Saturday, January 07, 2006

Martha Stewart Insider Stalk Tips

I found this at -

Top 10 Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart

10. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut from a magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size, the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.

9. That little tell-tale slice of lemon in the dog's water bowl.

8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly like your split-level, right down to the fallen over liquorice downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.

7. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon rose petal and saffron demi-glace with pecan crusted hearts of palm and a delicate mint fennel sauce.

6. The unmistakable odor of potpourri follows you even after you've left the bathroom.

5. You discover that every napkin in the house has been folded in the shape of a swan.

4. No matter where you eat, you discover your place setting always includes an oyster fork.

3. Twice this week you've been the victim of a drive-by doilying.

2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive stuffing in every orifice.

And the number 1 sign you're being stalked by Martha Stewart is. . .

1. You wake up one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely at your temple.

I've been wondering what it would like if Martha Stewart had some vendetta against you. (Wasn't there a Motown group called Martha and the Vendettas? I'm kidding.) I know I'd never want her to be pissed off at me. She'd probably send you organically grown raspberry tartlets with laced with her Great Grandma's secret recipe for homemade meth. Then she'd write a thank you note full of polysyllabic words so that the receiver wouldn't realize they were being verbally berated on hand-pressed papyrus paper. Back when I had a jobby job, I use to love to craft cleverly worded emails peppered with witty barbs and send them to idiot co-workers in order to expose their sub-par vocabulary skillz.

Kinda makes me wonder what it would be like if Alex Trebek was out to get you. I envision him as a little kid getting the crap kicked out of him by his older brothers. Ya think they asked him questions like:

"Hey, Alex - what's 1 to the 100th power?"
"Uhm... a hundred and one?"
"OOOOOH, sorry... sorry... that'll cost you. The Daily DOUBLE TITTY TWISTER!!!"

And as he was weeping and icing his nipples, he vowed revenge.

"Someday, someday I'll have ALL the answers. I will know everything! I will RULE THE WORLD!!! Ok, maybe just Canada..."

So I'm sitting here at my 'puter, reading the Overalls of Shame update on Domestic Overlord's blog, and in walks Ryan, with a bottle of white glue in his hand...

and his pants around his ankles.

This is why it's great to be the mother of boys. Ya never know what's going to happen next. At least it wasn't glitter glue and feathers.

No comments: