How's Your Uvula?

(9/21/08) EDITED TO ADD : You probably Googled "Swollen Uvula," didn't you? This post gets more hits than any other on my blog, and it's not even the best one. You really should read a little more of my blog, when you have time. I hope your Uvula gets better. :)


Ugh.

Last week, I turned my air conditioner on when the high temperature was above 80 degrees.

However, for the last three days, I've had my heat on. It's freezing. Tonight it's supposed to get down into the 20's. And I just finished putting all the cold-weather clothes away to make room for spring clothes.

Whenever the weather changes drastically in a short period like that, I inevitably get sick. I've had a runny nose, stuffy head and sore throat since Wednesday. I've been living on Propel water, soup and orange juice.

Ugh.

This morning I woke up alone in my bed. Apparently I snored so loud last night R had to move to the living room sofa. I always feel really bad when that happens. My throat felt like I had swallowed barbed wire. I tried to look in the mirror to see if my tonsils were coated in that white gunk from strep.

You know what a uvula is? It's that little dangly thing in the back of your throat.

Here's what a normal one looks like.



Here's mine.




My uvula was the size of my thumb.
I could feel it resting on the back of my tongue.

Ugh.

So once again, all I could manage to swallow this morning was Propel and orange juice. Remember this liquid diet thing, it comes up later.

Beebie got invited by a friend to go see Meet the Robinsons this morning. The boys had wanted to see it too, and I knew they'd be disappointed, so I offered to take them to see something else that I knew Beebie didn't want to see.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Look, I've been lightheaded. I'm not thinking clearly.
That's my defense.

I brought my MP3 player, smuggled some bottles of water and granola bars in my Gigantor purse, and off we went.

I thought maybe something salty would help with the sore throat, so we shared some popcorn. Are you someone who finishes the popcorn before the opening credits are through? Me too.

Anyway, somewhere between ninja fight scenes, my four days of ingesting nothing but liquids hit me all at once. Usually I have Beebie with me to either watch the boys for me or take whichever of them needs to go potty during the movie, but today I was on my own. And I reeeeeeeeeally needed to go.

So it didn't help that the entire movie takes place in pouring rain.

Or that the kid behind me kept kicking my chair and jostling my innards. If I'd had the energy, I'da clocked that little jerk.

Or that the song on my MP3 player was "Three Strange Days", by School of Fish. Fish live in water, y'know.

Next song? "Tones of Home", by Blind Melon. What was the name of that other song they did? Oh yeah, something about RAIN.

I had to pee.

SO.

BAD.

My whole body ached.

And yes, it did occur to me to take both boys by the wrists and quietly explain to them that MOMMY really needed to go potty, but I feared an Ape outburst of epic proportions (ie "NOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!" - I know my children) and I worried that a loud noise would cause my bladder to commit an outburst of its own.

So I waited, thinking eventually one of the Apes would ask me to take him to the potty, then we could all go. Tito, historically, has go potty at least twice during any given movie.

But not today.

UGH.

Meanwhile, my swollen uvula was still absolutely killing me. I was seriously afraid that I would swallow it and choke to death.

Poor widowed R would have to tell my friends to look for the anonymous tombstone that says nothing more than "CHOKED TO DEATH ON HER OWN UVULA", since he was trying to spare me the eternal shame of having my name etched beside my ultimate, unimaginably pathetic fate.

My uvula ached like a sumbitch, and yet there was no doubt in my mind that if I imbibed a single drop of liquid, I would explode into a giant mushroom cloud with a little flaming uvula as its source of ignition.

UGH. UGH. UGH.

I don't know which was worse - swollen bladder or swollen uvula.

I sat in turtle-icious torment until the final frame, and sprinted to the restroom - cross-legged and dragging two small children. It probably looked really funny to anyone who saw me.

I'm happy to say - I made it.

AHHHHHHHH.

And as I type this, my bladder is relieved.
But, alas, my uvula is not.

I sincerely hope my uvula heals before Sunday, so I can be at my best on a day that will undoubtedly test the power of my Power Panties. I really doubt FIL would accept "Sarah has a swollen uvula" as an excuse to miss Brunch At The Club.

Stay tuned for uvular updates.

I'll see if I can get R to take more pictures of it.