What else do I talk about here?

So if I'm not talking about Poofingers, Pottytraining, FIL or Knitting (which I actually do, despite the lack of evidence, you're just going to have to trust me on this), I'm talking about reality shows.

First of all, how STOOPID is Janelle to not put up Mike and Will when she had the chance? Grrrrrrrrr.

Not half as fookin stoopid as whoever came up with the idea of Celebrity Duets.

Oh, and look carefully for a funny typo or two on the website (the below paragraph copy/pasted directly from Fox.com):


* DON'T MISS A SPECIAL ENCORE TONIGHT 8/7c! *

Lucy Lawless, Cheech Marin, Carly Patterson, Alfonso Ribeiro, Jai Rodriguez, Hal Sparks and Lea Thompson are the remaining sever celebrities who will compete on CELEBRITY DUETS. Beginning Thursday, September 7, you can catch the live performace show at 9/8c. Then tune in each Friday at 9/8c to see the results!


Yeah, didja catch it? SEVER celebrities. If you ask me, I think Fox needs to Sever their ties to this show. Oh, and they misspelled Performance too, perhaps because whomever has the legal rights to the word Performance didn't want THIS show associated with it.


Did anybody else see it, or did I dream it? It was LIVE, starting at 10pm, which seemed really late for a live show (note from R: it was pre-empted by the Rams game. Sorry, I didn't realize there was a Rams game last night...and apparently neither did the Rams). And if the caliber of celebrities isn't enough to inspire you to set your Tivo, the celebrity judges are David Foster, Marie Osmond, and Little Richard.

It was seriously like the most ridiculous, ill-conceived trainwreck of a show I've ever seen. And I've watched SHIT, y'all. Shit that even flies won't swarm around. Case in point - Remember the Fox show Unanimous? Of course you don't. Nobody watched it. But I watched it. And it SUCKED. SUCKED HARD. At least Skating With Celebrities was unintentionally hilarious.

The best part of Celebrity Duets, in my opinion, (other than Lea Thompson's amusingly HORRIFIC outfits) was the camera panning the audience to show My Beloved Snarkmistress KATHY GRIFFIN!!! I can't even wait to hear what visciousness she'll unleash regarding this utterly craptacular gathering of dubious celebrities.

When you read the celebrity/singer pairings and the songs they performed, it totally sounds like a really bad dream, or even a hallucination. For example, Cheech Marin sang "Baby, I Love Your Way" with Peter Frampton. I think I may have actually dreamed that exact scenario once, when I was on painkillers and antibiotics for a kidney infection. Said kidney infection, incidentally, was shorter in duration and considerably less painful than this show.

I turned the show on just in time to see a blonde Lucy Lawless (who is best-known to most people as Xena: Warrior Princess) singing "Time, Love and Tenderness" with Michael Bolton.
See?? Doesn't it sound like I'm making this shit up? I swear to God I'm not.

Olympic Gold Medal-winning Gymnast Carly Patterson sang "Somewhere Out There" (the Fievel Mousekewitz song) with James Ingram. Carly, Carly, Carly. Honey. I appreciate... your willingness to... bahahahahahahahahaha!!! How does Paula Abdul always think of something nice to say, and then say it with a straight face? I sure the fuck can't.

Did I really need to hear Alfonso Ribiero beg me not to let the sun go down on him? Did that enhance my life in any way? Um, NO.

Jai Rodriguez sang with Gladys Knight, and was by far my favorite performance of the night. How old is Jai? He totally had a vintage Ricky Martin* thing going. Jai's probably too young to remember Menudo on ABC. And just as a side note, isn't actual Mexican menudo (the food), like cow intestines or something? I remember when I first moved to San Antonio, I kept thinking that the singing group Menudo was coming to every single Mexican restaurant in the city.

*Please don't snark on me like I'm slamming Latinos, K? I'm NOT. I meant it as a compliment. Jai was GOOD. Ricky is GOOD. I've just been wondering why they named the band Menudo ever since I found out what Menudo actually is.

Hal Sparks (who is SO cute, btw) sang "Tracks of My Tears" with Smokey Robinson, and was surprisingly good too.

Lea Thompson looked like Tina Fey dressed as a truckstop hooker and sang like a really bad Cher impersonator. The Esteemed Judges complimented her on "Singing Harmony" with Randy Travis. I kinda thought it was just a diplomatic way of telling her she wasn't singing the same notes as he was.

Chris Jericho, who's apparently a famous wrestler, sang with LeeAnn Womack some song I've never heard before.

So how the show works (a verb I use loosely in this context) is that each Semi-Famous For Something Other Than Singing celebrity pairs with two different Actually Famous For Singing celebrities. So at 11pm, they did another whole round of songs. LIVE.

The next time around, Lea sang a Frank Sinatra song with Michael Bolton, Carly Patterson sang a LeeAnn Womack song with LeeAnn Womack (do you think the song choice of "I Hope You Dance" kinda implies "I hope you DON'T SING?"), Alfonso Ribiero sang "Ya Mo Be There" with James Imgram (I don't know what that song actually means, but I know it's one of my least favorite songs of all time), and then, mercifully, I fell asleep.

So yes, I'll be watching the Encore episode tonight.
And I'm totally taping it next week.