Now for the love of God, GIMME SOME CAN-DEH!!

Presenting...


THE BEZZ-O-LANTERN!!!!



Remind me to tell you guys the story of how I came to be rather adept at pumpkin decorating. I'll have to think of some clever pseudonyms to protect the innocent.










After capturing the coveted top prize at the Pevely Flea Market Costume Contest, Tito decided he wanted to be something else. So we put him in a knight costume. He wanted to keep his "fancy moustache", so he kinda looks like John Cleese as the French Castle Guard. I tried to teach him to say "I faaaaahht in your general direction!" but he just kept saying "I farted!" Not the same effect.


What he reeeeeeeeeally wanted to be this Halloween was James, from the Thomas the Tank Engine Stories. The only James costume I found was overpriced and not very cute, so I had this genius idea to get a hold of a red sweatsuit, some Thomas fabric I'd seen at Wal-Mart, and some Wonder Under so I could cut pieces of fabric and iron them on. Alone, that looked kinda stupid, so I outlined the pieces in yellow fabric paint.

The result looked, to me, like absolute shit, but guess who loved it? Voila, the hand-crafted James costume:






And it's also Big Wiener Tuesday - this week's question was "What did my dad give the African Seminary Students for Christmas?" And the answer is:

Ski masks.

That's one of my favorite stories.

Our Weekly Wiener is April!


So this week's Simple Green Simple Question is:

What is the name of the Festivus-like holiday R and I created?


It's a tough one, so I'll sweeten the pot. This week's winner will also receive an Official UPS package deliverer winter hat with earflaps. Why a UPS hat? I have no idea. It's pretty effin sweet, though. Good luck.




And finally, here's my little Halloween treat to you -

Best in Show!

So the party at the Science Center was kindof a downer. The fun special exhibits were closed. There were about four long lines that you got to wait in to receive one piece of candy, or, alternatively, you could wait in ridiculously long lines to make a cheesy craft, like color a picture of a pumpkin or something. Yawn. We can do that crap at home.


In comparison, Halloween at the Pevely Flea Market ROCKED. We happened upon this well-kept secret of local Halloween celebrations last year and we plan to make it an annual tradition. Basically, you can walk around to the various booths that sell all kinds of kitchy, useless crap and the kids can trick-or-treat for candy. The highlight of the day is the costume contest.

By the way, here's a little tip if you're thinking of attending next year's Pevely Flea Market Halloween Soiree - it's important (and amusing) to keep in mind that not everyone who looks scary is actually in costume. Some folks I could have sworn were wearing those fake "Bubba teeth". They weren't.


Anyhoo, here are some pics of the apes' costumes.




Pie as Harry Potter (complete with scar)

















Tito as a Pirate

















He had a hard time holding still for the moustache-drawing part.
















Beebie was a surgeon, and she got quite offended when people would ask if she was a nurse. Way to defy those stereotypes, Beeb!














This is the Mad Scientist Hospital ID badge that R made for her to wear. It says "Chief of Icky, Very Gross, Extremely Bloody Surgery". It was well-received.










Here they are on the Flea Market Carousel.



















And the costume contest winners were...

Beebie and Tito!




We thought Harry Potter would surely place, but when the judges asked him to cast a spell, he crossed his arms and pouted. So Tito won in their age group, and Beebie placed third in her age group. Pie was pretty miffed until he won a door prize of two movie tickets.

He was so miffed, in fact, that he said -

"If I'm ever in a pie-eating contest, I'm just going to throw the pies at everybody else." Interesting strategy.



Oh, and by the way, I live in the most dangerous city in the US. Perhaps I should suggest to the mayor that Power Panties become part of the standard issue STLPD uniform!

Behold The Power Of Panties!

Dontcha hate it when you're right in the middle of a perfectly craptacular day and then somebody goes and does something nice and it throws off your Crabby Mojo??

Ok, I don't really hate it. In fact, I love it. I do have to point out the fact that the mail arrived within an hour of my putting on my Power Panties.


Lemme explain real quick for the non-knitters what a CASP is - on the Knittyboards we play Secret Pal where you get assigned a person to whom you are supposed to send yarn and other knitting-related (and non-related) stuff. CASP stands for Cheap Ass Secret Pal. It's the same Secret Pal concept only without the usual spending minimum. It's great. It challenges the participants creatively. Brilliant.


Anyway, so today I got not one but TWO packages from CASP's! Right in the middle of my yucktastic day. Right after I put on my extra-special drawers.


These goodies came from my CASP 3 Parsimonious Pal:



There are Halloween window clings, stickers, three little flashlights for the apes,
candy (not pictured - guess why?), cocoa mix, the book Confessions of a Slacker Mom (ha!), and PENNY KARMA CRACK - Werther's Chewy Caramels!





And these goodies came from my CASP 2, Cheapy Sheepy By The Sea:

A needle bag with Addi DPN's, Opal sock yarn and a pattern, Rowan Summer Tweed (I love this color), a crochet magazine, great Rowan patterns...







And a lil sumthin sumthin for each of the apes (which they LOVED)!














Nacho says, "Muchissimas gracias!"





Not much TV to talk about this week. Must See TV Thursday was all repeats because of this little thing called the World Series... I'm not going to talk about it until it's over because the Cardinals have a history of choking when they have a 3 games to 1 lead.

Jerry Springer is FINALLY off of Dancing with the Stars, and this week Peter and Sarah were eliminated from the Race (ugh, that Peter!). And Brooke was eliminated on ANTM. I missed it last week, so if I'm way off for asking this, I'm sorry, but - What is Jaeda still doing there?


As far as a weekend preview - tomorrow we're going to a Halloween Party at the Science Center. Should be good.

Just Minor Craziness. And a Tiny Hint of Complete and Utter Mayhem.

Despite this blog's sensationalized evidence to the contrary, my life is actually pretty boring most of the time.

Yesterday, however, I became totally convinced that the first sound I hear in the morning is like a crystal ball prediction for the quality of my day. How I long for my wake-up sound to be the actual alarm clock (set for 6:15)!

I awoke at about 4:30am to the tell-tale sound of the laundry chute door snapping shut. I've become very familiar with this sound recently. It invariably means that someone has peed in his bed and he's trying to hide the evidence. Someone named TITO.

Great.

So I get up and confront him and I make him help me strip the bed, and wipe him down and find him some clothes rather than put a new pair of pajamas on him. Then, since he's dressed, he figures it's breakfast time. No, I said, you come lay down with me in my bed. I have a long day ahead of me and I need a little more sleep.

He wants chocolate milk. Fine. Grrrrrrrr.

An hour later, he gets up to poop. YAY! As I'm giggling at his overly-thatrical poop-grunts (think of a James Brown record being played at a really slow speed), he calls me in to wipe him, and I notice that the flushable wipes are all gone. Those things are so darn convenient. But paper'll do in a pinch. Whatever.

Wednesday is usually R's day off. This week, however, he has some kind of training for work, which means, this week only, he works 8-5 Monday through Friday and he's off on Saturday. Let me say this again for emphasis.

R'S OFF THIS SATURDAY. For the first time in YEARS.

Here's the downside. That means he has to work on his regular day off.

Had I known he'd be working yesterday, I certainly would not have scheduled Pie's Aquatherapy, Beeb's Parent-Teacher Conference, and my Pilates Class for that day.

So, as I mentioned, the day started out rough, and I knew it was only going to get worse.

I dropped the boys off at 9ish and drove to Garden Ridge to look for some silly party decorations and prizes to send to my mom for her birthday. Last year I sent a Party In A Box (huge box of hats, balloons, streamers, games and prizes) and my sister made all of it into a fun party that my mom really enjoyed, so I thought I'd do it again.

Her birthday is Sunday, and if I didn't get the package in the mail Wednesday, it might not get there in time. So I had to squeeze a trip to the Post Office into an already overbooked day.

I found lots of silly little things and miraculously got them to fit in a box which I taped securely and put in the car so I could run by the Post Office after I pick up the boys (since now I don't have time to go there before I pick them up).

Pickup went fine, only they're both whining that they're starving. They don't stay for lunch at their school anymore. It's ok, guys, I tell them, we'll hurry and be home for lunch in just a few minutes. Famous last words.

Tito loves to press buttons. So I had to start over at the little Automatic Package Mailing Machine about three times. I shoulda just waited in the line, only the last time I waited in the line, he pulled the rope-gate thing over (after I'd told him about twelve times to stop touching it) with a thundering CLANG and I was completely mortified by the fact that my children obviously never listen to me.

While I'm mailing the package, I get not one, but two calls on my cell phone. From people I don't talk to every day - my friend Canadian Eric and Ry's former Aquatherapist who I haven't talked to in months. Amazing.

So $12 later, the package is on its merry way to San Antonio and I am on my way to my next stop: Target. To buy more flushable wipes. Oh, and the Nacho Libre DVD with the free mask inside (RIGHTEOUS!!!!). And candy. And pencils. And oh shit, suddenly it's 1:30. And crap, I forgot to buy milk.

Next stop is home. Lunchtime. Sandwiches take up the last of the bread. I see a Grocery Store stop in my immediate future.

After lunch, it's 2:30, time for Ry's Aquatherapy. I don't think I've talked about it much on here, but Ry was born with a very rare birth defect called Triad (or "Prune Belly") Syndrome. One of these days I'll tell the whole story of Ry's long-awaited entrance into the world, but the day-to-day reality of it is that his case is so incredibly mild compared to the worst-case scenarios that if you didn't know there was something wrong with him, you wouldn't know, other than his big ol' belly. Sorry for the tangent, but anyway, that's why he goes to Aquatherapy - to build his tummy muscles.

His therapist is late, so she runs a few minutes over to make up for it. We leave at 3:20. Beeb's bus arrives at 3:25, and her conference is at 3:45.

I haven't eaten anything all day.

The boys and I get home, Beeb gets home, I grab some snacks for everyone and we head to Beeb's school for conferences. All A's and B's. She needs to turn her work in on time. Overall, a very good report. Yay, Beeb.

Next comes the Unscheduled but Suddenly Necessary Pit Stop at the Grocery Store. Just milk and bread this time. And jelly. And frozen pizzas. And ice cream. And oh shit, it's 4:30 and my Pilates Class is at 5:15. And I forgot to buy brown mustard.

I should mention that I missed the first class last week because I was out Schmoozing with FIL and the Symphony - at the free event that cost me almost $50 in babysitting costs. The Aldis saved their money and brought 1 1/2 year old Aldiboy, who ran through the aisles chased by The Reverend. That was almost worth the price of admission right there. Almost.

Home for a quick dinner. I have to apologize profusely to the kids that there isn't time to make the frozen pizza - even though, as they quite vocally reminded me, I had bought it with the intention of making it for dinner - so we'll have to have something fast. I put Beeb in charge of dinner while I put on my Pilates Attire and dusted off my mat. She made hot dogs, or more accurately, pools of ketchup with a side order of hot dog.

Got everyone fed and in the car, and headed to Pilates (the same building where Ry had had his Aquatherapy earlier). Dropped the kids off with the babysitter and sheepishly walked into the classroom. I was afraid I'd be intimidated and completely out of my element, but this class was the best part of my day. The instructor was awesome and I really enjoyed the class. So I think I'll stick with Pilates and Bellydancing for now. Aerobics can kiss my jiggly white ass.

So I survived the craziest day in recent memory, and after I picked up the kids all I could think about was having a bowl of soup and watching Jeff "Soup" Suppan shut down the Tigers in Game Four. Sigh, rained out. So I watched 30 Rock - if you haven't seen this show, kids, it's great. I'm waiting for the repeat of ANTM on Sunday.

And then I put on my damn jammies, knowing that I could stay in them as long as I wanted the next morning.

Now, the only thing crazier than a crazy day at Chez Karma is the day AFTER the crazy day, when I have to cram in all the things I should have done yesterday but didn't have time. Like laundry. There's a freakin metric ton of laundry in my basement, but it's been raining for two days now and I'm afraid to go down there.

I got to sleep in till 6 today. BLISS! And remember how yesterday I woke up to the sound of the laundry chute?

Today it was the sound of glass breaking. Beeb broke the glass teapot. Sigh.


UPDATE: About thirty seconds after I posted, I went into the bathroom to retrieve the empty toilet paper roll per Ryan's repeated request (so he can watch for Pirates) and found a puddle of pee on the floor. Apparently, someone peed in his little potty seat and subsequently knocked it over. Lovely.

Once again, we see the direct relationship between the first sound I hear in the morning and the quality of the rest of my day.

To summarize, that's "Wake up to crap, you get crap all day." It's 11:00am now. Is it too late to go back to bed?

Oh, I almost forgot the kicker - all three Apes are home from school tomorrow.


UPDATE #2 (12:30pm):



Yes, these are Tito's grape jelly handprints on Ryan's back.








I predict several more updates as the day progresses. I took a shower and put on my KMA Power Panties.

Check back periodically.

WPN X

This is the tenth installment of what has come to be known as Wookin Pa Nub Wednesday! Can ya believe? This calls for a CELEBRATION!!! Cake! Candles!

Men in tight pants!!!


Par-TAAAAAAY!!!!





Wutthe?

Who the fuck invited this guy?













BOO!
Note: I did not edit this pic in any way.

















This guy's user id is nymphohunter and his headline is "Youngest Grandpa In Town". The fact that he looks like a White Trash Ron Burgundy is just a yummy little bonus.













Even better! White Trash Ron Burgundy's DAD!












Ok, this picture absolutely haunted me. Could this be the photo he submitted for the National Registry of Serial Killers?

His user id suggests that he is "easy on the eyes", but maybe that just means he blindfolds you reeeeeally gently... before feeding your feengerteeps to the wolverines.








There's SO much going on here, I don't even know where to begin. I'm particularly intrigued by the setting. Is this a place of business? I sure the hell hope not. And what happened to his other nipple?













'Scuse me while I whip this out!

Oh, snap - that's his THUMB.










Ok, here's what this guy's pic looked like. So I did him (and you) the courtesy of lightening it up a bit. Stand by...














This gentleman has furnished his underground bunker with 101 Dalmatians sheets.

Girls, this is pretty much the Queen Mother of all Red Flags.














Your turn, guys! We have a luscious crop of ladies today!








Taking the place of the Scrunchie on the "Things You Shouldn't Wear If You're Over A Certain Age" List - ANYTHING WITH THE WORDS "BABY GIRL" ON IT.









And taking the place of Anything with the Words "Baby Girl" on it on the "Things You Shouldn't Wear If You're Over A Certain Age" List -
Fishnet.















Same gal.

P.S. She's 60.


















Anne here is also 60. I appreciate that she's considerably more modest than Miss Thang up there, but someone needs to tell her that Tweety Bird is also pretty high up on the aforementioned List.












Oh, Honey. No. Just no.















This is officially the WORST dye job I've ever seen.















Notice how close her bangs are to the ceiling.











Oh, Dear God In Heaven, AGAIN with the fishnet!

Ironically, the fishnet is the least objectionable item in this picture.

Dude, Where's My Wiener?

Our Wiener this week is none other than Domestic Overlord!

Mr. Pie earned a whopping $7 for eating one bite of Anchovy Pizza.

And now, here is your next Simple Green Simple Question:

What did my dad give the African Seminary Students for Christmas?

Email me or leave a comment and if you're correct, your name will go into a drawing for some lovely lil bottles of Simple Green.

Why do I give out Simple Green? Cuz I emailed them to ask if Simple Green came in lil bitty bottles and instead of just answering me back "Why, yes, we do - thanks for asking!", the good folks at Simple Green Fed-Ex'ed me 96 two-ounce bottles of Simple Green. So now ya know.

My Social Calendar:

Ryan's friend Camille invited us to her house for a playdate today. I'm hoping that they'll see that other people's houses are a WHOLE lot cleaner than ours and maybe it will help me motivate them (and myself) to get their crap off the floor. Ryan's acting like a little shit, though, and if he doesn't turn it around in about 30 seconds we're not going.


Knitting News:

As far as Knitted Holiday Gifts, I've decided that this is the year of the Felted Bag. I'm midway-through my second Booga and I think it's one of my favorite patterns ever since I sprung for the Turbo Needles. I have enough Kureyon to make at least one more Booga, and I believe I might make a Sophie Bag and The Clutch You'll Never Give Up, too. My sister and my best friend both have birthdays right before Christmas. My mom's birthday is coming up next week. I started on a pattern and I effed it up really bad and had to start over and now there's no way I'll be done.

I won some faboo yarn from Knitmongrel's Acronym Contest. I'll put pics up of it and of my Booga-In-Progress.


And finally (insert dramatic drumroll)...

I have officially purchased my very last box of diapers! This is cause for a grand celebration! Maybe I'll get my nails done.

GO CARDS!

Yeah, I know I've been slacking on the TV talk Fridays. This week I didn't really watch most of my shows because there was this lil sporting event thing I was following.

Oh, and didja hear?
THE CARDINALS ARE PLAYING IN THE WORLD SERIES.

Say it with me, Dan - Yadi ! Yadi !!


So this week I watched The Amazing Race and the Coalminer Couple (who I love more and more every week) finished last in a non-elimination round. They're doing non-elinimation rounds differently now, and they get to keep their money and their stuff, BUT they have to come in first on the next leg of the race or else they get a 30 minute time penalty which would certainly put them in danger of finishing last. I think I like this new rule.

I forget what I watched on Tuesday.

On Wednesdays, R likes Heroes and Studio 60. And of course, we both love Top Model. I came across this awesome Top Model recap via Zantimissknit's blog, and I just have to point all you Top Model fans to the delicious snarkfest at fourfour's blog.

This week I missed Top Model, however, because I was out sportin' my Power Panties with FIL. AJ left. That bummed me out a little, but there are still lots of girls I like, like Carridee and the twins. I kinda like Brooke too. It's a great group this cycle.

Thursday I watched most of Earl (yet another classic episode) and Office, taped Survivor and flipped back and forth between ER and the Cardinals/Mets game 7, at Shea Stadium, which, in case you missed it... WE WON, in two out, two strikes, bases loaded in the bottom of the 9th dramatic fashion!

Yesterday not a damn thing was on so we watched Pierce Brosnan in The Matador. Thumbs Up.

And today is the kind of day where I would be some lucky sports fan's dream date. I'd love to have a few drinks and watch the Mizzou vs. K-State Homecoming game and then hang out and watch the CARDINALS IN THE WORLD SERIES.

And guess what? Tito has been in panties all day for two whole days now! Yes, folks, he has even gone "plunker" on the potty successfully several times today! And get this - he loves peeing away from home. Most kids pee before you leve to go somewhere, he wants to wait until we get there. Everywhere we go, he wants to go on their potty. Old Navy, Trader Joe's, even the Library has been marked as Tito's Territory. Hallelujah.

Yesterday at WalMart he waited until I was all the way done checking out and then he announced he had to go potty. I obviously couldn't push the cart into the bathroom, so I loaded up my arms with 8 bags and took him and Pie into the stall. And ya know how the urge to go potty can be kinda contagious? Yes, I set my bags on the WalMart Bathroom floor. What else could I do?


I made about $50 selling the halloween costumes. That means I have $60 until Friday. I could probably write a check on Thursday if I had to. I'm not worried.

Tito just told me he's scared of tomatoes. He said he has bad dreams about tomatoes. He asked if there are tomatoes where we live. I think he means Tornadoes.


I gotta start my holiday knitting. I have no idea what I'm going to make. This weekend I'll brainstorm and announce my chosen projects. I just got the 2007 Knitting Pattern a Day Calendar so perhaps I'll peruse it while I watch...

THE CARDINALS IN THE WORLD SERIES.

Poo--pourri that's not Poo-related!

Lemme start off, before I forget, by letting you know that I hold the comments that contain the Simple Green Simple Question answers in Comment Purgatory instead of posting them. If I posted everyone's correct answers, well, then it would be too easy! So if you don't see a comment you wrote, that's why.

(I hope you're still pulling for the Cards tonight, Dan!! :) )


Moving on, here is a transcript of an actual conversation between Beebie and me that took place last night in the car.

As the curtain comes up, we have just left the bank, and Beeb has a lollipop in her mouth, with her lips closed around the stick.

Beeb: Hey, Mom, look... I'm smoking.

Me: Hey, Beeb, I'm not laughing. That's SO not funny. I mean it. I better not EVER see you smoking, or I will be SO furious! Smoking is really, REALLY bad for you. I know you know that. I've talked to you about it and I know you've talked about it at school.

Still Me: Remember when I showed you that picture of a healthy lung and a lung of somebody who smoked? Do you want your lungs to look like that?? I don't even want to see you pretend-smoking. Ya hear me??

Beeb: Don't worry, Mom. I promise, I'm NEVER gonna smoke.

Me: Well, good.

Beeb: No matter how drunk I get.


END SCENE.


Beeb and I were on our way to an event sponsored by the Symphony which my inlaws (who are huge Symphony supporters) invited us to. Here, allow me to let y'all in on a lil secret about myself that nobody knows. Y'know how some people have a lucky shirt or a lucky tie or power suit or some article of clothing that gives them a little subconcious boost of confidence? Well, here's my secret.

I have Power Panties.

Unfortunately, I lack the dexterity to take a picture of my own ass, so I hope that a description will suffice. They're red string bikini panties with pink and white lipstick prints all over that say "pucker up". I don't know what the good people at Cacique are trying to commuicate by selling women's panties with women's lipstick prints on them (not that there's anything wrong with that), but they've become my "Kiss My Lily White Dimpled Ass" panties.

And I wear them whenever I know I'm going to be dealing with Certain People. Like FIL.

Yes, it's just a little passive-aggressive mind game I play. I find it so much easier to mess with people when they're completely unaware of it. Anything I can do to give my pathetically nonconfrontational self an edge.

Covert Undergarment Warfare.

So covert, in fact, that I'm the only one who knows about it. Well, and now YOU.

I don't even want to go into the details of the evening's events too much because although I enjoyed them, they'd probably be kinda boring to most people. But the highlight of the evening for me was the part when the principal violinists, violist, cellist and bassist were performing Eine Kleine Nachtmusik and I inexplicably reminded myself of the earlier conversation I'd had with Beebie in the car, forcing a fit of the Completely Inappropriate Silent Giggles that quite nearly made me pee in my Power Panties. Somehow, I managed to contain myself, thank God.

Afterwards came the Wine and Cheese Schmoozefest. Ugh. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but FIL is the undisputed King of the Schmooze. I was introduced by my MIL (per FIL's request) to one of the performers. Now, I've never been good at being a brown-noser, so just to throw the guy off (and hopefully shock FIL in the process), instead of complimenting him on his performance or the way he makes mastery of the instrument appear so deceptively easy, I told the man that he had the most perfect teeth I'd ever seen. It's true. This man's smile was absolutely flawless. Oh, and he is also an unbelievably talented musician. Mustn't leave that out.

Last night I dreamed that I was at a party that included a frighteningly realistic reinactment of the Titanic's sinking (wouldn't that be a wicked party theme?) and both Jim Halpert from Dunder Mifflin AND Alan Shore from Crane, Poole and Schmidt were there! I made out with Jim and left the party with Alan! Ha, I'm such a slut in my dreams. And the dream-party's entertainment was Lucy Lawless and Kenny Loggins.

Oh wait, that last part really happened. On Celebrity Duets.

WPN Continues

Sometimes I worry that eventually I'll log into my favorite online dating site and there will be no more freaks for me to post for you. Then I wake up and realize that there is clearly an endless pipeline of WPN fodder. Hooray!

Keep in mind that these people CHOOSE these pictures to be someone else's first impression of them.



"Hello? Yeah? Omigodareyouserious? Seriously? Hang on... I'll have the salmon. THE SALMON. Ok, I'm back. No, I'm not busy, I'm just on a date..."












Let's see... eyes closed, eating, wearing a cow-print jacket, that's pretty much the Bad Profile Picture Trifecta. Three strikes and yer out, sistah. (Damn, and I didn't even get to snark on the Dollar Store fake Lladros in the Curio.)













This lady looks like she tried out for the role of Regan in The Exorcist but, unfortunately, she was a little scarier than what the directors had in mind for THE SCARIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

What's that? Well, no, my mother does NOT suck cocks in hell, thank you very much.








I don't know what her tank top is all about and I don't care. I'm just tickled by the prominent placing of the Fly Swatter in this photo.








Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Miss Thing's last beau was NOT a dentist.

















I totally love when I don't even have to come up with a witty comment to make it funny.















Normally, I would have an issue with a creepy-looking dude posting a picture with himself and some little kids in it, but I'm pretty sure these kids are older than I am now.










Oh, so THAT'S what happened to Bobcat Goldthwait!












And this sexy man was sent in by loyal WPN luvvah, RuthlessNeverRuthie! My very first reader-submitted WPN candidate! Woo hoo!!!


The comedy here, believe it or not, isn't so much about the picture as what the guy writes about himself.

"i like to model for college art classes, i am a home nudist, i enjoy posing for photos, i like working on computers and i also sell insurance"

Now, I don't know 'bout ch'all, but the thought of a fuzzy, fat, nekkid insurance salesman is pretty much the ickiest thing I can think of right now. It's good to know that he's a "home nudist" and not an "office nudist", but it's unclear whether "home nudist" is exclusive to his home. I mean, what if he comes over to my house to discuss my insurance policy options???


And finally, this wasn't on the online dating site, but this dude was definitely aiming to make an impression. Here ya go.






Here's the actual video resume, if you've got 7 minutes to kill:

Two Big Wieners!

Ha, just think of the Google hits I'm gonna get now...

Turtlegirl and Denise knew I was supposed to order my mother a Large House Blend from Starbux. Yay! Simple Green for you!! Send me your info.


Next Question:

How much did Mr. Pie earn by eating a bite of anchovy pizza?

(Jeez, I wish I could get paid to eat, don't you?)


So I spent several hours yesterday going over the bank stuff and I think I figured out the problem.

We spend more than we make.

Yup, that's what it boils down to.


If you're sitting there thinking, "Gosh, I wish I could help my cool friend Penny... y'know, without much effort...", here are some options.

1. You may have noticed the Ad Sense ad right under the banner. If it's advertising something that interests you, you can click on it. I hate to be a sellout, but in order for me to enjoy the leisurely lifestyle that allows me to blog, I felt it was necessary. Has anybody made any significant money off of Ad Sense? I have no idea how it works, but I'll let you know if I get a check for 17 cents.

2. Check out what I'm selling on eBay! Right now I'm selling Halloween costumes that are too little for my kids. There's an orangutan, two matching monkeys (REALLY CUTE), Princess Jasmine and Madeline. I'll probably post some more stuff up there soon, so keep an eye on it. I've even got a link near the top of my sidebar that says "Buy Stuff From Me", just to make it easier for ya.

3. Or, if you're not in the market for a Halloween costume (and even if you are), sign up at Mypoints.com, and say witlikerapier AT yahoo DOT com referred you. Lemme tell ya a little sumthin about Mypoints. I've been doing it for several years now, and I've earned at least a couple hundred dollars in various gift cards just by reading my email and buying stuff I would buy anyway. It takes a while, but it's totally easy, and you guys KNOW I wouldn't endorse it if I thought it was a scam. They have good customer service too, which is always a plus.

4. On the subject of referrals, you can also help a sistah out by joining Paperbackswap.com or by ordering from Adagio Teas via the button on my sidebar (Adagio even has a $5 off coupon!).


Seriously, though, we'll be okay. We've gotten by for longer on less. I'm not worried yet.

I am worried, however, about my Cardinals. Ok, maybe not really worried, more like Gravely Concerned. If we don't win tonight, we'll have to win two games in New York. My man Spiezio isn't playing tonight.



Parenting Blunder #178,345

I spend a lot of my day screaming at the kids. In my own defense, it's mainly just so I can be heard over their screaming. I'm screaming to get them to stop screaming. Yeah, it's stupid. I'm sure Supernanny would rip me a new one.

So last night at bedtime I told the boys the story of the boy who cried "Wolf", hoping to convey the idea that when you scream ALL DAY, someday there's going to be an emergency where you really need to scream to get my attention and I won't know there's anything wrong because I'm so used to ignoring your screaming just to keep myself from beating the crap out of somebody.

Doesn't the kid get eaten by the wolf at the end of the story? He does when I tell it.

The boys lay there and cried. They couldn't fall asleep because they were both afraid a wolf was going to eat them. Yeah, that kinda backfired. I tried for about forty minutes to convince them that I made the whole story up and that wolves don't really eat people.

Then I re-told the story only this time I told it about two brothers who were playing in their backyard and screaming really loud and their mom came out and the neighbors came out because they thought something must be really bad if there were two little boys screaming that loud. And then the climax of the story is when one of the brothers gets his foot stuck in a hole and can't get out so they're screaming for their mom and for the neighbors but nobody comes because they the little boys are just playing.

Bottom line is that the new term for screaming is "The Emergency Voice". It's reserved for blood and fire and other emergencies. Improper use of the Emergency Voice is subject to severe punishment (insert wolf howling sound effect). Should be an interesting Halloween.

And did I mention I'm selling Halloween costumes?

A Note From Epstein's Mother

So I don't have the latest Blogstalking (medicine cabinet) assignment ready to post, but I have what I think is a valid excuse.

I was updating the bank statement this morning while the boys were at school (I'll save you the time of looking through the blog to see when was the last time I did it. Um, more than two months ago), and as I blithely zoomed through it to see if I could actually afford to pay the good people at Chase, I came out with an end balance about $600 more than the bank says I should have. I'm inclined to believe that I'm more likely to make a mathematical mistake than the bank is.

Which leaves us about $500 for the next two weeks.

Sigh.

See? This is EXACTLY why I hate updating Money.

Of course I'm aware of the irony that if I'd do it with any regularity, I would see how little I have and quit spending so much and I wouldn't end up with red numbers all the time.

Gotta go find some stuff to sell on eBay...

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I'm Slow. Shut Up.

I'm just gonna go ahead and make today Poo-pourri Day. There's a buncha stuff I want to cover. Beginning with -

Sigh. There's just no way to preface it.

Screech has made a sex video.

THE Screech. From Saved By The Bell.


THIS GUY.



















There should seriously be a word for how FAR from horny I am right now.

According to TMZ.com, the tape begins with Dustin "Screech" Diamond "in a bathtub, narrating what's to come. It ends with Diamond introducing one of the women to a 'Dirty Sanchez.' Suffice it say, it is unbelievably graphic."

Here's the interview.

(NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with the term Dirty Sanchez, I'm sure as hell not going to explain it to you, so don't ask.)

Yeeeeeah.

Anyway, I felt kinda obligated to inform you about the Screech Sex Video.

Oh, and here's a lil bonus just cuz I love you.

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?



What else? Um... lemme think. Oh, it's TV Talk Friday, so let's discuss some of my favorite shows, shall we? Did you watch 30 Rock with my idol, The Brilliant Tina Fey? I LOVED IT. I have such an impure crush on Alec Baldwin. You can watch the premiere episode here at NBC.com.

I'm not really committed to Dancing With the Stars, sorry to anyone I'm disappointing. Tuesday nights are dramafied enough without staring at Joey Lawrence's lumpy bald head. Wednesdays is Top Model, which, for my money, is one of the most entertaining shows on TV. I was sad to see Megg have to go, but she really wasn't bringing her rockin' personality into her photos. The photo shoot for the week was a really cool freakshow theme. AJ was The Cannibal, and my other favorite was Carridee as the Elephant Lady. Jaeda needs to step up her game, and Melrose, however well-intended she thinks she is, needs to shut the hell up.

Last night, of course, was Earl, Office, Survivor and ER. I really want to check out Ugly Betty, too, but there's just so many hours in the day. I'll go ahead and let you know that next week I plan to watch Cardinal Baseball until there is no more Cardinal Baseball, so my regular TV recaps might be affected, but I'll do what I can.

(GO CARDS! Scott Spiezio is my new best friend.)

Earl was awesome this week. I loved the flashback scene with Randy always trying to be what his girlfriends wanted him to be. I think my favorite line was "Did Martin Luther King's dream have any aliens in it?" And I also loved Amy Sedaris's faux knitting! I'm sure the knitters caught it, and it was so overt that probably non-knitters even caught it too. I love how that show never disappoints me.

I didn't see much of The Office and I didn't tape it because I was already taping Survivor. Can I just ask what the eff is up with that chick with the blue knee-highs? She just totally weirds me out. And don't even get me started on that Cao Boi dude. Every time he speaks the Michael Palin voice in my head says "What a strange person" (in reference to the French soldier from Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

I didn't get to watch all of Office because I was reading the boys a new book called Bark, George. It's about a puppy who makes other animals' sounds and then his mom takes him to a vet and the vet sticks his hand down George's throat and pulls all the other animals out. Tito laughed so hard he was doing one of those laughs that don't make any noise. I laughed at him laughing.

The boys both had great days yesterday. I have to remember that days like yesterday are why I started blogging in the first place - to remind myself that every once in a while I manage to get something right. I need to document those days more often, even though I personally don't think they're as much fun to read about as the days when everything falls to hell around me.

First of all, Tito has been using his little potty seat consistently for two whole days now! We still have to work on the poop thing, but I don't have to tell you this is major, MAJOR progress. He even peed on the potty AT SCHOOL twice this week. I think we're in the home stretch.

I had made a little chart for him that had the letters in Creation Station (remember Creepy Linda with her boobs on her tummy?)



Well, this is Tito's favorite place in THE WORLD. So this was to be a stellar reward for his recent almost-mastery of the Potty. Now, how Creation Station works is that they have only a few sessions on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and they only give out so many tickets each session. I was aware of this, so I called ahead to make sure there would be tickets for us when we got there. The man I spoke to asked me how many were in my group and said it shouldn't be a problem.

Well, when we got there, some bitchlet snagged the last four tickets. I tried to explain to the guy "Ummmm... but I just called you..." but they're not allowed to save tickets for people who call in. Fine. I understand, but it's still shitty. I didn't want to hang out for the next hour and a half until the next session, so I told the boys we would have to leave and come back another day.

Poor Tito bawled.

I carried him to the car, and I talked to him softly saying I knew he was disappointed and I was sad too because I love to see him having fun. I told him we did our best but sometimes in life, somebody else gets the last one. He sniffled a little bit on the way home, but I was really surprised at how quickly he got over it. I told him I was proud of him for handling it like a big kid. He didn't let it ruin his day. That was huge.

Later, the boys helped me put away their clean laundry and when the laundry baskets were empty I asked them to take them to the basement for me. At some point - and I didn't see this so I don't know for sure whether or not it was an accident but I decided to assume that it was - Tito's basket hit Pie in the nose.

Normally, when something happens to Pie I find out about it in a roundabout way. More often than not, what happens is Tito comes running to me screaming that Pie hurt him. I ask a few more questions and quickly determine that Pie was actually the victim. And then he got pissed off and attempted to even the score on his own.

This time, however, Tito came running up the basement stairs first saying "I sorry! I sorry! I sorry Pie! I sorry Mommy!!" and Pie came up after, sobbing softly. I asked Pie what happened, and he said that Tito had hit him in the nose with the basket. And then I asked Tito if Pie had hit him back, and Tito said "no, Pie no hit me". Probably because he ran up the stairs so quick Pie didn't have a chance.

I commended Pie for coming to tell me what happened instead of going all Vigilante Justice and hitting Tito back - before coming to tell on him. I emphasized how nice it was to have him explain the problem so I can understand what he's upset about and help him. That way he gets hugs and kisses instead of having to sit on the Trouble Mat. I made a fuss over how well he had shown good Self-Control. I think it actually made sense to him.

He and I had a productive conversation about how he and I both get really really angry sometimes. I pointed out to him that usually when he gets in trouble, it's because he got angry at someone and did something he shouldn't have. He's slowly figuring out that it's silly to get yourself in trouble by retaliating when you could just tell on the person that's bothering you and then THEY get in trouble and you don't. What a concept. So we are both going to work on our Anger Management Skillz.

So that's why I was proud of both of my boys on Thursday. Wanna know why I was proud of myself? I cleaned out the refrigerator. I hate doing it because I hate facing the fact that we wasted food, but there was some full-on FUNK in there. And there was some stuff in there that somehow migrated with us from the old apartment. I don't even want to talk about it.

Yeah, an old bottle of freakin' barbecue sauce found us at our new address, and Farter Cable couldn't.

Oh, and I just might have a Farter Cable update for you soon. But here's a little joke someone passed on to me recently:

What's the difference between Farter Cable and Satan?

At least Satan has some worshippers.

Still Wookin!

Ok, I'm gonna go ahead and preface this with the disclaimer that I KNOW these aren't nearly as funny as the Blue Footed Booby Girl in last week's post. You're all just going to have to accept her a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon. Deal.

Let's move on to this week's unsavories. As always, these are actual profile photos from an online dating website.



Again with the scrunchies!
How old ARE you??
















Is she snarling on purpose or is her necklace too tight?












That's just an ungodly amount of AquaNet.














Her profile says she's 25.
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.















Nuthin says sexy like a look of total desperation. Is it the ridiculously awkward pose, the exploding poof of bangs, the feeble attempt at a come-hither look through her too-big-for-her-face glasses, the black feathers or the fact that she's probably topless underneath the black feathers that bugs me most about this picture? I can't decide.


Oh, wait - I'm pretty sure it's the topless part.




At first glance, I thought, Hey, when did Harry Potter grow Boobs? This is Shannon, posing seductively to give the guys a lil peek at her great rack... and her BOOB ZITS! GIH!!










And now, the guys -




If a grown man in a Boy Scout Uniform isn't creepy enough for you, get this - his username is Goodnsticky.

Tell me THAT'S not totally fuckin sick.













Check it out - it's EARL!











What's that collar about? And look on the wall - what's that a map of?

I guess when your dad is Christopher Walken, you can be as weird as you want.













Boy, doesn't this guy look like a fun date? Looks like he just stumbled in after getting his ass kicked in a bar fight.













Cue the 1970's cheesy porn music.

Abowchickabow BAAAAA WOW chickabow...














"Oh, come on, Mom! I don't wanna stand by the flowers for a picture. No. NO!!! Awwww, dammit, Mom - fine! CHEESE!!!

There, are you HAPPY now?? It's not gonna help me find a girlfriend, Mom. No, it's NOT! I don't CARE if you want grandchildren! Oh, for Christ's sake, shut UP, Mother!!!

Ok, that's it! I swear to God, I am TOTALLY going to move out of the basement - really, really soon!"