Saturday, April 29, 2006

Saturdays SUCK. Seriously.

So I'm trying to decide if I want to join the STL Knitters Guild. The people at the Harlot event really weren't nasty to me or anything, and I feel horrible if I made it sound like they were. If you read my blog with any regularity, you've seen evidence of my Self-Esteem issues, my complete lack of confidence in my knitting ability, and my borderline Undiagnosed Social Anxiety Disorder. I always just assume I'm the biggest dork in the room until proven otherwise. It goes back to Junior High, when I usually WAS the biggest dork in the room.

But what's holding me back from joining is the fact that they meet on Saturdays, and Saturdays are just not good for me. R works all day. Saturdays suck. In fact, today I get to go hang with the Inlaws at my BIL/SIL's house. Gih.

My BIL's speaking voice is like some bizarre amalgamation of Charlie Brown's Teacher and Eeyore. And he speaks in-depth, ad nauseum, about the most insanely boring topics. Like toenail clippers. And you know how some people streeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetch the point long after it's been made, just because for some inexplicable reason they feel like they need to fill the air with their voice? I imagine it's the influence of my FIL, who NEVER shuts the hell up, but at least FIL offers some vocal inflection to break up the monotony. Oh, and they're CHEAP, and verrrrry proud of their cheapness. Here's an example: "We got 12 cases of El Cheapo Brand Diet Soda for free because it was so old they were going to throw it away! And we got this cheese for free because there was green fuzz on most of it, but if you just scrape that part off, it's totally fine!"

Ok, I'm really excited when I find a legitimate bargain, but it doesn't count when it's something I wouldn't WANT. They have tried for years to convert me to the grocery store where you pay a .25 deposit to "rent" a cart, then either bring your own bags or buy them for .10 apiece, bag your own no-name groceries and then return your cart so you can get your quarter back. Sorry, but I like the indulgence of my Name Brand Diet Coke (and yes, I can tell that your nine-year-old Diet Cheapie Cola is NOT the same), and having other people bag my stuff for me in free bags. I think that from now on, I'll refer to my BIL/SIL as Rev. and Mrs. Aldi.

So today is their daughter's First Communion, and everyone is going to their house for a Reception. It's always interesting to go to an Event at their house, since it's nearly impossible to believe that such a diverse collection of people could make a party that BORING. It's like everything happens in slowmotion once you enter the front door. And you can't just leave after an hour, because everybody's still sitting around wondering whether we should have cake first or open presents first. This debate can go on indefinitely, and this, my friends, is the party's ONLY entertainment. The guest list, however, reads like the premise for a wacky sit-com.

Mrs. Aldi's brother is THE CHEAPEST person I've ever encountered, ever. If I can get R to remind me of the details of the story I'm thinking about, I'll write about it. One thing I remember is how one year for my niece's birthday, he wrapped up a bunch of Cereal Box Prizes for her gift. I about shat. He works at the Y and takes free showers there so he doesn't have to use his own hot water. Yeah. Oh wait, I remember - he can tell you what day every bakery and grocery store in the area throw away their unsold stuff. He camps out by the dumpsters, brings his own bags (of course), and goes shopping. I swear I'm not making this up. Now, I'll freely admit that I buy a lot of my kids' clothes at garage sales, but I'm picky about what I buy. You all chimed in when I took the bamboo shades from someone's yard, but I draw the line at Dumpster Diving.

Mrs. Aldi's brother is married to a dwarf. Literally. I'm not just saying she's short, she's an actual midget/dwarf/little person who has thinning hair and no teeth. My kids are SO freaked out by her. Can't say that I blame them.

Mrs. Aldi's sister has a 12-year-old daughter who's autistic. I'm not making fun of it, I'm just saying, you never know what's going to happen, and nobody really knows how to handle her when she acts out. The uncomfortable silences are somewhat comical.

Mrs. Aldi's dad thinks he's either a Comedian or a Political Pundit somehow blessed with insight beyond human understanding. First he makes jokes about how Baby Boy Aldi is his favorite grandson, then he quite unnecessarily reminds his unfortunate audience (why??) that Baby Boy Aldi is his ONLY grandson. I've heard this joke since the Aldi Boy was born, a year and a half ago. The joke wasn't funny the first time, and it's gotten less and less funny each time since. Oh, and as for his Political Views, don't get stuck next to him at the dinner table, or you'll hear all about his Very Detailed Plan for not only solving the Deer and Geese Overpopulation Problem in our fine city, but also ending World Hunger simultaneously, "if we would just kill all the deer and the geese and send all the meat to the homeless shelters!" Wow, dude. You're a fuckin GENIUS.

I've been part of this extended family for nine years now, and I can never remember Mrs. Aldi's mother's name. It's WAY past the point where I could ask without looking like a jackass. I feel really bad about it, but it's kinda funny. Maybe we should call her Mulva. This woman is the reason why plus-sized fashion designers erroneously believe that their customers love it when they put sequins on sweatsuits. SHE's the one who's single-handedly keeping them in business by reinforcing that misconception. Blame HER.

So these are the people I get to hang with today. And I won't have my favorite Catty Friend there to entertain me. R is so catty, it's delicious. If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was one of my gay guy friends. I tried in vain to think of a legitimate reason for me NOT to lug the kids over there today, but I couldn't come up with anything that sounded plausible. We already missed my niece's birthday party because it was the same day as Nat's Fashion Show Rehearsal.

Yeah, Saturdays suck. EXCEPT when you get fun stuff in the mail.

I won (?) the Bezzilicious Muppet Purse in the Inaugural Knittyhead Fug-Off. Bezzie sent it along with some Bezzilicious Bonus Treats (granny curlers and bubble gum) for my Beebie! Lookit!

Beeb LOVES that purse. I knew she would.
In fact, when I showed it to her and told her Bezzie made it, she inspected it and said "Wow! She's really good!"
I stifled a giggle.

AND, my SP6 upstream was, in fact, Aspiring Crazy Cat Lady! She sent me an Gift Certificate, with which I bought the One Skein book I've been eyeing! She's the evil culprit who made me a Tea-drinkin' Junkie. Curses! Nah, in all seriousness, I probably would never have tried tea at all, had she not hooked me up in the beginning, and I'm truly enjoying learning more about tea and trying different kinds. That's the coolest kind of gift! I love it. So thank you, again! Yesterday, in my second visit to Teavana in three days, I bought a measuring spoon, more tea (Mate Vana), and two teacups that match my teapot! I'm tres chic.

And Cheapie SP Ivana, I'm rockin' on that dishcloth pattern, it's GREAT!! I'll post a pic when I'm done.

And I'd just like to say publicly that Pyewacket is awesome.
She knows why. ;)


Bezzie said...

Best post ever! I'm rolling around on the floor laughing nearly peeing my pants imagining the Aldi family, and then to scroll down to that picture! That ROCKS!!!!!!! I'm so glad she likes the purse (hee hee, give a year or two til she wises up!) and the curlers and gum! Too dang funny! And I just have to ask--was the Alaska shirt intentional? She's on my list of peeps fo sho!

Penny Karma said...

The shirt is the one that she put on this morning, before the mail even got here! Pure coincidence!! Isn't that hysterical?

Bezzie said...

That pic made my day!

Stacie said...

congrats on the win(?) but not the inlaws! You made me almost appreciate mine for a split second. Then I remembered the 1st Communion party of a week ago, and the feeling of impending doom returned... who are these people???

turtlegirl76 said...

Oh my. I hope you survived ok yesterday. What a hilarious sounding group though. Oh to be a fly on the wall.

I just sent the Fourteen Feet of Fug off to DO yesterday. Along with some other festive stuff. Heh. Can't wait for her to get it!

Bob said...

I'm glad there's someone else who understands S.A.D. 'Course I never know if it's Seasonal Affective Disorder, or Social Anxiety Disorder that fits the case for me. No worries, you have the charisma to overcome. Be proud in a crowd!

Elspeth said...

1. I went to a knitting group locally last week and two people discussed how I knit (_and_ they asked me to write down a pattern for them and teach them how to do it, while making fun of my knitting!)

2. My friend's husband is _really_ boring. When we used to hang out with them more, he would literlly tell us his day starting off with "Well, I woke up at 8 am ...". At least we knew we didn't have to keep up the conversation.

3. I went to the Original Pancake House in Northern Calif. recently (it is a small chain, and _expensive_). I ordered "Diet coke" like it said on the menu. They brought me "Diet Rite". I was pissed. You know, the soda all the cheap bars give you when you ask for a soda and they want to sell you a $10 drink? I could definitely tell the difference. I really wanted to rat them out to the Coke company for falsely advertising that they were selling their product.

Basically, I sympathize. (Empathize?)

JRS said...

Reading about your in-laws had me on the floor! Seriously, thank you for reminding me why I had to get out of Missouri. Not that there aren't people like that everywhere, but MO seems to have an overabundance of them...
Thanks for making my afternoon bearable. Sorry it had to be at the expense of your weekend afternoon, though!