Thursday, October 19, 2006

Poo--pourri that's not Poo-related!

Lemme start off, before I forget, by letting you know that I hold the comments that contain the Simple Green Simple Question answers in Comment Purgatory instead of posting them. If I posted everyone's correct answers, well, then it would be too easy! So if you don't see a comment you wrote, that's why.

(I hope you're still pulling for the Cards tonight, Dan!! :) )

Moving on, here is a transcript of an actual conversation between Beebie and me that took place last night in the car.

As the curtain comes up, we have just left the bank, and Beeb has a lollipop in her mouth, with her lips closed around the stick.

Beeb: Hey, Mom, look... I'm smoking.

Me: Hey, Beeb, I'm not laughing. That's SO not funny. I mean it. I better not EVER see you smoking, or I will be SO furious! Smoking is really, REALLY bad for you. I know you know that. I've talked to you about it and I know you've talked about it at school.

Still Me: Remember when I showed you that picture of a healthy lung and a lung of somebody who smoked? Do you want your lungs to look like that?? I don't even want to see you pretend-smoking. Ya hear me??

Beeb: Don't worry, Mom. I promise, I'm NEVER gonna smoke.

Me: Well, good.

Beeb: No matter how drunk I get.


Beeb and I were on our way to an event sponsored by the Symphony which my inlaws (who are huge Symphony supporters) invited us to. Here, allow me to let y'all in on a lil secret about myself that nobody knows. Y'know how some people have a lucky shirt or a lucky tie or power suit or some article of clothing that gives them a little subconcious boost of confidence? Well, here's my secret.

I have Power Panties.

Unfortunately, I lack the dexterity to take a picture of my own ass, so I hope that a description will suffice. They're red string bikini panties with pink and white lipstick prints all over that say "pucker up". I don't know what the good people at Cacique are trying to commuicate by selling women's panties with women's lipstick prints on them (not that there's anything wrong with that), but they've become my "Kiss My Lily White Dimpled Ass" panties.

And I wear them whenever I know I'm going to be dealing with Certain People. Like FIL.

Yes, it's just a little passive-aggressive mind game I play. I find it so much easier to mess with people when they're completely unaware of it. Anything I can do to give my pathetically nonconfrontational self an edge.

Covert Undergarment Warfare.

So covert, in fact, that I'm the only one who knows about it. Well, and now YOU.

I don't even want to go into the details of the evening's events too much because although I enjoyed them, they'd probably be kinda boring to most people. But the highlight of the evening for me was the part when the principal violinists, violist, cellist and bassist were performing Eine Kleine Nachtmusik and I inexplicably reminded myself of the earlier conversation I'd had with Beebie in the car, forcing a fit of the Completely Inappropriate Silent Giggles that quite nearly made me pee in my Power Panties. Somehow, I managed to contain myself, thank God.

Afterwards came the Wine and Cheese Schmoozefest. Ugh. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but FIL is the undisputed King of the Schmooze. I was introduced by my MIL (per FIL's request) to one of the performers. Now, I've never been good at being a brown-noser, so just to throw the guy off (and hopefully shock FIL in the process), instead of complimenting him on his performance or the way he makes mastery of the instrument appear so deceptively easy, I told the man that he had the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen. It's true. This man's smile was absolutely flawless. Oh, and he is also an unbelievably talented musician. Mustn't leave that out.

Last night I dreamed that I was at a party that included a frighteningly realistic reinactment of the Titanic's sinking (wouldn't that be a wicked party theme?) and both Jim Halpert from Dunder Mifflin AND Alan Shore from Crane, Poole and Schmidt were there! I made out with Jim and left the party with Alan! Ha, I'm such a slut in my dreams. And the dream-party's entertainment was Lucy Lawless and Kenny Loggins.

Oh wait, that last part really happened. On Celebrity Duets.


Dan said...

Yes, I still want the Cards. They better be able to beat up on Perez tonight. Beeb is awesome. You can not just make up stuff like that. How do you avoid just craking up during a serious conversation when a comment like that somes out.

Here may be a money making idea. Not sure if you have to spend money to start off, but Gold Canyon Candles are awesome. My wife loves them and I buy them often for her. They do have a web site.
Love the panty story. Nothing like having an inside joke or secret that lets you stru a little and keeps people wondering why??.

Amy said...

Oh, PK, you kill me. You have such a way with words and you say what we'd all like to say, except you're hysterical. I look forward to your blog daily. That and your perfect white teeth. Is that brown nosing enough?

Poops said...

Yet another reason you are NOT the world's worst mother because I retain the crown: I buy the Bug candy cigarettes. And we eat them. And pretend to smoke them. And on cold days we pretend that our breath is smoke.

Yes! The crown is MINE!

Really, I was just so surprised to find that they still made them...I should have thought the PC Police would have outlawed them years ago!

Luckily, she thinks smoking is gross. Even when she's drunk.

Penny Karma said...

I forgot to mention that this little "free" event wound up costing me $40 for a babysitter and parking.

Beeb's music teacher was there, and he sat by me. At the end of the performance, she asked if there were snacks. I said there was wine and cheese, and here's my submission for "Stellar Parent Award" -

I asked her if she brought her fake ID.

Elspeth said...

Ooh, I'd make out with Jim. Alan Shore probably not, although maybe if he were Steff in Pretty in Pink ...

Bezzie said...

Well that does it, I know I won't be able to stop writing down the stuff my own kid says.


Observando_la_vida said...

Power Panties with the kiss my butt theme! ROFL!!! But how can it be any kind of psychological warfare if the people don't know about you mocking them in that way, huh? :p

Loved the conversation with "Beeb"--especially the 'no matter how drunk I get' quip! LOL! Have you considered writing humorous plays?

That 'leaving with Alan Shore' also had me ROFL. He's quite lecherous to be sure.

Funny, funny, funny! A 10 indeed!

Cheryl said...

I have the cachique ones with the little hearts.
I wish we lived closer so we could live closer and wreak havoc on the world together!!
I once told a judge running for reelection that he was even better looking than he was on the billboard.
Bman did the same thing!!! I about killed him!!! He knows his papaw died from smoking and he NAGS his mamaw incessantly to quit.

Bob said...

Well, look at the bright least Beeb didn't say she'd become an actress, or a viola player. There'd be no hopin' for no smokin'.

And speaking of strings, besides complimenting a musician about his teeth (which is fine...we musicians crave compliments of any kind) it's always nice to point out how well he fingers his instrument.

Rima said...

LOL! That's like when my (then)7yo said "when I get my tattoo, it's going to be..." (I dont' remember what she said because I was laughing so hard at my husband's face)and then she said "Don't worry dad. I know I'm just a kid. I won't get a tattoo until I'm twelve."

And I used to have power undies too. It was a leopard print nursing bra. I need some KMA panties too, now that you mention it. Yeah!

SiressYorkie said...

I had a Lucky Bra but never power panties. I've had powerful panties that have sucked my gut clear back to my spine, but power panties. Ever.

Good on you!