Poo--pourri that's not Poo-related!

Lemme start off, before I forget, by letting you know that I hold the comments that contain the Simple Green Simple Question answers in Comment Purgatory instead of posting them. If I posted everyone's correct answers, well, then it would be too easy! So if you don't see a comment you wrote, that's why.

(I hope you're still pulling for the Cards tonight, Dan!! :) )


Moving on, here is a transcript of an actual conversation between Beebie and me that took place last night in the car.

As the curtain comes up, we have just left the bank, and Beeb has a lollipop in her mouth, with her lips closed around the stick.

Beeb: Hey, Mom, look... I'm smoking.

Me: Hey, Beeb, I'm not laughing. That's SO not funny. I mean it. I better not EVER see you smoking, or I will be SO furious! Smoking is really, REALLY bad for you. I know you know that. I've talked to you about it and I know you've talked about it at school.

Still Me: Remember when I showed you that picture of a healthy lung and a lung of somebody who smoked? Do you want your lungs to look like that?? I don't even want to see you pretend-smoking. Ya hear me??

Beeb: Don't worry, Mom. I promise, I'm NEVER gonna smoke.

Me: Well, good.

Beeb: No matter how drunk I get.


END SCENE.


Beeb and I were on our way to an event sponsored by the Symphony which my inlaws (who are huge Symphony supporters) invited us to. Here, allow me to let y'all in on a lil secret about myself that nobody knows. Y'know how some people have a lucky shirt or a lucky tie or power suit or some article of clothing that gives them a little subconcious boost of confidence? Well, here's my secret.

I have Power Panties.

Unfortunately, I lack the dexterity to take a picture of my own ass, so I hope that a description will suffice. They're red string bikini panties with pink and white lipstick prints all over that say "pucker up". I don't know what the good people at Cacique are trying to commuicate by selling women's panties with women's lipstick prints on them (not that there's anything wrong with that), but they've become my "Kiss My Lily White Dimpled Ass" panties.

And I wear them whenever I know I'm going to be dealing with Certain People. Like FIL.

Yes, it's just a little passive-aggressive mind game I play. I find it so much easier to mess with people when they're completely unaware of it. Anything I can do to give my pathetically nonconfrontational self an edge.

Covert Undergarment Warfare.

So covert, in fact, that I'm the only one who knows about it. Well, and now YOU.

I don't even want to go into the details of the evening's events too much because although I enjoyed them, they'd probably be kinda boring to most people. But the highlight of the evening for me was the part when the principal violinists, violist, cellist and bassist were performing Eine Kleine Nachtmusik and I inexplicably reminded myself of the earlier conversation I'd had with Beebie in the car, forcing a fit of the Completely Inappropriate Silent Giggles that quite nearly made me pee in my Power Panties. Somehow, I managed to contain myself, thank God.

Afterwards came the Wine and Cheese Schmoozefest. Ugh. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but FIL is the undisputed King of the Schmooze. I was introduced by my MIL (per FIL's request) to one of the performers. Now, I've never been good at being a brown-noser, so just to throw the guy off (and hopefully shock FIL in the process), instead of complimenting him on his performance or the way he makes mastery of the instrument appear so deceptively easy, I told the man that he had the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen. It's true. This man's smile was absolutely flawless. Oh, and he is also an unbelievably talented musician. Mustn't leave that out.

Last night I dreamed that I was at a party that included a frighteningly realistic reinactment of the Titanic's sinking (wouldn't that be a wicked party theme?) and both Jim Halpert from Dunder Mifflin AND Alan Shore from Crane, Poole and Schmidt were there! I made out with Jim and left the party with Alan! Ha, I'm such a slut in my dreams. And the dream-party's entertainment was Lucy Lawless and Kenny Loggins.

Oh wait, that last part really happened. On Celebrity Duets.