Thursday, December 18, 2008

So Much For Goals.

I had one goal this year, people. ONE FUCKIN GOAL.

No, I'm not talking about soccer, you assholes - and I'm NOT a Soccer Mom, no matter what KOFA says! I'm talking about a knitting pattern.

I did so poorly meeting my 2007 goals last year (most of which I still didn't meet in 2008), that I only gave myself ONE goal for the entire year. Let me refresh your memory, from my January 4, 2008 post -

And as for my goals for 2008?

A) I will defeat the Ice Queen and document it for y'all's edification. If I'm up at 3am on December Thirtyfuckinfirst, I'll finish that bitch. I'll unload my Circular Needles of Terror and let her taste my wrath.

Beyond that, I don't know if I really want to set any other goals. My greatest achievements of the past year were the ones I didn't plan. So I think I'll sit back and see what learning experiences come my way if I open my mind to them.

So how am I doing on my one measly goal? I SUCK. I hadn't touched the bitch in months until I picked her up yesterday. I think I'm more than halfway done, but I don't remember what row I'm on and where to put the beads. I think I'm kinda going have to go for a stylishly haphazard sort of vibe. Stylishly haphazard sums my fashion sense up pretty well, I'd say.

And how about the learning experiences that came my way this year? Let's recap a few of my favorites. Click the links to refresh your memory, and if I've left your favorite out, please feel free to leave a comment and let me know what it was.

I had a birthday that didn't suck. (You still have 24 shopping days, by the way.)

I totally forgot about the Oscar Contest. Pam, Chris, Nell - send me your info again, please. I'm such an asshole, I'm ashamed of myself.

I went tits up at the Riverwalk, ate a deep-fried Twinkie, climbed Enchanted Rock, got totally wasted with my sister in Austin, and met an unforgettable man in Corpus who reminded me that Everybody's Carryin' Their Own Sacka Rocks.

I survived a Swamp Thing Home Invasion.

I had to call the Po-Po on a couple of 5th grade bitches.

I got out of Mother's Day at the Inlaws. Strep Throat is SO much more pleasant. By the way, I had Strep FOUR TIMES in 2008.

Helped out with Junior Achievement (Do I look like a muthahfuggin role model? To a kid lookin' up to me, life ain't nuttin but bitches and money).

Was seen in public with a dude in a skirt.

Went to Pride, and got the steal of a lifetime on Smitchwicks Ale at WalMart.

Watched in horror as my mother attempted to mount a hand dryer on the bathroom wall at Dairy Queen.

Sent my Beebie to Junior High.

Spent four hours and $400 at the dentist's office.

Proved to the world that I am a White Trash Mom, and damn proud of it.

Smoked Cubans with Rip.

And took him Pot Roast and Porn, just cuz I love the guy.

Accompanied Beebie on a date (along with Buffy and Princeton).

Blew my nose on my bedsheets. A PK Classic.

Got paid for watching a Presidential Debate, volunteered to work for the Dragon Lady (and promptly quit), and told the Church Nazi to SUCK IT.

Bought life-changing lingerie.

One word - LUBABA (Scroll down to G).

Placed at the Pevely Flea Market Halloween Costume Contest for the 3rd consecutive year.

In probably my favorite post of the year - Went to my very first Mammogram.

And took a date to my very second Mammogram.

Celebrated eleven years of wedded bliss with my best friend.

Got a DYSON!!

Continued to fight the Soccer Mom Stereotype.

AND... lost 26 pounds!!!

So, Ice Queen, sorry if I've neglected you.
I've been a little busy.


Anonymous said...

Thanks, PK, for another year of fantastic.

We laughed, we cried, and it's hard for me to pick a favorite.

But if I had to?


Looking forward to another year of fun. Wishing you and yours all the best this holiday season, and a happy healthy 2009.

And personally, I'm glad you didn't knit that thing. Am I wrong to think that lady looks ridic? You can totally tell she's not pierced.

Kevin said...

Damn - as a relative noob to the phenomenon that is Penny Karma, looks like I've got some reading to do...

Good thing I've got a week off work...

Nell said...

OMG! I totally forgot about the Oscar thing.

Congrats on the weight loss. That's really great!!!!

Jo said...

Sounds like you had a great year - and super congrats on that last one!

JRS said...

You lost 26 pounds?! You must be a twig now.
I'd say you accomplished a lot. Now you can focus on the ice queen. I've heard that it would be appropriate for the weather in Missouri right now.

Trillian42 said...

Heh - I'm with Nell. I totally forgot about the Oscar contest. :)

And I'm not sure I can pick a favorite adventure of yours this year. Although I do think "LUBABA" should be a new curse word.

amylovie said...

Cuz, don't sweat that stupid Ice Queen. Throw that cold hearted bitch away.

Even I, the LYS owner, have been known to do it on occasion. If I'm just not enjoying it, it's not worth my precious time.

In fact, as a jesture of good will and family spirit, I will send you a much cooler project. It is the least I can do for all of the enjoyment I get from reading your blog.

Cousin A

Beverly said...

Screw the Ice Queen. You rock.

SiressYorkie said...

I say frog the Ice Bitch and use the yarn to knit some pasties. Sometimes the yarn and the project just don't go together. Bad ju ju.

You DID forget to list the fact that I called you whilst stateside. Humph. See where *I* rank in things...

Batty said...

Meh, anybody can knit a cowl. You did so many other amazing things! Maybe you need to reset your goal and simply say that next year, you're going to be awesome. Which should make things a lot easier.

letajo said...

Aren't you forgetting something on your list of things you did in 2008?