March Madness at Chez Karma

Hooooooooooooooooo-wee!! I love the NCAA Tournament! I love the conference tournaments for the automatic bids, I love the invitation show, I love the whole darn thing. Ironically, my alma mater has traditionally crapped out of the first round just about every year. Oh wait, one year in recent memory they made it to the Sweet Sixteen. But that was shortly before the Recruitment Violation Drama and subsequent sanctions began.

Oh, Quin. I loved you. And your suits. And your hair. And your voice. And your hair.

I even gave my youngest son the middle name of Quinn in your honor (thank God I had the sense to add the extra N so I could deny it later).


We had such high hopes that you'd bring the wisdom osmosed from the Great Coach K and turn our program around. Oh well.

So here's the best news out of Columbia in the last month or two - the Tigers beat the Huskers on Sunday so they will finish 11th in the Big 12! YAY! And this week, I believe, is the Big 12 tourney where we'll play Nebraska again in the first round. I hate to be a fair-weather fan, but, guys, yer killin' us.

In other sports news, Minnesota Twins Legend Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett has died of a stroke at age 45. He has to be the reason why Baseball Pants are Stretchy. Seriously. Check out his batting stance. His ass is outside of the batter's box. I even coined the phrase "KPA" - Kirby Puckett Ass - once when trying on jeans ("Hey, do these give me KPA?"). I'm in no way dissing the man's athletic ability, character, or any of his accomplishments on and/or off the field. I'm just sayin the man had an effin enormous backyard.




Oh, and a sexual assault lawsuit, which has nothing to do with anything, I just thought I'd mention it. Here's a lil sumthin I found about Kirby's Dark Side.

Kirby Puckett

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Baseball fans across the country were shocked last year when Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett, one of the game’s most beloved figures, was charged with sexually assaulting a woman at a suburban Minneapolis restaurant.

But that incident was merely the latest in a pattern of alleged sexual indiscretions and violent acts by the former Minnesota Twins icon, according to the cover story by Frank Deford, with special reporting by George Dohrmann, in this week’s Sports Illustrated.

Puckett has pleaded innocent in the restaurant incident, and is scheduled to go on trial March 24 for false imprisonment and criminal sexual assault.

Laura Nygren, whom SI describes as Puckett's "mistress of many years," told the magazine that Puckett resumed an affair with her just seven weeks after he was married in 1986 -- then cheated on Nygren with numerous other women.

After the onset of glaucoma in his right eye forced him to retire in 1996, Puckett began committing lewd acts in public, such as urinating in mall parking lots, Nygren told SI. Her relationship with the ex-ballplayer ended last March after he allegedly threatened her and she obtained a temporary order of protection.

Shortly before Puckett was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in January 2001, a female employee of the Twins threatened to file a sexual harassment suit against the team because of Puckett’s and other men’s behavior. The Twins allegedly made a financial settlement with her, according to SI. The Twins declined to comment to the magazine about this allegation.

Puckett’s ex-wife, Tonya, divorced him in December, barely a year after she told police that he threatened to kill her during a telephone conversation. Over the years, she told SI, Puckett had also tried to strangle her with an electrical cord, locked her in the basement and used a power saw to cut through a door after she had locked herself in a room. Once, she said, he even put a cocked gun to her head while she was holding their young daughter.

Puckett’s upcoming trial stems from charges that he pulled a woman into the men’s room of a restaurant in Eden Prairie, Minn., on Sept. 5, 2002, and fondled her. The woman told police that Puckett released her only when her girlfriend opened the door to the men’s room and screamed.

Puckett, who retired with a .318 career average, 207 home runs, 1,085 RBIs and 134 stolen bases in 12 seasons, helped Minnesota win the World Series in 1987 and 1991. But the 5-foot-8, 230-pound center fielder was revered in the Twin Cities -- and throughout baseball -- as much for his “good guy” nature as for his play.

He and his ex-wife were involved in numerous community projects and during his career he won the Branch Rickey and the Roberto Clemente Man of the Year awards for community service. He’s also a member of the World Sports Humanitarian Hall of Fame.

But that image also was a sham, according to Nygren. One day after he had retired, she told SI, they were together when Puckett said he had to leave to visit a sick child who was waiting to meet him.

“That’s great, you get to make that kid’s day,” Nygren told him. “That must make you feel good.” But she said Puckett just snapped back at her.

“I don’t give a s---,” he said. “It’s just another kid who’s sick.”

Puckett declined to be interviewed for the SI story.

http://www.ootpdevelopments.com/board/showthread.php?t=28104

And, if you're interested, CLICK HERE for another Kirby Tale from twincities.com 2003 that's a little more detailed.


On the subject of Sports Celebrity Boo-tay, word on the street is that Terry Bradshaw's nekkid ass appears in the new movie Failure to Launch. I'll go on record and say that I think Terry's hilarious. I bet he's a fun date. In fact, I'd love to go on a Dream Date with Terry Bradshaw. (Yeah, I know I'm married. R knows I want to hang with TB.) I admire him a whole helluva lot for his efforts to de-stigmatize Depression Meds. And I love that he can laugh at himself. My kinda guy. So if you know Terry, tell him to call me.

Bringin the Dish!

OH

MAH

GAWD...

Keira Knightley, sistah... you looked FANTASTIC. Mad fashion props go out to her and to Selma Hayek.

And, believe it or not, even Hilary Swank actually went for something feminine this year, for a refreshing change of pace.

I was really not blown away by anything Uberheinous this year, but there were a couple of dresses that I really hated.

Charlize, are you hiding the head of Aileen Wuornos in there?

Sandra Bullock, honey, what's goin on with that neckline?

The frock sported by Amy Adams reminded me of a prom dress from the JCPenney catalog. I don't care if it is Carolina Hererra.

And Naomi Watts looked like she narrowly escaped a watery grave on her way to the Oscars.

I liked J-Lo's dress a lot, but I thought her makeup was icky. She looked like George Hamilton put it on for her... in the dark.

I caught some flack on the ol' Knittyboard for saying Jennifer Garner looked like she was pregnant again.

Here's where I'm coming from on that... She had her baby December 1. I myself have sons 10.5 months apart, so I know it's not impossible, ok?? I didn't mean it as an insult. I'm just sayin shit happens.




And I'm sticking to my opinion that her dress, from the angle I saw it, was NOT flattering. Please don't misunderstand me - I think Jen's cuter'n a bug's ear, I love her to pieces, I thought her little bit about how she does all her own stunts was genius comedic timing, but I just was not wild about her dress. Sorry to anyone I may have upset.

And I wasn't a big fan of Reese's dress either. Reminded me of a multi-tiered wedding cake. But major points for staying classy, modest and elegant.





Here's a list of all the Oscar winners. I didn't do so well in my predictions, but I did call it that Crash would upset Brokeback Mountain for Best Picture, did I not? Yes. Yes, I believe I did.

Freecycle Find

So have I ever told you kids about Freecycle? It's the greatest thing ever. It's the place where people who are giving usable stuff away for free. It's fabulous. We've gotten the bulk of our HUGE record collection from Freecycle. We also got Beeb a computer. For free. I've gotten clothes for the kids, books and toys, all kinds of stuff. And it's also a great way to get rid of stuff you don't use. It's totally win/win. It's awesome.

So today, on a Freecycle pickup, I got 2 bags of goofy old Craft magazines. Not just knitting/crochet, but stuff like stenciling and quilting and sewing too. Here's an example:



Cardigans from Sweats. It's so not-funny that it's hilarious.

THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE...

And the Winner, with 8 out of 10 correct is...

Stacie!!!!

Email me your info and I'll get your Kielbasa in the mail!

SPOTTED ON THE RED CARPET --

Here's the Streaming Video Live from Hollywood!!


Some Lesser-known Celebrities are in attendance this evening:





ali before...




and fully Glammified





cpurl17 sportin' the fug



Hilary Swank's evil twin wrapped in Muppet


And finally, the Shrektacular Bezzie in vintage eBay!

Cue The Papparazzi!

Who could forget this Red Carpet Fashion Fiasco?

Is it any wonder that Bjork rhymes with both Stork and Dork? Yeah, I realize it's supposed to be a swan, but, duh - Swan does NOT rhyme with Bjork.

For the record, I love Bjork. She was awesome in Dancer in the Dark. And to her credit, it was a bold fashion choice. But still wrong.

So very wrong.


A Clever Suggestion has been made to incorporate a Red Carpet Fashion Parade into our Online Oscar Zaniness. Anyone who would like to participate, please feel free to take a photo of yourself in your fancypants Red Carpet ensemble and send it to me and I'll post it!

Who's BALLZ enuff to do it???

I am.

I'm goin' for the Cameron Diaz fresh out of bed look. Maybe I'll even mix in some Gwyn-nip action for Shizzelz N' Grizzelz.




Is it Hollywood Law that Celebrity Mansions are forbidden to contain MIRRORS?

A Little Bit of Bloggy Housekeeping to keep me from ACTUAL Housekeeping

Let's see. Where to start.

Oh yeah. The fish that we bought to be the friend of the fish Nat won at a Halloween Party when she was 2 (didja follow all that?) finally kicked it. I was pretty sure that thing was going to outlive me. It was older than both of my sons. I named it Buddy since we got it to be the buddy of the first fish (whom I named Fiddy after R spent Fiddy Damn Dollahs on a stupid fish tank for a 10-cent WalMart goldfish). The kids later changed his (and I'm assuming it's a boy, we never checked) name to Nemo in honor of the Disney Movie Du Jour.

The most memorable event in Buddy's life, in my estimation, was when he we found him swimming upside down. Not floating, mind you, swimming upside down. Buddy looked as though he had somehow swallowed a little bitty teeny balloon and it was forcing him to swim belly-up. Nat was absolutely HYSTERICAL. In fairness to her, this whole debacle occurred last summer, right after her best friend Jack died - a very VERY sad story for another day - so she was beside herself. "Nemo is my Best Friend! All my friends keep dying!!!!" she sobbed.

So R quickly went into Dad Mode and scoured the internet in search of What To Do When Your Goldfish is Swimming Upside Down with a Big Fat Belly.

And here's what he found out.

You have to buy some frozen peas, steam them, shell them, smoosh them up, and feed them to the fish for about 3-4 days. Seemed like it was worth a try, so R went out and bought some frozen peas and we began The Frozen Pea Treatment.

The shit WORKED. Who knew?? A few days later, Buddy was back to his old self. I couldn't believe it.

So I told this story of the Upside Down Goldfish to my friend/Beloved Local Meteorologist, who incorporated the whole sordid tale into a segment on his morning show that he calls "Pick City", where he gives a little schpiel about a particular city and shows what the high temperature will be in that city that day. Usually he does a Pick City theme for the week, like the week before Cardinals Opening Day, for example, he uses cities with Cardinal Player names like Edmonds, Indiana (Gold Glove Centerfielder Jim Edmonds); Albert, Oklahoma (NL MVP Albert Pujols), you get the idea. I set my alarm for 6:15 every morning so I can watch the Pick City part of the show, whether I need to get out of bed or not.

Anyway, the day after I told him the story, the Pick City segment went like this:

"A friend of mine named Sarah told me that her goldfish was swimming - not floating - upside down in the tank, and her kids started freaking out because it didn't look too good for the fish, so her husband went on the internet to find out what to do. It turns out that you have to get some frozen peas, steam them, shell them, mash them up and feed them to the fish for a few days. And they did it, and it worked, the fish is fine, and so in honor of Sarah's fish, the Pick City for today is -

Mashpee, Massachusetts."

It was hilarious.

The fish tank bubbles are still on, because, after 6 years, the house sounds weird without them. Maybe we'll get more fish. Maybe I'll put my sewing machine in the spot where the tank currently resides, as I've been threatening to for quite a while. Or maybe it would be nice just to have some space there. I haven't decided yet.


Moving on -

Poopy Diaper Head Monkeemaven is apparently not convinced that I'm actually related to Amylovie, but I am, and until I can find the pic of my kids playing with her kids at her Moms, my aunt MaryAnn's house, here's the best I can do as far as proving it. Here's a pic from my sister's wedding. MaryAnn (Amylovie's mom) and her husband (my mom's brother Ron) are on either side of the bride's head. I am next to the PreacherMan (my dad). Alas, Amylovie is NOT in that picture, because she quite understandably didn't make the 800-mile trip right after Christmas, but she was there in spirit when the pic I posted yesterday of the 5 cousins popped up in the rehearsal dinner slide show.



The Karma family is planning a trip to South Texas in about a week and a half, and I'm sure some Quality Time will be spent with the Lovie Fam, so I'll see what geneological photodocumentation I can get. Not that I should have to prove my lineage to anybody, sheesh.


Next, it's Oscar Night Eve! Here's the latest update on the Oscar Soiree A La Penny Karma.

Here are the Playahs who have submitted predictions so far:

knottygnome
fluffyewe
spudd
bezzie
tabbytuxedo
trillian_42
MJ
stacie
cpurl17
and then of course there's myself and R.

As it stands, the prediction breakdown is as follows:

For Best Picture, Brokeback Mountain is in the lead with 77%.
Crash scored 23%.

55% of the playahs think Philip Seymour Hoffman is going to win Best Actor. In second place is Joaquin Phoenix in Walk The Line. I watched Walk the Line last night. Reese was a hoot! And wasn't Johnny an ASS when he was messed up? Dang!

George Clooney is predicted to win Best Supporting Actor by 55% of playahs. If you should need a Clooney fix, I recommend O Brother, Where Art Thou. I'm a HUGE Coen Brothers fan. Right behind George (and that's not an intentional play on words although it kinda does sound like one in this context) is Jake Gylenhaal with 44%.

Reese Witherspoon's portrayal of June Carter Cash was Best Actress Oscar-Worthy, according to 55% of the playahs. The other 44% are predicting that Felicity Huffman (and her Prosthetic Penis) will be the Big Wiener. Damn, I'm funny!

In the Best Supporting Actress category, it's a very close race between Catherine Keener (33%), Frances McDormand (who's married to a Coen brother but I forget which one), Rachel Weisz, and Michelle Williams (each with 22%).

Brokeback Mountain was the Best Adapted Screenplay choice for 77% of playahs, Munich got the only dissenting vote.

Crash is the frontrunner for Best Original Screenplay with 44%. Good Night and Good Luck and Syriana each have 22% of the predictions.

And, in what, to many, is the "close your eyes and throw a dart" category of Best Foreign Film, 55% of playahs' darts hit Paradise Now, and 33% hit Tsotsi. Both films actually sound like places in which I would NOT want to be hit by a dart.

Finally, in the ubervague category of Best Cinematography, Memoirs of a Geisha leads the pack with 44% of the predictions. Brokeback Mountain and The New World each garnered a respectable 22%.

There's still time to get your predictions in, if ya wanna be a Playah too! And why wouldn't ya? There's a Friggin Sweet Prize for whoever gets the most right. Noon Sunday (Central Time) is the deadline.


And One More Thing.

Like a True Catholic, which, ironically, I'm NOT, I have figured out a way around my Lenten resolve not to buy yarn.

I'm gonna buy fabric, cut it into strips, and USE it as yarn. Aren't I brilliant?

I think I'll make Tinsel.


Oh wait, one more One More Thing -

I finally bound off the Muppestesque Fug. Yeah, it's every bit as bad as I thought. But I AM gonna wear it to Oscar Night! Take THAT, Hilary Swank!


And don't forget to chime in on Worst Oscar Attire (male and female) on Monday. Nuthin like a little Fashion Bashin'!

Dammit.

I've already broken my Lenten Resolve not to buy yarn. Well, if the auction I'm currently bidding on doesn't go up $2 in the next hour, I will have bought yarn when I said I wouldn't. In fairness to myself, I put the bid in before Lent began. So maybe it shouldn't count. And hey, maybe I'll lose it in the last 30 seconds anyway. Why beat myself up?

Ok, I mean it now. No more yarn. Except when I'm on vacation. If I see a yarn shop in Texas, then yes, I'll have to make a tiny exception. And in April my cousin Amylovie will be opening Yarntopia. Yes, she's my actual blood cousin. In fact, I have a picture of us, her brothers, and my sister that I may have posted before. If I didn't, here it is, and if I did it's funny enough anyway that it deserves to be posted again. Hope she doesn't kill me.

She's in the green top. I'm the tallest. My sister is on the far right.



I've got a couple of Fun Little Contests going, so if you want to get in on the Oscar Par-tay thang, email me your predictions by Noon Central Time on Sunday.

And if you want to get in on the Fuggin Yankee Swap, email another of the world's vanishing breed of Beautiful Geniuses, Domestic Overlord.

And, tomorrow I shall post an Obituary for the 6-year-old Goldfish we just discovered dead in our tank.

UPDATE - Some jaggoff eBay SNIPER got in there at the last possible second and stole my yarn. Dammit. I guess I'm relieved. No, I'm not. I'm bitter. Grrrrrrr.

All right, bitches. You asked for it.

I begin a Tragic Love story. Grab a hankie. I'll wait.

Back? Ok.

Ahem.

Two balls of yarn.
He's Lagoon Montague, a straight-laced ladder yarn.
She's Chambray Capulet, a free-spirited eyelash.
They share a Common Colorway. They share a dream.

One day, they'll make it out of Penny Karma's stash. Somehow, someday, they'll make something of themselves and become Something Meaningful. Something Useful. Something Beautiful.

And they'll always be toegether.

You see potential here, don't you? Maybe? They'd make a cute couple?



And they dated for a while.

The Montagues told Lagoon, "She's not your kind, Lagoon - stick to your own kind! Eyelash yarn is the White Trash of Yarn Society, and we won't allow this relationship to continue! Think of your family, Lagoon! Don't shame us by hanging out with... with... oh, dare we say it... CHAIN STORE YARN!!"

And Chambray's friends told her "Girrrrl, he's too boring to hang with you. Eyelash is Hot Novelty, and Ladder Yarns are at the bottom of the Novelty Yarn Bargain Bin. You better tell him to drag his laddery ass back to KnitPicks. He thinks he's better than Hobby Lobby yarn. He's not good enough for YOU, sistah."

But Lagoon and Chambray wouldn't listen. They thought they were beautiful together. So they eloped and got married, against the advice of everyone.

They dined every night at The Circular Needle, they attended Olympic Events, saw Oscar-nominated movies (including North Country, which had a really cheesy ending, IMHO, but back to the story), and Chambray hoped that Lagoon would ask her if she wanted to become a Knited Prom Dress with him. But it was not to be.





They stayed together for about 3 weeks, and then the honeymoon was over. Something wasn't right. Neither lived up to the other's expectations. He wanted her to lay flat, she wanted him to loosen up. They realized what a mistake their union was.

Sometimes two ugly things can defy the odds and come together in a way that is beautiful. And sometimes two ugly things make a REALLY UGLY THING.

They were doomed from the start. Star-crossed lovers, destined to become nothing more than Unfroggable Muppetesque Fug.



They agreed to attend Yarn Couples' Therapy, where they were forced to take a closer look at themselves. And that didn't make the situation look any better. They were still not right together. As individuals, they were strong, but together, they only brought out the worst in each other. He started drinking and smacking her around, she started sleeping with her boss. Which was an accident, really, I kinda dozed off while knitting and sipping a beer.

If this story had a moral, it would be DON'T KNIT DRUNK.
Unfortunately, it doesn't, because I have no morals.



Note: This color is closer to the real color of it. Chambray didn't look like Grover sitting on the shelf. Honest.

They even tried to find a place to live on the shoulders of an unsuspecting Three-Year-Old Boy. A swarm of papparazzi captured this moment. The boy closed his eyes in humiliation and immediately removed Lagoon and Chambray from his body, even attempting to angrily rip apart their forbidden love. He was quickly tackled by an onlooker and arrested.




But there is good news, my friends!
Lagoon and Chambray have decided to stick it out through the FIRST OFFICIAL KNITTYHEAD FUG-OFF!!

No Turning Back

Those Who Knit know what I'm talking about.

There comes a time, when you're working on a project and you start to get an overall sense of what the Finished Product is going to look like. And then that you suddenly realize that it's more than likely going to SUCK when it's done. Not necessarily because you've made a ton of mistakes, the whole thing could be flawless as far as stitch quality and accuracy. It still just sucks. But you can't quit. You've put too much time and effort into it. And maybe you cling to the hope that it won't be as bad as you think. I call this The Point of No Return.

I got some of that nifty Knitpicks Sparkles in Lagoon in a Swap (I think that's where I got it, I forget), and it looked funny all by itself, so I looked for some pattern ideas, and they show it with Butterfly Kisses. It's kinda eyelashy, which is dangerously close to FunFur (and I know that some people are Violently Opposed to the use of FunFur), but still, I thought it had potential to be pretty. So I found something similar at Hobby Lobby last week for 1.66 a skein, in a color close to Twilight. And I started making what I envisioned as a shawl-type thing. I cast on 3 stitches and increased 1 stitch every row. I started sometime during the Olympics, to give you an idea.

So now the thing's huge.
And blue.
And furry.

And looking an awful lot like Shredded Grover Roadkill.

Seriously, I'm embarrassed to even put a pic up on here. And yet, I can't stop knitting it. And even if I frogged it, what the hell else would I do with these yarns? I keep hoping maybe it's really NOT that bad. Up close, it's kinda pretty. The colors are pretty (sorta), but then I draped it over my shoulders and looked in the mirror.

And it's horrible.
It's really horrible.
It's worse than horrible.
It's Muppetesque.
Muppetacular.
Muppetistic.

I'm just gonna keep knitting it till I run out of yarn. Then maybe I'll post it on eBay, just to see what happens!

Yes. That is what I'll do.

Stay tuned, true believers.