Monday, August 21, 2006

Dean Intervenes, and Happy B'day FIL - Have Some Butter!

And the hits just keep on comin':

Dear Sarah,

Thank you for contacting Farter Communications.

I understand that you need a clarification with your billing.

I apologize for the inconvenience that this may have caused to you.

I would like to inform you that I am not authorized to provide the information of the bill beyond 6 months service. Hence I would request you to contact our customer care representative via telephone at 800-581-0081 to get the information regarding this issue. These representatives will be able to assist you better in resolving your issue.


Farter Communications

Yeah. Dean's telling me to call the people I already called, right after the collection agency called me - the ones who SHOULD have called ME at least once over the last four years. I'm starting to think it was worth $150 to sever, once and for all, any ties I may have had with this Conglomeration of AssClowns.

So this weekend was the first major test of my more than two-week old caffiene-free/Wellbutrin free lifestyle. And guess what? I survived! As you may know, normally I begin stressing out 24-48 hours prior to a scheduled visit with the Inlaws. And I did not merely make it through Saturday, but I:

- discovered I'm once again WAY overdrawn (thanks to having to pay the $150 to Farter), and yet, didn't panic

- took the kids to the Library

- attempted a new recipe for a treat to take out to FIL for his birthday

- did laundry

- spent a full 30 minutes waiting for Tito to pee on his little potty, only to give up, put a diaper on him and change him 2 minutes thereafter

I actually got all the way through Saturday without even realizing it was a Saturday.

Then came Sunday. Normally, I'm white-knuckling it the whole 45-minute ride out to Chez FIL. This time, I brought some knitting, and R hooked up the dual-screen DVD playing Ren and Stimpy in the backseat for the kids. What a proud moment in my parental career; listening to my kids laugh hysterically at classic gross-out, twisted, rude cartoons. They loved it. My mother would kill me.

By the way, Ryan believes that I can make anything out of yarn. He wants me to knit him a duck and a trophy. I'm so flattered by his confidence in my ability.

Sunday went surprisingly well. And there was certainly potential for the day to suck. MIL and FIL had kept the Aldikids overnight, as Rev and Mrs. had somehow acquired tickets to the Rams game. I'm guessing someone was giving away free tickets, I'm pretty sure they didn't pay for them, as they are among the absolute cheapest cheapasses I've ever encountered.

If you're new to this blog, review the Aldi posts real quick:


The Rev kept taaaaaaaaaalking and taaaaaaaaaaalking about the game - now remember in Napoleon Dynamite when Kip says "Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been online chatting with babes ALL DAY..." Imagine the same voice saying "Yeah, what was so bad about the game was that the Rams were really bad, but the Texans really weren't very much better...if the Rams had just played better defense, we probably could have won..." Kip is TOTALLY The Rev.

Anything you say, The Rev'll think of a condescending yet incredibly pathetic statement that's intended to make you feel as though you know nothing and he knows everything. It's fascinating to me, because this is SUCH a FIL trait. And he talks FOREVER. Another FIL trait. I would so love to be a fly on the wall when The Rev goes to hang out with his FIL, Mrs. Aldi's dad, another self-deluded genius who thinks he knows everything worth knowing. I imagine it's a hilarious White Trash Dipshit Idiot Pissing Match that would end with the words "HEY, WATCH THIS!"

Here's a hypothetical conversation you might recognize:

Mrs. Aldi's Dad: Rev, I reckon... you know a lot about... cyberspace? You ever come across anything... like time travel?
Rev Aldi: Easy, I've already looked into it for myself.
Mrs. Aldi's Dad: Right on... right on.

But anyway, my recipe for homemade toffee bars was quite well-received. Lemme let you in on a lil secret. FIL has high cholesterol. Every recipe I take out there has a minimum of two sticks of butter in it. MMMWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. FIL liked the toffee (four sticks of butter) and has requested that I make the white chocolate fudge I took him when he was in the hospital (two sticks of butter) the next time we go out there. I was all too happy to oblige.

Oh, while I'm thinking about it, for his birthday gift, I framed a piece of really pretty Marbelized Paper that Beeb made at her art class over the summer. It had her name in the bottom corner, and it looked really nice. His reaction wasn't "Oh, that's beautiful!", it was "You should have written the date on it".

The old me would have gotten pissed, but this new me just had to laugh - that was a complaint I sure hadn't anticipated. Seriously, it must be such a chore for him to think of new snide comments. Just shutting the hell up and saying thank you would be so boring. Thanks, FIL, for keeping it fresh. Jackass.


Ann said...

Hello, got here via Spinster Jenn -- Your Charter rant alone has me hooked (asswipes), but the FIL... and the butter ... snort. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

I really don't think I sound like eeyore or CB's teacher. So what if the tickets were free. If someone offers them should I say no? Also you don't need to be a fly on the wall, the next time I go to my Father in law's home you are welcome to come along and get to know us. Maybe then you won't be so critical. I have been reading for a while and find your view of the family slightly twisted but yet amusing. I have not yet decided if I will share this with "Mrs. Aldi".

LadyLungDoc said...

Oh dear - tell me that the new photo is not a representation of the waxing error to end all waxing errors.

Penny Karma said...

You don't scare me, anonymous. Since we both know I'm training to be a cage fighter.

Jennifer said...

You should go into stand up comedy. I'm laughing my a## off. The Kip bit is hilarious.

turtlegirl76 said...

You're such an evil genius. Love it! 4 sticks of butter. Heh.

Ali said...

Love the Kip routine. Congrats on your "free" two week period.

Shit, you are one funny woman!!!!

Rachel said...

Ugh! A collection agency called me last month to inform me that I owed $154 to Farter from 3 years ago. Rat bastards.

I went off Wellbutrin last December. I had a month of delirious happiness followed by months of dealing with life issues like a sane person. Huh. Go figure.