Apparently, people DO read my blog.

Although sometimes I have no idea why.


A note to Michael -

I've noticed your comments on my blog and I have NO clue what you're talking about with my post about my dead goldfish being a "veiled threat". Today I was just talking about my daughter's best friend who died, and I thought what you wrote to me was really strange and even offensive. I quote your comment (which I promptly deleted) -

Are you familiar with a concept called "transgression"? An example of transgression is when you cross a line from the legal into the illegal. You have already crossed some many lines, but I would hope that you are not as stupid as ruining your life over a stupid fool like me. Since there seem to be some interesting moves being made by some of your crew, I could easily interpret this as a death threat, which, at this point, there is enough evidence on my blog for people to figure out who may be responsible for any physical crimes to myself, my family, or my car. Since my piece of shit car has already had its tires vandalized, I am not very open to references to possible physical harm to my person.

Penny, what should I do in a situation like this? Should I call the police and tell them that I have reasons to believe that my old friends want to do me in for uncovering various lies? You tell me, since you are so fucking eloquent.


Seriously, I have NO idea what you're talking about. The first time I heard of your blog was when I saw that you had posted a link to mine (Saturday, January 21). I have no idea why or how you even got to my blog. There's nothing on it that's particularly private, I just can't imagine why you'd even be interested in it. I knit, dude. And I write about the stupid stuff that happens to me.

I read the comments on your blog after you put up the link to beholdmybrilliance.blogspot.com, and it seems that there is some sort of mistaken identity thing going on. I have no idea who you are. I don't go to Shimer College. I've never even heard of Shimer College. I've never met you, I have no interest in messing with you, your property, your blog, anything. I'm not out to get you, I don't even know you. I don't have a "crew". I have a husband and three kids. I'm a stay-home mom from Missouri. I don't have time to stalk you. Sorry to disappoint you.

I await your apology. I hope it comes with the same enthusiasm with which you've unfairly berated me.

A Conversation Between R and The Pie.

Cuz I'm sorry for making you all sad with the Jack story.


Last night, R told me about a conversation he had with Ryan:

"Hey Dad. I think I'm gonna give my wiener a name. I think I'll name him MISTAH WEENAH. Ok, Dad?"

"Um... ok, buddy..."

"Make sure you tell Mom."

We miss you, Jackaroo

Click here for Jack's obituary.

So here's a little bit about Jack. Nat and I met Jack at the Bus Stop on the first day of Second Grade. We had just moved to a new house and Nat was going to a new school. Jack, we discovered, would be in her class. He lived just down the street from us, and as we got to know him, we saw how much they had in common.

Some kids play House, Nat and Jack played Magazine Editors. Stuff like that.

Their personalities, interests and strengths were similar enough to cement their friendship, and yet different enough that they were always learning from each other. I think Nat was a little jealous of how well Jack did in school, and how all the teachers adored him. And I think Jack longed to be as outgoing as Natalie is. He was reserved, but not shy. Sensitive, loyal, and always thinking on a whole different level. Even at age 8, you could see how much he loved to learn and how eager he was to find out the answers to every question in the universe. The kid got a Rolodex for his birthday, for cryin out loud. He totally had it in him to change the world, I really believe that. I even told his mom that I wanted to work for Jack someday.

Last year at about this time, he moved to another town not far away. He finished the school year at Nat's school, and would start at a new school in the fall. Jack's mom and I reassured the kids that they'd still have play dates and still see each other even if they were at different schools, so even though we were saying goodbye, it didn't really feel like goodbye.

We didn't find out until later that Jack was born with a heart defect and had a pacemaker put in when he was in Kindergarten. We knew he had heart surgery planned for the beginning of summer vacation, so when we were planning for Nat's birthday party in July we chose a party theme that Jack would be able to attend if he was still recovering (not a pool party or a gymnastics party). He went into the hospital and had one surgery that went well, then he came home to recover, and went back into the hospital a few days later when his heart stopped.

Nat wanted to go see him in the hospital, and I wasn't sure it was a good idea, so I said we'd see him when he got home. And now, I live with the guilt that we didn't go see him in the hospital when we could have. The last time we saw him was the last day of second grade last year. He was telling us about his upcoming surgery, and I said, "Oh, you'll be fine, and when you get home I'll teach you how to knit." He had asked me several times if I'd teach him to knit and this time I said "Yes, Jack, I promise I'll teach you to knit." I hate that I never taught him. And the last thing I said to him, as we were saying goodbye just for the summer, was "Jack, you are such an awesome guy. I don't know what we'd do without you. What would we do without our Jack?" Can you even believe I said that?

Anyway, I got the awful phone call from Jack's uncle 2 weeks before Nat's birthday. He hadn't survived the surgery. Telling Nat was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I told her that if she didn't want to go to the funeral, she didn't have to. But she did. She went to the visitation, funeral and was right up front at the cemetery. It was so sweet - Jack's relatives kept coming up to her and saying "Oh, you must be the famous Natalie! Jack talked about you all the time!" That really made her feel special.

The visitation was really difficult, as he lay there in his little argyle vest, the outfit he's wearing in the only picture I have of Nat and Jack together. His school picture, his artwork, his Neopets that he and Nat played all the time, the maps he made of just about every single country in the world, even his highlighted hymnal were all displayed. I don't think I've ever cried so hard in my whole life. Until I walked into the church for the funeral and saw all the little Boy Scouts sitting together in their uniforms. That is a heartbreaking image I'll never forget.

Anyway, I don't want to make everybody sad or anything, this is just what's been on my mind the last few days as Jack's birthday approached. Here's the note I sent to Jack's family after his passing:

I knew I wouldn’t find a card with enough room to write everything I wanted to say about our beloved Jack. We are so devastated at the loss of our dear friend. Natalie had never had a real “best friend” before Jack, and she couldn’t have chosen a better one. Jack embodied what a true and loyal friend should be. Despite their occasional differences of opinion, they always seemed to work things out in the most remarkably mature way, always respectful and sensitive to the other’s feelings.

What stands out in my memory especially is a time when I picked Natalie up after a weekly play date. Jack wouldn’t say goodbye to Natalie because they’d both hurt each other’s feelings that day. As moms, Lana and I knew without a doubt that they’d work it out as they always had. On the way home Natalie sobbed as she told me her version of the events, which led to one of those all-important teaching moments. She and I talked about how who was right and who was wrong wasn’t really important when she thought about how sad they would both be if they weren’t friends anymore. She decided to call and apologize as soon as we got home (even asked me to drive a little faster), and when we got in, a tearful, apologetic message from Jack was waiting for her on the answering machine. That message made Natalie feel so valued as a friend. Compromise, character, and forgiveness are concepts that even adults struggle to understand, and those two had all but mastered it in second grade. I will always be totally amazed and humbled by that.

She learned from him, and I can honestly say that I learned from him, too. He seemed to understand her implicitly and his creativity encouraged hers the way iron sharpens iron. Jack and Natalie were like kindred souls, what a rare and beautiful thing. Natalie will forever be able to recognize the qualities of a real friend because of Jack. His example of friendship was such an extraordinary gift to her, to us and to all of his friends. We feel indescribably blessed to have had Jack in our lives for even a short time. We thought of Jack as part of our family; we loved him as one of our own.

Natalie and I have been coping by sharing our Jack memories together, and while our hearts are still sad, every one of our memories of Jack is a happy one. Natalie has been able to find comfort in knowing that Jack knew just how much she loved him, and she knows that he loved her too. Trying to make sense of things, she told me that maybe her guardian angel needed a little help and God must have thought Jack would be perfect for the job. I had to smile at that, and I imagine that there is some project up in Heaven that Jack is in charge of right now. To say that he will be missed doesn’t come close to conveying the heartbreak that we feel in his passing. We know we’ll always see things that make us think of Jack, and we’ll smile through our tears every time we remember him. Thank you for sharing your son with us and with so many others. He truly and profoundly touched our hearts. What a sweet, precious little boy.



And this is what I sent to his mom as I was thinking about his birthday.

Hi Lana -

I wanted to let you know that we are thinking of you today. A couple of weeks ago, Natalie was helping me pack for our Spring Break trip to see my parents, and we were reminded of the day we left for Spring Break last year. I came to Westridge to pick Natalie up at lunchtime and she wanted to say goodbye to Jack before we left. Jack was in the cafeteria line with his back to us. I called his name and tapped him on the shoulder but he wouldn't turn around. He'd been crying and he didn't want us to see. I hugged him and promised him that Natalie would call him when we got to Texas that night. Nat and I remembered Jack's voicemail messages where he told us all about his surgery and how happy it made Nat to hear from him while we were away.

While we were packing, I got out my Super Gigantic Purse, the one I always take on trips since it's roughly the size of a Volkswagen. I hadn't unpacked it since the last trip, and inside it I found the little New Address card you sent out when you moved to Wildwood. I had put it in my purse so we could send Jack and Lily postcards from San Antonio. Inside the card was a little note from Jack that said, "Dear Natalie, thank you for being my friend and always caring about me." I also found a postcard Nat had written to Jack that we couldn't send because she had written over the place where you're supposed to write the address. She told him she missed him and that it was really warm in Texas. I showed both the note and the postcard to her, and of course we both cried and cried. But in a strange way, I was so comforted by it. It felt like he knew we'd been thinking about him.

We think about him all the time. Something always reminds Natalie of Jack. He still motivates her to do her best. When she does a good job on a spelling test or uses her neatest handwriting, she says, "Jack would be proud of me!" and I know he would. I think about you all every morning when I look out the kitchen window and see the house where you used to live. And I pray for you every day.

I know tomorrow is Jack's birthday and I just wanted to tell you that we'll be thinking of Jack and of you. We were thinking of planting some flowers in the backyard to remember him. We miss him so, so much.

Love,
Sarah


And she wrote me back.

Thank you so much. I know you are thinking about Jack a lot. He will always be Natalie's guardian angel I think, all the way through her life. We had a special day for him at my Mom's house yesterday. We looked at all the photos and watched a video Westridge had made about the mural on the front of the school. Both Jack and Natalie were interviewed for it. It hurt to watch, but it made me happy too.

What a loving boy he was. How fond of Natalie! I have attached a note I found that he made for her last spring (I think it was during spring break). I hope it will bring a smile to your faces.

It did.

Updates Aplenty Amidst Stream-of-Conciousness Ramblings

- I'b still sick. I've been drinking tea like crazy.
- New favorite flavor of Adagio Tea, Rooibos Mango.
- Haven't heard from Maddie, Ellen, Terry or Ed. My money's still on Ellen.
- Movies on top of the DVD playah waiting for me to watch them include Capote, A History of Violence, Waiting, Good Night and Good Luck, and Bubble. I'll give each my famous "Three Words or Less" Review as I watch them.
- Two nights ago I watched, with nostalgic exuberance, The Best of the Electric Company DVD. Beebie enjoyed it with me.
- At the top of my Blockbuster Online Queue is Six Feet Under Season 5. It's supposed to come out today but for some reason they shipped my #2 movie The Squid and The Whale instead.
- Tonight is Top Model and The Amazing Race. Recently, I haven't been as committed to my reality shows as I have in seasons past. The Tournament always messes with my Survivor watching.
- Did you catch that George Mason/U Conn game? Wouldn't it be great to see George Mason win the whole thing? I love underdogs. A #11 seed, an at-large selection (meaning that they did not win a conference tournament to earn a trip to the NCAA tournament) in the Final Four is really something.
- It's noon and my boys are still in their jammies because I can't bend over to get their clothes out of the dresser. I have a Headache from Hell.
- Mr P got invited to a Star Wars-themed birthday party for one of his friends. Should be good. It's on Saturday, and Nat has an all-day rehearsal for her Fashion Show thing, so there's gonna be a whole lot of running around that day. I hate that R works on Saturdays. But then again, it's nice to have a day off during the week.
- Moments ago, as I was sitting here typing this, Teeny T came into the room, naked from the waist down, and said "Mommy... big poop. I sorry." I'm afraid of what I'll find if I get out of this chair. So I think I'll keep typing for a minute.
- Tomorrow is the birthday of Nat's best friend Jack, who died last summer. He would be 9. It's going to be a really hard day. I sent his mom an email today. I never know what's okay to say to someone who's grieving and what's not. I'm the sort that tries to make people laugh when they're sad, and that's obviously not always appropriate. I guess I just figure that heartfelt words are the way to go. I think I'll post about Jack tomorrow if I get a chance. Not to bring everybody down or anything. Since I'm usually such a ray of effin sunshine...
- I'm back to my lack of sleep dilemma, where I decide if it's preferable to stumble through the day in a fog caused by insomnia or one caused by Ambien. It's a tough call. They both suck.
- God, my head hurts.
- I need to renew our lease. Every year I say "next year, our own house..." It's been ten years now that I've been saying that.
- For some reason I've had the song "Do They Know It's Christmas" in my head all day. Maybe that's why it hurts so bad. It's protesting.
- I got totally screwed on a swap with a fellow Knittyboarder. At least all I'm out is two skeins of Bernat Camo. If the sucky swapper is reading this, I'm not going to out you publicly, but you know who you are. Honesty would have been nice, even if it was "Hey, I'm not going to be able to deliver on that trade and I'm really sorry..." but you've been yanking me around for two months now. And by the way, that camo yarn isn't gonna turn into anything cute no matter what you do with it, cuz it's Full-on Fugly to begin with. The fact that you're stuck with it now is punishment enough in my book.
- Speaking of vengeance, I've come up with a Most Crafty Plot to jack with some people I hate. Details withheld pending the final fine-tuning before I launch this gem into action.
- If you're in the Katy, TX area, you should go to the Grand Opening of Yarntopia! I wish I could go!
- God, my head hurts.
- I'm craving pizza. Sunday we went to Cici's and got the Macaroni and Cheese Pizza. It was AWESOME. If I thought I could drive I'd go get one.
- On the needles is some original, flyin by the seat of my pants creation that I'm making up as I go along. I'm using some yarn that I got in my package from The Donald, which I still haven't taken a picture of. I'm still looking for a pattern to use for the Sari Silk that my other SP sent. I need to take a pic, I know.
- I still love the Booga Bag I made. Oh, and I made another one while I was in Texas but I'm not sure I like it. I messed up on the handles and it's really sheddy. Not shitty, sheddy. It's wool, and it sheds like a cat.
- I just found on the floor my Neil Diamond 12 Greatest Hits CD, scratched deeply and therefore unplayable. Dammit. My kids are just brutal to anything that comes on a disc. CD, CD ROM, DVD, they're all laying on the floor just waiting to be destroyed.

Guess I better go investigate the Big Poopy Situation. I think I'll pop an Advil or three on the way...

Ick. I'm sick.

I hab a weddy dasty code.

And... we're back!

How does one GAIN weight at Fat Camp? Contraband gelatto.

All in all, a great trip to see the folks. We did a LOT. Dad and I took the kids to see Curious George (or as I like to call him, Jorge el Curioso). Here's my review in three words or less: "Mmmmmm...naptime."

We went to visit my aunt and uncle (Amylovie's parents), where Ryan went toe-to-toe with my cousin Allen on Star Wars trivia. We went to Austin and saw the Bat Bridge and flew kites and rode the train in Zilker Park and I stepped in Fire Ants. I should mention that on the way to Austin, Tito barfed in the rental van. Delightful.




My mom and dad were super-cool and kept the kids a lot for us so R and I could do stuff together, it was really great. R and I went to a Spurs game and afterwards we got lost on the way to the most fantastic gelatto place. And we even went to Fredricksburg and made a pilgrimage to Stonehill Spinners. Cute little rustic building, but not the selection that Yarn Barn had. I did get some locally-spun stuff though, just for fun. You know, cuz I didn't have enough yarn yet.




Oh, and R DID freak out a teeny bit about my Yarn Barn spree. Oh well. He's at Best Buy right now buying the new Godfather Xbox game. So I think we're pretty much even now, as far as self-indulgent splurges.

And we also stopped in Luckenbach, Texas - population: 2. What a hoot. Here's me at the Luckenbach Post Office, which is closed on Wednesdays, in case you were planning a trip there.



Other amusing highlights from the trip include:

- Earl Abel's Fried Chicken (sensational!)
- Finding an Esquivel CD at Half Price Books
- Lunch at The Salt Lick
- Hiking to the top of the AT&T center to find our seats at the Spurs game
- Discovering "Burst Mode" on our new camera
- Ryan's bathtime announcement that went something like this: "Hey, Mom! I know girls don't have wieners, but if you were a boy, then you'd have a wiener - and you could stretch it like THIS!!!! (gleefully tugging on his scrotage)" Charming.

Then, when I got home I had two packages waiting for me! One from my Knitty SP6 pal and the other from The Donald, who is apparently acquainted with my Cheapass Secret Pal. Such fun stuff! I need to clear out my camera and post some pics of all this stuff. I also need to gather my stash for Flash Your Stash Day, April 1. I don't even know what I have in my Great Plastic Bin O' Yarn anymore.

It's good to be home! Kinda.

Nah, not really.

We made it!

With minimal drama!

The kids did great on the plane, nobody threw up or screamed or anything. I was so proud of them. Thus far everything has gone well. Today we're driving out to Right Between San Antonio and Houston and I'm gonna hang with the Amylovie's fam. Amylovie herself is currently drowning in yarn. Not a bad way to go.

Yesterday I got to go to two of my favorite places. First, I went to HEB. I absolutely love HEB. I can't get over how much cheaper food is here. My dad gave me $60 to buy the kids food that they'd eat (my parents' house is like being at Fat Camp, with Sugar-Free Bread and low-carb cereal... ugh) and I spent $59.34.

Then later, I went back to Yarn Barn for the second time in two days. They were having only the 3rd sale they've ever had in 35 years. So I went a little nutso. And when I say a little nutso, I mean I spent more than I did on groceries. I'm feeling a little guilty because I bought yarn with the same amount of money that would feed my kids for a week. But I'm on VACATION. Screw it.

It was 25% off of EVERYTHING!!! EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They had NORO! What was I supposed to do?

I'm totally gonna be like a bum, with Noro and Addi's sticking out of a brown paper bag, knitting while stumbling down the sidewalk and begging for change. And people will walk past me whispering "Don't give her any money, she's just gonna buy more yarn..."

Boogalicious!!!

As someone who thinks of a pattern as a guideline rather than an edict, I think this came out quite well despite the fact that once I started knitting in the round I kinda lost track of the number of rows and the correct ending point in the circle.

This was made with Noro Kureyon #150, by the way. It came out prettier than I expected!

My name is Sarah... and I'm a Boogaholic.

Booga is felting as we speak. I hope it's done soon so I can put the straps on it tomorrow and take it to show my mom. She'll be impressed. She likes fun fur scarves, so it doesn't take a great deal of knitting prowess to wow her. I still can't believe I FINISHED something! That's so unlike me! I think now I'm down to only two UFO's. I'm so proud of myself. I can't wait to make another Booga!

Oh, and here's a proud Self Portrait Tuesday moment for my Inner Bargain Shopper -

Ok, you can't really see it, but I'm holding up the price tag for the sweater I'm wearing, which you also can't really see.



This sweater was originally $217 (the bogus "compare at" retail price TJ Maxx lists on their price tags). TJ Maxx started out by asking $129.99 for it. Sorry, but when I go into TJ Maxx, it's because I DON'T have $130 to spend on one stinkin sweater. But I digress... I peeled off the Clearance price stickers one at a time. The first markdown brought it down to $90. Whatever. Then $70. Keep going, TJ. Then $25. Almost there... and finally, I snatched it for $5! YAY!! The label says DELCANTO, made in Italy, 100% Merino Wool. I have no idea how much it would have retailed for, I can't imagine it would be $217, but who knows? I found a website that shows other items in the Delcanto collection. Click here. Doesn't list any prices, though.

Also at TJ Maxx, I got a cool fair isle cardigan by Ralph Lauren for $11 and an authentic Irish Import 100% wool cabled cardigan (like the ones they sell at The Shannon Shop) which is absolutely kickass! I got three sweaters for $26!

I RULE.

Sometimes I post twice a day...

... usually when there's a lot of other things I should be doing.

I'd like to take a poll. Whom do you think will contact me first:

A. Maddie (see this post)
B. Ellen DeGeneres
C. Terry Bradshaw
D. The Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol

Vote Early! Vote Often! God Bless America!!

Monday Monday

Glenn's on vacation all week. The nerve! This morning I woke up to this guy:



I got nuthin against Chris Higgins as a person, but he's just not The Z-Man.


I guess most people probably don't have the intensified level of Local Meteorologist Loyalty that I carry for my BLM.

In a parallel universe, I might possibly even go so far as to call my BLM a MILF (M = Meteorologist, in this case), but nah, I won't. That would be tacky. And I'm all about class, people. Right?

'Scuse me while I scratch my butt...

Getting me through this Z-Free week is the 6 boxes of Girl Scout Cookies we got yesterday. I think we've eaten 3 boxes already.

On the needles - I'm almost done with Booga. It's going so quickly, I'm excited! I wish I'd gotten a different color of the Kureyon, the one I have is kinda gray and green and I hope it doesn't felt into a funky depressing color. But now that I know I can handle this pattern I'm sure I'll do it again.

I've just got a few more details to iron out before we go on our trip. The kids are soooooooo excited!

Ah have sayn the laaht! Prayzuh Jayzisuh!

Ok, since I'm on this yarn diet (day 11, if you're playing along at home) I've really been jonesin for the coziness of the LYS. I thought that I could go in and just absorb the atmosphere and leave without buying anything, which is really what usually happens, and then I'll go to Hobby Lobby and buy the cheap stuff.

And because I've been trying to be good and use up the yarn in the ol' stash, I've been looking online for some patterns to inspire me, and as I mentioned a few days ago, I found the Booga bag. It called for a 10.5 circ in either 16" or 24" length.

Long story short, I went for the Addi Turbo. And all I can say is...

YES! YES!! I BELIEVE!!!

Seriously, I flew through this pattern, started it yesterday and worked through a whole skein of Noro Kureyon in about 2 hours, which, for me, is like double-greased lightning. Worth every cent, my friends.

Bradshaw Blitz, Day Two

So I had this idea to go to the Daytime Talk Shows and see if any of them are doing any little special segments that might be appropriate avenues for me to pursue my Dream Date with TB. Today, I emailed the following to the Ellen DeGeneres show.

"I want to go an a Dream Date with Terry Bradshaw. Why would a married mother of three from Missouri want to spend time with a Hall of Fame Quarterback? Terry is one of the funniest people in existence anywhere. Obviously, the accomplishments of his legendary career are extrordinary (and yes, I do understand football and enjoy watching it), but I really admire him for two other reasons. First, and particularly dear to my heart, are his efforts to de-stigmatize the use of medication to treat depression, particularly for men. It meant a lot to me personally to see this big, tough, strong man admit that he also takes anti-depressants. I'm kinda one of those cryin-on-the-inside clowns myself. That's what I dig about TB more than anything.

Additionally, the man bares his pasty ass in Failure to Launch! Forgive the play on words, but that's really ballsy!

I would really love to go to dinner and maybe see a movie (maybe even Failure to Launch, so he could see his own nekkid butt, wouldn't that be funny?) or something goofy like that with Terry Bradshaw. Yes, my husband is fully aware of my fondness for Terry, (and so are my blog readers at http://beholdmybrilliance.blogspot.com) and hubby's cool with my wanting to do this. That's probably because he doesn't think it will ever happen. And nothing gives me more sheer joy than proving hubbypoo wrong.

Now, I don't want to marry Terry or anything (his track record, hel-LO!), I just wanna hang out with him. I bet he's an absolute hoot.

Anyway, I know that something like this My Crazy Dreams thing is the only way I'd really get to meet the man, so I thought I'd give it a try."

Oh, it's gonna happen, y'all. Stay tuned.

But before I go... tell me why THIS picture is funny.

Tee hee!

Ok, ya know how us incognitoCatholics are supposed to not eat meat on Fridays in Lent (BTW, I really don't understand the Biblical basis for that), and then if St. Pat's happens to fall on a Friday the Archbishop gives Special Dispensation so we can all eat the traditional Corned Beef and Cabbage? We have this Archbishop that's reeeeeeeeeeeally conservative and he's pissed a lot of people off around here. So R and I had a discussion yesterday.

I think it's completely silly that the Archbishop has to give special dispensation every 7 years for St. Pat's meat-eating. Why doesn't he just decree it that, going forward, should St. Pat's fall on a Friday, it's ok to eat the Corned Beef without fear of Purgatorial Consequences. It's even sillier that this Special Dispensation gets Headline Media coverage, but it does. So I said that since it's bascially a Clergical formality, we'll soon see on the news that Dispensation has been granted.

R said that this archibishop is enough of an ass that he will not grant it, and everyone who eats Corned Beef will be banished to a special section of Hell where everyone must wear Gauchos made of FunFur. Ok, I made that last part up. Now I agree that the Archbishop's an ass, but I was so sure that I was right on this, I made a bet with R. If I won, I got to polish R's toenails.

And last night, it made the news. I was right. I'm gonna pick out the sickest, girliest, Barbiest, pukey hot pink I can find. I'll post a photo. Muhuhahahahaha.

And also in the news, this bonehead I used to work for. Doesn't he just look like a genius financial wizard bidnissman? Yeah. Nice to see that he's being punished for blowing mine and six other people's yearly salaries in one night of drunken debauchery on the company dime.



Here's a little something my Secret Pal Ivana sent me, it seems appropriate for Rob McCormick.

http://beagleweb.com/personal/Frantics-Tae-Kwon-Leep-64k.mp3

Give the link a minute to warm up, it's worth it.

I feel like Felting.

I am in serious need of a row counter.

I want to make The Booga Bag.

And I have the yarn to do it, so I don't have to buy any.

Maybe the planets will align, the laundry and dishes will wash themselves and the boys will take naps this afternoon.

And perhaps primates will spontaneously expell themselves from my rectum. Monkeys might fly outta my butt, for the Undercaffeinated.

But maybe MW's word of the day is a sign of good things to come. Click on Vanilla Ice in my sidebar. Today's word, kids, is KITSCH. One of my favorites.

The Word of the Day for March 9 is:

kitsch • \KITCH\ • noun
*1 : something that appeals to popular or lowbrow taste and is often of poor quality
2 : a tacky or lowbrow quality or condition

Example sentence:
On the route up the mountain, there is plenty of kitsch (from teepees to giant dinosaur replicas) to entice campers to visit the roadside shops.

Did you know?
"The fashionable clothing label . . . kicked off the revival last June . . . , putting its models in [Carmen] Miranda-inspired swimsuits and marching them through a gantlet of 50 tons of bananas," writes Mac Margolis in Newsweek International (January 2006) of a fabulously kitschy gala commemoration for the late Brazilian singer and actress Carmen Miranda. Since we borrowed "kitsch" from German in the 1920s, it has been our word for things in the realm of popular culture that dangle, like car mirror dice, precariously close to tackiness. But although things that can be described with "kitsch" and the related adjective "kitschy" are clearly not fine art, they may appeal to certain tastes—some folks delight in velvet paintings, plastic flamingos, dashboard hula dancers, and Carmen Miranda revivals!

*Indicates the sense illustrated in the example sentence.


I personally enjoy the Kitsch Factor of Esquivel and Lounge Music.


And I don't know why all the stuff in my sidebar is suddenly italicized. If you know how to fix it, please enlighten me.

CALLIN' A BLITZ!

I have begun my all-out blitz on Terry Bradshaw! Yesterday I emailed the NFL on FOX to pitch my Dream Date idea to whatever random toadie pissant reads the emails. I'll give them a week or two to respond, then I'm gonna start my massive Letter-Writing Snail Mail Offense detailing Why I Love Me Some TB. And then I'll re-assess the situation after that, to determine my next tactical move.

I am SO gonna score. (Insert Beavis laugh)

Wanna join the team? Help me out. Click HERE and then click TV, NFL on FOX, comments about announcers. Refer to this blog and we'll see what happens.

Ryanisms, Episode IV

Buncha stuff going on today.

Ry said sumthin funny.

He called me into the bathroom to wipe him, and as soon as I entered, he said,


"Diarrhea is not good."


Classic.

*** Oh my gourd, I totally just realized I should have said "DUUUUH!!" in response to him! Dammit! That would have been brilliant! Ah, well.


In other news, my Beebie is gonna be a model! Well, kinda. She's going to appear in the American Girls Fashion Show as Kit, one of the Historical Character Dolls! We stood in line in vain for hours at two different casting calls (which each chose 30 names at random to be the models), and then we sent in this photo and they said Yes, come be Kit! What a lesson in perserverance!

Here's Beeb in her Kit jammies.




And here's a pic from the catalog with Kit, the doll she's gonna be dressed like. (The little girl in the pic below isn't Beeb.)




And one week from today, we will be at my parents' house. It should be interesting. It always is. Anyone with kids knows that a vacation with the kids is anything but a vacation. But I think we've got some fun stuff planned, and the kids are getting older and able to do more. We're supposed to spend some time in Austin to see my sister and her hubbypoo. Last time she had left her stash (and I'm NOT referring to yarn here, if ya know what I'm sayin) out on top of her entertainment center when the kids and my parents and I were there. Lovely.

And speaking of unhealthy addictions (although I don't think buying yarn kills brain cells, or does it?), I'm on day 9 of my yarn diet. I'm hanging in there. It's getting easier, actually. R doesn't think I can do it. And nuthin motivates me to do something more than knowing somebody doesn't think I can do it.

I'm sorry, but I'm pissed.

Ever have this happen, someone you used to talk to every day just suddenly doesn't talk to you anymore? A friend of mine (let's call her Maddie) hadn't spoken ten words to me since Christmas, and I had no idea why. I didn't think I'd done anything to upset her. I knew I didn't do anything on purpose, and she's really the sort that I'd have thought would at least call me up and give me an earful if I pissed her off.

But I never got that from her.

Maybe it's nothing, I thought. She's probably just really busy with school and work and everything. It's nothing personal.

But apparently, I was SUPPOSED to take her not speaking to me personally.

I tried at least 4 times to reach out to her, both via phone and email. I even had R call and tell her that I missed talking to her and asking if I'd done something to upset her. She was short and abrupt in the times she did reply, and, as I said, had not initiated contact with me at all since before Christmas.

I had no idea what's going on and I was really sad. And worried. This wasn't like her.

The only thing I could think of was that my sister's guests booked rooms at the hotel chain that my friend works for (she got everyone a pretty decent deal on the rooms, which at the time she said she was happy to do)and maybe somebody bitched about something and it somehow got back to her, but nobody in my family did anything like that. The last time I talked to her was around the time of my sister's wedding.

** Just to give you an idea, HERE's a brief overview of what I was going through at that time. I had TONS of family coming in, a Flower Girl's dress to locate, decorations, drama drama DRAMA - plus my kids were out of school so all the work I did had to be around their schedule.

A few weeks before the wedding, my sister's FIL actually emailed Maddie's boss (TOTALLY went over her head) to complain that some of their guests had the room rate misquoted to them, which wouldn't have been Maddie's fault anyway, but she emailed me like "WTF is up with that dude?!!?" She was understandably really pissed that he did that - and my family was horrified, but she knew it wasn't my fault since I don't even really know the guy at all, and so I said something to my sister about it, and my sister apologized to me, and I apologized to Maddie, and everything calmed down. See, she'd totally call me if she was pissed, I still think she would.

I didn't think anything bad was going on in her relationship, but I really didn't know and that's what was bothering me more than anything. She and I used to work together and we're the only ones that either of us keeps in touch with from our old job, so we kinda have mutual friends but I couldn't imagine that she would be talking to any of them and not me. I'm positive I didn't do anything snarky like talk shit about her behind her back and then have something I said got back to her, nuthin like that. I really don't know.

At one point, I even wondered if it would it be really bad form if I were to call her boyfriend where he works and just ask if she's ok. I know him, so it wouldn't be out of the blue like I was a stranger. Of course, if something bad is going on at home, I don't want to fuel anything. But the not-knowing part was bummin me out.

So, yesterday I emailed her, asking "Hey, you're going to be done with Massage Therapy school pretty soon, aren't you? Are you excited? When do you graduate?" And her reply was -

"3 weeks."

Ok, I'm a conversationalist (could ya guess?), and so is she, and that's why we got along so well. That reply was really, really out of character.

This is the email I sent her next.

"I'm sad and I miss you. It kinda bums me out that I don't hear from you anymore. If I did something or said something that upset you, you'd tell me, wouldn't you? Cuz if I did, I am totally unaware of what it might have been. If you're really busy, that's cool and I don't want to bug you, I just wanted to make sure you weren't angry."

So here's what she said -

"I know you were really stressed out about the wedding but it really hurt my feelings the way the you and your mom spoke to me. "

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

This happened in DECEMBER. I've tried to talk to her since then, and R did too, and she and I have actually spoken maybe two sentences to each other, but this is the FIRST time she's said ANYTHING as to why she's been avoiding me for the last three months.

I was STUNNED.

So here's what I sent back.

"My mom said she was going to send a note saying how helpful you were. That whole wedding experience was a blur of activity to me, and I don't even remember what I said but I'm sorry. Clearly it affected you enough to stop talking to me. Thanks for letting me know."

I don't think I'll hear from her again.

I mean, Good God, we've been friends a LONG time. And if you recall, the week before and week after my sister's wedding (see my Blog entry for January 3rd) was PURE HELL for me. I'm sure I must have talked to her, but I honestly don't remember what I said. I can't imagine saying something that made her stop talking to me for 3 months, but I must have.

The kicker, to me, is that I HAVE tried to reach out and be pleasant since then, obviously not knowing anything was wrong. Now I'm just pissed. She never said a word. How was I supposed to know I did anything?? Thanks for the benefit of the doubt, under the circumstances. She was perfectly willing to trash our friendship and never talk to me again. And yet, I kept on trying. She never told me to stop calling her. So again, how would I know it was something I did?

I don't know if she reads this or not, but here's what I'd like to say to her right now -

For the last 3 months, I've been giving you the benefit of the doubt. It was actually hurting my feelings that you weren't talking to me. I didn't know why you weren't talking to me, but I assumed it wasn't intentional, and I made the conscious effort to not take it personally because I just figured that something was going on and that you probably weren't even aware that you were hurting my feelings. You're a busy person, I'm a busy person, I really didn't think anything of it, because in my mind, you had no reason to be angry with me. I had no idea I'd done anything to deserve the cold shoulder, so I never interpreted your not talking to me as being a result of something I did. I just figured you had school and work and your boyfriend and everything. Yeah, I was sad and I missed you, but I couldn't imagine that you'd be trying to hurt me on purpose. I had already forgiven you.

This is why I can't understand why you wouldn't have extended me the same courtesy during an extremely stressful time in my life, and think "oh, I know Sarah wouldn't hurt my feelings on purpose, she's just stressed..." and either let it go, or SAY something. I have tried to contact you several times in the last three months. You could have confronted me any of these times. It had to be obvious to you that I didn't know I did something to upset you. I would have at least appreciated the opportunity to apologize to you before now. In my own defense, I did apologize THE SECOND I knew I'd pissed you off. It's NOT my fault that it was three months afterwards. The silent treatment is just not the way to let me know something's bothering you. Especially if you want me to know that I did something that upset you, and I obviously am unaware of it.

If you're mad now because it took me so long to catch onto the fact that something actually WAS bothering you, and that you WEREN'T just really busy, or in a horrible situation you couldn't tell me about, or somehow isolating yourself intentionally, that's because I was alternating between thinking "oh, I'm sure she doesn't mean anything by not talking to me" and "God, I hope she's not in an abusive situation or something". I'm sorry if you thought I was just playing it off and minimizing your feelings by pretending like nothing was wrong.

But I WASN'T pretending. I didn't know anything WAS wrong. Until I asked. And at this point even my sincerest apology is a formality since I still don't know exactly what was said, and I doubt I ever will know since you're not really talking to me at all. And that's your choice, and that's fine. And now that I know that it's your choice to cut off all contact, I can at least go on with the knowledge that I've done all I can to make amends to someone who won't talk to me.

Sorry for the Sports-Intensive Post.

I realize that a lot of my regular readers may not know who Kirby Puckett and Terry Bradshaw are, and may not care. And that's okay. So here's a post for you guys.

Mr. Pie has discovered the word "DUUUUH!!"

He uses it quite often. Observe.

"Hey Pie, do you want a sandwich?"

"DUUUUUH!! I'm HUNgry!"


Grrrrrrrrr.

Good thing I got The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Familes from Paperbackswap.com today. I'm gonna see what Mr. Covey says about what to do with smartmouthed 4-year-olds. I'm hoping he condones the ol' forehead flick.

Have I mentioned Paperbackswap.com? It's such fun. There's a button in the sidebar. If you read a lot, or even if you don't but would like to if new books weren't so bloody expensive, it's a really great deal. It's FREE! All you do is pay for shipping the books via Media Mail (just a couple of dollars). You don't even have to go to the Post Office - the site tells you how much shipping is for each book you're sending out, and you just wrap it up in printer paper and put regular stamps on it.

I know that libraries exist and they're really free, but it always takes me longer than 2 weeks to read a book. I figure what I spend on shipping costs is comparable to what I'd pay in overdue charges at la biblioteca.

I was skeptical about Paperbackswap.com at first, but based on a $4.50 used book price, I've saved about $150 since joining up in October. R's a voracious reader, and he really loves being able to swap out the books he's read for different ones. And the kids have even swapped their books there. You can set up a Wish List, and then you'll receive an email when the books on your list are posted. The selection is improving as new members join, and the customer service is great. Anyway, if you're looking for something fun to do today, go through some old books and post them, then search the site for something you haven't read yet!

But enough with the Paperbackswap.com commercial.

I'm really having a hard time fighting the tempation to buy new yarn. I KNOW I don't need it. I really do posess the cognitive ability to understand that fact.

But it's sooooooooo cathartic.

And here's my problem with eBay. I'm SuperCompetitive. Like, cut-throat competitive. I hate losing. So I'll bid waaaay more than I really want to spend, even on stuff that I don't really want or need, just because I want to win. Dr. Phil would be proud of me for acknowledging that, I think. I need to stay away from eBay, especially on days when I'm drowning in self-loathing. There. Just saying it out loud is helpful.

I'm reallllllllllly trying to eliminate unnecessary spending from our lives. Yesterday I bought each of the kids a book at the Book Fair at the boys' school. And was promptly consumed by guilt. But is that guilt worse than the guilt I'd feel if I didn't buy the books? This is what perplexes me.

We are constantly surrounded by items, situations, and media images all of which make us feel like the worst parent in the world if we don't supply our children with Sufficient Educational Material (like the $750 laptop my SIL bought for my nephew's 9th birthday) and Learning Opportunities (like Space Camp for $2000). And have you seen the latest commercial for Disney World, with the glaring implication that if you DON'T take your kids to Disney World, they won't be as smart as the kids whose parents love them enough to take them there? We're supposed to put ourselves in hock so our kids can get the latest technological innovation, lest they be unable to compete in a Global Economy as adults. Riiiiiiight.

Maybe the logic is selfish at the core. After all, the more money our kids make as adults, the nicer Nursing Home they'll be able to afford to put us in.

It's ridiculous, and yet, like so many other parents, I buy into it. And it explains so much of what I hate about my life.

March Madness at Chez Karma

Hooooooooooooooooo-wee!! I love the NCAA Tournament! I love the conference tournaments for the automatic bids, I love the invitation show, I love the whole darn thing. Ironically, my alma mater has traditionally crapped out of the first round just about every year. Oh wait, one year in recent memory they made it to the Sweet Sixteen. But that was shortly before the Recruitment Violation Drama and subsequent sanctions began.

Oh, Quin. I loved you. And your suits. And your hair. And your voice. And your hair.

I even gave my youngest son the middle name of Quinn in your honor (thank God I had the sense to add the extra N so I could deny it later).


We had such high hopes that you'd bring the wisdom osmosed from the Great Coach K and turn our program around. Oh well.

So here's the best news out of Columbia in the last month or two - the Tigers beat the Huskers on Sunday so they will finish 11th in the Big 12! YAY! And this week, I believe, is the Big 12 tourney where we'll play Nebraska again in the first round. I hate to be a fair-weather fan, but, guys, yer killin' us.

In other sports news, Minnesota Twins Legend Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett has died of a stroke at age 45. He has to be the reason why Baseball Pants are Stretchy. Seriously. Check out his batting stance. His ass is outside of the batter's box. I even coined the phrase "KPA" - Kirby Puckett Ass - once when trying on jeans ("Hey, do these give me KPA?"). I'm in no way dissing the man's athletic ability, character, or any of his accomplishments on and/or off the field. I'm just sayin the man had an effin enormous backyard.




Oh, and a sexual assault lawsuit, which has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd mention it. Here's a lil sumthin I found about Kirby's Dark Side.

Kirby Puckett

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baseball fans across the country were shocked last year when Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett, one of the game’s most beloved figures, was charged with sexually assaulting a woman at a suburban Minneapolis restaurant.

But that incident was merely the latest in a pattern of alleged sexual indiscretions and violent acts by the former Minnesota Twins icon, according to the cover story by Frank Deford, with special reporting by George Dohrmann, in this week’s Sports Illustrated.

Puckett has pleaded innocent in the restaurant incident, and is scheduled to go on trial March 24 for false imprisonment and criminal sexual assault.

Laura Nygren, whom SI describes as Puckett's "mistress of many years," told the magazine that Puckett resumed an affair with her just seven weeks after he was married in 1986 -- then cheated on Nygren with numerous other women.

After the onset of glaucoma in his right eye forced him to retire in 1996, Puckett began committing lewd acts in public, such as urinating in mall parking lots, Nygren told SI. Her relationship with the ex-ballplayer ended last March after he allegedly threatened her and she obtained a temporary order of protection.

Shortly before Puckett was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in January 2001, a female employee of the Twins threatened to file a sexual harassment suit against the team because of Puckett’s and other men’s behavior. The Twins allegedly made a financial settlement with her, according to SI. The Twins declined to comment to the magazine about this allegation.

Puckett’s ex-wife, Tonya, divorced him in December, barely a year after she told police that he threatened to kill her during a telephone conversation. Over the years, she told SI, Puckett had also tried to strangle her with an electrical cord, locked her in the basement and used a power saw to cut through a door after she had locked herself in a room. Once, she said, he even put a cocked gun to her head while she was holding their young daughter.

Puckett’s upcoming trial stems from charges that he pulled a woman into the men’s room of a restaurant in Eden Prairie, Minn., on Sept. 5, 2002, and fondled her. The woman told police that Puckett released her only when her girlfriend opened the door to the men’s room and screamed.

Puckett, who retired with a .318 career average, 207 home runs, 1,085 RBIs and 134 stolen bases in 12 seasons, helped Minnesota win the World Series in 1987 and 1991. But the 5-foot-8, 230-pound center fielder was revered in the Twin Cities -- and throughout baseball -- as much for his “good guy” nature as for his play.

He and his ex-wife were involved in numerous community projects and during his career he won the Branch Rickey and the Roberto Clemente Man of the Year awards for community service. He’s also a member of the World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame.

But that image also was a sham, according to Nygren. One day after he had retired, she told SI, they were together when Puckett said he had to leave to visit a sick child who was waiting to meet him.

“That’s great, you get to make that kid’s day,” Nygren told him. “That must make you feel good.” But she said Puckett just snapped back at her.

“I don’t give a s---,” he said. “It’s just another kid who’s sick.”

Puckett declined to be interviewed for the SI story.

http://www.ootpdevelopments.com/board/showthread.php?t=28104

And, if you're interested, CLICK HERE for another Kirby Tale from twincities.com 2003 that's a little more detailed.


On the subject of Sports Celebrity Boo-tay, word on the street is that Terry Bradshaw's nekkid ass appears in the new movie Failure to Launch. I'll go on record and say that I think Terry's hilarious. I bet he's a fun date. In fact, I'd love to go on a Dream Date with Terry Bradshaw. (Yeah, I know I'm married. R knows I want to hang with TB.) I admire him a whole helluva lot for his efforts to de-stigmatize Depression Meds. And I love that he can laugh at himself. My kinda guy. So if you know Terry, tell him to call me.

Bringin the Dish!

OH

MAH

GAWD...

Keira Knightley, sistah... you looked FANTASTIC. Mad fashion props go out to her and to Selma Hayek.

And, believe it or not, even Hilary Swank actually went for something feminine this year, for a refreshing change of pace.

I was really not blown away by anything Uberheinous this year, but there were a couple of dresses that I really hated.

Charlize, are you hiding the head of Aileen Wuornos in there?

Sandra Bullock, honey, what's goin on with that neckline?

The frock sported by Amy Adams reminded me of a prom dress from the JCPenney catalog. I don't care if it is Carolina Hererra.

And Naomi Watts looked like she narrowly escaped a watery grave on her way to the Oscars.

I liked J-Lo's dress a lot, but I thought her makeup was icky. She looked like George Hamilton put it on for her... in the dark.

I caught some flack on the ol' Knittyboard for saying Jennifer Garner looked like she was pregnant again.

Here's where I'm coming from on that... She had her baby December 1. I myself have sons 10.5 months apart, so I know it's not impossible, ok?? I didn't mean it as an insult. I'm just sayin shit happens.




And I'm sticking to my opinion that her dress, from the angle I saw it, was NOT flattering. Please don't misunderstand me - I think Jen's cuter'n a bug's ear, I love her to pieces, I thought her little bit about how she does all her own stunts was genius comedic timing, but I just was not wild about her dress. Sorry to anyone I may have upset.

And I wasn't a big fan of Reese's dress either. Reminded me of a multi-tiered wedding cake. But major points for staying classy, modest and elegant.





Here's a list of all the Oscar winners. I didn't do so well in my predictions, but I did call it that Crash would upset Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture, did I not? Yes. Yes, I believe I did.

Freecycle Find

So have I ever told you kids about Freecycle? It's the greatest thing ever. It's the place where people who are giving usable stuff away for free. It's fabulous. We've gotten the bulk of our HUGE record collection from Freecycle. We also got Beeb a computer. For free. I've gotten clothes for the kids, books and toys, all kinds of stuff. And it's also a great way to get rid of stuff you don't use. It's totally win/win. It's awesome.

So today, on a Freecycle pickup, I got 2 bags of goofy old Craft magazines. Not just knitting/crochet, but stuff like stenciling and quilting and sewing too. Here's an example:



Cardigans from Sweats. It's so not-funny that it's hilarious.

THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE...

And the Winner, with 8 out of 10 correct is...

Stacie!!!!

Email me your info and I'll get your Kielbasa in the mail!

SPOTTED ON THE RED CARPET --

Here's the Streaming Video Live from Hollywood!!


Some Lesser-known Celebrities are in attendance this evening:





ali before...




and fully Glammified





cpurl17 sportin' the fug



Hilary Swank's evil twin wrapped in Muppet


And finally, the Shrektacular Bezzie in vintage eBay!

Cue The Papparazzi!

Who could forget this Red Carpet Fashion Fiasco?

Is it any wonder that Bjork rhymes with both Stork and Dork? Yeah, I realize it's supposed to be a swan, but, duh - Swan does NOT rhyme with Bjork.

For the record, I love Bjork. She was awesome in Dancer in the Dark. And to her credit, it was a bold fashion choice. But still wrong.

So very wrong.


A Clever Suggestion has been made to incorporate a Red Carpet Fashion Parade into our Online Oscar Zaniness. Anyone who would like to participate, please feel free to take a photo of yourself in your fancypants Red Carpet ensemble and send it to me and I'll post it!

Who's BALLZ enuff to do it???

I am.

I'm goin' for the Cameron Diaz fresh out of bed look. Maybe I'll even mix in some Gwyn-nip action for Shizzelz N' Grizzelz.




Is it Hollywood Law that Celebrity Mansions are forbidden to contain MIRRORS?

A Little Bit of Bloggy Housekeeping to keep me from ACTUAL Housekeeping

Let's see. Where to start.

Oh yeah. The fish that we bought to be the friend of the fish Nat won at a Halloween Party when she was 2 (didja follow all that?) finally kicked it. I was pretty sure that thing was going to outlive me. It was older than both of my sons. I named it Buddy since we got it to be the buddy of the first fish (whom I named Fiddy after R spent Fiddy Damn Dollahs on a stupid fish tank for a 10-cent WalMart goldfish). The kids later changed his (and I'm assuming it's a boy, we never checked) name to Nemo in honor of the Disney Movie Du Jour.

The most memorable event in Buddy's life, in my estimation, was when he we found him swimming upside down. Not floating, mind you, swimming upside down. Buddy looked as though he had somehow swallowed a little bitty teeny balloon and it was forcing him to swim belly-up. Nat was absolutely HYSTERICAL. In fairness to her, this whole debacle occurred last summer, right after her best friend Jack died - a very VERY sad story for another day - so she was beside herself. "Nemo is my Best Friend! All my friends keep dying!!!!" she sobbed.

So R quickly went into Dad Mode and scoured the internet in search of What To Do When Your Goldfish is Swimming Upside Down with a Big Fat Belly.

And here's what he found out.

You have to buy some frozen peas, steam them, shell them, smoosh them up, and feed them to the fish for about 3-4 days. Seemed like it was worth a try, so R went out and bought some frozen peas and we began The Frozen Pea Treatment.

The shit WORKED. Who knew?? A few days later, Buddy was back to his old self. I couldn't believe it.

So I told this story of the Upside Down Goldfish to my friend/Beloved Local Meteorologist, who incorporated the whole sordid tale into a segment on his morning show that he calls "Pick City", where he gives a little schpiel about a particular city and shows what the high temperature will be in that city that day. Usually he does a Pick City theme for the week, like the week before Cardinals Opening Day, for example, he uses cities with Cardinal Player names like Edmonds, Indiana (Gold Glove Centerfielder Jim Edmonds); Albert, Oklahoma (NL MVP Albert Pujols), you get the idea. I set my alarm for 6:15 every morning so I can watch the Pick City part of the show, whether I need to get out of bed or not.

Anyway, the day after I told him the story, the Pick City segment went like this:

"A friend of mine named Sarah told me that her goldfish was swimming - not floating - upside down in the tank, and her kids started freaking out because it didn't look too good for the fish, so her husband went on the internet to find out what to do. It turns out that you have to get some frozen peas, steam them, shell them, mash them up and feed them to the fish for a few days. And they did it, and it worked, the fish is fine, and so in honor of Sarah's fish, the Pick City for today is -

Mashpee, Massachusetts."

It was hilarious.

The fish tank bubbles are still on, because, after 6 years, the house sounds weird without them. Maybe we'll get more fish. Maybe I'll put my sewing machine in the spot where the tank currently resides, as I've been threatening to for quite a while. Or maybe it would be nice just to have some space there. I haven't decided yet.


Moving on -

Poopy Diaper Head Monkeemaven is apparently not convinced that I'm actually related to Amylovie, but I am, and until I can find the pic of my kids playing with her kids at her Moms, my aunt MaryAnn's house, here's the best I can do as far as proving it. Here's a pic from my sister's wedding. MaryAnn (Amylovie's mom) and her husband (my mom's brother Ron) are on either side of the bride's head. I am next to the PreacherMan (my dad). Alas, Amylovie is NOT in that picture, because she quite understandably didn't make the 800-mile trip right after Christmas, but she was there in spirit when the pic I posted yesterday of the 5 cousins popped up in the rehearsal dinner slide show.



The Karma family is planning a trip to South Texas in about a week and a half, and I'm sure some Quality Time will be spent with the Lovie Fam, so I'll see what geneological photodocumentation I can get. Not that I should have to prove my lineage to anybody, sheesh.


Next, it's Oscar Night Eve! Here's the latest update on the Oscar Soiree A La Penny Karma.

Here are the Playahs who have submitted predictions so far:

knottygnome
fluffyewe
spudd
bezzie
tabbytuxedo
trillian_42
MJ
stacie
cpurl17
and then of course there's myself and R.

As it stands, the prediction breakdown is as follows:

For Best Picture, Brokeback Mountain is in the lead with 77%.
Crash scored 23%.

55% of the playahs think Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to win Best Actor. In second place is Joaquin Phoenix in Walk The Line. I watched Walk the Line last night. Reese was a hoot! And wasn't Johnny an ASS when he was messed up? Dang!

George Clooney is predicted to win Best Supporting Actor by 55% of playahs. If you should need a Clooney fix, I recommend O Brother, Where Art Thou. I'm a HUGE Coen Brothers fan. Right behind George (and that's not an intentional play on words although it kinda does sound like one in this context) is Jake Gylenhaal with 44%.

Reese Witherspoon's portrayal of June Carter Cash was Best Actress Oscar-Worthy, according to 55% of the playahs. The other 44% are predicting that Felicity Huffman (and her Prosthetic Penis) will be the Big Wiener. Damn, I'm funny!

In the Best Supporting Actress category, it's a very close race between Catherine Keener (33%), Frances McDormand (who's married to a Coen brother but I forget which one), Rachel Weisz, and Michelle Williams (each with 22%).

Brokeback Mountain was the Best Adapted Screenplay choice for 77% of playahs, Munich got the only dissenting vote.

Crash is the frontrunner for Best Original Screenplay with 44%. Good Night and Good Luck and Syriana each have 22% of the predictions.

And, in what, to many, is the "close your eyes and throw a dart" category of Best Foreign Film, 55% of playahs' darts hit Paradise Now, and 33% hit Tsotsi. Both films actually sound like places in which I would NOT want to be hit by a dart.

Finally, in the ubervague category of Best Cinematography, Memoirs of a Geisha leads the pack with 44% of the predictions. Brokeback Mountain and The New World each garnered a respectable 22%.

There's still time to get your predictions in, if ya wanna be a Playah too! And why wouldn't ya? There's a Friggin Sweet Prize for whoever gets the most right. Noon Sunday (Central Time) is the deadline.


And One More Thing.

Like a True Catholic, which, ironically, I'm NOT, I have figured out a way around my Lenten resolve not to buy yarn.

I'm gonna buy fabric, cut it into strips, and USE it as yarn. Aren't I brilliant?

I think I'll make Tinsel.


Oh wait, one more One More Thing -

I finally bound off the Muppestesque Fug. Yeah, it's every bit as bad as I thought. But I AM gonna wear it to Oscar Night! Take THAT, Hilary Swank!


And don't forget to chime in on Worst Oscar Attire (male and female) on Monday. Nuthin like a little Fashion Bashin'!

Dammit.

I've already broken my Lenten Resolve not to buy yarn. Well, if the auction I'm currently bidding on doesn't go up $2 in the next hour, I will have bought yarn when I said I wouldn't. In fairness to myself, I put the bid in before Lent began. So maybe it shouldn't count. And hey, maybe I'll lose it in the last 30 seconds anyway. Why beat myself up?

Ok, I mean it now. No more yarn. Except when I'm on vacation. If I see a yarn shop in Texas, then yes, I'll have to make a tiny exception. And in April my cousin Amylovie will be opening Yarntopia. Yes, she's my actual blood cousin. In fact, I have a picture of us, her brothers, and my sister that I may have posted before. If I didn't, here it is, and if I did it's funny enough anyway that it deserves to be posted again. Hope she doesn't kill me.

She's in the green top. I'm the tallest. My sister is on the far right.



I've got a couple of Fun Little Contests going, so if you want to get in on the Oscar Par-tay thang, email me your predictions by Noon Central Time on Sunday.

And if you want to get in on the Fuggin Yankee Swap, email another of the world's vanishing breed of Beautiful Geniuses, Domestic Overlord.

And, tomorrow I shall post an Obituary for the 6-year-old Goldfish we just discovered dead in our tank.

UPDATE - Some jaggoff eBay SNIPER got in there at the last possible second and stole my yarn. Dammit. I guess I'm relieved. No, I'm not. I'm bitter. Grrrrrrr.

All right, bitches. You asked for it.

I begin a Tragic Love story. Grab a hankie. I'll wait.

Back? Ok.

Ahem.

Two balls of yarn.
He's Lagoon Montague, a straight-laced ladder yarn.
She's Chambray Capulet, a free-spirited eyelash.
They share a Common Colorway. They share a dream.

One day, they'll make it out of Penny Karma's stash. Somehow, someday, they'll make something of themselves and become Something Meaningful. Something Useful. Something Beautiful.

And they'll always be toegether.

You see potential here, don't you? Maybe? They'd make a cute couple?



And they dated for a while.

The Montagues told Lagoon, "She's not your kind, Lagoon - stick to your own kind! Eyelash yarn is the White Trash of Yarn Society, and we won't allow this relationship to continue! Think of your family, Lagoon! Don't shame us by hanging out with... with... oh, dare we say it... CHAIN STORE YARN!!"

And Chambray's friends told her "Girrrrl, he's too boring to hang with you. Eyelash is Hot Novelty, and Ladder Yarns are at the bottom of the Novelty Yarn Bargain Bin. You better tell him to drag his laddery ass back to KnitPicks. He thinks he's better than Hobby Lobby yarn. He's not good enough for YOU, sistah."

But Lagoon and Chambray wouldn't listen. They thought they were beautiful together. So they eloped and got married, against the advice of everyone.

They dined every night at The Circular Needle, they attended Olympic Events, saw Oscar-nominated movies (including North Country, which had a really cheesy ending, IMHO, but back to the story), and Chambray hoped that Lagoon would ask her if she wanted to become a Knited Prom Dress with him. But it was not to be.





They stayed together for about 3 weeks, and then the honeymoon was over. Something wasn't right. Neither lived up to the other's expectations. He wanted her to lay flat, she wanted him to loosen up. They realized what a mistake their union was.

Sometimes two ugly things can defy the odds and come together in a way that is beautiful. And sometimes two ugly things make a REALLY UGLY THING.

They were doomed from the start. Star-crossed lovers, destined to become nothing more than Unfroggable Muppetesque Fug.



They agreed to attend Yarn Couples' Therapy, where they were forced to take a closer look at themselves. And that didn't make the situation look any better. They were still not right together. As individuals, they were strong, but together, they only brought out the worst in each other. He started drinking and smacking her around, she started sleeping with her boss. Which was an accident, really, I kinda dozed off while knitting and sipping a beer.

If this story had a moral, it would be DON'T KNIT DRUNK.
Unfortunately, it doesn't, because I have no morals.



Note: This color is closer to the real color of it. Chambray didn't look like Grover sitting on the shelf. Honest.

They even tried to find a place to live on the shoulders of an unsuspecting Three-Year-Old Boy. A swarm of papparazzi captured this moment. The boy closed his eyes in humiliation and immediately removed Lagoon and Chambray from his body, even attempting to angrily rip apart their forbidden love. He was quickly tackled by an onlooker and arrested.




But there is good news, my friends!
Lagoon and Chambray have decided to stick it out through the FIRST OFFICIAL KNITTYHEAD FUG-OFF!!

No Turning Back

Those Who Knit know what I'm talking about.

There comes a time, when you're working on a project and you start to get an overall sense of what the Finished Product is going to look like. And then that you suddenly realize that it's more than likely going to SUCK when it's done. Not necessarily because you've made a ton of mistakes, the whole thing could be flawless as far as stitch quality and accuracy. It still just sucks. But you can't quit. You've put too much time and effort into it. And maybe you cling to the hope that it won't be as bad as you think. I call this The Point of No Return.

I got some of that nifty Knitpicks Sparkles in Lagoon in a Swap (I think that's where I got it, I forget), and it looked funny all by itself, so I looked for some pattern ideas, and they show it with Butterfly Kisses. It's kinda eyelashy, which is dangerously close to FunFur (and I know that some people are Violently Opposed to the use of FunFur), but still, I thought it had potential to be pretty. So I found something similar at Hobby Lobby last week for 1.66 a skein, in a color close to Twilight. And I started making what I envisioned as a shawl-type thing. I cast on 3 stitches and increased 1 stitch every row. I started sometime during the Olympics, to give you an idea.

So now the thing's huge.
And blue.
And furry.

And looking an awful lot like Shredded Grover Roadkill.

Seriously, I'm embarrassed to even put a pic up on here. And yet, I can't stop knitting it. And even if I frogged it, what the hell else would I do with these yarns? I keep hoping maybe it's really NOT that bad. Up close, it's kinda pretty. The colors are pretty (sorta), but then I draped it over my shoulders and looked in the mirror.

And it's horrible.
It's really horrible.
It's worse than horrible.
It's Muppetesque.
Muppetacular.
Muppetistic.

I'm just gonna keep knitting it till I run out of yarn. Then maybe I'll post it on eBay, just to see what happens!

Yes. That is what I'll do.

Stay tuned, true believers.