Monday, December 29, 2008

Insolent and Vexing.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna write about Christmas and my parents' visiting us and Tito's birthday and our wacky New Year's Eve plans and whatnot... eventually.

But I had to post a couple of other things first:

A) These pics, seen on , were sent to me by a loyal fan who knows how much I enjoy using my phone to take pictures of the signs prohibiting cell phone use in certain places.

Just don't use your Blackberry to look up the words on

And B) A dog licked (my Crackberry buddy) Other Kevin's head.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My Collection of Crazy Christmas Music

I saw a couple of Christmas Music posts over on List O' The Day,

Look HERE and HERE.

List Of the Day makes me happy.
I have a totally impure crush on Cary.

Anyway, when I realized that I had a couple of the ones that you might not even believe were real, I felt obligated to share some of my eclectic collection with you.

I started collecting Christmas Music about 12 years ago when I worked in Downtown Clayton (St. Louisans know what that means) across from a really great now-defunct bookstore called Library Ltd. How could I POSSIBLY walk away from this?

At the time I couldn't afford it on what I was making, but I've never regretted buying it when I did because I've never seen it in a store again. And ever since then I try to add at least one to the collection every year. They're not all weird. I love the Charlie Brown Christmas one, for example.

I also have Twisted Sister's Twisted Christmas (new last year), Regis Philbin, Barenaked Ladies and Cyndi Lauper, to name a few. This year, in addition to Billy Idol, I got...

Yeah. And this one.

And this one.

I know. I'm a sick, sick person. Seriously.

And I also have vinyl.

Johnny Mathis' Christmas Album is a family tradition for me. I bought the Digitally Remastered CD for myself one year, and it's just not the same without the scratches and skips.

Here are some more of my favorite Christmas Records.

Happy Holidays from Barbra...

And the Severed Heads!

Doesn't this look like a Christmas Key Party gone horribly wrong?

And The Colonel looks alarmingly chipper Christmas Morning...

considering he was passed out in his rocker the night before.

There are many, many more, my lovelies, but it's Christmas Eve and I need to get the Apes to bed so I can be plenty rested for a full day with Inlaws.

Hope Santa brings me a fuckin flask.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Recent Mergers and Acquisitions

Lemme tell ya about what a great lil boyfriend my Beebie has.

There are a couple of twitterbitches in Beeb's class who just can't resist the urge to be assholes to her.

They're Susie Rottencrotch and Sally McSnotpants. Susie Rottencrotch is a total skank. Here's the backstory on her (I can't remember if I've told it before or not):

At the beginning of the school year, Susie had her eye on Princeton. And apparently something that Princeton said to her erroneously led her to believe that he was into her too. But he's not. Emphatically not. Why? Cuz she's a mean little bitch and she thinks she's hot shit. Plus she talks smack about my Beeb.

Annnnyway, so we know Susie's a little jealous. And a few days ago Beeb and Princeton were walking to class and Princeton was carrying a big box of something. Susie and Sally came up behind Beeb and Princeton in the hall and Sally said, all saccharine-like, Oooooh, you guys are SOOOO CUTE... and Princeton as Beebie ignored her.

Then Sally got all shitty.

Hey, Princeton, do you like the way Beebie looks in those stretch pants? Cuz I think they make her look WEIRD!!!

And Princeton, God love 'im, said...

Sally, you are soooooo lucky my hands are full, or I'd totally flip you off right now.

I told Buffy that her boy scored some major Cool Boyfriend points.

I'm getting along with Buffy a lot better recently. I took Beeb, Princeton, and Pie and Tito to see The Tale of Desperaux today. What a sweet movie! Beeb read the book but I didn't know anything about the story going into it, and I thought the message was wonderful and the animation was excellent. I highly, highly recommend it.

I took it upon myself to do a nice thing for Buffy and her family, given that they're going through a hard time and we certainly know what that's like. I'm into karma and paying it forward. Princeton's such a cool kid. Buffy said he knows they don't have money for gifts and he hasn't complained one bit. He's sold some of his video games and he's saving up his money to buy himself a Wii.

I asked Buffy if there was anything I could do for them for Christmas, and she asked for picture frames, a journal, toys for Perfect Baby, and just anything I thought Princeton would like. Cleaning the basement, I found an assload of frames, a really cute little baby hat that used to be Beebie's that I'd forgotten all about, and some puzzles and books.

I knit Princeton a lovely red Malabrigo hat/scarf combo and Buffy a scarf from crappy stash yarn (which I thought was absolutely hideous, I wish I'd taken a picture, but she LOVES it) and I got Princeton a sketchbook and Buffy a journal. I didn't have any ideas for Biff, and Buffy's not his biggest fan these days but you didn't hear that from me, and Santa doesn't discriminate, so I got him a gift card from Lowe's. And I wrapped them all up and left them on their porch. And I felt great about that.

So, as I mentioned, we're cleaning our basement. Why now, a year after we moved in? Because R found a 47" 1080p flat screen for $550. It was originally $1099, on clearance for $898, then we got 30% off because it was a display model, and an additional 10% off for charging it. We added the 3-year protection plan and it was still under $600. With the money we saved, we got a BlueRay player. It's fucking kickass. I love my husband.

Then we found someone giving away a ping pong table on Freecycle. We underestimated how big that fucker would be. Strapping it to the roof was a pain.

But we got Rip and Skater to help us get it into the basement, and the kids LOVE it. Plus, it keeps them out of my face while they're home for Winter Break.

Speaking of Rip, check out what he got us for Christmas. If you didn't know, I love skulls. And these are on my mantle, right behind the Christmas cards. If you look behind the skull on the left, there's the card from the Aldis with the Aldikids picture in it. Gih.

And look at this righteous apron KOFA got me! The delicious union of domesticity and the macabre. LOVE IT LOVE IT LOVE IT.

Awwww... he went to Etsy. Swoon away, girls.

Don't fuck with me, Martha Stewart. I'll kick yer ass.

Oh, and this little gem was in the box too. I put it on my refridgerator, right next to the PTO Events Calendar.

And kinda random, but have you seen this pic of our President-Elect?

I don't know about you, but I'm sure glad we're not looking at a pic of Senator McCain's Manboobs right now.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

So Much For Goals.

I had one goal this year, people. ONE FUCKIN GOAL.

No, I'm not talking about soccer, you assholes - and I'm NOT a Soccer Mom, no matter what KOFA says! I'm talking about a knitting pattern.

I did so poorly meeting my 2007 goals last year (most of which I still didn't meet in 2008), that I only gave myself ONE goal for the entire year. Let me refresh your memory, from my January 4, 2008 post -

And as for my goals for 2008?

A) I will defeat the Ice Queen and document it for y'all's edification. If I'm up at 3am on December Thirtyfuckinfirst, I'll finish that bitch. I'll unload my Circular Needles of Terror and let her taste my wrath.

Beyond that, I don't know if I really want to set any other goals. My greatest achievements of the past year were the ones I didn't plan. So I think I'll sit back and see what learning experiences come my way if I open my mind to them.

So how am I doing on my one measly goal? I SUCK. I hadn't touched the bitch in months until I picked her up yesterday. I think I'm more than halfway done, but I don't remember what row I'm on and where to put the beads. I think I'm kinda going have to go for a stylishly haphazard sort of vibe. Stylishly haphazard sums my fashion sense up pretty well, I'd say.

And how about the learning experiences that came my way this year? Let's recap a few of my favorites. Click the links to refresh your memory, and if I've left your favorite out, please feel free to leave a comment and let me know what it was.

I had a birthday that didn't suck. (You still have 24 shopping days, by the way.)

I totally forgot about the Oscar Contest. Pam, Chris, Nell - send me your info again, please. I'm such an asshole, I'm ashamed of myself.

I went tits up at the Riverwalk, ate a deep-fried Twinkie, climbed Enchanted Rock, got totally wasted with my sister in Austin, and met an unforgettable man in Corpus who reminded me that Everybody's Carryin' Their Own Sacka Rocks.

I survived a Swamp Thing Home Invasion.

I had to call the Po-Po on a couple of 5th grade bitches.

I got out of Mother's Day at the Inlaws. Strep Throat is SO much more pleasant. By the way, I had Strep FOUR TIMES in 2008.

Helped out with Junior Achievement (Do I look like a muthahfuggin role model? To a kid lookin' up to me, life ain't nuttin but bitches and money).

Was seen in public with a dude in a skirt.

Went to Pride, and got the steal of a lifetime on Smitchwicks Ale at WalMart.

Watched in horror as my mother attempted to mount a hand dryer on the bathroom wall at Dairy Queen.

Sent my Beebie to Junior High.

Spent four hours and $400 at the dentist's office.

Proved to the world that I am a White Trash Mom, and damn proud of it.

Smoked Cubans with Rip.

And took him Pot Roast and Porn, just cuz I love the guy.

Accompanied Beebie on a date (along with Buffy and Princeton).

Blew my nose on my bedsheets. A PK Classic.

Got paid for watching a Presidential Debate, volunteered to work for the Dragon Lady (and promptly quit), and told the Church Nazi to SUCK IT.

Bought life-changing lingerie.

One word - LUBABA (Scroll down to G).

Placed at the Pevely Flea Market Halloween Costume Contest for the 3rd consecutive year.

In probably my favorite post of the year - Went to my very first Mammogram.

And took a date to my very second Mammogram.

Celebrated eleven years of wedded bliss with my best friend.

Got a DYSON!!

Continued to fight the Soccer Mom Stereotype.

AND... lost 26 pounds!!!

So, Ice Queen, sorry if I've neglected you.
I've been a little busy.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Submission For the Holidays

Here's an amusing holiday submission from Kevin for you all -

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Beware Of Doghouse

Rip sent me THIS CLIP when I told him R got me a snazzy new Dyson bagless vacuum for Christmas.

Hey, Rip - I got yer Dual Bags right here...

Friday, December 12, 2008


It's every bit as weird as you could probably imagine.
But in a good way.

Don't ask me how I know.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

What's Happening To Me???

Here's something you'll like - Tito's playing on his very first soccer team. It's indoor 3 on 3 for little kids who often forget that they're not supposed to touch the ball with their hands. It's hilarious.

Last night was Tito's first game. I was trying so hard not to look like a soccer mom. And before I continue, let me clarify that I've got nothing against soccer moms. I just don't think I am one, and I definitely don't think I blend well with the soccer moms.

Really quick, let me tell you about my favorite soccer mom of all time, Alice. She's the mom of one of my high school friends. Alice is a Texan with the stereotypical Texas twang. In addition to my friend, Alice also had a son in my younger sister's class named Russ. Russ was an incredible athlete who excelled at EVERYTHING, but was particularly awesome at soccer.

Whenever Russ would leave for a sporting event, instead of telling him to play hard, do your best, or kick the other guy in the nuts because the game doesn't start until you get a yellow Her pep talk?


Only with the twang, it sounded like BAY SWAY-T!

Good thing for Russ he was such a badass athlete who could school you in the sport of your choice any day of the week or he'd have been mocked relentlessly for that BAY SWAY-T shit.

Anywho, last night I wore this shirt,

and I brought my knitting so I'd appear preoccupied and not really interested in the action on the field of play. Who did I think I was kidding?

At one point Tito ran into some other kid, knocked him down and kept on running after the ball. I heard myself say, very quietly, "That's right, baby, no mercy. NO MERCY." R heard me too, and gave me a glare that said Can you hear yourself??

Later in the game, Tito tripped over some other kid's foot as they were both going for the ball. I yelled, "You're all right, baby... walk it off!!" and as soon as the word Off escaped my lips, I covered my mouth with both hands, to prevent any other soccer mom speak from slipping out. Y'know, since stuff so rarely slips out before I can stop it...

And then I started (very quietly) snarking with R on this little prissy pink bow-headed girl named Ava

who ran away from the ball every time it came near her. Shit, if she can't take the fuckin pressure, get her the fuck off the field before she breaks a fucking nail, for fuck's sake!!! R's jaw dropped.

Oh, my God. OH. MY. GOD.

Remember the Thriller video, when Michael Jackson starts turning into the werewolf and it shows his veins bulging and eyeballs turning yellow right before he starts howling at the moon? I swear, I could literally feel myself morphing into Soccer Mom. Instead of hair growing on the back of my hands like a werewolf, my hair pulled itself into a ponytail and through the back of a baseball cap, and my clothes turned into a matching Adidas workout suit. It was truly scary.

And you should have seen me when my baby scored a goal.

In yer FACE, Ava!!!!!

Thursday, December 04, 2008

Aren't you bitches proud of me??

Your result for The Swear Word Usage Test...

Genius Fucker

You scored 21 relevance and 21 creativity!

You are a connoiseur of bad language. Congratulations, Fuckball! Not only do you swear when appropriate (and inappropriate), you are colorful with your cocksucking concoctions. Bravo! Now go out there and continue to make the world your bitch by peppering those stuckup motherfuckers with words and phrases that make the hair on their asses curl up. And if they don't like it...well, fuck'em.

Take The Swear Word Usage Test
at HelloQuizzy

AMANDA knows I'm a bad muthahfuggah!!

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Forgot to add this yesterday -

Monday night we watched Inside The Actor's Studio. I love that show. The guest was Daniel Radcliffe. He's so cute and funny and witty and humble. I'm happy to see that he's actually quite a talented actor and not just Harry Potter.

Daniel was talking about some of his recent non-HP projects. One was called My Son Jack, which was about Rudyard Kipling's relationship with his son. I saw that one on PBS a while ago. It was the first time he'd been anything but Harry. When watching the movie, you didn't see Harry Potter at all. I was extremely impressed. But the casting of Kim Catrall as Mrs. Kipling was odd, to me, because she'll always be Samantha.

Another was December Boys. James Lipton asked Daniel if he'd seen the Rolling Stone (I think) review of it, and Daniel said he doesn't read reviews. Lipton said that Rolling Stone called it Harry Potter Gets Laid. And I immediately added it to my Netflix queue.

They showed a clip of his appearance on Extras, too, and if you haven't seen that show, you truly owe it to yourself to check it out. It's one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. So is It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia, but that's a topic for another day.

Then he talked about Equus, in which he has a now-famous Nude Scene. He talked about how intimidating it is to be nekkid in front of an audience. According to Daniel, there's a shrinkage issue. A friend of Daniel's asked him if he was afraid he'd get an erection on the stage, and he said he'd actually be thrilled if he did so he didn't look so... erm... small. And I immediately removed December Boys from my Netflix queue.

And then, the inevitable question.

Beeb: What's An Erection?

Me: Ya wanna take that one, hon?

So R told her.

Beeb: It gets hard? Gross!! That's so weird!!!

Me: Yeah, I know. Weiners are seriously weird.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Yes, I Survived.
Thanks For Asking.

But first, look what showed up in my Inbox this morning -

Contact: Adam Bitely
Phone: (202) 689-9266
November 24th, 2008
Dear Fellow Blogger,

It is my distinct pleasure, as the president of Americans for Limited Government, to invite you today to become a key member of the exciting new conservative “bloggers central,”

At ALG, we recognize the critical role you as a blogger play in gathering, assimilating, and disseminating news and commentary. And I, personally, am deeply grateful to you for taking the lead in fighting some of the most important battles our country has faced over the past decade, and more.

That's why I am so pleased to announce that is providing bloggers like you, the mainstream media, politicians, and other opinion leaders free, instant access to nearly 60,000 conservative blogs nationwide. And counting.

As a complete service bureau, NRN provides you a wide new array of blogger opportunities. As a featured blogger on NRN, you will be able to post your own blogs and interface with other like-minded bloggers nationwide. You will soon be able to “claim” your blog and customize your blog profile.

Information on NRN – blogs, as well as Twitter feeds -- will be divided by state, as well as by issue, to make it easy for you and others to access. NRN will also include a sophisticated search engine function and will soon have the capability for you to subscribe to customized email blog feeds on your topics of choice. Stay tuned, for these features will soon be online!

And all of that is just the beginning. In fact, I have asked ALG's Director of New Media, Adam Bitely, to follow up on this note with a letter of his own providing you the exciting details on how NRN can help you grow your own blog.

Above all, we want to make sure NRN is all that you, an important member of the conservative blogosphere, want it to be. So, as you visit, I urge you to please give us your input on how to make it the valuable asset we are committed to providing, at absolutely no charge.

Thank you for all that you are doing. I look forward to hearing from you.


Bill Wilson
President, Americans for Limited Government


Americans for Limited Government is a non- partisan, nationwide network committed to advancing free market reforms, private property rights and core American liberties. For more information on ALG please call us at 703-383-0880 or visit our website at

That's just hilarious. Should we tell FIL I'm an Important Member of the Conservative Blogosphere?

Sorry I've been so slow in updating. It's mainly because Thanksgiving was uneventful and I figured you'd all be disappointed. Shit, I was kinda disappointed myself. I was totally prepared to go to the mat and defend my right as an American to vote however I choose to. And an ignorant vote counts exactly the same as a well-researched vote, so I can be just as big an idiot as I want to be and base my whole opinion on the mere fact that it's the opposite of FIL's, if that's what I feel like doing.
And, fuck it all, that's what I feel like doing.

The hour-long ride out to Chez Inlaw gave me plenty of time to get myself good and fired up. R and I both agreed that it was extremely likely that either MIL or FIL (or both) would say something snarky to me about the outcome of the presidential election just to ruffle my feathers. I had R on board with the fact that if shit got ugly, I would leave and take the kids, and he could stay behind, get the obligatory earful from FIL about what a horrible wife I am and what a disgrace to the family it is that R married me, then ride home with the Aldis.

I even came up with a perfect burn - if MIL, as she usually does, asked each of us to share one thing that we're thankful for, I was going to say...

(... ready for this???)


I was so ready to drop that turd right in the middle of the mashed potatoes. But I didn't get to use it. Nobody said a single word about my Disturbingly Fervent Support of The Alleged Anti-Christ, President-Elect Obama (which was actually neither Fervent nor what I'd call Support, but whatever).

At first I couldn't believe it, because FIL, historically, has taken advantage of every single opportunity to make me feel like an idiot. But the more I thought about it, it made sense. If he said something, then I'd know that he'd been asking R about me. Maybe he thinks R hasn't mentioned it to me. Maybe he thinks I'm a loose cannon and, unlike with his own children, he doesn't know how for sure how I'll respond. He's afraid it might get ugly. And he's right; it sure the fuck would.

So yeah, it took me a little while to unclench my fists, but once I did, the afternoon was actually quite enjoyable. My Chocolate Truffle Pie was magnificent and garnered rave reviews. Oh, and with all the Buffy drama, I forgot to tell you the story about that.

It would have been funnier had I told the story in the moment, but basically, I found the recipe in a magazine, tore it out and took it to the grocery store to buy the ingredients. At least, I thought I took it to the grocery store. Turned out I didn't, and I had to go back home and get it. Then I bought the stuff, got all the way home and realized I'd left the actual recipe IN THE CART at the store, so I went all the way back, and through some miracle, I found it, but fuckeleven, what an pain in the ass.

Anyway, I snuck a couple of pics of Aldigirl for your amusement. Note the bare midriff. Either it's on purpose and totally inappropriately skanky for a ten-year-old girl, or her clothes just don't fit her and it's sad.

Forgive the quality - I was trying to be surreptitious.

Cock your head slightly to the left and tell me this isn't a Tramp Stamp just waiting to happen.

I took this picture as we were all watching The Golden Compass. You may recall the Catholic church's very public boycott of this movie when it came out. (And guess who sent me an email about it?? They did. Then they BOUGHT the movie. On BlueRay, even.)
R called MIL out on it, much to my delight. Oh, and R very politely called everyone's attention to the fact that I'd lost 26 pounds since last year. Isn't he the best?

So that was my Thanksgiving. Black Friday morning, we went out to the All You Can Eat pancake breakfast at Rise and Dine, which was awesome. Then that afternoon I went and picked up Rocker Chick from KOFA and she got to hang with me and the Apes all day while KOFA took his older daughter to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra. I kinda don't get the appeal of TSO, personally, but the two of them had a great time, and my Apes love Rocker Chick.

Cutest damn thing you ever saw.

Then that night we went to Other Kevin's for adult beverages and merriment. The evening was more Kevintensive than the afternoon, as KOFA predicted, but I have no complaints. R and Other Kevin and I hung out in the kitchen drinking heavily and arranging Dirty Magnetic Poetry on the refridgerator. Good times.

The highlight of the weekend was organizing my knitting needles so I can bust a nut on some Christmas gifts. I thought I would have to buy needles, but I found the ones I needed and I don't have to spend anything on gifts because I'll use stash yarn. And I haven't forgotten the Ice Queen, but I think she's forgotten me. Probably a good thing. Maybe she'll stop being such a bitch now.