Wednesday, April 04, 2007

What's on my mind today?

Lots to talk about.

First, let's start with reality shows. I was just kidding about voting for Sanjaya, y'all. I haven't voted for anyone but Melinda and Blake. Seriously, Sanjaya fans, I don't know who you are, but when I find you... oh, it's ON.

I'm pretty sure I could take Tony Bennett if I sneak up on him from behind. I mean, clearly, if he's a Sanjaya supporter, his hearing must be going.

Y'know who's growin on me, though? Jordin Sparks. I really thought Gina did well last night, as did my favorites, Blake and Melinda. Actually, everybody was pretty good. If I had to choose who I think will go home tonight, I would have to say Eyebrow Boy or Hayley. Sorry, folks, I think Sanjaya's gonna stay another week.

And Dancing With the Stars continues to entertain. My Favorite Moment from this week was Joey Fatone's cha cha number to the Star Wars theme and the subsquent discussion of the size of his bum. Deeee - lish.

The runner-up for My Favorite Moment was Leeza Gibbons showing everyone the word TRAMP written in tasteful red cursive on her boob. Dang, I thought I was sick for wanting to get the Mud Flap Silhouette Girl tattooed on my ass cheeks.

And, hateful as this is gonna sound, wouldn't you think that the wife of a Beatle could afford some orthodontic work? Love her to death, hope she does well, more power to her and everything, but every time she smiles I just go yiiiiiiiih.

That's the last catty thing I'm gonna say about Heather. Except this - is anybody else out there secretly hoping her leg falls off mid-mambo just to see what would Bruno Tonioli would say? Ok, that's the last catty thing I'm going to say about Heather. Promise.

And was Sunday night's episode of The Amazing Race All-Stars awesome? Huge kudos to Charla for not only getting in the suit of armor but also for dealing with that obnoxious bitch cousin of hers, Mirna. Ooooh, I wanna smack that Mirna. My favorites on that show are Danny and Oswald (I totally want to party with them) and Uchenna and Joyce.

If you missed Uchenna and Joyce the first time around, Joyce shaved her head for a Fast Forward, and they went on to win the whole thing. I think the woman is beautiful, personally. And it's weird because they refer to all these problems they have in their marriage but you really never see them fighting. Which makes me wonder if Jonathan and Victoria were invited back for All-Stars. True fans of the show would remember them, and I also think they were on Fear Factor once. Hey, whatever happened to Fear Factor, anyway? I guess the world got sick of watching people eat fetal pig rectum.

Top Model and Next Pussycat Doll are also worth your time, if you haven't seen them. Then on Thursday we get to find out if Pam's on-again-off-again boyfriend Roy is indeed "going to kill Jim Halpert". After The Office is another of my favorite shows, 30 Rock, featuring Tina Fey, Alec Baldwin, and guest star Will Arnett, (formerly of The Best TV Show Ever, Arrested Development). Can't wait.

That's enough TV talk for now. Wouldn't want you all to get the impression that I have no life.

I have a life. I do lots of cool, wacky fun stuff. For example, I always like to have an interesting musical selection playing when I pull into the parking lot at my kids' schools. It's slightly less fun to do it at the Beeb's elementary school, but I so get a twisted little rush from blaring Fat Bottom Girls in the parking lot at the Baptist Church Preschool.

That's right, y'all. Don't mess with me. I'm daaaaaaaangerous.
Don't MAKE me whip out my pierced nipples.

Moving on - This morning, in the car, Pie asked me if he could get a book or a movie about The Cold War the next time we go to the library. Just to make sure, I asked him,

The Cold War? You mean, in American History?

Yeah. Just in case my teacher asks me about it.

Ok, I have NO idea what's goin' on in that kid's head. I guess I was absent on Cold War Day when I was in preschool. Oh, wait. They didn't call it that when I was in preschool. We called it The Bicentennial. I forgot, I'm a fossil.

I went to my hottie eye doctor, Dr. Smartass (he's hilariously sarcastic, which, as a patient, I fully appreciate) last week and got the most fantastic new glasses. I really didn't need them in order to get by, but I was due for a new pair and I LOVE these. They're kinda like Tina Fey's. R says I look like a sexy librarian.

Get this - I actually feel skinnier in these glasses.
I'd call that Money Well Spent. Cheaper'n liposuction!

Speaking of Money Well Spent, I've recently rediscovered the therapeutic value of manicures. I got my nails done by someone who's as big a perfectionist as I am. FINALLY! My nails look phenomenal. Love the shape, love the length, love the color (ChicaGO Get a Manicure, for you OPI fans), and the extra-shiny top coat.

And, in conclusion, I would like to thank Bezzie for the very kind compliment she paid me on her blog. BTW, if anyone should write a book, it's BEZZ. As much as I would love to write a book, there's one main reason why I don't think I should. My In-laws (and everyone else I've bashed since October 2005) would then discover that I have a blog in which I write very candidly about them, and then I'd have to go into hiding like Salman Rushdie.

And that would suck because I really don't want to leave my manicure guy.

Although, perhaps I could pay him to travel with me.

Money Well Spent!


Cheesy Knit Wit said...

You could use an alias!

Penny Karma said...

Blog Fodder Goddess, maybe? We could abbreviate it to BFG.

Bezzie said...

The Satanic Verses vs. Behold my Brilliance!!!

Everytime the harlot goes on tour I feel like the truly funny people are getting shafted.

But then again, that makes for good blogging right?

Pie's killing me with that Cold War book request!!!

Poops said...

And here's why you should write a book. Because you will make SOOOO much money that you will be able to tell your in-laws--to their faces mind you--to kiss your mudflap-tattooed ass.

Though there is some sweet satisfaction in talking about them behind their back. It feels naughty, but oh so right.

Bezz is going to write a book called "The Cheapass Girls Guide to Everything". And you will write witty forewords to each other's novels and tour together to promote them.

And I will be your number one stalker. FAN! I meant FAN!

ZantiMissKnit said...

Talk about mudflaps, my baby's got 'em!

Sorry, having a Spinal Tap moment. . .

I was gonna say something else but work ate my brain.

Penny Karma said...

That's like my favorite song in the WORLD.

SiressYorkie said...

Big bottom...biiiig about bun cakes, my girl's gott em!

*goes off to un-tease her hair*

Ed said...

Hya Penny.

I'm back.

Love the blog, confused by most of it, but it's a laugh.

I tend to visit and save . before the connection gores down

LilKnitter said...

My husband votes "Red Dawn" if Pie's desire for education on the Cold War continues unabated.