a parent is wrong. I mean, literally, always. I grew up with parents who applauded everything I did. And that's not wrong, I'm not saying it is. But now, as an adult, whenever I don't get something right on the first try, I get frustrated and I feel like an idiot. And if nobody tells me I did a good job, I don't feel like I did a good job. I'm an external-affirmation whore, which is NO way to go through life, so I'm extremely cautious not to pass this quality on to my kids.

The only feedback I get from Him is negative. So of course, being in His presence, well, I hate it. R, on the other hand, grew up in His house where he was made to feel as though he could never get anything right, and to this day has major self-esteem issues. My goal is to be somewhere inbetween the Over-Heaping of Praise and the Complete Witholding of Praise, and it's a constant struggle that wears me out.

I don't know if I was ever really meant to even be a parent. Sometimes I wonder if there aren't other more capable people out there somewhere who are really the ones supposed to be raising these kids. I just got them by mistake somehow and I should just hand them over and go back to sleep. I was never one of the people who try really hard for years to have kids. I think I would probabaly appreciate my kids in a different way if that were the case, but as it was, I was surprised and emotionally debiliated by each of my pregnancies. Beebie was Unwed Mother Drama, Pie was This Baby Might Not Live Drama, and Tito was Oh Shit - Irish Twin Drama.

Each time, it was hard to get excited about being pregnant, like most other moms would be. I tried to bond by nursing but gave up after several months (didn't nurse my kids for a full year, like you're supposed to) because I HATED nursing. I hated everything about it, and I took a LOT of shit for giving it up. Am I a lazy parent? Probably. Do I love my kids less than a mom who nurses? Absolutely not. Give birth twice in 10 1/2 months and my guess is that you'd be pretty exhausted too. I don't think I'm being unreasonably selfish, given the circumstances.

I should also point out that my feelings of inadequacy are not limited to my parental skills. I generally feel like everything I do in my life is crap. I am really tough on myself when I make a mistake. I know I drive myself crazy, but the phrase "lighten up" just doesn't compute.

Oh, I wish I hadn't started on this topic, now I'm just gonna make myself sick...

Thursday, April 13, 2006

I made a new button.

Oh, and the current Al Bundy (Fercryinoutloud,get-your-hands-out-of-your-pants) count is 4, since my last entry. I'm thinkin' tomorrow's going to be double-digits.

Just for Fun

Starting Tomorrow, I'm gonna keep track of how many times I have to tell Ryan to get his hand out of his pants.

Any guesses? Predictions? Wagers?

My favorite Easter story

Just before Easter, when Beebie was about 3, we were at WalMart.

It gets funnier. Stay with me.

We were about to get into the Check-out lane, when on the intercom we heard,

"Attention, WalMart Guests! The Easter Bunny will be making an appearance over at the Customer Service Desk!"


So R said okay, and the two of them walked hand-in-hand over to the Customer Service Desk, which was out of my range of vision.

A minute or so later, I saw R walking back toward me, nearly doubled over, giggling silently to himself. Right behind him was Beeb stomping angrily, arms folded and scowling.

"What's goin' on?", I asked R.

And R explained that Beeb had skipped right over there to see the Bunny, and as soon as she saw that the Easter Bunny was about 6'2", she yelled, "HEY!!! YOU'RE NOT THE EASTER BUNNY! YOU'RE A MAN!!! YOU'RE A MAN IN A COSTUME!"

(Looking back, I'm kinda surprised that she didn't use the phrase "What the F@CK??@!!")

The other customers (and even the employees) snickered as she stormed away, as pissed off as a 3-year-old can be.

Can't sneak nuthin past my girl. Don't even try.

My second favorite Easter story is the year that R tried to trim Beebie's bangs, and quickly learned that there is a big difference between Boy Bangs and Girl Bangs. And he won't be trimming ANY bangs ever again. If I can find the picture of that, I'll put it up for your amusement.

After we see if I survive this Easter Brunch at Chez Inlaw, I'll tell the story of my Least Favorite Easter Experience.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

An Update of sorts

The lighter that Ry had to try to figure out was actually one of those cool long ones, not a cigarette lighter. I must confess that I don't know how to work a cigarette lighter. Pie couldn't figure out hte lighter, and yet, to my surprise, he didn't give up.

Instead, he made amusing small talk with the test administrator.

"I know a lot of funny jokes. Ya wanna hear a joke? What did the strawberry say to the other strawberry? You're Sweet. Cuz strawberries are sweet. I made it up myself."

Today on our Date Day, R and I went to the Science Center where we bought a membership with a Matching Gift from his Place of Employment. Then we went to see the Titanic Exhibit, which was a lot more interesting than I had expected.

Still no word from Maddie, Ellen, or TB.

Movies I've seen recently, reviewed in 3 words or Fewer -

Good Night and Good Luck: Where's Downey been?

Philip See-more Genius.

The Squid and the Whale: Pre-teen Masturbation. Yick.

Waiting: Dick Jokes. Funny.

I also got a super-cool package from my Hilarious Knitty Sp, who I think might be a Potential Kooky Kitten-Hoarder. She sent a set of #2 DPN's, some sock yarn and a sock-kitting book that I've heard good things about. I was so excited! I'll have to take a pic when I put new batteries in the camera.

I also think I might know who my Cheapie SP is. She's awesome. In fact, I think she's Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. I've so enjoyed her wit, so much like my own. I've had two really good SP's! If it's bad form to guess your SP's on your blog, forgive me. I'm not really experienced in the SP thing, so I'm sorry if I'm using poor etiquette.

And a big fat birthday SMOOCH to my beloved Domestic Overlord! La Domestica and I are still compiling the pics for the Fug-Off entries. We're just waiting for one of the pics, and then we'll start the Fuggin. Sad news, though - CPurl's Barf Scarf is out of the swap. Sniffle.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Random Thoughts, Volume XIV

I'm sick. Which, when you're a mom, means absolutely nothing.

R has been sick for the last week. I finally made him go to the doctor to get checked out (against his will), and it turns out that he has a sinus infection. Along a lovely phlegmy cough that keeps both of us up all night. Several times this week I've woken up to the sound of Machine Guns from the Godfather Xbox game. Grrrrr. Hun, if you can't sleep, get up and do a load of laundry or something.

Speaking of laundry, after 5 days of no electricity, we had QUITE a pile on the basement floor. Then, more rain came and the basement leaked and the bottom layer of clothes got wet. Great. So I busted ass to get as much of it done as I could, and somehow a lipstick snuck in there, highlighting several items with Sugared Bronze. Oh, I was pissed.

Which reminds me of a story - one year on New Year's Eve, I was supposed to go to this Disco Ball New Year's Eve Party thing with my then-boyfriend Reek. I did laundry that afternoon, and a lipstick was in my pocket, ruining all my nice work clothes. I was beside myself crying. Reek couldn't understand why I was so upset. HELLO - I wrecked all my clothes AND a perfectly good lipstick! He went to the party without me, and I spent New Year's Eve in a LAUNDROMAT.

You know how there are some people who just don't understand that other people have feelings, even though they themselves may not? That's Reek. The story of Reek is another saga in my life that I'll fill you all in on some other time. Synopsis - I dated him for five years, and we broke up right after the Disco Ball Disaster. Three months later I met R.

I ache all over. My throat hurts, my ears itch, my nose is dripping constantly, and my voice isn't the Sexy Demi Moore/Kathleen Turner voice, it's the Harvey Firestein voice. OY!

Beebie's grounded this week because she lied all last week about having her homework done when it wasn't. Why does she think I'm not gonna find out?

Today I'm taking Pie to a research study that requires him to try to light a cigarette lighter. Apparently cigarette lighter manufacturers have safety standards that require them to test their lighters to see if the Average Kid can work them. The lighter won't actually light, of course, it beeps or a light goes off or something to indicate that the kid figured it out. Then they pay me $20 for letting them use my kid as a guinea pig.

Last week I made $125 for tasting different Chicken Broths. I'd probably eat a bug for $125.

Thought - If the Lighter Manufacturers REALLY were interested in safety, wouldn't they just QUIT MAKING CIGARETTE LIGHTERS? Sorry, I kinda hate cigarettes. Not necessarily smokers, just cigarettes.

Lemme think, what else can I tell you... with the exception of my Yarn Barn and Stonehill Spinners purchases, I have bought NO yarn during Lent. That's why I think I can handle Rebekah's Don't Buy Yarn challenge.

Lent ends Sunday, and we're going out to my in-laws for Easter. One of these days I'll talk a little more about the in-laws, but for now, let me just say that spending the day with the in-laws is just about the most stressful thing I can think of.

You never really know which rules are going to apply, whether it's "How can you let your children act like THAT???!!??? Haven't you taught them any manners??" or "Oh, they're just kids, you're being WAY too hard on them". Either way, the message is YOU SUCK AS A PARENT. I feel like that all the time anyway, without any reinforcement, thank you very much.

Fox2 News has a brand new set and new graphics, including the little On-Air Personalities Intro with close-ups of a coyly-smiling Glenn Zimmerman mouthing Intimate Weather Terminology to someone off-camera (I pretend it's me). Glenn has boyish dimples than make me sigh, and in Hi-Def... oh, girl.

I got a little postcard in the mail from Martha Stewart Kids magazine informing me that there is no more Martha Stewart Kids magazine. I'm so sad! I loved the projects in there! So now they're replacing my Kids subscription with a subscription to Everyday Foods. I'll let you know what I think of it. Ha! Don't I always?

I need a Kleenex. Sniff.

And lastly, I just got this funeral notice emailed to me by the Very Worthy Wife of my good friend Yemen, whom I've known for more than 30 years (since I was 4 and he was 3):

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, It is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Oh, come on. You know it's funny.

Sometimes I wonder, though.
"What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?"

Sunday, April 09, 2006

I'm pretty sure we're goin' to Hell.

Ok, we don't go to church all that often, mainly because of Tito, whose legendary disruptive outbursts have gotten us kicked out of church before.

(No, I'm NOT kidding. The priest did one of those oh-so-discreet little head-nods toward the exit.)

So this morning, being Palm Sunday and all, I thought well, let's all get up and go to the 8am mass. We made it there on time and found a decent parking place and a seat in the back, should we have to make a quick getaway. But things went surprisingly well.

Nat and Mr. Pie got to leave for children's church, so Tito sat and played with his train on the pew and was happy as can be. Even relatively quiet, for a 3-year-old boy.

So Nat and Pie came back right before communion, and I quietly asked Nat if Ry was good at children's church, since it was his first time going there.

"Yeah, he was good."

"Oh, that's great, I'm glad to hear that."

"'Cept he FARTED."

I nearly wet myself in a fit of Church Giggles.

Saturday, April 08, 2006

And Guess Who's Happiest of All...

... to have the power back on? Jedi Pie.

The morning that the power eventually came back on, he came into my room and said "Mom, I think we should pray for the power to come back." And I said, "That sounds like a great idea, Ry, go ahead."

"Dear God, please bring back my Xbox. Amen."

Friday, April 07, 2006

FEEL MY WRATH, Bastard Property Managers!

Here are the storm photos, as promised.

Here's the problem. This darn thing came completely disconnected from the house, making it not AmerenUE's problem, but the Homeowner's problem. I am not the homeowner, so I don't have to pay, thank God. I do, however, have to WAIT for the homeowners to pay.

I called "Emergency Maintenance" as soon as I could after the storm was over. Nobody called me back, but the maintenance guy came out the next day to look at everything. He took a look at the tree which had fallen on the power lines and said "Yeah, Ameren's gonna have to take care of that. It'll probably be a while." Yeah, thanks.

Here's the power line running right over my chainlink fence. This meant the kids couldn't play outside.

Here's my favorite little tree. I was sad.

And HERE is the culprit.

Here's the pole, pulled askew. I really like the word askew.

Here's what I saw out my bedroom window, as I watched the storm instead of going to the basement.

So Ameren came out Monday at about 2:30am (I'm guessing, since I had no clock) with a chainsaw. R didn't even hear it.

There is something wrong with a man who can sleep through the sound of a chainsaw running less than 50 yards from his head.

So Ameren was moving faster than expected. They worked all day Tuesday and got the power back on on Tuesday afternoon. For everyone but us. This is the tree after the chainsaw.

So Wednesday morning I called and said "Hey, the electric company's been here and all I need now is for the electrician/maintenance people to come out and stick the conduit back onto the house..." The electrician said he'd have a guy out either that afternoon or first thing in the morning, at the latest. Ok, I said. There's an end in sight. I can make it.

I didn't hear a damn thing from anyone. At this point it had been 4 days, and things were getting pretty tense at Chez Karma.

So I called Thursday morning at 11 and said that nobody had been out there yet. I called the electrician myself and asked if they'd be out there today. "Well, we're going to try to get you on the schedule..." he said. "Don't yank my chain, if it's not going to be today, seriously, just tell me. My maintenance guy said this morning at the latest, and you're telling me it might not even be today at all?"

He laughed. Literally.

And this, friends, is when I reached the absolute limit of my patience. I snapped. I called the property manager in hysterics (here I need to point out that I love the word hysterical because it is based on the Greek word for uterus. Since having a uterus and behaving like a raving lunatic are synoymous, as anyone knows). The conversation went something like this:

"Um, hey this is Penny Karma, I was wondering if there was any possibility that we could get a different electrician out here since this one just told me that he probably wouldn't be able to get me in today... I mean, this (whimpering now) is just crazy... We've lived here for two years and we've never asked for a single thing... and this is totally ridiculous..."

"I understand your frustration."

"No, I really don't think you do, I have three kids who have been eating peanut butter and jelly for breakfast lunch and dinner and who are climbing the walls, my son needs his nebulizer..."

"I appreciate your concern."

"I mean, if this was happening at your house, I'm sure you'd be on the phone too..."

"Mrs. Karma. What YOU have to understand is that we have 200 properties that are all without power. We have them prioritized and all I can tell you is that the electrician will be out there as soon as possible."

First of all, BULLSHIT they have 200 properties that are all without power. Ameren got power on two days ago, and I seriously doubt that the other 199 properties to which she's referring have had electrical connections totally ripped off their house and who are now just waiting for a guy to come out and spend maybe 5 minutes hooking the damn thing back up.

"Well, is there any way for me to find out where Crazy Woman with Three Kids ranks on the list, priority-wise? And is there any way I could drop my kids off at your office for an hour?"

"Mrs. Karma. I understand your frustration. But you have to be PATIENT."

"I've BEEN patient. For five days. Now I'm really kinda at the brink of insanity..."

"I'll see what I can do, but if you pester the electrician, then he just gets mad and it'll take longer."


I hung up. I sat on my bed and sobbed. I couldn't think of anything else to do with myself.

This was at about 2:30pm Thursday.

Finally, about two hours later we went out to get some food and came back to this -

There now, was that so hard? I mean, honestly, people.

The electrician called me to let me know it was back on. I thanked him. I called the Property Manager and told her I was back on and apologized for being upset.

I didn't have to apologize, I know. I had every right to be as pissed off as I was. But I believe in killin' 'em with kindness.

And then kickin' 'em in the shins.

Bradshaw Blitz Continues

Here's where I want to go on my Dream Date with Terry Bradshaw -

I think I'll have to update Ellen.

Here's the link to her show's webpage where they show the Crazy Dreams they've already fulfilled. Old ladies wanting to skydive. Wouldn't My Crazy Dream be more fun than that?

So here's what I wrote:

OK, Ellen. I wrote in a few weeks ago about my crazy dream to go on a dream date with Terry Bradshaw. Remember? Well, I figured out where I want him to take me.

I want him to take me to the Def Leppard/Journey concert. Seriously, picture the scene for a second and I'm sure you'll agree that the entertainment value for your show is immeasurable. I mean, I'm all for watching old ladies skydive and whatever, but my crazy dream has potential to be Hall-Of-Fame material.

Anyway, you can get to know me a little bit through my blog - , and I hope to hear from you soon.

I'm not one to give up easily.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

And on the 5th day... there was LIGHT.

(dramatic pause)

(dramatic pause)


I just wanted to assure everyone we're all safe - except for the casualties in the refridgerator. Eeeewww, that was funky.

I'll type more tomorrow. My hands are still shaking, I'm so pissed off about the whole stupid thing. Attempting to feed, warm and entertain the family for 60+ hours without the luxury of electricity was physically and mentally exhausting.

I'll be crankin' up my electric blanket tonight.

Because I can.

Monday, April 03, 2006

As Seen on TV - ME!!

Y'all are not even gonna believe this.

There I was, mindin' my own business, when suddenly...

(Don't all the best stories start out that way?)


The sky was really dark, and then the wind started whipping around really bad, blowing our white trash porch decorations all around the yard, and then instantly the sky just unleashed a freakin hailstorm like I have NEVER seen.

The wind was so loud we couldn't hear the tornado sirens until the worst of it was over.

And Tito didn't want to go to the basement anyway because it was "Too 'Pooky".

Pieces of our neighbor's roof landed in our driveway. Our biggest tree fell, somehow splitting a neighbor's tree and falling, voila! Right onto our power lines. Oh, and it also ripped out the spot where the electrical lines attach to the house. This is when I'm glad we rent. But I haven't heard back from the leasing company yet, which concerns me a little.

And here's the kicker.

I'm in the backyard surveying the damage, and who should walk down my driveway but METEOROLOGIST CHRIS HIGGINS, with his cameraman. See my March posts for the pic. He's Fox2's weekend weather warrior.

Yes, I'm a teeny bit sad that it wasn't my BLM, but this was still just hilarious. He just showed up at my house. Just walked right up to where I was talking to my mom on my cell phone, and set up his little ol' tripod and taped me describing the drama to my parents. The kiddos were mugging and acting like idiots, of course, but thank God, they were edited out. Nat told Mr. Higgins that her mommy thinks Glenn Zimmerman is really cute. Thanks, Nat. Glenn, if you're reading this, Chris had nothing but nice things to say about you. And he was very nice.

So kids, I made the local news. And I couldn't even freakin see it because the power was out. Probably best that way, I'm sure I must have looked hideous.

I'm coming to you now from my local Library. See how important you all are to me, my babies?? I got nuthin but love for ya. And a freezer full of ice cream, if you wanna swing by and help yourself before it all melts.

So if I'm not online for the next few days, please understand. I'll have pics posted as soon as I can.

Peace out, PKP!

Saturday, April 01, 2006

Yeah, it's my third post today - SO WHAT??

I'm bored. Beebie's at her fashion show practice. Mr. Pie's at a Jedi Training Academy birthday party (which looked like SO much fun). Tito Mosquito is sleeping on the sofa. R's at work.

I'm bored.

It's so weird how I'm literally never alone, and yet, right now I'm feeling incredibly lonely. I'm fully aware of what an isolated existence mine is. Irony, wouldntcha say?

I suppose I could do laundry or clean something.

God, I'm hilarious (wiping tears of laughter).

Instead, I shall post three long-overdue pictures.

I suppose I could give the pics a clever title and count them in the ABC-along too, since I'm a few letters behind. So, here we go -

Extremely Fun Goodies.

This is the package of yarn that The Donald sent on behalf of my Cheapie SP, Ivana. I wish the colors had shown up better, they really are lovely. And there's a pattern for a felted bag, since I'm clearly an addict now. Notice that I'm already making something. That's the Seat Of My Pants Bag that I'm making up as I go along. Oh, it's gonna be freakin' righteous.

This is from my SP 6 - and it's not a good picture, but it's an uberfantastic package. She sent a tote bag which I TOTALLY needed (and love), some Sari Silk Yarn (wound into balls so I wouldn't have to do it), some hand-made Sushi-shaped thumb tacks (which are brilliant), some really neat hand-made crystals (which you can't really see in the pic but trust me, they're awesome), and some stitch markers(currently in use).

This is the purse I made out of two different weights of Lopi while riding in a minivan across Texas. The black is Lopi Lite, the pink, regular Lopi purchased at Yarn Barn. I think it came out ok, other than the shedding and the fact that it's really, really itchy.

Flashin' my Stash!

I was gonna get in the tub and cover myself with yarn, but it's already been done (and WAY better than I could have done it) by Knit and Tonic.

So I thought I'd pose like a proud parent! Nat took the picture, which hopefully explains the kooky angle.

Here's why I love the Flash Your Stash pics everyone else has posted:

Hubby sees that I really DON'T have that much yarn.

Ya Down Wit' PKP*?

*Penny Karma Posse

Here's a shout-out to my CREW!

And if you don't have your own Crew, you really should get one.
Highly recommended.

It's so good to know y'all got my back.

Knitty(tm) By Nature - Hip Hop Hooray!