Wednesday, October 18, 2006

WPN Continues

Sometimes I worry that eventually I'll log into my favorite online dating site and there will be no more freaks for me to post for you. Then I wake up and realize that there is clearly an endless pipeline of WPN fodder. Hooray!

Keep in mind that these people CHOOSE these pictures to be someone else's first impression of them.

"Hello? Yeah? Omigodareyouserious? Seriously? Hang on... I'll have the salmon. THE SALMON. Ok, I'm back. No, I'm not busy, I'm just on a date..."

Let's see... eyes closed, eating, wearing a cow-print jacket, that's pretty much the Bad Profile Picture Trifecta. Three strikes and yer out, sistah. (Damn, and I didn't even get to snark on the Dollar Store fake Lladros in the Curio.)

This lady looks like she tried out for the role of Regan in The Exorcist but, unfortunately, she was a little scarier than what the directors had in mind for THE SCARIEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME.

What's that? Well, no, my mother does NOT suck cocks in hell, thank you very much.

I don't know what her tank top is all about and I don't care. I'm just tickled by the prominent placing of the Fly Swatter in this photo.

Ok, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess that Miss Thing's last beau was NOT a dentist.

I totally love when I don't even have to come up with a witty comment to make it funny.

Normally, I would have an issue with a creepy-looking dude posting a picture with himself and some little kids in it, but I'm pretty sure these kids are older than I am now.

Oh, so THAT'S what happened to Bobcat Goldthwait!

And this sexy man was sent in by loyal WPN luvvah, RuthlessNeverRuthie! My very first reader-submitted WPN candidate! Woo hoo!!!

The comedy here, believe it or not, isn't so much about the picture as what the guy writes about himself.

"i like to model for college art classes, i am a home nudist, i enjoy posing for photos, i like working on computers and i also sell insurance"

Now, I don't know 'bout ch'all, but the thought of a fuzzy, fat, nekkid insurance salesman is pretty much the ickiest thing I can think of right now. It's good to know that he's a "home nudist" and not an "office nudist", but it's unclear whether "home nudist" is exclusive to his home. I mean, what if he comes over to my house to discuss my insurance policy options???

And finally, this wasn't on the online dating site, but this dude was definitely aiming to make an impression. Here ya go.

Here's the actual video resume, if you've got 7 minutes to kill:


helen said...

*snort* that video takes the CAKE!

SiressYorkie said...

I would not only NOT hire that whack job, I'd clutch my offspring to my chest and run screaming the other way if I even whiffed him approaching. WHAT. A. FREAK. I don't think he would bleed blood...I think he'd bleed sperm, he's so laden with testosterone. (barfs copiously into a paper sack)

Sarah said...

Perhaps tonight's traumatic fairy tale can be about what happens if you don't listen to your mother's sage advice about minimum standards of personal hygiene and wind up posting creepy bare nipple photos on the internet because they are 47 year old virgins living in their mother's basement and it is the only way they can think of to get an email from a real live girl?

C'mon - that's way scarier than man-eating wolves.

turtlegirl76 said...

Oh my. Are there any normal people on this site? Wow. Just. Wow.

And the video won't play for me. Wahhhhhh!

Stacie said...

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I have to go wash my eyeballs now...

OldLadyPenPal said...

I just love you so so so much.

DomesticOverlord said...

DUde! It's Alekey! I haven't seen that guy since I kicked his ass in a secret world martial arts tournament that took place in a system of caves under Woodstock, New York.

I think Dwight Shrute from The Office may be based on him.

Bezzie said...

DO's right, he is a total Dwight Shrute! Good god he even looks like him!

But I must say what weirds me out the most is when I loaded your page today, the new ads at the top were both for Sex Offender Registries.

Ali said...

I don't know which of your comments are the funniest, the one with the guy and the children or the nudist salesman. You are so spot on with both snarks. Love it!

Dating said...

I just love you so so so much