Friday, September 12, 2008

Pot Roast, Porn, and Politics.
(Or Why I am a Stellar Friend.)

I love that Rip lives a stone's throw from my house and sends me text messages inviting me and The Karma Fam to spontaneous dinners at le Chateau de Jean-Phillipe. It's a pretty classy place; I don't know how I get past the tight security.

But even more than I love going over to CJP, I love having someone close by that I can do nice things for. I love to do nice things for my most cherished friends, and I don't even mind going out of my way to do them (like bringing Xanax for a friend of a friend while blasting NWA's classic Dopeman in the Odyssexy), but it's awesome when it's the Hey, I'm going to Target - need anything? brand of convenient.

Doing nice things for cool people gives me extreme, sincere joy. And Rip's cool as hell, y'all - totally worthy. So cool, in fact, that I took the man some porn DVD's (Can you believe the guy didn't own ANY porn? Shit, even I own porn, that I bought FOR MYSELF.) for a date he had that evening. And the following day I had made way too much dinner and I didn't want it to go bad (we weren't going to eat it because we had dinner plans the next night), so I delivered Rip half of the delicious pot roast I made in my Crock Pot.

By delivered, I mean while the man was at soccer practice with his daughter, I went to his house and placed said pot roast in his refridgerator. I have full backstage-pass access, and I will never abuse it. I use it to keep Rip well-fed and well, er... stimulated.

Pot Roast and Porn delivered to your door. TELL me I'm not the fucking best friend a person could POSSIBLY have.

Need a kidney? I have an extra. You probably wouldn't want my liver, though, unless you wring the Blue Moon and Smithwick's out of it first. I gotta say Rip's pretty good to me too, keeping my liver pickled and helping me hone my dart-throwing skills.

Yeah, I'm a fucking awesome friend to have. So awesome, in fact, that Buffy apparently wants in on the action. She called me the other day just to shoot the shit and I didn't realize that she was unaware of my stay-home mom status. Oops. Can't exactly un-ring that bell, can I?

"Oh! You stay home? I didn't know that!!! That's GREAT! We'll have to get together!"

Great. Super. FUUUUUCK.

Through the course of the conversation, we talked a bit about our educational backgrounds. I mentioned that I used to teach high school English and I hated it. She mentioned that she was a Poly Sci/Econ major. Don't take this the wrong way, kids, but telling me you're a Politically-Minded Activist person scares the crap out of me more than if you told me, over a cup of tea, that you had bludgeoned your family to death in a fit of blind rage and stuffed them in the cushions of the living room sofa, which I'm sitting on.

Let me let you all in on a little something. If you ever want to dumb me down, like, INSTANTLY, start talking about something related to Current Events. Any sort of discourse related to Economics or Politics or World History will imfuckinmediately expose me as the Zero Global Awareness dumbass that I am. Ask me how I feel about the crisis in Georgia and here's what you'll get:

What? There's a Crisis in Georgia? Is Ted Turner colorizing classic black and white movies again? I will COLORIZE HIS WRINKLY WHITE ASS.

Usually, I can get away with being a moron in these situations because I'm funny. I can say something ridiculously goofy like that and focus the attention away from my own ignorance. But I don't think it's going to work with Buffy. She's way too smart for me to pull that shit. And have I mentioned that she's Intense?

I freely admit that I'm a total fucking idiot when it comes to Topics I Should Probably Care About, as an American of Above-Average Intelligence. It's not that I don't care, I just require so much backstory in order to understand it, it's rarely worth the effort involved to bring me up to a level where I can confidently discuss it. R's really good at breaking history down to my level. Cuz here's me:

Ok, so who's fighting now? Why do these countries hate each other again? Christ, can't people just get OVER shit?? It's fuckin 2008, for fuck's sake!

Hey, at least I know I got the year right. And I've found that if you say the word Fuck a lot, people will assume you're really angry and they won't fuck with you. And maybe they'll think I'm angry and angsty because I spend so much time contemplating everything that's wrong with the world today.

I avoid political discussions as much as I possibly can, but presidential election years make it nearly impossible. I don't really care who wins. Not because I don't have an opinion, I kinda do, but the President doesn't really run the country.

See, I don't even really know if the President runs the country or not, but it kinda sounds like I know what I'm talking about, doesn't it?

Not really? Dammit.


So here's the thing. Buffy asked me if I wanted to go with her to hear Michelle Obama speak.

Ok, look... I'm not against going; I think it would be an interesting experience, but that's just SOOO not my scene. And I'm scared to death that someone will ask me a question and I'll start babbling like a fool. It takes so alarmingly little to throw me off my game and send me into total "God, Please Don't Let Them Find Out What A Shitbrain I Am" panic mode, and when that happens I start talking just to fill the air. Like I'm in a cartoon frame and if I just keep talking maybe I can hide behind the word balloons and people will leave me alone.

I haven't answered Buffy one way or another on this, and I KNOW she'll ask me again and I won't be able to say no. I swear it's going to be Swamp Thing all over again - I don't want to go but I'm just Way Too Fucking Nice. Gah! It's such a curse.

Buffy also invited us to another Barbecue next month. Now, that might actually be fun, if there's enough liquor.

Oh, and I also agreed to watch her 5-month old baby girl next week. Buffy's going on a job interview. I'd be willing to wager that if she gets this job, my stay-home ass is going to have a new little friend to play with while her Mommy's at work. I'm officially putting this prediction in writing right now. Mark ye my words.



And this is just funny.

10 comments:

SiressYorkie said...

I would go to head Michelle Obama speak. I would take a cheerleader's megaphone and at pivotal moments would yell out, "Your mother runs for President!" or "Is that your face or is your neck blowing bubbles?" or "Less talk, more tits. Take it off! Take it ALLLL off, bitch!" or even better, "Are you the pig in lipstick your husband talked about? OINK OINK!"

Seriously. I can't stand the woman. She just doesn't know when STFU.

Of course, such actions would probably chop your budding friendship with Buffy with all the grace of a meat cleaver hacking through bone, but you'd probably make the evening news, so it wouldn't be a total loss.

Rip said...

You fill my world with joy, kindness and delicious beef, not to mention the DVDs! It is I who is so supremely fortunate to live stoning distance from Penny McAwesomelyAmazing and KarmaFam.

To all regular readers of Penny's blog: She's everything you might imagine she is from reading her compelling and witty anecdotes, and much more.

Pot Roast and Porn Delivery Queen, for one.

BTW, your Tupperware is all clean. I'll bring it over in the morning.

Anonymous said...

Penny, just my two cents worth - don't get too close with Buffy. And if possible keep politics out of friendships! What will happen if the kids' romance dies? Will you still be able to be friends? I suppose that's up to what disagreement ended the romance! Anyway I so enjoy reading your blog. Hot sunshine greetings from Alida in South Africa

Bezzie said...

I'd go to see her speak, and bring something good to drink. Every time she says "shtreet" or adds an sh to a word with st in it, you drink. You'll be wasted by the end of the shpeech.

Poops said...

I would go and make fun of people to Buffy. Then I would make fun of them again here. Political people are freaks. Excellent blog fodder.

Or, you could just say, "No thanks, I'm voting for Ron Paul/Ralph Nader/Jimmy "JJ" Walker this year...

Batty said...

I have opinions about everything, including feminism and politics, but I keep those out of my friendships whenever possible. Stick to porn, beef and yarny goodness. I know you're a lovely, generous person, but don't volunteer to be this woman's fallback babysitter! Staying at home with your own kids is plenty of work as is.

Kevin C said...

I agree with batty. Don't let her make you her babysitter. If you DO choose to babysit her child, you should at least get paid for providing her childcare. That way you'd have a little extra beer and cigar money, and not have to find an extra job outside the house. As good as that might sound, though, I still advise against it.

Also, while I have plenty of porn, I'm still waiting for my pot roast delivery...

Penny Karma said...

But, Darling, I bring you luscious breasts.

Kevin C said...

Yes, but you take those everywhere.

Oh, you mean the chicken. Yeah, thanks for that. :)

DomesticOverlord said...

Yeah, yeah politics whatever- let's get to the important shit: Porn!

Dude, Pirates 2 Stagnetti's Revenge is totally coming out September 27th. Also, have you seen Gram Ponate's Porn reviews? If not you totally need to because that guy is pretty damn funny.