Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, I'm Slow. Shut Up.

I'm just gonna go ahead and make today Poo-pourri Day. There's a buncha stuff I want to cover. Beginning with -

Sigh. There's just no way to preface it.

Screech has made a sex video.

THE Screech. From Saved By The Bell.


THIS GUY.



















There should seriously be a word for how FAR from horny I am right now.

According to TMZ.com, the tape begins with Dustin "Screech" Diamond "in a bathtub, narrating what's to come. It ends with Diamond introducing one of the women to a 'Dirty Sanchez.' Suffice it say, it is unbelievably graphic."

Here's the interview.

(NOTE: If you are unfamiliar with the term Dirty Sanchez, I'm sure as hell not going to explain it to you, so don't ask.)

Yeeeeeah.

Anyway, I felt kinda obligated to inform you about the Screech Sex Video.

Oh, and here's a lil bonus just cuz I love you.

Which "Saved By The Bell" Character Are You?



What else? Um... lemme think. Oh, it's TV Talk Friday, so let's discuss some of my favorite shows, shall we? Did you watch 30 Rock with my idol, The Brilliant Tina Fey? I LOVED IT. I have such an impure crush on Alec Baldwin. You can watch the premiere episode here at NBC.com.

I'm not really committed to Dancing With the Stars, sorry to anyone I'm disappointing. Tuesday nights are dramafied enough without staring at Joey Lawrence's lumpy bald head. Wednesdays is Top Model, which, for my money, is one of the most entertaining shows on TV. I was sad to see Megg have to go, but she really wasn't bringing her rockin' personality into her photos. The photo shoot for the week was a really cool freakshow theme. AJ was The Cannibal, and my other favorite was Carridee as the Elephant Lady. Jaeda needs to step up her game, and Melrose, however well-intended she thinks she is, needs to shut the hell up.

Last night, of course, was Earl, Office, Survivor and ER. I really want to check out Ugly Betty, too, but there's just so many hours in the day. I'll go ahead and let you know that next week I plan to watch Cardinal Baseball until there is no more Cardinal Baseball, so my regular TV recaps might be affected, but I'll do what I can.

(GO CARDS! Scott Spiezio is my new best friend.)

Earl was awesome this week. I loved the flashback scene with Randy always trying to be what his girlfriends wanted him to be. I think my favorite line was "Did Martin Luther King's dream have any aliens in it?" And I also loved Amy Sedaris's faux knitting! I'm sure the knitters caught it, and it was so overt that probably non-knitters even caught it too. I love how that show never disappoints me.

I didn't see much of The Office and I didn't tape it because I was already taping Survivor. Can I just ask what the eff is up with that chick with the blue knee-highs? She just totally weirds me out. And don't even get me started on that Cao Boi dude. Every time he speaks the Michael Palin voice in my head says "What a strange person" (in reference to the French soldier from Monty Python and the Holy Grail).

I didn't get to watch all of Office because I was reading the boys a new book called Bark, George. It's about a puppy who makes other animals' sounds and then his mom takes him to a vet and the vet sticks his hand down George's throat and pulls all the other animals out. Tito laughed so hard he was doing one of those laughs that don't make any noise. I laughed at him laughing.

The boys both had great days yesterday. I have to remember that days like yesterday are why I started blogging in the first place - to remind myself that every once in a while I manage to get something right. I need to document those days more often, even though I personally don't think they're as much fun to read about as the days when everything falls to hell around me.

First of all, Tito has been using his little potty seat consistently for two whole days now! We still have to work on the poop thing, but I don't have to tell you this is major, MAJOR progress. He even peed on the potty AT SCHOOL twice this week. I think we're in the home stretch.

I had made a little chart for him that had the letters in Creation Station (remember Creepy Linda with her boobs on her tummy?)



Well, this is Tito's favorite place in THE WORLD. So this was to be a stellar reward for his recent almost-mastery of the Potty. Now, how Creation Station works is that they have only a few sessions on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, and they only give out so many tickets each session. I was aware of this, so I called ahead to make sure there would be tickets for us when we got there. The man I spoke to asked me how many were in my group and said it shouldn't be a problem.

Well, when we got there, some bitchlet snagged the last four tickets. I tried to explain to the guy "Ummmm... but I just called you..." but they're not allowed to save tickets for people who call in. Fine. I understand, but it's still shitty. I didn't want to hang out for the next hour and a half until the next session, so I told the boys we would have to leave and come back another day.

Poor Tito bawled.

I carried him to the car, and I talked to him softly saying I knew he was disappointed and I was sad too because I love to see him having fun. I told him we did our best but sometimes in life, somebody else gets the last one. He sniffled a little bit on the way home, but I was really surprised at how quickly he got over it. I told him I was proud of him for handling it like a big kid. He didn't let it ruin his day. That was huge.

Later, the boys helped me put away their clean laundry and when the laundry baskets were empty I asked them to take them to the basement for me. At some point - and I didn't see this so I don't know for sure whether or not it was an accident but I decided to assume that it was - Tito's basket hit Pie in the nose.

Normally, when something happens to Pie I find out about it in a roundabout way. More often than not, what happens is Tito comes running to me screaming that Pie hurt him. I ask a few more questions and quickly determine that Pie was actually the victim. And then he got pissed off and attempted to even the score on his own.

This time, however, Tito came running up the basement stairs first saying "I sorry! I sorry! I sorry Pie! I sorry Mommy!!" and Pie came up after, sobbing softly. I asked Pie what happened, and he said that Tito had hit him in the nose with the basket. And then I asked Tito if Pie had hit him back, and Tito said "no, Pie no hit me". Probably because he ran up the stairs so quick Pie didn't have a chance.

I commended Pie for coming to tell me what happened instead of going all Vigilante Justice and hitting Tito back - before coming to tell on him. I emphasized how nice it was to have him explain the problem so I can understand what he's upset about and help him. That way he gets hugs and kisses instead of having to sit on the Trouble Mat. I made a fuss over how well he had shown good Self-Control. I think it actually made sense to him.

He and I had a productive conversation about how he and I both get really really angry sometimes. I pointed out to him that usually when he gets in trouble, it's because he got angry at someone and did something he shouldn't have. He's slowly figuring out that it's silly to get yourself in trouble by retaliating when you could just tell on the person that's bothering you and then THEY get in trouble and you don't. What a concept. So we are both going to work on our Anger Management Skillz.

So that's why I was proud of both of my boys on Thursday. Wanna know why I was proud of myself? I cleaned out the refrigerator. I hate doing it because I hate facing the fact that we wasted food, but there was some full-on FUNK in there. And there was some stuff in there that somehow migrated with us from the old apartment. I don't even want to talk about it.

Yeah, an old bottle of freakin' barbecue sauce found us at our new address, and Farter Cable couldn't.

Oh, and I just might have a Farter Cable update for you soon. But here's a little joke someone passed on to me recently:

What's the difference between Farter Cable and Satan?

At least Satan has some worshippers.