Friday, February 08, 2008


Maybe I'll just call her Swamp Thing so that future sequels will have titles which invoke an appropriate amount of terror. And today I'm going to bury Swamp Thing in so many F-Bombs she won't fucking know what the fuck fucking hit her.

Fire in the hole! FUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

I'm pretty sure Margie ranks even higher than FIL when it comes to people who drive me to unleash my fucking F-arsenal. You might refresh your memory of my previous run-ins with her HERE, HERE and, most recently, the best one, the one that's still freshest in my mind, HERE.

And let me preface this entire sordid tale by letting you know that it took me about 40 fucking minutes to settle down just so I could even start writing. I was pissed off to the point of absolute fucking speechlessness.

I volunteered to attend a field trip with Pie's kindergarten class today. The kids were going to see a stage production of the classic kids' book, Go, Dog, Go. I will admit to you that the only reason I agreed to go was because I love that book and I wanted to see how they could possibly make a play out of it.

Incidentally, in an ironic bit of foreshadowing, I played NWA "Fuck Da Police" in my van on the way there, since I didn't have any kids with me, for once. Cuz ain't nuthin' sexier than a 37-year-old woman in a minivan blaring Gangsta Rap.

Pie's friend Camille was in the group of four (including Pie) entrusted to my care. I informed my group that today was their lucky day because they were in The Coolest Group. The play was very cleverly done and the kiddos liked it.

Earlier this week, Pie's friend John's mom (who is cool) called to ask if Pie could come over for a play date this week. We kinda putzed around with the dates and finally I said, well, I'm going on the field trip on Friday, I'll be up there at the school anyway, so John can just come home with us and hang out for a while. Perfect. We had a plan.

Cut back to today, when I'm picking up both Pie and John from the classroom. This is the first time in his life Pie's had a friend over all to himself, and he and John are tight, since they ride together on the bus to the Gifted building. John's no slouch. The two of them were so excited to leave together, they were hugging and jumping up and down. It was so sweet.

And guess what? Somebody's little princess had her feelings hurt.

And she went and told her Mommy on me.

So 40 minutes ago, while Pie and John were playing Wii in the living room and I was making lunch for them, my phone rings.

It's Margie.

Say it with me, kids: FUCK.

"Hi, Sarah, it's Margie. Look, I know you've got a play date going on over there, and I was just wondering if it was an 'ALL-BOYS THING', or if maybe Camille could come over and play too..."



Seriously. Would you EVER???

"Camille kinda came home with her feelings hurt..."

Ok, I really do understand that. The boys were a little overt and in-your-face with it. They were excited. But tough shit, Camille. And tough shit, Margie. Grow some balls, be the fucking parent and explain to your kid that THAT'S LIFE. Sorry, kid, but yeah, life fucking sucks. And trust me, it doesn't get any better as you get older.

But is that what I said? Of course not. Once again, y'all, I am TOO FUCKING NICE.

(Excuse me while I reload.)

Um, well... I think it might be more fun if we had Camille over another time so it could just be her and Pie...

And she didn't say anything. She obviously wasn't going to let it go. So I thought maybe if I committed to a date and time, that would be enough for her.

How about I pick her up Wednesday after I drop Tito off at 9, and then she and Pie can hang out in the morning and I'll take them both to school after lunch?

You'll notice that I didn't say come drop her off. I said I'll pick her up, meaning SO YOU CAN STAY HOME. Plus, I arranged it so Margie doesn't have to come get her at my house, either. I think I did a pretty fuckin brilliant job of minimizing Margie contact, especially when I had about a half a fuckin second to come up with something to shut her the fuck up.

Would I shit you, My Vast Readership? My hands are still fucking shaking, my jaw is still fucking clenched, I am choking back tears even now, I am SOOOOOOOOOO FUCKING PISSED.

I am just in utter... fucking... disbelief.

I feel like I just want to climb into a scalding hot shower and scrub my own skin off.

Oh, FUCK yeah, she's Swamp Thing from now on. Got that, everybody? Fill in the substitution on your score card, if you're playing along at home. Swamp Thing in for Margie.

Oh, yes, I'm packin major F-BOMB heat in these Power Panties. I think maybe R needs to get me some Power Panties in a lovely shade of Camouflage for Valentine's Day.

Or, I guess I could always Go Commando.
Nah. I like the idea of Camo Power Panties.


Elizabeth said...

Do you like my hat?

Still trying to imagine Go Dog Go as a play...

Mar..., er I mean,Swamp Thing has some nerve. And the girl just needs to learn that sometimes other friends play together and she won't be invited. The sooner she learns that, the easier her life will be.

Kevin said...

I know you're too nice to say this, but the correct answer was, "Yes, it's boys-only, because THAT'S WHAT WAS ALREADY ARRANGED." I'm sorry the kid felt bad that she didn't get to do something cool when someone else did, but that's life and I don't intend to Nerf it down for everyone. (I say metal monkey bars on concrete playgrounds just teach the kids to be more sure about their handholds.)

I hate changing pre-arranged plans at the last minute just to accomodate one person's feelings. Almost as much as I hate not sticking to schedules, including being late.

assertive said...

I would have said (uber friendly and sypathetic):

Aw, that's too bad that she's a little hurt. It's always hard to watch our little squirts learn that life doesn't always feel fair, isn't it?

Yeah, well you know Pie and YourChild get along well. There will be other playdates, won't there!!! (BIG SMILE WHILE SAYING THIS) We'll be glad to invite YourChild some time soon.

I am just fixing lunch, so I can't stay and chat. Buh-Bye now!

SiressYorkie said...

That's a pretty ballsy thing of her to say, but consider that she is the product of a generation of parenting that doesn't understand how not getting what you want is a part of life.

Example: I heard that some kiddie sports leagues took out the idea of keeping score so "everyone felt like a winner".

Example 2: In my first year of teaching, I had 142 kids. At mid-term, 30 of them were failing because they were too f*cking lazy to do homework, bring a pen and paper to class, just the minimum requirement. I was told a low grade was bad for the kids' self esteem and that I might want to "rethink" my grading system. Which leads to...

Example 3: A child will not be held back a grade even if he or she blatantly fails because (and again I quote): "It will make them feel bad about themselves to be the taller kid in the class".

Loss is a part of life. Try to take the moral high road and see it as a chance to help Swamp Thing's daughter reverse the curse of being the fruit of Swamp Thing's loins and learn a real life lesson.

Kevin said...

My thoughts (almost) exactly, Yorkie!

Elspeth said...

Oh my God! I guess you need to get caller I.D. and not answer it when she calls. The nerve of some people!

Elspeth said...

Yorkie, you should read "Generation X Goes to College". Hilarious! It's about a pulitzer prize winning journalist who goes to teach at community college and doesn't get tenure until he literally treats his students like kindergarteners, because his job relies on their evaluations! Sad, yet interesting.

Jo said...

Omigod. I would have never presumed to horn in on someone else's playdate. "Listen, I know you are having a playdate..." WTF - is she spying on you?

Skye said...

I am just like you. And several of my kids' friends' parents are just like Swamp Thing. So I know how un-fun that is.

Tactless Wonder said...

Wow, that's just, wow. I'm at such a loss for words... And yet, like Siresyorkie, why am I so shocked?

I too was called called into the VPs office when I turned in my grades one year...I was told that I was responsible for the Fs I "gave" my students...9 of 167. Right, so #1 they EARNED them. #2 What does that say about the other 95% of my kids?

Anyhow, yeah, you shouldn't have to clean up swapie's mess, I am so sorry.

sophanne said...

To the Tree! To the Tree! To the Dog Par-tee!

Also one of my favorites.

and I have to tell you- I felt some serious passive aggressive shit with the Swamp Thing's last encounter- so not surprised- wish I was.

Beverly said...

Dude, I am soooooo not looking forward to dealing with other kids' parents. And hubs and I don't even have any babies yet. Oy. I'm going to be the parent all the other parents hate - I would have hung up on her.

BammerKT said...

Seriously doesn't everyone know a Swamp Thing? I call mine The Beast and I totally believe that you are too nice in person. I curse and bitch on my own blog, but in person I would never say that stuff you know. I actually think you were MFing BRILLIANT when avoiding messing up your kids play date and let me tell you. That is YOUR JOB as his teethbaring mama. You did great! That poor girl is going to learn some really fucked up behavior from her mom!

God speed on besting the Swamp Things of the world. She's no match for you!

Carina said...

Oh man, she sounds like a mom I knew when Anna was in preschool. The woman was furious with me because my daughter hurt her daughter's feelings. The two had become friends over the summer, but when the schoolyear started up again, Anna went back to playing with her usual friends. Next thing I know, this b**** was giving me dirty looks and all sorts of mean girl crap. I finally got in her face about it and made her tell me what was wrong.

Kids' feelings get hurt. That's life. It sucks, but there it is. My daughter's feelings have been hurt, and so have my son's, and it's part of life. There's no need to call and beg for a playdate, for crying out loud.

You were way nicer than I would've been. That's refreshing, actually, since I'm usually the one trying to make everything work out nicely. Next time, ask yourself what Yorkie would do. :)

turtlegirl76 said...

That's just sad. Who does that? Why the hell is it your responsibility to soothe her little kids' feelings? Isn't that the mommys job? Geez.

Poops said...

I'm wondering why Margie didn't call someone else for a playdate and leave Pie the hell alone? Is your kid the only one that will play with her kid?

I have to say that dealing with other kids and their parents has to be the worst part of parenting that I totally didn't see coming.

Your kids and mine could learn so much from each other. *sigh*

Ed said...

21 instance of the F word, I'm impressed.

"Yes that's it, let the hate flow..."

Swamp thing and the brat both need a good kick up the arse!

Illegitimi Non Carborundum.

ZantiMissKnit said...

Babycakes, may I give you a quote of yours from last August?

"So I forsee some potentially interesting drama this year. I seriously hope she doesn't become the person I can't stand the sight of at this new school. "

I'm glad you were assertive. Camille needs to learn how to fight her own battles. We've all had to go through that.

SiressYorkie said...


"Yes, that's it, let the hate flow..."

Man, Ed, your comments make me laugh in the just the right way...!

I think we should have colourful wristbands with various sayings on them: WWPKD? WWYD? WWPD? and so forth. Heck, let's have an army of those bastards up our arms and just take our pick on any given day.