Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Don't hate on the girls with big boobs.

Except for this chick. She's a whore.

Yorkie posted ^^this^^ spectacular pic yesterday and I was reminded of a rant.

We've talked about my knockers on here many times, have we not? I've written about my uplifting bra experience as well as the time I freaked out about my nipple rings at my mammogram. Oh, by the way, mark your calendars, as Rip has...

(Isn't he the best? I just love that guy to pieces.)

My follow-up mammogram is on May 14th. Plan accordingly.

Anyway, recently I got a gift card in the mail to the store where Swamp Thing works. Actually, I don't know if she still works there, but last I heard, she did, so I was kinda torn. I have almost gotten through the entire school year without seeing her (fingers crossed!!), so I tried to go on a non- Mom's Day Out day so she'd most likely be home.

I decided to check out the bras. It looked like there were some really cute ones.

Sure there are cute ones, if you're a C cup...

or a B cup...

or an A cup...

or even a "Nearly A". (I'm sorry... NEARLY A??!!?)

Here's what comes in MY SIZE.

Sexy as HELL, right?

It pisses me off to no end because the cute bra thing is kind of a big deal to me. I have a love/hate thing going with my boobs. I kinda like my boobs better when I'm dressed. I love how fantastic they look under a tight sweater or a low-cut blouse.

But aesthetically, I don't think they're that pretty, close up and nekkid. Come to think of it, penises really aren't that attractive to me, either. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my porn n' all, it's just that everybody's naughty bits are kinda weird-lookin, aren't they?

Before I had kids, my boobs were perky and Girls Gone Wild awesome. I wish I'd pierced my nips back then. At age 38, I'm slightly asymmetrical and I've got stretchmarks, veins, and nipple hairs goin' for me. I'm just layin' it out there for y'all. We're all friends here.

Usually, by the time I have my top off, I'll give ya a minute to check out my rack if my bra is cute, and then the lights are going off. You either get to see my boobs while encased in my cute bra, or you get to fondle them in the dark. Only a very privileged few have seen my al fresco nipplage.

So what I'm sayin' is, I count on the cute bra/panty ensembles to feel hella sexy under my clothes, cuz once the clothes are off, don't ogle me or I'll get self-conscious and it'll totally kill the moment. Just cut to the chase.

I get that the little boobies types feel the same way, perhaps - that the packaging is important - but you girls have so much better selection and variety available to you. Why would you want to get implants so your selection becomes white, black, or beige? I don't get that at all.

Itty bitties, I got nuthin against y'all, really. I know you have nothing to do with the complete lack of styles available to the larger girls. It's probably MEN in charge of this disparity, and don't a lot of those men LIKE the big'ns? Why do the bra makers gotta make my life suck?? Having Bodacious ChiChis is no picnic. Trust me.

Oh, and while I'm ranting, can we PLEASE, as a society, come up with some universally accepted standard of the heirarchy between Ultra, Ultimate, Super, and Absolute? Between bra support level and feminine hygiene product absorption level, I'm just fuckin lost. Do guys deal with that, in any aspect of life?

Seriously. Write your congress(wo)man.


SiressYorkie said...

Dude, go back to Cacique! Ever since you got your titslingers last year, that's where I go without fail. Best bras ever, and they're kinda pretty.

The prettiest bras I ever got were out of a package at the ASDA in England (a member of the WalMart family!). I picked my size, paid all of five pounds, and lace sexy bra that holds my ta tas perfectly and makes hubby go, HEEEEEEEEEYYYY whenever I disrobe.

You wanna talk disparity, try bra shopping on two different continents. In England I was a 36DD. In Lane Bryant, I go from 36D to 38DDD, depending on style.

In Germany? *ahem* 80DD. Real encouraging.

BTW, "bra" in German is "Bustenhalter" (umlaut over the U). And nipple is...get ready..."brustwarze" which, directly translated, means "breast wart".

It's a lovely language.

Penny Karma said...

Cacique is the ONLY place I'll ever buy a bra again. The Balconette was nothing short of life-changing.

I am starting to get a little pissy with them too, though, because their cutest prints only come in the Plunge style, and my breast warts tend to peek out of those. It's not nearly as sexy as it sounds.

Anonymous said...

As a self-proclaimed (and spouse-proclaimed) lover of the female breasts, I would disagree about them not looking good up close and nekkid. Just saying. Big, little, asymmetrical, I don't care - just don't give me fake ones. THOSE are the ones that don't look good nekkid (or even clothed...)

I love my porn too (one of these days we'll have to compare collections...), and have seen enough to see a few actresses both before and after boob jobs, and they ALWAYS looked better before.

I'm at a loss to think of anything we guys have to deal with the whole "Ultra, Ultimate, Super, and Absolute" thing... Except how pissed off our spouses are when we pick the wrong one when we're sent out for those afore mentioned feminine hygiene products.

Speed "usually absolutely screwed" Racer

Bezzie said...

YOu're preaching to the choir. The only thing cute about my boobs anymore is the little boy who can be found attached to them five times a day.

Jo said...

I love the fact that you make me snort with laughter at 7 in the morning. I'm beyond the white monstrosity - my cup size and name don't start with the same initial, but it is damn close.

Poops said...

It's cacique for me too, all the way. Especially now that I've figured out how to work my nipple fetishes into the design.

But why not pretty? Is it too hard to make a DDD bra (I'm only a D, sometimes a C but only when sounded as A as in neighbor and weigh) with a cute fabric or a bit of lace?

I want to know who went dress shopping with that bride? Where was the salesperson? What does her mother think? Gah!

Batty said...

That's not a dress. That's... weird.

I hear ya on the bras. They are starting to stock 32D (32DD not so much, but I can squeeze in...) again in more flattering styles. But they used to be uuuuuugly. With a capital UGH. There has got to be a place that sells cute bras in your size!

Boobmeister Rip said...

I just bought a new pair of super-dark-blue denim jeans. I could wash your bras with my jeans and they'd come out a pretty color, I bet!

Boobs are simply wonderful, in EVERY shape and size. Women who don't understand that (and I have met a few) just don't understand the biology of the male mind. Boobs are to men what big puffy red asses are to male baboons. They make us stop, stare, and want. When I was a young boy (like, oh, 6 maybe) I used to think to myself that if I were president I would make all women go topless. Now, at 48, I would modify that a bit, and say "all women under the age of, oh, 55." Over 55 and it would be optional, based on droopage percentage.

I once heard someone say "You've seen one dick, you've seen 'em all."

I say, "You've seen one pair of tits, you pretty much HAVE to see them all."

Not sure if this helped, but any talk of boobs just brings out the boobmeister in me.

Don't judge me on this alone. I just can't help myself.

Penny Karma said...

That reminds me, are we still on for Thursday?

Rip said...

As long as I get to drive.

Of course we are, Boobie! I mean, Baby!