Saturday, February 21, 2009

Why I love Rip.

Let it be known to the world that I absolutely adore Rip. In the short time I've known him, he has become one of the dearest friends I have. He'll tell me straight out when he thinks I'm being an asshole, he'll listen when I tell him straight out that he's being an asshole, and we both know that we mean Asshole as a term of endearment.

The following is but a brief sampling of why Rip rocks.

Rip gives me interesting stuff to do.

At 3:30 on a Tuesday afternoon, I was sitting on my bed watching Dr. Phil. Suddenly I heard Rosemary Clooney singing Come On A' My House, which meant that Rip was calling me from wherever he was, I couldn't remember.

Hey, baby! Where are you?

Hey, PK! I'm in Minnesota, and I'm about to get on the plane for Philadelphia. I have a huuuuuuge favor to ask of you. And if you can't do it, it's totally fine, but if you can it would really be helping me out.

Ok, sure, what do you need?

Skater has to pay this ticket today or there's going to be a warrant out on him. He might have already paid it, I don't know, but I doubt it. He's not answering his phone.

Well, how much is it?

It's $75ish, I think.

Dude, we don't get paid until Thursday. I don't think I have $75 in the bank right now.

We're the kind of friends that I can tell him I have no money.

Ok, how about this - use your key, go over to my house, get my checkbook and go over to the Dillydale Police Station and settle up. Thank you SO MUCH, you are the BEST.

I'm on it!

I got to feel like I was entrusted with a super secret mission that only a highly trained specialist can handle (or someone with a key to his house, at least), and thusly, an afternoon spend watching Dr. Phil's hillbilly colloquialisms masked as insightful psychological advice was averted.

Both Rip's secretary and the woman at the police station gave me major kudos for being a stellar friend and dropping everything to keep Rip's son out of jail. Meh, it's not like it was my money or anything. And I think I may even have spelled Rip's last name wrong when I signed the check.

Shit, the way I saw it, I was saving myself from having to bail Skater out of jail two days later, which I wouldn't have minded doing anyway, but that gorgeous boy would be somebody's Jenny after about thirty seconds.

Rip gives me plenty of opportunities to miss him.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, ergo, I've grown to be quite fond of Rip. The man travels more than anyone I know. I think that in the time that I've known him, he's spent more time away than at home. He also lets me feel useful when he calls and asks for a ride to the airport.

I cherish the quality travel time spent with Rip in the Odyssexy, when he begs me to drive faster and pass the car in front of me and I reply by telling him to shut the fuck up or he's gonna find out if he can run faster than I can drive.

Rip takes me shopping... to buy gifts for other women.

Due to Rip's travel schedule and the demands placed upon him by his Harem of co-dependent women (I'm more of an honorary emeritus member of the harem, but that's really nobody's business), Rip and I don't actually go "Out" very often. We're usually either at his house or my house.

We're more Hang-Out than Go-Out friends, but occasionally we are seen in public together. Once we went to a hockey game when Buffy had tickets she couldn't use (which was an absolute BLAST), and last week he needed to go to the mall to buy a very specific Valentine's Day gift for one of his women.

An $18.50 box of eight Godiva truffles.

There was a bit of a line at Godiva, and when we got to the cashier, I saw a sign detailing Godiva's Return Policy. I thought it was kinda funny that Godiva even had a return policy. Who's gonna return chocolate? And you'd think that most people would have received it as a gift, so it's not like they'd have a receipt. Anyway, they'll give you different chocolate if you're not fully satisfied, or something.

The cashier was a kinda preppy Goth looking high school chick. I simply HAD to find out if they had issues with people returning chocolate.

So, what, can people return an entire box of candy with one bite taken out of each truffle and ask for a replacement?? Seriously? Where does it end?

Rip jokingly told the cashier that he can never take me anywhere. She laughed.

You can't take me anywhere? You NEVER take me anywhere! In fact, we're here right now shopping for another girl, thankyouverymuch!

The cashier looked at both of us like she was trying to figure out just exactly what Rip's and my relationship IS (heh, good luck). Then I told her that I really shouldn't be complaining since my husband was at home with my kids. And we all busted up laughing.

Rip always has beer.

And if he doesn't, he'll take me out in his Big Ass Truck to get beer. And he doesn't make me feel like an Alkie for drinking a beer before noon.

Rip doesn't take it easy on me when we play darts.

Even when he makes it interesting by spotting me several points, he'll still shut me down and remind me what a sucktastic dart player I am. But he lets me drink enough beer that I really don't even fuckin care.

Rip always expresses sweet, humble gratitude for the things I do for him.

Whether it's Pot Roast and Porn Delivery or picking up creamer at the grocery store, I never, ever feel unappreciated. Not for a single minute since I've known him. And I know he'd do anything for me, any hour of the day or night, as I would for him.

Rip has a unique gift for saying the most thoughtful, encouraging things at the perfect times.

I was telling him a story about a recent Facebook reunion that almost didn't happen because I was afraid this guy wasn't going to remember who I was, and Rip said,

"You thought he wouldn't remember you??? Sarah, you are the single most unforgettable person I've ever met."

Gotta say, I choked up a bit.

Rip lets me grope his son.

That's my reward for shuttling Skater around. Totally worth it.

Rip lets me give him shit on my blog.

Seriously, though - Rip is one of a very few people in my entire life (other than my husband) who has made me feel that I'm getting back from a relationship as much as I put in, and more. Rip is an absolute gem.

So glad I met ya, G9. :)


Rip said...

My darling Penny Karma:

Wow. I don't even know what to say, which, as you know, would be a true rarity.

Learned something new tonight. Wireless keyboards still work after the teardrops that have fallen into it dry out.

I've said it before, and I will say it til I die, probably, but you make me feel like the luckiest son of a bitch in the world. We share something special, and I love how easily we just "are."

Thank you for being in my life, PK. Neuroses and right lane driving included. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The soup was excellent, by the way.

Trillian42 said...

Damn. I'm jealous. I want a Rip, too.

Mezamashii said...

That's so sweet!

Kev said...

Sarah, Penny, you deserve to be treated that well. And don't EVER let anyone tell you otherwise.


Rip said...

Speed, could not agree more. Been telling her that for a while now.

Oh, and...

Just throwing this out there...

Rip actually IS available. As long as you are open to sharing time with PK...

Rip said...

Oh, and I'd like to add to the whole "paying Skater's ticket immediately" story by adding that PK literally got in her Odyssexy and drove to my house WHILE WE WERE STILL ON THE PHONE so I could walk her through where she would find my checkbook. (Which happens to be in my top desk drawer right next to the porn she brought for me when she also brought pot roast that ubermemorable time)

If you do not, in your life, have a friend like PK, you owe it to yourself to find &/or become one in somebody's life so you can do miraculous things for each other.

Ali said...

I keep wondering when you will get that book deal. Your writing is some of the funniest stuff I've ever read. You can turn a phrase like, like, um, I don't know. See, I can't even complete that sentence. You rock.

*oh, wait a minute, I got it: like a hooker at a Jenna Jamison convention* ;)

Nell said...

Not gonna lie... I teared up a bit. I wish I had a Rip of my own.

Kashmir Knitter said...

Cricket? 301? What kinda darts are we playin'?