Thursday, August 03, 2006

Warning: Poop Story. Warning: Hasselhoff Story. (two different stories, I should probably clarify)

Just as I sat down to write about a completely different topic, I heard Tito yelling from an undeterminable area of the house,


Not a towel, wipes.

What can we assume from this? Spilled juice is pretty much ruled out, as wipes are not very absorbent, and even little kids know this (usually after learning the hard way). I'm gonna break it down for y'all who are not parents of pre-schoolers. When they're yelling for wipes, chances are, more than likely, there's POOP involved.

I found Tito ON MY BED. NAKED. Covered in POOP. Scary, no?

Even scarier: The diaper was nowhere to be found.

I'm proud of myself for not getting angry. Really, I am. I didn't freak. I asked Beeb to bring me a wet washcloth with soap on it, and I wiped the little guy down, head (yes, HEAD) to toe. While in the bathroom, Beeb found the poopy dipe in the trashcan and she assured me that T didn't make as big a mess as I'd feared. Thank GOD.

I actually told him I was proud of him for trying to take care of it himself. We've been working really hard on emphasizing the Independence that comes with being Fully Potty Trained. Oh, remember the pic I put up of the Potty Picnic the kids had with Tito on the potty? I forget when it was, exactly, but that was literally the last time any of us could get him to sit on the damn thing. He shrieks in terror at the very mention of the word Potty.


Today, I got all Dr. Phil on him and asked him to tell me why he doesn't like potties. Turns out, he's afraid he'll fall in and get flushed into the ocean. I'm thinkin, Dude, it's been hot enough, if I could I'd flush my damn self into the ocean right now...

So we dusted off The Singing Potty. Ok, it doesn't really sing, it plays a fanfare whenever somebody does something on the potty. By "does something", I don't even necessarily mean Peeing, I mean moving around even just a little bit. It's motion-sensitive.

Anyway, he got the "pull the dipe off" part, I just wish it had been in conjunction with the "sit on the potty and let the Poop come out THERE" part. At this point, though, I'll take what I can get.

Ok, so onto what I was GONNA write about -

If you happened to read my post yesterday, you saw that I was waffling (I love the word Waffle as a verb) about whether or not I was going to watch America's Got a Serious Lack of Talent. Well, curiousity got the best of me, I'm ashamed to say. I did get to see Brandy's Worst Hairdo EVER (girrrrrrrrrrrl,what is WITH those bangs??) and the Burlesque Dancer gyrating on David Hasselhoff's Beloved KITT. If you didn't see it, you couldn't PAY me to describe it to you. Seriously. It started out kinda clever, and it so quickly spiraled into the abyss of poor taste - I mean, that's about the best I can do to paint a picture for you without reliving the horror myself. And it was bad enough the first time.

Maybe there's a link on the web site, lemme check...

Ok, click here and scroll down to Semifinal Highlight "How far will Michelle go..."

Don't say I didn't warn ya.

And, in case you felt profoundly disappointed that you missed David Hasselhoff's classic stylings on America's Got a Bunch of Fuckin Freaks, fear not! The Beloved German Wonderboy (as in "I Wonder Why The Hell That Buttmunch Is Still On TV")is "singing" on TONIGHT's show. LIVE.

Again, consider yourselves warned.

And finally, if you dare, HOFF BLOG!!!
Click here.

God help you.


Poops said...

I got excited. I saw "poop story" and thought it was about me for a second...

Was the best part of "Michelle's Knight Rider Table Dance" the HORRIFIED look on Brandy's face? I think she was more taken aback at Michelle's wobbly white thighs than she was the dance.

Jennifer said...

Well, I'm glad that T. is getting in the ballpark of the potty. That's positive movement, no pun intended. Ok, bad pun, cut me a break. :-)

OldLadyPenPal said...

DH. i hate myself for loving you.

DomesticOverlord said...

Okay first of all, our kids must be on some kind of brain link because Lola Beans also removed a diaper today and we never did find it. Luckily she didn't crap on anything before her butt was rewrapped in absorbant goodness.

Secondly, if you do flush yourself to the ocean, stop by my house on the way, we're about 10 manhole covers from the Pacific. Hose yourself off in the yard before you come in though, please.

Lastly, why on earth is David Hasselhoff calling himselef "The Hoff"? Does he think it makes him edgy and cool? It doesn't. All it does is seriously ruin his camptastic vibe.

Rain said...

If it's any conselation, David Hasselhoff isn't potty trained either. A photo of him drunk as a skunk with a suspicious wet patch was slapped all over the British press last week.

Anonymous said...

Hey PK I googled myself and saw that you had a mention of me on your blog. I am not surprised because I am a chick magnet. Females of all ages dig me almost as much as I dig myself. Brandy finally had a quick wit and good line when Michelle threw her bra on the desk. I hope you caught my song last night I was just fabulous. Did you notice when I went and got Brandy for a little dance how I put the hip grind on her? That just drove her crazy. Dan caught it and had to rewind(tivo) to show his wife what a real pig I am. Brandy I am sure really enjoyed it and I am sure you were jealous that it couldn't be you on stage with me. I was thinking if you or the rest of you knitting girls would like, you could knit me a muscle shirt. Until next week. Hang in there I know it seems like forever waiting to see me again.

The Hoff

Bezzie said...

Classic poop story. How long does blogger archive? Can you show that one to Tito's girlfriend someday?

And for the record, Germans HATE David Hasselhoff. My sister in law is fresh off the boat German and she has no problem with sauerkraut/bratwurst stereotypes, but mention "The Hoff" and duck!

Starfish said...

Okay so first I'm going to ignore the poop story cause if I think about it too much, I will seriously call my agency and call of this adoption thing.

Second, that show is like a freaking train wreck, you just can't tear your eyes away from the horror. Like you, I thought the KITT thing was clever until, well until 5 seconds after she started removing the outfit.

Sharpie said...

Holy Crap - no pun intended. I give you Mother of the Year award for not tearing your own hair out right there as i would have done if there was poop on my bed - I'm just sayin.

The Fluffy Ewe said...

I agree with Sharpie. *shudder, twitch* DS stuck his finger in his diape the other day and pulled out a finger of poo. I hit the roof and pulled, what was known growing up, as an "Aunt Pam". I freaked out. You Da Mom, PK.

I thought Michelle's gyration was pretty fun but she does need to firm up those thighs. Gotta give the lil trollop props for prancing around half naked on national teevee, she got some balls.

ZantiMissKnit said...

WTF? How did I miss such a trainwreck of a TV show? Me, who owns the soundtrack from WB Superstar?! Me, who watches America's Next Top Model *religiously*?! Now I know where I'll be Wednesday!

Oh, and I've got a poop story: when I was little I painted the walls with my poop, not once but TWICE. Once in my bedroom on the nice pink pinstriped wallpaper my parents just put up (and had to replace immediately) and once at a rented cabin on a lake in NH.

I don't do that anymore.

DomesticOverlord said...

Um... Who was pretending to be "The Hoff"?

Penny Karma said...

Hoff - isn't "Google-ing yourself" how you hurt your hand in the first place?

Dan said...

Sorry that was me trying to play the role of the disgusting pig, please don't hassle me for it.

I realized how much I miss Chuck Barris and the Gong Show. I used to really like...its GENE GENE THE DANCING MACHINE.

That's the straight poop.

Penny Karma said...

Dan, I used to LOVE the GONG SHOW.

And the $1.98 Beauty Show with Rip Taylor.

SiressYorkie said...

Well, I can't say I wasn't warned about that video. Cause I was. But really, I wasn't warned enough because I felt everything intestinal burble ominously when I saw those wobbly thighs jiggle. BLERK.

Sorry about The Poop Incident...that sounds like a particularly gnarly day that you didn't need. Errrrgh.


buttercup said...

OH MY GOD!!!!! Had to follow the link... My EYES!!!!!!!!

I never saw that show before my parents made me watch it the other night. Yes - they made a 44 year old woman watch the train wreck. That's the one downside about staying with them - I must watch the TV they watch.