Tuesday, April 24, 2007

BEHOLD! I am SuperMom! Maybe.

I took Beebie to the dentist this morning. But it wasn't for a routine visit. Oh, no. No no.

This is the Karma family we're talkin' about.

I got a phone call yesterday afternoon from the Bus Company. The woman told me that Beeb's bus driver had called in to let me know that Beeb was pressing her face against the bus window, and the driver hit a bump and Beebie chipped her tooth.

My first reaction: Thank God Beebie's school pictures were taken last month (and they're supercute, I'll show ya).

My second reaction: Is she okay?

She's on her way home now. That's really all I know.

My third reaction: How bad is the chip?

I don't know, ma'am. I'm just the messenger.

My fourth reaction: What the FUCK???

You don't give someone who doesn't have all the pertinent information the job of calling a parent in a potential emergency situation. Of course the parents are going to ask questions because they want all the facts they can get! And if the messenger doesn't know anything, well, it's just bloody frustrating.

My fourth reaction, in my out-loud voice: Um, okay.

So this lady told me Beebie chipped her tooth, but I was left wondering if the child was bloody and toothless and unconscious and how was I going to pay to get the tooth stuck back on? I have about $30 to make it until Friday. I wondered if the dentist has a payment plan.

I had this vision of Beeb walking in the door with her front tooth split in two. I wondered if it was broken horizontally or vertically. I was kinda hoping for horizontally, since I figured that horizontally would be easier to fix, but then I remembered the craptastic luck I invariably have (how long have you been reading my blog?), and I figured that chances were more than likely it was as bad as it could possibly be.

So I waited by the front door for what seemed like hours. I wanted to be there the instant the bus arrived, so that I, like a good mother, could cradle my daughter's trembling body in my arms as she sobbed that now she's ugly and hideous and no one will ever want to marry her. She's almost ten, remember. She really needs to start steppin' up that Husband Search.

I was totally prepared for a SuperMom Moment.

You Moms know what I mean - when the right thing to do comes to you instinctively and you feel like maybe you might actually know what you're doing with this Mom gig. Alerted by my acute SuperMom Senses, I was all set to swoop in and save the day. With a giant American flag waving behind me.

Maybe, after nearly ten years, I'm starting to get the hang of it. And best of all, it will almost certainly be witnessed by others, who will no doubt marvel at my parenting skills which clearly come so naturally to me. I should write a parenting book.

I could hear the bus approaching and I ran out to the lawn expecting to see Beebie shuffling up the sidewalk with a bloody towel in her mouth and tear streaks on her face. I was prepared to console her with words like "Oh, nobody will even notice!" and "It's what's on the inside that counts!" and "If your friends won't play with you anymore, then they're not good friends!" And other ridiculous crap that parents say to their ugly children. Hey, I know - my parents said it to me when I got a chicken pox scar on my nose (said scar still bothers me to this day, 25 years later).

Instead, off the bus bounded Beebie, skipping merrily and smiling from ear to ear. I checked her smile (as best I could from that distance) to see if there were any gaping holes in it. There weren't.

Oh my God! What happened, Beebie??? The bus people called me and told me you chipped your tooth! I was worried about you!

She told me she was making faces at people driving by, and she bumped her face on the window. It hurt, she cried, her gum bled a little, (anybody else fighting the urge to say Serves You Right For Bein' A Lil Shit?) and the bus driver thought somebody with absolutely no knowledge of the situation should call and worry me half to death for nothing.

Like I don't have enough to deal with.

Ok, I'm being somewhat facetious - I'm glad they called me, but DANG! They scared the crap outta me.


LilKnitter said...

I think that's deserving of a Holy Crap! And also a big Phew! Kids are insane, well and truly. I think I was relatively less insane that might be the trend, but still... I fear for my children: my DH, by all accounts, was a nutcase.

Her gum bled? Kinda weird. Hope it's ok, in the long run. I could tell you some horrifying tooth-related stories of my cousin (whose head is almost certainly missing more than just teeth) but you don't want to hear those stories right now!! Maybe I'll get a pic of him smiling some day, and post the crazy stories of his smile on my blog.

Big hugs to you, since apparently Beebie is fine! And keep the frequent posts coming; I really do look forward to them!

Bezzie said...

I *love* those calls. I got them all the time for Chunky for stupid things like scraped knees and he tripped over his feet. Give me a freaking break. If they're not dying, then don't call me!
Glad to hear Beebe isn't going to be a snaggled toothed cat lady in the future. ;-)

SiressYorkie said...

Soooo...Beeb's not The Snaggle Toothed Kid that every class seems to have??

Bloody hell, PK, why'd I read this thing if there's no bodily deformity involved? I coulda spent the time drinking instead. THANKS A LOT.

I'm glad Beeb's okay and no money has to be spent and her chances at landing a man are still quite good. Is there actually a chip in her tooth?? Why the *&#&$ did they call you and get your insides all churned up then!? Bloody hell.nixm

Andrea said...

I particularly liked the "I was prepared for a SuperMom moment" parts and the "Serves You Rigth for Being A Little Shit" part, too!

My almost 15 year old daughter has just stomped/slunk upstairs to take a (forced) shower after I read the barely-pre-academic-expulsion letter to her out loud...

Uber-Moms of the world, unite! (or something like that...)

Sharpie said...

I really am glad no one called me when Lil Man got spit on ON THE BUS - by the NEIGHBOR's kid - it would not have been pretty!!!