Saturday, September 09, 2006

My advice for wacky fun:

Make friends with the WalMart Customer Service Desk workers. They have the BEST stories.

Today I heard about a customer who attempted to return an empty bottle of lotion, her Reason For Return starting out as "the plastic bottle was defective and the lid came off by itself and it spilled out" and when the manager inspected the bottle and found nothing wrong with it, her story became "it must have evaporated". This same customer had once attempted to "return" a magazine. The magazine had a torn mailing address label on it.

WalMart kinda set themselves up to be challenged on returns with what used to be an unbelievably lenient return policy, but apparently too many people abused it, and now they're layin' the smack down. No, you can't return an empty bottle of lotion or a magazine that you've subscribed to. Sorry. I think I might actually kinda like the job of WalMart Customer Smackdown Agent.

And, moving on, have you ever been in a strange situation where you think of an Old Wives' Tale/Home Remedy that applies, but you can only remember part of it? Or maybe more of a Half-Remembered Hints From Heloise kind of thing?

Let me set it up -

On Wednesday I got my hair cut for the first time since Memorial Day. I hate spending $40 for a haircut, but she made my hair look pretty good, and I was happy with it. Fast forward to the end of the day when I fell asleep without washing it. Thursday morning was aerobics and I got up and put on my outfit thinking I'd take a shower when I got back. Well, instead I ran a whole bunch of errands and came home to chill for a bit until I realized it was time to go pick up the food we ordered for Market Day at Beeb's school.

I didn't really have time to take a shower and wash, dry, and attempt to style my hair, so here's where my brain thinks it remembers hearing or reading something about how when you don't have time to wash your hair and it's starting to look a lil greasy, you should sprinkle cornstarch in it.

WHY did this enter my mind as a feasible solution? Is there even the tiniest bit of truth to it? Is it a valid Heloise Hint or an Old Wives' Tale/ Home Remedy or am I combining totally unrelated remedies or something? WHY did I think this would work? I have no idea. But I convinced myself it would. I took a teaspoon and sprinkled it, a little at a time, into the part of my hair, where it looked the slimiest.

The best I can come up with as far as the chronology of my thinking process, is that I thought baby powder would work, then I realized I have no baby powder, and immediately I remembered seeing Cornstarch as a key ingredient in baby powder.

So I think that must be how my brain got from point A to point B, only the thought took place subconciously in the blink of an eye, before I had time to pass it through my "logic" filter, which, granted, isn't 100% accurate anyway. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but now, looking back, I can't believe I thought it would work.

You probably know what cornstarch does to gravy, right?

It turned the part of my hair, which maybe didn't look that bad to begin with, into a gunky white mess. Remember Bride Of Frankenstein? Yeah. And now that I'd wasted the time sprinkling baking products into my scalp, I had even less time to make myself presentable. So I ended up doing what I should have done in the first place.

I put on a damn HAT.

So today I went online to research this Questionable Home Remedy, to see if I could figure out why I even thought of it. Apparently, cornstarch works as a dry shampoo FOR DOGS. It can also be used to get serious grease like Vaseline out of your hair, but you have to WASH IT OUT. That's the part I forgot. Plus, my hair wasn't seriously greasy to begin with, so it really didn't even warrant a cornstarch treatment anyway. I'm an idiot.

Bonus: Cornstarch Tip from

Store some cornstarch in a glass jar in your bathroom. Keep in mind that cornstarch can be messy. Use as little as possible. Pour a little cornstarch into a saucer. Dip the tips of your fingers in the powder and then dab on the oily areas of your hair. Fluff gently. Use a paddle brush to remove. Don't forget to rinse the brush after use.

Cornstarch or any dry shampoo can be very messy. Remember that a little bit goes a long way so limit your use of the powder as much as possible.

I tried the fluffing thing. Didn't try a paddle brush.

Turns out, cornstarch also works well as a home remedy for JOCK ITCH. Duly noted.

And finally, in Celebrity Duets News:

Caroline has left the City.


Elspeth said...

It's baby powder for humans, I've heard. I've used it (put it on your brush, then brush your hair) but it never did help much.

"Caroline" was a really bad singer!

lynnm said...

Did you see Marie Osmond mouth "I love chocolate" when Alfonso sang? Cracked me up!

Bezzie said...

Thickens gravy AND freshens hair!

Jennifer said...

The visual I'm getting from the cornstarch story is priceless. Hat indeed!

OldLadyPenPal said...

Do I love you more for putting cornstarch in your hair, you weirdo, or do I love you more for sharing the story?

Say what you will, nothing will make WalMart appealing to me!

Ducktastic said...

I always super-dry my hair if I need to run out, and my hair is greasy.

Pretty damn funny story, though. ;)

Genki said...

Yeah, I've used talcum powder, just dabbed it on my hairline and part with my finger. But my hair is pretty light, so it doesn't show too bad. I can't believe you sprinkled corn startch!

Anonymous said...

So, this is Shimer!

Penny Karma said...

What's Shimer?

Michael, are you stalking me again? Cuz I'm still not the Sarah you apparently think I am.

Anonymous said...

There are so many different people with the name of Sarah and there are so many different people with the name of Michael. For example, there is the Biblical Sarah and there is the Biblical archangel Michael. Since I cannot know which Sarah you are, especially since you seem to have many different special guests on your show, I'll grant you that you are "not the Sarah you apparently think I am."

But this word "stalking" that you use is a very interesting word, isn't it? Is it being used to intimidate unwanted guests? I guess we should start with the question, what is "stalking"? What is the legal definition of "stalking"? Can you "stalk" a blog open to the public? Am I not free to read what is written and respond to what has been written if you allow comments on your site? "Stalking" is a very slippery word that would seem to privilge you as a female character, since you are assuming that I am a man and I am assuming that you are a woman. I don't think that you are using stalking in a proper way since you are allowing for anonymous comments, but if this Michael is stalking you then you should contact the police and have a criminal restraint order placed on him.

Penny Karma said...

I just wanted to know what you meant by the earlier comment "So This Is Shimer". I hope you'll clarify that for me so I can understand if it was meant as a compliment.

I am assuming you're the same anonymous person who used to maintain a bizarre blog dedicated to the substance of a liberal art education, mentioning Shimer College therein quite often.

If you are in fact THAT Michael, you addressed me once on my blog in a way that shocked and offended me, accusing me and "my crew" of causing harm to you. I assured you that I did not attend Shimer College, so you clearly had me confused with someone else. I was hoping I wouldn't hear from you again after that.

You're welcome to read my blog. I hope it amuses you. Obviously, I can't control who reads it or what their comments are. I just really don't understand your inane rants. And I don't feel like wasting my time and energy arguing the semantics of the word "stalking" with you.

And as of now, Anonymous Comments are no longer accepted.

Penny Karma said...

For the record, here's who I think YOU think I am:

Leopold von Sacher-Masoch said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Leopold von Sacher-Masoch said...

It's a shame that you didn't define how you were using "stalking," because it's a word that you like to use for people that you don't want to talk to.

I still don't know who this Michael is that you keep talking about, but he must mean a lot to you if you bring him up to anonymous strangers! Yes, he must be on your mind quite a bit. If so, I hope this Michael is good-looking, because it would be a shame to have someone right at the tip of the tongue so speak and he isn't even worth having a sexual fantasy about. Ah, yes... that reminds me of what I wanted to talk to you about.

The topic that has been interesting me recently as I have been reading your blog for the last few months now is sadomasochism. I can't claim to be an expert on this peculiar practice, so I checked in the dictionary to find out what it means. I was surprised that the definition of sadomasochism is "the derivation of pleasure from the infliction of physical or mental pain either on others or on oneself." Since your blog isn't very dirty, except for a few questionable pictures of children, I am more interested in exploring the aspect of sadomasochism that involves deriving amusement from inflicting mental pain on others.

You see the sadomasochist amuses him or herself from causing harm to others. Is this a bad thing? Well, I am not a psychologist nor am I priest, although I have suffered through more than one sermon in my life and I can't say that I have benefited from psychotherapy! Since I firmly believe in freedom of speech and intellectual freedom, the question is not necessarily whether a person should be allowed to use words--whether spoken or written--to potentially harm someone. How many different issues are raised even by that poorly written sentence!

Let me get to my point, which you'll have to forgive if I repeat, if I don't make myself clear right away. I do have a had habit of repeating myself until I have clearly driven my point home. I don't think it's a problem if you (or anyone else for that matter) practices his or her freedom of speech to ridicule or mock someone. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO CRITICIZE OR RIDICULE WHOMEVER YOU WANT.

But does not a lot of the pleasure that a person derives from mocking someone else depend on the pain that the person assumes that the other person is receiving as a result of his or her speech? What if the person that you think that you are hurting or scaring is being entertained by your speech? What if that person is asking him or herself the question: what are you getting from it? Of course, the simple answer is that he or she is either amusing himself or others. (Even in the case of revenge, which is highly recommended by Freud in many of his essays as a very therapeutic practice, does result in a kind of pleasure for the lucky person who achieves a successful revenge.) But how much of the readers' and the writer's pleasure depend on the suffering of the object of ridicule? This is the question that your blog has inspired and that I look forward to discussing with you. If this offends you, you'll have to forgive my poor manners, but if I'm a bit of a sadomasochist too, then I will only derive more pleasure from your discomfort. It's puzzling, isn't it, how human beings relate to each other? Let's unpack this together by teasing out the philosophical and ethical implications in this rather informal space for a casual discussion amongst strangers.

Poops said...

Penny. Honey.

You attract some FREAKS.

You could have your own reality show. I'd watch it.

Love you more than my luggage...

Penny Karma said...

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