All right, who watched it??

Curse you, Mike Boogie! And why does he feel like he has to send a billion Shout Outs (or is it Shouts Out?) to all his buddies at home like he's this big stud? Last night while we were watching the show, I sacrastically said, "Oooooh, yer a big stud, Mike Boogie!" and Tito parrotted back, "OOOH! You big suck my booger!"

I hate when it comes down to two coat-tailing players in the Final Two. I'd vote for Erika just because I don't want Boogie's wannabe ass to win.

And then it was time for (drumroll) Celebrity Duets! I think of myself as a pretty good writer, but I'm concerned that my vocabulary lacks the verbage that can adequately convey exactly how much this show SUCKS. I tuned in early enough to see the opening bit, with Lea Thompson's creepy little shoulder-shake shimmy thing and Alfonso Ribiero's goofy hand gesture that looks like he's throwing signs to Isaac from the Love Boat.

I wonder if perhaps the show's creators realized that it might be difficult for the contestants to take criticism from a 73-year-old man in a white sequined turtleneck/blazer ensemble and a slightly askew Shiny Mullet wig, so it looks like it's Little Richard's job to make absurdly vague comments to the contestants. Seriously, what would your reaction be if Little Richard told you,

"Oh mah goodness, yes you did! Yes you did! Andhewasoverhereandhewasoverthereandeverythingand,
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY!!"

Ummmm, thanks?

It's kinda like Old School Nipsey Russell plus Eddie Murphy doing the James Brown RubbaDubintheHotTubFullaWatah. Like you can catch a few words that rhyme, but most of what he says comes out like jibberish puncutated with his trademarked interjection, the vibrato "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I'm also wondering if somebody told Marie Osmond to incorporate a witty remark utilizing each contestant's name when giving her critique. I tried to make mental notes of these (I thought about writing it all down, then I thought that taking notes on Celebrity Duets just might make me the most pathetic creature alive), and the ones I remember are "Hal to the Chief", and "They Love Lucy". She made some ridiculous little quip for everybody. It was effin weak. Give it up, Marie.

David Foster is clearly the designated badass of the three. And if you're not a badass compared to Marie Osmond and Little Richard, well, then you're a total fucking pussy.

At Press Time, the Celebrity Duets website hadn't been updated (hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...), so here's your recap. I'd give a spoiler alert, but I don't think I can really spoil THIS show. Edit - read the Official Recap here. Mine's funnier.

Cutiepoo Hal Sparks sang "I Wanna Know What Love Is" with Wynonna, who appeared to be wrapped in a large rug. And then he dry humped her on the stage. Think I'm kidding?

Lucy Lawless sang "Whenever I call you Friend" with Kenny Loggins, and she messed up the words. It was funny. Has Kenny Loggins aged a day since Footloose? He has a bit of a Dick Clark School of Self-Preservation thing going on. Maybe he keeps his head in a jar of formaldehyde and screws it on before he leaves the house in the morning. Hey, it's just a theory.

Alfonso sang "On The Wings Of Love" with Jeffrey Osborn, and he wasn't bad, but it didn't really wow me. And Jeffrey sported an expression that communicated a pure sense of "What the EFF am I doing here??"

Cheech sang "Been There" with Clint Black, and it wasn't bad either, but I don't think they'll be touring together anytime soon. After their song, Host Wayne Brady asked "Hey Clint, how is singing with Cheech different from singing with your wife, Lisa Hartman Black?" Clint said something about how his wife doesn't wear a pink tutu, and I thought to myself, somebody really should have rethought the whole "LIVE" aspect of the show.

I'm still not 100% sure that I'm not dreaming the whole thing.

Lea Thompson, in a stretchy, glittery microminidress with a silver chain belt slung low on her 12-year-old-boy hips, sang "Heaven is a Place On Earth" with Belinda Carlyle. Belinda, compared to Lea, looked like like she'd just come from her part-time job at Ann Taylor. Belinda, you're beautiful, you don't have to wear a tea-length black knit dress. The dress wasn't ugly or unflattering, it just really seemed an odd choice for this venue. Lea throws an extra syllable into certain words, like the word Heaven. It comes out like Heh-Oven. She does that Cher-throaty thing (think "If I Could Turn Back Tah-hah-yum") and I guess she thinks it sounds all Rock N Roll or something, but it doesn't. Someone really should tell her.

I can't decide if I dislike Lea Thompson or Carly Patterson more. Carly sang "I'm So Excited" with One of the Pointer Sisters. It was every bit as horrible as you can imagine, if for some reason you wanted to imagine it. I kinda want to pull Carly aside and say "Girl, what are ya thinkin?" I'll make you a deal, Carly. When you get booted off the show, I'll sing "I'm So Excited" just for you. K?

Jai sang "Back at One" with Bryan McKnight and brought the house down. He is GOOD! The best on the show, by a landslide. If Jai recorded a CD, I'd buy it. Ok, maybe not buy, but I'd certainly look online for a free download.

TUNE IN TONIGHT for the LIVE Results Show!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!