Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Stains To Explain

Beeb wasn't feeling well when she got home from school the other day, so she decided to lay down and take a rest in my bed. Why not her own bed? Because I have cable in my room. Fine, whatever, it's cool. Hope you feel better, Beebie. I'm gonna go play Wii Fit and kick Dad's ass at Ski Jump some more.

I'm in the middle of Hula Hooping, and I hear...

"OH MY GOD, GROSS!!!! MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHM!!!!"

Scared the shit outta me, cuz I know she's in my bed and instantly I'm envisioning the horse head scene in Godfather. I don't think anybody's got that kind of ill will against me, though. Or if they do, I don't know it. Ignorance is bliss, right?

"Whaaaaaaaaat???!!?"

"Come HERE!!!"

"Ummm... okay..."

So I come into my room and Beeb's all the way over on one side of the bed - R's side - and scowling.

"Mom, I was laying here, minding my own business, and I found THIS ICKY SPOT."

We have brown sheets on the bed. And there, in the area she was pointing to, was clearly a sex stain.

Shit. Think fast, Mom.

"Oh, I think that's where I... um... blew my nose."

"You BLEW your NOSE on the sheets? Why would anybody DO that???"

Wow, that's scary - she sounds EXACTLY like me. How many times a day do I discover something one of the Apes has done and ask myself out loud why anyone would do whatever that particular Ape just did? (Like wipe their Ice Cream Sandwich-covered fingers on the bathroom wall?)

And please keep in mind that this stain isn't up at the top of the bed. No. It's more like where my ass would be. So if she's believing my story, I contorted my body in a way that placed my head just about at the center of the bed just prior to my unfortunate realization that there were no Kleenex handy.

"Well, it was an Emergency..."

Hell, if you're gonna say what I usually say, I'm going to respond the way YOU usually respond.

"The middle of the bed, Mom? That's so nasty! It's all crusty! How are you supposed to sleep with that there??"

(Well, usually I make Daddy sleep in the wet spot, if you really want to know.)

"Hey, it's MY bed, and I'll blow my nose on it if I need to. And if you don't like it, then feel free to get out of my bed."

When I sense that the kids aren't believing my bullshit, I'll play the I'm The Boss And You're Not card. It usually works as far as getting them to shut up.

"I thought maybe you and Dad were eating cereal in bed and you spilled some milk or something."

Now why couldn't I have thought of that??

11 comments:

Kashmir Knitter said...

You could have said you sneezed.

Wendy said...

Better you than me! That's hilarious! I'd be all...uhhhh, the dog must have done something...yeah!

Skye said...

Okay, I about wet myself laughing at this one!!! Thank goodness the kids aren't home to ask me what I'm cackling about.

SiressYorkie said...

Kashmir, I'm imagining the scene at La Casa de Karma:

PK: "And here's where I blew my nose on Tuesday...over here, on the foot of the bed is where I blew my nose twice on Wednesday..."

Beeb: "What about the curtains, Mom?? Did you blow your nose on those too?"

PK: "Yes, I did. I most certainly did."

Beeb: "...And the ceiling?"

(end scene)

Kevin C said...

Hahahaha! Hilarious! Beeb's either laughing at you behind your back at your ridiculous excuses, or she's going to be VERY innocent when she grows up. Massagers and linen Kleenex? Yeah, right!

Kashmir Knitter said...

Yorkie, if that's the case then I think R might need a few lessons in cleaning up after himself, that's just rude!

As a quick aside, I had a boyfriend many years ago that could hit the ceiling, it was really unfortunate because I couldn't even reach standing on a chair to clean it off. That guy could have had a career in porn.

Anyway...

Hey Kevin, what will probably happen is what happened to my sister, years later it will suddenly dawn on her and she'll flip out. You should have seen my sister's face when she realized my parents didn't really move their furniture twice a week or that balloons don't come in individual packages. My personal favorite was when it finally dawned on her (at almost 30) that Mom never wore any of the scarves tied to the bed post.

Penny Karma said...

Maybe Bezzie will regale us with the story of the time she found Party Hats on her parents' shopping list. Fingers crossed!!

Kevin C said...

kk - Can I just say that really envy your parents? If only I could have had that much stuff to explain to my kids when I was married.

Penny Karma said...

Oh, don't sell yourself short - you have PLENTY to explain to them now.

CBear said...

oh holey fuck! you owe me a new pair of power panties! i just peed mine!

just this afternoon i thought of you. hubs came home for lunch, as per usual... except we ended up in the bedroom for lunch... with a 2 year old pounding on the door saying "MAAAAAMAAAA, DAAAAAAADDDAAAA, WHERE ARE YOU? NIGHT-NIGHT" the whole time.

Aftwards, I thought - what would have PK done to make her go away?

Zeepheus said...

Ok I just Snarfed my Pepsi and that doesn't feel good. I'll keep this in mind in a few years.