I've finally found my true calling!

Can I get an amen??

It's clearly my destiny to scan the internet for pictures of freaky people "wookin pa nub" in all the wrong places! Wow, and it only took me 30 years to figure out what I was meant to be when I grew up. Too bad it doesn't pay very well.

I've been so busy keeping tabs on the unsavory, I've forgotten to update you on several things. In fact, I've been so preoccupied by it, I missed the Big Bro finale (Mike Boogie was the ultimate winner, even though I still say he's a loser), and the premiere of Dancing With The Stars! I'm totally slacking on my Reality TV watching. Tonight is SURVIVOR and CELEBRITY DUETS!! And The Amazing Race starts on Sunday, I think. I'm SO psyched for that.

Last weekend I wowed the family once again with my genius garter-stitch squares! I love impressing non-knitters with the easiest possible knitted item I could muster. I made a small baby blanket from stash yarn and a baby bib from dishcloth cotton (Mason-Dixon Knitting). I didn't finish the baby kimono in time but I've got friends with babies coming so it'll go to someone.

Currently on the needles - a surprise for my favorite meteorologist, the suave and debonair Glenn Zimmerman. His birthday's tomorrow and it won't be done by then, but it'll get done eventually, and it'll be awesome. So what did I do for his birthday? I bought a Superman card, cut out a picture of Glenn's face from his station's website, glued it to Superman's body and put a W where the S is on his outfit. He is now WEATHERMAN. I thought it was kinda clever. I didn't think to take a picture of it, since I'm hoping he'll show it on the air and I'll be able to take a picture of that. Gosh, he's cute. Sigh.

We took the kids to the drive-in again, this time to see Barnyard and Talladega Nights. Peoplewatching wasn't as good as it usually is, but Beeb met a very nice boy from Belleville while we were there. His name was Dominic and he was also in fourth grade. She met him on the playground and they talked until the movie started. He seemed very sweet, but alas, it was not meant to be as he lives an hour away.

Beeb's having a bit of a hard time at school. Last year she had some trouble making new friends after her best friend Jack had died over the summer, but she met two nice little girls named Ashley and Edie. Even though Ashley and Edie were in a different class, Beebie became best friends with them. This year, Ashley and Edie are again together in a different class, and Beeb is trying to be friends with them still, but they appear to be eschewing her in favor of a girl named Miranda who is in Beeb's class. Miranda told Beeb that Edie said she didn't like Beeb anymore. Beeb went to talk to the school counselor, and the counselor called Miranda in to confront her about hurting Beeb's feelings.

Beeb asked Miranda, "Well, how would you feel if I told you that somebody you thought was your friend said that they didn't like you anymore?"

And Miranda's little bitch ass said, "I wouldn't get upset because I can ALWAYS make MORE friends." What a snot, right??!!?

Beeb called Edie yesterday to ask if she really told Miranda that she didn't like Beeb, and Edie denied it. So it'll be interesting to see what goes down on the playground today. The good news is that Beeb's invitation to Ashley's birthday party came, finally. She was really nervous that Ashley wasn't going to invite her. Of the three, I know Ashley and her family the best, and I can't imagine that she would be that mean to Beebie.

She's just getting into that dynamic where little girls are figuring out who their friends are and the Mean Girls are starting to emerge. I was so much like Beeb when I was little, I totally feel her pain and frustration. I don't know if I ever really got over being picked on by the Mean Girls back in the day.

Perhaps that's why I take such delight in pointing out these guys for your amusement. I feel like I'm at the lunchtable with the Cool Kids.



Man boobs. Mmmmmmmmmmmm. Sexy.












He's either deep in thought or his shirt's buttoned up so high it's cutting off his circulation.











Oh my GOD! Billy Chenoweth!!












That's not bad lighting, gals. He's an ape. Personally, I wouldn't let him on my white comforter for fear he'd shed all over it.

More Reasons to Be Glad You're Married

Trust me, I'm having just as much fun with this as you are. And so is R, since he looks God-like in comparison.

If you're just tuning in, these are actual profile photos from a popular online dating site.



I kinda wonder if we interrupted something here??








Hope you like casino buffet food!










That's a beard.










For this guy, it was the two-handed grip on the belt buckle that caught my attention.










And what's sexier than a greasy combover? YEEEEEAH BABY!!!!

Ladies, I do the research so you don't have to.

No need to thank me.

Since we all had such fun last time, I thought I'd post a few more actual profile photos from an actual online dating site.



Check out the bulge on this guy.







Dude, naked pictures come MUCH later in the relationship. Maybe even, like, never.






What girl wouldn't love to bring this charming gentleman home to meet her parents?










Dude. "Mug Shot" and "Chick Magnet" are sooooooooooooooo far from synonymous, at least in my book.








I sure hope he's going for the obvious cock joke here and not simply posing for a photo with a rooster just for the sake of it.

Personality Goes A Long Way

Introducing... A New Feature at BMB*

Is That Seriously The Best Picture You Could Find For Your Profile?

These are actual photos that I found on my favorite online dating site. And no, I'm not looking for a date.


A pic of a guy on the floor on all fours, I just... I dunno. Hey, doesn't he kinda look like Victor from Young & the Restless?



Impressive. But weird.




I might expect to see a dude in makeup on the Men Seeking Men (not that there's anything wrong with that) area of the site, but he's looking for a lady. And perhaps, makeup tips. It's fair to say that some men look really hot in makeup - Johnny Depp, for example, or Nick Rhodes circa 1984. I guess I'm most disturbed by the blue eyeshadow on a person (regardless of gender) with brown eyes.




Look at the difference between the color of his face and the color of his hands.





Dude, if your face hasn't seen a camera since Prom Night '78,
you're probably NOT gonna score.





Words fail me.




And I'd like to set this last guy up on a blind date with my ol' pal Spell Check. I'm pretty sure they haven't met.



KLIK HEAR four hiz profyl.

I probably should have linked the rest of the photos to their profiles. Sorry. I'll do that next time.



And in the interest of full disclosure, here's MY personality profile.


My Personality

Neuroticism	66
Extraversion	80
Openness To Experience	37
Agreeableness	15
Conscientiousness	40

Test Yourself Compare Yourself View Full Report Bebo, MySpace Codes and MySpace Layouts by Pulseware Survey Software

Apparently I'm neurotic and disagreeable, and I LOVE to tell other people about it.

That's me in a nutshell, pretty much.

My advice for wacky fun:

Make friends with the WalMart Customer Service Desk workers. They have the BEST stories.

Today I heard about a customer who attempted to return an empty bottle of lotion, her Reason For Return starting out as "the plastic bottle was defective and the lid came off by itself and it spilled out" and when the manager inspected the bottle and found nothing wrong with it, her story became "it must have evaporated". This same customer had once attempted to "return" a magazine. The magazine had a torn mailing address label on it.

WalMart kinda set themselves up to be challenged on returns with what used to be an unbelievably lenient return policy, but apparently too many people abused it, and now they're layin' the smack down. No, you can't return an empty bottle of lotion or a magazine that you've subscribed to. Sorry. I think I might actually kinda like the job of WalMart Customer Smackdown Agent.


And, moving on, have you ever been in a strange situation where you think of an Old Wives' Tale/Home Remedy that applies, but you can only remember part of it? Or maybe more of a Half-Remembered Hints From Heloise kind of thing?

Let me set it up -

On Wednesday I got my hair cut for the first time since Memorial Day. I hate spending $40 for a haircut, but she made my hair look pretty good, and I was happy with it. Fast forward to the end of the day when I fell asleep without washing it. Thursday morning was aerobics and I got up and put on my outfit thinking I'd take a shower when I got back. Well, instead I ran a whole bunch of errands and came home to chill for a bit until I realized it was time to go pick up the food we ordered for Market Day at Beeb's school.

I didn't really have time to take a shower and wash, dry, and attempt to style my hair, so here's where my brain thinks it remembers hearing or reading something about how when you don't have time to wash your hair and it's starting to look a lil greasy, you should sprinkle cornstarch in it.

WHY did this enter my mind as a feasible solution? Is there even the tiniest bit of truth to it? Is it a valid Heloise Hint or an Old Wives' Tale/ Home Remedy or am I combining totally unrelated remedies or something? WHY did I think this would work? I have no idea. But I convinced myself it would. I took a teaspoon and sprinkled it, a little at a time, into the part of my hair, where it looked the slimiest.

The best I can come up with as far as the chronology of my thinking process, is that I thought baby powder would work, then I realized I have no baby powder, and immediately I remembered seeing Cornstarch as a key ingredient in baby powder.

So I think that must be how my brain got from point A to point B, only the thought took place subconciously in the blink of an eye, before I had time to pass it through my "logic" filter, which, granted, isn't 100% accurate anyway. It sounded like a good idea at the time, but now, looking back, I can't believe I thought it would work.

You probably know what cornstarch does to gravy, right?

It turned the part of my hair, which maybe didn't look that bad to begin with, into a gunky white mess. Remember Bride Of Frankenstein? Yeah. And now that I'd wasted the time sprinkling baking products into my scalp, I had even less time to make myself presentable. So I ended up doing what I should have done in the first place.

I put on a damn HAT.

So today I went online to research this Questionable Home Remedy, to see if I could figure out why I even thought of it. Apparently, cornstarch works as a dry shampoo FOR DOGS. It can also be used to get serious grease like Vaseline out of your hair, but you have to WASH IT OUT. That's the part I forgot. Plus, my hair wasn't seriously greasy to begin with, so it really didn't even warrant a cornstarch treatment anyway. I'm an idiot.

Bonus: Cornstarch Tip from hairboutique.com:

Store some cornstarch in a glass jar in your bathroom. Keep in mind that cornstarch can be messy. Use as little as possible. Pour a little cornstarch into a saucer. Dip the tips of your fingers in the powder and then dab on the oily areas of your hair. Fluff gently. Use a paddle brush to remove. Don't forget to rinse the brush after use.

Cornstarch or any dry shampoo can be very messy. Remember that a little bit goes a long way so limit your use of the powder as much as possible.

I tried the fluffing thing. Didn't try a paddle brush.

Turns out, cornstarch also works well as a home remedy for JOCK ITCH. Duly noted.


And finally, in Celebrity Duets News:

Caroline has left the City.

All right, who watched it??

Curse you, Mike Boogie! And why does he feel like he has to send a billion Shout Outs (or is it Shouts Out?) to all his buddies at home like he's this big stud? Last night while we were watching the show, I sacrastically said, "Oooooh, yer a big stud, Mike Boogie!" and Tito parrotted back, "OOOH! You big suck my booger!"

I hate when it comes down to two coat-tailing players in the Final Two. I'd vote for Erika just because I don't want Boogie's wannabe ass to win.

And then it was time for (drumroll) Celebrity Duets! I think of myself as a pretty good writer, but I'm concerned that my vocabulary lacks the verbage that can adequately convey exactly how much this show SUCKS. I tuned in early enough to see the opening bit, with Lea Thompson's creepy little shoulder-shake shimmy thing and Alfonso Ribiero's goofy hand gesture that looks like he's throwing signs to Isaac from the Love Boat.

I wonder if perhaps the show's creators realized that it might be difficult for the contestants to take criticism from a 73-year-old man in a white sequined turtleneck/blazer ensemble and a slightly askew Shiny Mullet wig, so it looks like it's Little Richard's job to make absurdly vague comments to the contestants. Seriously, what would your reaction be if Little Richard told you,

"Oh mah goodness, yes you did! Yes you did! Andhewasoverhereandhewasoverthereandeverythingand,
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY!!"

Ummmm, thanks?

It's kinda like Old School Nipsey Russell plus Eddie Murphy doing the James Brown RubbaDubintheHotTubFullaWatah. Like you can catch a few words that rhyme, but most of what he says comes out like jibberish puncutated with his trademarked interjection, the vibrato "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

I'm also wondering if somebody told Marie Osmond to incorporate a witty remark utilizing each contestant's name when giving her critique. I tried to make mental notes of these (I thought about writing it all down, then I thought that taking notes on Celebrity Duets just might make me the most pathetic creature alive), and the ones I remember are "Hal to the Chief", and "They Love Lucy". She made some ridiculous little quip for everybody. It was effin weak. Give it up, Marie.

David Foster is clearly the designated badass of the three. And if you're not a badass compared to Marie Osmond and Little Richard, well, then you're a total fucking pussy.

At Press Time, the Celebrity Duets website hadn't been updated (hmmmmmmmmmmmmm...), so here's your recap. I'd give a spoiler alert, but I don't think I can really spoil THIS show. Edit - read the Official Recap here. Mine's funnier.

Cutiepoo Hal Sparks sang "I Wanna Know What Love Is" with Wynonna, who appeared to be wrapped in a large rug. And then he dry humped her on the stage. Think I'm kidding?

Lucy Lawless sang "Whenever I call you Friend" with Kenny Loggins, and she messed up the words. It was funny. Has Kenny Loggins aged a day since Footloose? He has a bit of a Dick Clark School of Self-Preservation thing going on. Maybe he keeps his head in a jar of formaldehyde and screws it on before he leaves the house in the morning. Hey, it's just a theory.

Alfonso sang "On The Wings Of Love" with Jeffrey Osborn, and he wasn't bad, but it didn't really wow me. And Jeffrey sported an expression that communicated a pure sense of "What the EFF am I doing here??"

Cheech sang "Been There" with Clint Black, and it wasn't bad either, but I don't think they'll be touring together anytime soon. After their song, Host Wayne Brady asked "Hey Clint, how is singing with Cheech different from singing with your wife, Lisa Hartman Black?" Clint said something about how his wife doesn't wear a pink tutu, and I thought to myself, somebody really should have rethought the whole "LIVE" aspect of the show.

I'm still not 100% sure that I'm not dreaming the whole thing.

Lea Thompson, in a stretchy, glittery microminidress with a silver chain belt slung low on her 12-year-old-boy hips, sang "Heaven is a Place On Earth" with Belinda Carlyle. Belinda, compared to Lea, looked like like she'd just come from her part-time job at Ann Taylor. Belinda, you're beautiful, you don't have to wear a tea-length black knit dress. The dress wasn't ugly or unflattering, it just really seemed an odd choice for this venue. Lea throws an extra syllable into certain words, like the word Heaven. It comes out like Heh-Oven. She does that Cher-throaty thing (think "If I Could Turn Back Tah-hah-yum") and I guess she thinks it sounds all Rock N Roll or something, but it doesn't. Someone really should tell her.

I can't decide if I dislike Lea Thompson or Carly Patterson more. Carly sang "I'm So Excited" with One of the Pointer Sisters. It was every bit as horrible as you can imagine, if for some reason you wanted to imagine it. I kinda want to pull Carly aside and say "Girl, what are ya thinkin?" I'll make you a deal, Carly. When you get booted off the show, I'll sing "I'm So Excited" just for you. K?

Jai sang "Back at One" with Bryan McKnight and brought the house down. He is GOOD! The best on the show, by a landslide. If Jai recorded a CD, I'd buy it. Ok, maybe not buy, but I'd certainly look online for a free download.

TUNE IN TONIGHT for the LIVE Results Show!

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

MUST-SEE TV!

Tonight is BIG BROTHER! And CELEBRITY DUETS!!! And the best part is that they're not on at the same time so the flow of my evening won't be messed up!

Big Brother FINALLY got interesting when Janelle's brain and spinal cord finally made contact and she evicted WILL! YAY!! Janelle and Erika compared notes and figured out that the boys had been promising them both the same things, so hopefully they'll stick together and get rid of the worthless leech, Boogie. Tonight is part two of the last HOH competition (Erika won the first part), LIVE. Should be good. If it comes down to Erika and Janelle in the end, I think I'd have to vote for Janelle. Personally, I wish there was a 24/7 live feed to the Jury House. That's where the real fun is.

And then, at 9/8 central is CELEBRITY DUETS! I'm all tingly with anticipation! If you missed it last week, I highly recommend you devote an hour of your time to this show before someone at Fox actually watches it and yanks the plug. I don't even want it to get good, I actually want it to contiune to suck, perhaps even spiral downward. Is that wrong?


And in a few weeks - DANCING WITH THE STARS!
Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!

In case you haven't seen the lineup:

Tucker Carlson: Bowtie-wearing MSNBC News Anchor

Joey Lawrence: sportin' the Howie Mandel 'do. He goes by Joseph now, kinda like how Debbie Gibson became Deborah Gibson. Whatever. WHOA, Blossom! (Did anybody else LOVE that show??)

Mario Lopez: SLATER, Greg Louganis, total hottie

Emmitt Smith: Football LEGEND. (What, you couldn't get Michael Irvin?)

Vivica A. Fox: Gorgeous actress, from Kill Bill

Harry Hamlin: From L.A. Law, Former Sexiest man Alive, married to Lisa Rinna (the ORIGINAL and best Billie Reed)

and GET THIS - Jerry Springer.

Former Mayor of Cincinnati who tried to run for Governor of Ohio but foolishly paid a hooker with a check, talk show icon (if you can call his show a "Talk" show), yes, THAT Jerry Springer. Won't that be sumthin?

and these people too:

Monique Coleman (Actress), Sara Evans (Singer), Willa Ford (Singer), and Shanna Moakler (Beauty Queen/Actress)


I want my Bad TV!


Here's some other stuff that's goin' on -

I'b sick. I habba code.

Tito has begun referring to himself in the third person. It's so annoying.
Example: I'll say, Hey Tito, c'mon, let's go try on the potty!
And he'll say, Tito no wanna go potty.

Tito made it through Day One of preschool without a "Code 2". He went to the potty and tried when everyone else went, but nothing came out.

Y'know, I just wanna apologize for all the Potty Talk in this blog. I really should talk more about knitting. The Baby Kimono is currently blocking and awaiting seams. There ya go. Minimal Knitting Content. Oh! And I got a swift!

Beebie is running for Student Council. She ran and lost last year, and she handled it gracefully, so I'm proud of her for running again.

Pie had his photo taken for a Fundraising Brochure for the facility that provides his Aquatherapy. The photographer thought he was a hoot. I can't wait to see how the pics turn out.

R ran over a stump while he was cutting the grass and killed the lawnmower. So we bought our third mower in as many years.

I'm still going to aerobics. Bellydancing starts on the 18th.

That's about it. But before I go, More Searches that lead to my blog:

I think I may just compile them all onto one page.

Mariska Hargitay in Thong Panties.
Fox2 News City Knits
Bra Whisperer.

Whining and Dining with the Inlaws

This was just a kinda weird weekend.

Sunday I took my famous white chocolate peppermint fudge out to Chez Inlaw. We arrived at about lunchtime and MIL informed us of their "plans" - by "plans" I mean plans that are really more ideas than plans, and it is clearly communicated to us that we have the ability to veto these plans for whatever reason, but R and I both know that if we say no to these plans, there's probably not a backup "plan" in place, which means we'll sit around awkwardly, indefinitely. Oh, and somehow, the Aldis managed to weasel out of making an appearance, so unfortunately I didn't have them there to entertain me.

These were the "plans":


An Open House at a home still under construction. Complimentary Wine and Cheese.

An Artist's Studio Sale. An artist who specializes in Pottery.

And an Art Opening. With More Wine and Cheese.


No, you didn't skip over the "fun for the kids" part. There WAS no fun for the kids part. If anything, the kids were totally miserable because they have to behave in a manner that is completely unreasonable to expect little kid to behave. But this is how they've always operated, according to R. FIL decides what he wants to do. And everybody else is along for the ride, like it or not. And ya better act like ya like it.

What's that you say, eight-year-old R? You want to be on a baseball team this summer? Sorry, Dad wants to go sailing. Nobody ever got to do anything that conflicted with anything FIL wanted to do. Especially R, the youngest of three.

Now, all of the aforementioned "planned" events are things I actually would have enjoyed if R and I were Sans Apes, but obviously we weren't, and they knew this, so I was kinda surprised that this is what they thought would sufficiently entertain two preschool-age boys. Beeb was cool, Beeb could handle it, but HELLO! Breakable stuff!

It was just not an enjoyable experience.

FIL kept talking about how much he liked everything, and how wuuuuhnderful everything was. He told us about the social significance of everyone he'd talked to (he is the KING of namedropping), and he stayed and talked to these people while R and I tag-teamed it trying to keep the boys from destroying this million-dollar home. I rubbed my eyes a lot so I could look Visably Frazzled, hoping it would somehow register in his mind that wrangling preschoolers at a Social Event Obviously Not Intended For Children is not how I'd like to spend a Sunday Afternoon, but he was too focused on the shmoozing to notice the kids running about like, well, Apes.

So finally MIL got the message and we left. FIL kept asking if we saw the various features of the house, or if we tried this wine with that cheese, and I wearily said, well, no, I guess we musta missed that... we were kinda busy with the kids... to which he replied, "Well, they had grapes at the table, didn't you see they had grapes? Don't your kids like grapes?"

Grapes! My God, yes! Grapes are the answer!

I should have said that grapes give the kids really bad diarrhea, and then casually mentioned that they'd been eating grapes by the handful for about the last half hour, while he was busy working the room.

Oh, next was The Artist's Studio Sale. Whose genius idea was it to take the kids to this? One guess. R took the boys to an area where they could run around outside, but even that got boring for them after a while. I went with Beeb and MIL and FIL to see the Artist's Workshop. FIL insisted that Beeb and I meet The Artist. That's a really big deal to him.

So he introduced us to The Artist, and I, wanting to appear something other than bored and frustrated out of my mind, asked the artist a question. I asked her, "So, when you begin, do you have a vision of what it's going to look like at the end (at this point in the sentence, she looked at me strangely, so I continued talking) or do you just, kinda, start working and see where the piece wants to go?" I was trying to sound like an artist, or at least like someone who geniunely wants to know the answer to the question. The Artist stared at me like I was speaking some bizarre dialect she'd never heard before, then she sighed,

"Well. I cover all that in my Artist's Statement, over there..." (pointing to a small, typed page in a frame on the wall)

Oh. Sorry.

And then, when FIL had had enough asskissing bullshit (or, more likely, when the people there weren't paying enough attention to him anymore), it was time to go. On the way home he talked about how nice and down-to-earth The Artist and her Husband are, so much so that you'd never even know how much money they have. He talked the whole way home -

"And The Artist is so kind to speak to people and answer their questions." (Um, FIL, didn't you notice how smugly the bitch answered my question? Guess not.) "Wow, I really enjoyed that. Didn't you all enjoy that? Wasn't that great?"

Kill me. Kill me now.

We now had an hour to kill before the Art Opening at the Clubhouse began. This was the event that was The One He Was Most Excited About. This one was actually pretty cool. The artwork was made with handmade pressed paper - really unique and quite beautiful - but hard to fully appreciate when chasing the boys, trying to make sure they're not even thinking about touching something. By this time, we'd been visiting with The Inlaws for four hours and I had had more than enough.

MIL and FIL got some wine and cheese and sat down with some of their friends. My kids are NOT going to sit down at a table with a bunch of strangers and behave themselves. They're just not, and I think it's a little ridiculous to expect that of them. So R and I grabbed some fruit and cheese and some bottled water for The Apes and took them outside, where they could be, y'know, KIDS.

FIL came out and invited us in to meet Another Artist. This artist was actually supercool. Her name was Victoria and she was energetic, fun, and especially sweet to Beeb when Beeb asked questions.

Then Tito came in and flopped down in the middle of the floor. I tried to quietly take his hand and get him to stand up, and he let out either a whiney shriek or a shrieking whine, I'm not sure.

All right, I said. TIME TO GO.

"Oh, no, he's all right..."

Said the man who had not paid thirty seconds' worth of attention to these children all day to the woman who had thoroughly exhausted herself while trying to ensure that these children don't ruin FIL's day with Unacceptable Behavior.

I felt like he was upset with me for scolding Tito, but what if I'd left him in the middle of the floor and not said anything? That would have been wrong too, right? I never know whether scolding the kids or not scolding them is the better idea. It's the most frustrating thing about FIL - the only thing about him that you can predict with 100% accuracy is that anything you do, in any given situation, will be The Wrong Thing To Do. Any choice you make is wrong. And with his Divinely-Bestowed Rosetta Stone of Hindsight, he has no qualms about telling you what you should have done instead.

I don't think he was happy about us leaving so abruptly, but I didn't care. I was tired, R was tired, the kids were tired and BORED. As I said, it wasn't so much that I didn't care for the events, and I wasn't angry or anything, I just could not believe the complete lack of consideration FIL had given to the fact that I would have to be responsible for the behavior of two small children at all of these grown-up events - events that I, in my everyday life, intentionally avoid taking the kids to. It was all just totally surreal to me.

Weren't these people ever parents??

Still More Google Searches:

Aren't you glad I share these with you?

Poop Pants at WalMart On Purpose.
Megan Mullally Bra Size.
And, believe it or not, PUFFINGER.

I don't even want to know what that individual was hoping to find.

Speaking of Poop Pants (and I usually am), we have an update on the potty situation.

Yesterday, Tito, after about 40 minutes of sitting there, managed to pee on the potty! We were elated! Then this morning, right after waking up, I put him on the potty, waited about 40 minutes, and out popped a little plunker! I've gone pretty much cold turkey. He's in panties when we're at home, and if we go out someplace, he wears panties with a Pull-up over them.

Meanwhile, the preschool director called to say that they've come up with a solution that will allow him to go to preschool after all. The thing is, and I understand this, they're not equipped with changing facilities in the preschool room. I can send him in a pull-up, and they can help him go potty when the class goes, but if he poops, I have to go to the school to change it myself. Sounds a little crazy, but whatever, I'll play by whatever rules they set.

I just thought it was nuts that if he didn't figure out the potty thing, he wouldn't be allowed to go to school, since he didn't even want to go to school anyway and keeping him home with me would be giving him exactly what he wanted. This way hopefully he'll see the other kids doing it and he'll want to do it too. Or else it will fail miserably and I'll be up there changing poop so often I'll just say forget it. I guess we'll see.

Tomorrow we're going to Chez Inlaw. I've been asked to make the White Chocolate Peppermint Fudge that I took to Aunt Drama's last weekend, thinking MIL and FIL would be there and they weren't. Hope I have enough butter. Maybe I should buy a cow. Then R wouldn't have to mow.

And I'm currently knitting a baby kimono (from Mason-Dixon Knitting) for a shower I'm going to next Saturday. Hopefully I won't screw up on the finishing, as is my tendency. I also want to get some Lamb's Pride Bulky for a clutch purse I saw in One-Skein. And still my sock yarn sits in my basket, mocking me.

"Chicken!!! You can't make a sock! You're a crappy knitter! BRAWWWWWWWWWWWK BRAWK BRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWK!!!"

"No, I probably could make a sock, I just know I'll probably finish one and then I'll never even start the second one, cuz something will come up like a baby shower or something."

"BRAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWKK!"

"Ok, FINE! As soon as I'm done with the baby kimono I'll try a sock. Happy??"

"Oh, you're so fulla crap..."

Dang. My sock yarn sees right through me.

What else do I talk about here?

So if I'm not talking about Poofingers, Pottytraining, FIL or Knitting (which I actually do, despite the lack of evidence, you're just going to have to trust me on this), I'm talking about reality shows.

First of all, how STOOPID is Janelle to not put up Mike and Will when she had the chance? Grrrrrrrrr.

Not half as fookin stoopid as whoever came up with the idea of Celebrity Duets.

Oh, and look carefully for a funny typo or two on the website (the below paragraph copy/pasted directly from Fox.com):


* DON'T MISS A SPECIAL ENCORE TONIGHT 8/7c! *

Lucy Lawless, Cheech Marin, Carly Patterson, Alfonso Ribeiro, Jai Rodriguez, Hal Sparks and Lea Thompson are the remaining sever celebrities who will compete on CELEBRITY DUETS. Beginning Thursday, September 7, you can catch the live performace show at 9/8c. Then tune in each Friday at 9/8c to see the results!


Yeah, didja catch it? SEVER celebrities. If you ask me, I think Fox needs to Sever their ties to this show. Oh, and they misspelled Performance too, perhaps because whomever has the legal rights to the word Performance didn't want THIS show associated with it.


Did anybody else see it, or did I dream it? It was LIVE, starting at 10pm, which seemed really late for a live show (note from R: it was pre-empted by the Rams game. Sorry, I didn't realize there was a Rams game last night...and apparently neither did the Rams). And if the caliber of celebrities isn't enough to inspire you to set your Tivo, the celebrity judges are David Foster, Marie Osmond, and Little Richard.

It was seriously like the most ridiculous, ill-conceived trainwreck of a show I've ever seen. And I've watched SHIT, y'all. Shit that even flies won't swarm around. Case in point - Remember the Fox show Unanimous? Of course you don't. Nobody watched it. But I watched it. And it SUCKED. SUCKED HARD. At least Skating With Celebrities was unintentionally hilarious.

The best part of Celebrity Duets, in my opinion, (other than Lea Thompson's amusingly HORRIFIC outfits) was the camera panning the audience to show My Beloved Snarkmistress KATHY GRIFFIN!!! I can't even wait to hear what visciousness she'll unleash regarding this utterly craptacular gathering of dubious celebrities.

When you read the celebrity/singer pairings and the songs they performed, it totally sounds like a really bad dream, or even a hallucination. For example, Cheech Marin sang "Baby, I Love Your Way" with Peter Frampton. I think I may have actually dreamed that exact scenario once, when I was on painkillers and antibiotics for a kidney infection. Said kidney infection, incidentally, was shorter in duration and considerably less painful than this show.

I turned the show on just in time to see a blonde Lucy Lawless (who is best-known to most people as Xena: Warrior Princess) singing "Time, Love and Tenderness" with Michael Bolton.
See?? Doesn't it sound like I'm making this shit up? I swear to God I'm not.

Olympic Gold Medal-winning Gymnast Carly Patterson sang "Somewhere Out There" (the Fievel Mousekewitz song) with James Ingram. Carly, Carly, Carly. Honey. I appreciate... your willingness to... bahahahahahahahahaha!!! How does Paula Abdul always think of something nice to say, and then say it with a straight face? I sure the fuck can't.

Did I really need to hear Alfonso Ribiero beg me not to let the sun go down on him? Did that enhance my life in any way? Um, NO.

Jai Rodriguez sang with Gladys Knight, and was by far my favorite performance of the night. How old is Jai? He totally had a vintage Ricky Martin* thing going. Jai's probably too young to remember Menudo on ABC. And just as a side note, isn't actual Mexican menudo (the food), like cow intestines or something? I remember when I first moved to San Antonio, I kept thinking that the singing group Menudo was coming to every single Mexican restaurant in the city.

*Please don't snark on me like I'm slamming Latinos, K? I'm NOT. I meant it as a compliment. Jai was GOOD. Ricky is GOOD. I've just been wondering why they named the band Menudo ever since I found out what Menudo actually is.

Hal Sparks (who is SO cute, btw) sang "Tracks of My Tears" with Smokey Robinson, and was surprisingly good too.

Lea Thompson looked like Tina Fey dressed as a truckstop hooker and sang like a really bad Cher impersonator. The Esteemed Judges complimented her on "Singing Harmony" with Randy Travis. I kinda thought it was just a diplomatic way of telling her she wasn't singing the same notes as he was.

Chris Jericho, who's apparently a famous wrestler, sang with LeeAnn Womack some song I've never heard before.

So how the show works (a verb I use loosely in this context) is that each Semi-Famous For Something Other Than Singing celebrity pairs with two different Actually Famous For Singing celebrities. So at 11pm, they did another whole round of songs. LIVE.

The next time around, Lea sang a Frank Sinatra song with Michael Bolton, Carly Patterson sang a LeeAnn Womack song with LeeAnn Womack (do you think the song choice of "I Hope You Dance" kinda implies "I hope you DON'T SING?"), Alfonso Ribiero sang "Ya Mo Be There" with James Imgram (I don't know what that song actually means, but I know it's one of my least favorite songs of all time), and then, mercifully, I fell asleep.

So yes, I'll be watching the Encore episode tonight.
And I'm totally taping it next week.