Friday, April 21, 2006

What am I, Flypaper for Freaks?

And I just got that exact same email again today.

It reminded me of another time I got a Yahoo IM from a complete stranger. This conversation was such fun, I saved it. I'm rapierlikewit.

After receiving the invite to talk, I check his profile and it won't come up.

rapierlikewit: what's with the hidden profile?
johnblair: not at all
johnblair: it´s a problem fro the tickle comp.
johnblair: I worte them and they promised to rectify it
rapierlikewit: bastards. so, how are ya?
johnblair: where are you from
rapierlikewit: st louis, mo
rapierlikewit: you?
johnblair: great britain
rapierlikewit: really, what part?
johnblair: from cambridge
rapierlikewit: lovely!
johnblair: thanks have you been there before
rapierlikewit: it's late afternoon there now, isnt' it?
rapierlikewit: no, i haven't, my parents have, years ago
johnblair: ok
johnblair: well currently I am not in state
johnblair: I am at work in Africa
rapierlikewit: really! what do you do there?
johnblair: i work as an administrator
johnblair: but it seems to be disguisting now because I want to strike up a business
johnblair: and i will appreciate if you are interested in it
rapierlikewit: sure
johnblair: yeah. It is secret.
rapierlikewit: reallllllllllllllly...
rapierlikewit: do tell.
johnblair: sure
johnblair: I met with a lady called Genive Amina Ige whose husband has been deceased since 2001ç
rapierlikewit: ok...
johnblair: Before he died , he entrusted this woman with huge amount of money
johnblair: tatalling $9M
johnblair: so now the woman wants to relocate and she needs to transfer the money into a foreign account
johnblair: so you would have to act as her next of kin
rapierlikewit: interesting
johnblair: so she is willing to release 15% of the total sum after transfer
johnblair: then she said 5% shall be separated for any bills incurred during the proccess
rapierlikewit: that sounds kinda crazy
johnblair: then after transfer to your country, then we shall both travelñ to meet with you
johnblair: good babbe
johnblair: are you there
johnblair: send me your private email, telephone number for more communication
rapierlikewit: yes, here
rapierlikewit: email to me
rapierlikewit: don't phone, my husband gets suspicious
johnblair: please keep secret okay
johnblair: I will write you email soon
johnblair: and the bank shall contact you based on the transfer throuhg email okay
rapierlikewit: of course
johnblair: alright
rapierlikewit: is this legal??
rapierlikewit: what am i to do, exactly?
johnblair: Sure babe trust me it is. the name of the bank is Union Bank Plc.
johnblair: to receive the money on her behalf
rapierlikewit: how do i do that??
rapierlikewit: won't they ask for ID or anything?
johnblair: just don´t worry
rapierlikewit: i'm not worried, i just wouldn't want to say something wrong and ruin it for you
johnblair: I will speak to the Remittance Direcrtor. His name is Mr. Akinleye John
johnblair: no
johnblair: remember that you have to folloow there law that is all
johnblair: he is a gentle man
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: sure
johnblair: you can also right me on john.blair@aemail4u.com
rapierlikewit: ok then
johnblair: sure
johnblair: we shall suceed
johnblair: less I forget, what is your name

Up to now, he'd been perfectly willing to share Genive Amina Ige's money with me, but didn't even know my name. For some reason, the first name that popped into my mind was -

rapierlikewit: molly
johnblair: great I am John Blair
rapierlikewit: allo john blair
johnblair: hello Molly
johnblair: I will send you an email now
rapierlikewit: that will be fine
johnblair: alright
rapierlikewit: are you sure i wouldn't get into trouble somehow? my parents are somewhat famous and it would be horrible for the press to discover i'd done something awful
johnblair: no..
johnblair: I cannot kid you
johnblair: or should I send you my international Diplomatic Passport?

What the hell's an International Diplomatic Passport?

rapierlikewit: sure, if you think that would be helpful
johnblair: I will do that oh.. this is legal
johnblair: I will then
johnblair: just hold on
rapierlikewit: my parents are in the beer industry, do you know Miller Lite beer? we're the millers
johnblair: sure
rapierlikewit: Miller Genuine Draft?
rapierlikewit: that's us
johnblair: oh.. good nice meeting you molly

Watch the pressure escalate.

rapierlikewit: and you as well
johnblair: ok
johnblair: let me attache the passport to you okay
rapierlikewit: if you just needed money i could easily send you some
johnblair: no I do not baby but Let us meet first okay
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: Let us transfer this funds first then we shall discuss business okay
rapierlikewit: of course
rapierlikewit: oh, and can i get your credit card number?
johnblair: alright I shall come along to your country after the transfer to meet with you face to face
johnblair: check your email now
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: to confirm if you receive the sent email and the attached passport
johnblair: have you?
johnblair: please you you have, then confirm it ok

This is what he sent:





rapierlikewit: i have, yes - you're beautiful
johnblair: thank you babe
johnblair: so I see beauty in your face too

Then he realizes I that have not yet sent him a picture of myself.

johnblair: though I have not seen you but I believe that you will be okay
rapierlikewit: thank you
johnblair: yeah
rapierlikewit: i will need to go, my husband just got home
johnblair: so Molly it is a nice time meeting with you and chatting with youç
johnblair: Okay
rapierlikewit: should i not tell him about this?
johnblair: No.
johnblair: do not tell him
rapierlikewit: if it's not illegal though?
johnblair: It is between you and I and the banker okay
johnblair: no illegal I want it to be a surprising thing
johnblair: After the transfer then you can tell any one okay
rapierlikewit: his name is on the account and he receives the bank statements and reviews them carefully
rapierlikewit: he always tells me to be careful who i meet on here, anyone can tell you anything
rapierlikewit: he just wants me to be careful, he's in law enforecement

Long pause.

rapierlikewit: are you still there john?
rapierlikewit: i want to help you
rapierlikewit: hello hello??
johnblair: Please reply my email okay
rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: It is very neccessary okay
rapierlikewit: i understand
johnblair: okay you are back
johnblair: okay
johnblair: you came from a very influencial family

Watch me bait this hook.

rapierlikewit: i was writing, could you not see my messages
rapierlikewit: yes
johnblair: that is great
johnblair: your father must be a magnanimous man
rapierlikewit: he's no longer living, but yes, he was
johnblair: then who handles his business
rapierlikewit: i do, mainly, and my brothers
johnblair: oh.. good babe
johnblair: I have every privillege to say I am greatfully meeting with you on the internet

Damn straight it's a privilege to know me.

rapierlikewit: oh, thank you - it's a hobby of mine to meet people this way
johnblair: good.
johnblair: I want to believe that we shall have many thing s to exploit with time
johnblair: how about your mum molly?
johnblair: hello Molly, can you read me?
rapierlikewit: my mother's getting old and ill. one of my brothers is a lawyer so he's getting her affairs in order, drafting up the necessary documents
johnblair: oh.. good how old is she?
rapierlikewit: she's nearly 75, i think
rapierlikewit: i'm the youngest
johnblair: waooo.... she is old really
johnblair: that is nice to hear from you
rapierlikewit: i was born when she was 40, i'm almost 35
johnblair: good
johnblair: She is almost meeting up the late Pope John Pauls age
rapierlikewit: she's been sick a long time, she smoked for many years, which is so unhealthy, but she wouldn't listen to anyone and never did quit
johnblair: Kidding
rapierlikewit: i'm not a very religious person
johnblair: oh.. bad I hate smoke for one reason
rapierlikewit: smells terrible
johnblair: It damages the Kiddney of a man
johnblair: yes
rapierlikewit: i don't understand why people do it
johnblair: it also destroys the heart and lungs of one who is involved in it
johnblair: I don´t my dear
rapierlikewit: why not just shoot yourself, it would be a faster way of killing yourself
johnblair: But please take good care of her please
johnblair: hahaha!!!!
rapierlikewit: i try to, she lives with my brother and his family
johnblair: okay
johnblair: that is good
rapierlikewit: i think he feels entitled to have more of her estate than the rest of us, because he's taken care of her
johnblair: so Molly I would have love to call you but since it is strict, let me not bother for now okay
rapierlikewit: that's best, yes
johnblair: do you have your private number to reach you on?
johnblair: then send your telephone number
rapierlikewit: i can't - my husband will answer
johnblair: okay
johnblair: let me abstain from it now
johnblair: You are right
rapierlikewit: i may be able to call you, though
johnblair: no problems
rapierlikewit: and call it a business expense
johnblair: let us deal on email now to avoid any suspicious dealing okay

Too late.

rapierlikewit: all right
johnblair: that is good.
rapierlikewit: i do need to go now, though, my husband will be home any minute
johnblair: so molly did you attempt to cross your University / college life?
johnblair: In school
rapierlikewit: not sure what you mean?
rapierlikewit: cross my life?
johnblair: I am talkinf about your educational life now
johnblair: no
johnblair: I mean your educationall carrier
rapierlikewit: i went to college to become a teacher, actually
johnblair: ok
johnblair: that is quite interesting
rapierlikewit: i let the boys study finance and business law
johnblair: okay
rapierlikewit: i studied french for many years
johnblair: oh.. good. I love that even being a teacher is greater
rapierlikewit: i think so too, then i had kids and decided to stay home with them, that was more important
johnblair: yes you are right. are you at office at a moment or at home?
rapierlikewit: at home
johnblair: ok
rapierlikewit: husband's on his way here

Uh-oh, the 5-0.

johnblair: stop then
johnblair: stop
rapierlikewit: can i tell him i met a fine lad from cambridge?
johnblair: is that neccessary?
rapierlikewit: no, not really, i just think it's interesting to meet people from far away placed
rapierlikewit: places
johnblair: Secret
rapierlikewit: why?
johnblair: I mean the transfer
rapierlikewit: it makes me think it could be bad
johnblair: no Molly
johnblair: It´s not
johnblair: Please It is not Molly
johnblair: Please let me go and take my dinner it is getting late here Molly
rapierlikewit: he tells me there are a lot of dishonest people out there and that i should be careful, i'm too trusting
johnblair: oh.. Molly please I can swear my life here
johnblair: just trust me
rapierlikewit: people take advantage of people with money, like us
johnblair: Know not like me. If I need money I will alway tell you to help me out ok?
rapierlikewit: how do i know youre who you say - and how do you know i'm who i say?
johnblair: sure through voice call or if you want me to travel to your country for evidence prove that will be okay
rapierlikewit: maybe i'm not molly miller, beer heiress

Ya think?

johnblair: oh.. kidding
rapierlikewit: ha, i wish i wasn't
johnblair: I wish you are
johnblair: and i sincerely believe that you are
rapierlikewit: oh, i am - i'm not clever enough to trick anyone
johnblair: sure
johnblair: If I need any thing Molly, I can always tell you okay
rapierlikewit: yes, i hope you will
johnblair: not to come here and cheat you no
johnblair: I can´t not do that
rapierlikewit: do you need a ticket to the states?
johnblair: hello Molly
rapierlikewit: hello again
johnblair: are you there
johnblair: Please can I go take my launch?
rapierlikewit: of course
rapierlikewit: i must go too
johnblair: thanks
rapierlikewit: goodbye
johnblair: where is your country again
rapierlikewit: my country?
johnblair: Sure
rapierlikewit: husband is home! good bye quickly!
johnblair: ok
johnblair: bye
johnblair: have a lovely day
rapierlikewit: and you
johnblair: talk to you later
rapierlikewit: yes
johnblair: bye for now Molly


Yeah. I convinced him I was the heir to the Miller Beer fortune, and Homeboy thought he hit the jackpot. Within minutes he sent this Very Official-Looking Document.



Followed by this email:


ATTN: MOLLY BIER,

I RECEIVED YOUR EMAIL OF TODAY AND THE CONTENT THEREOF WAS WELL UNDERSTOOD.

IT WAS OKAY FORWARDING IT TO YOUR LAWYER BUT REMEMER THAT WE ARE PAYNIG TO YOUR ACCOUNT THE AFORESAID AMOUNT AND PLEASE FILL THE FORM AND FORWARD IT TO US AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. WE SHALL APPRECIATE IT IF YOU DO THAT IMMEDIATELY.

REVERT ASAP.

REGARDS,

JOHN AKINLEYE


Molly Bier, didja catch that?? Bahahahahahaha!!! Then I sent this:

While I'm sure you would appreciate having my bank information immediately, my attorney has advised me NOT to participate in this "bank transfer". It seems there are a great number of dishonest people who might try to take advantage of a nice girl like me and take money OUT of my account instead of putting money IN. Can you imagine something so awful??

Respectfully, sir, I know nothing about you. I am not familiar with whatever bank you claim to represent, and am unable to find any record of its existence. A fellow calling himself John Blair approached me, a complete stranger, with this fantastic "business proposition" after speaking to me for about 30 seconds. Apparently some rich widow, whom I also know absolutely nothing about, desperately needs me to pretend to be someone I am not, so that she can deposit 9 million dollars into my bank account. Doesn't she care to know anything about me, other than my bank numbers?

Forgive me, but I'd prefer not to give my personal information to strangers. Please move on to the next person on your list of trusting fools. Perhaps they won't be as cautious as I, and you'll have better luck with them.


Sincerely,

Anita Amanda Huggenkiss



Oh, it gets better. Next came this -


Attn; Molly,

Thanks for the email of today. I am so glad to receive such email from you. Moreso, I wouldn´t do any mistake of making such transfer as I have done. One, it is true that she has such in our bank and the fellow so called Mr. John Blair is from UK, a total stranger who has signed to help this widowed woman. Anyway, do not bother your mind as regards the transferany more. Mr. John Balir is from Uk according to him and he knows nothing about the transfer.

I will have to talk to the lady myself.

Regards,

Mr. John Akinleye.



So suddenly this John Blair dude knows NOTHING about the transfer. Interesting. Methinks Mr. John Akinleye and Mr. John Blair are in cahoots. I'll have to look up the origin of the phrase "in cahoots".

And the last email I got was this -

Subject: Hi Molly, Please stop your communication with the bank.

Hello Molly Bier,

I hardly read from you. Anyway I want you to please stop any
transaction or transfer of what I told you about with the Union Bank as I just
received from the woman an embarrasing email.

Please forgive me if I have offended your thought. I never knew that
she was mannerless though her predicament seems to be true. I was molest
in her email to me that the banker called her and informed her that she
should present her son or daughter so that he can release the money for
her. I called those all transh. She only seek my help and I was trying
to help.

Anyway how are you doping at a moment? Hope great. Revert to me ASAP.

John Blair


He was molest in her email? Eeeeww.
How am I doping at moment? Just fine, thanks.


DON'T EFF WITH ME, SCAM ARTISTS!!


Oh, and speaking of freaks, my blogstalker had an interesting comment on his blog. Is it directed at the PKP? You be the judge.

Michael said...
Sarah, I still love you, and will always love you, even though you and your crew are seriously evil.


Umm... yeeeeeeah...

4/22/06 Interesting Update - the comment has since been deleted from his blog, thesubstanceofaliberalsrtseducation.

Michael, Michael, Michael. You really should let people other than yourself add comments to your whimsical musings.

9 comments:

DomesticOverlord said...

I can't believe you wasted all that time talking to him, you could have been KNITTING!

Also his emails seem like they were written in another language and filtered with babelfish, don't they?

Too funny, Molly Miller Beir, too funny.

Rebekah said...

Hilarious!

Bezzie said...

Ha ha! That's hi-friggin'-larious!
Molly Beir, in St. Louis! Do you ever get into street fights with Annie Busch of Budweiser fame?

Penny Karma said...

I kicked that bitch's A-B drinkin' ASS.

Emano said...

Was repeatedly calling you "baby" and "babe" supposed to be endearing or something. Yeuch!

Bezzie said...

Hey we're evil! Wait, tell me something I *don't* know!

Bob said...

You so totally rock! This bit of dialogue gave me a big chuckle. I love your rapier like wit. :) Thanks for sharing it!

Dan said...

I work for an Intl Courier Co, think McDonalds, another scam they use is to find a sap that will ship goods for them. They buy stuff with stolen Credit cards, have it delivered to their sap. The sap then ships it to them. Or another good one is send me $500 to cover shipping and we will send you this Harley, Car, ATV, boat etc. Then the sucker calls us and asks us where there item is. Unfortunately we do not ship these items and the cost to ship express is far higher. We had to put a fraud alert on our website but that still doesn't help. We still get those calls at least once a week.
I like that you messed with the person. I have received those and try to lead them on also as if I was an easy mark. Why waste my time? It keeps them busy from finding a real sucker and it is fun frustrating them.

Batty said...

OK, this seriously cracked me up. I've had many a Nigerian scam in my e-mail, but I've never heard of the chat version! You really led Mr. Blair on a merry chase.

Do they seriously think people have no clue whatsoever? If I'm talking to John Blair, I want the real John Blair, not some fakeo!

Well, at least I know for sure you're the Miller Beer heiress! : )