Thursday, January 22, 2009

I Have Grand Ideas and The Best of Intentions...

But I have absolutely zero implementation skills. I'm creative. I can come up with a totally fuckin brilliant concept for Point B, I just can't figure out how to get there from Point A. I'm the idea guy. Leave the details to somebody analytical.

Remember the Dong-A-Long? My brilliant campaign to raise money for prostate cancer research?

I'd forgotten about it until a couple of weeks ago when I was cleaning my closet and found a knitted penis. Forgotten about it to the point where I don't rememeber the login for the blog I created for it. I think my plan was to take donations of knitted genitalia or similarly tasteless penis-related items, sell them somehow, and donate the money.

I'm kinda in the mood to start that back up.

Today I found out that one of the estimated 184,500 American men will be diagnosed with prostate cancer this year is my dad.

I won't be able to blog about it too much, I don't think. Or I'll have to disguise it somehow. I'm going to have to delete or edit this post because my daughter reads my blog, and we've decided not to tell the kids right now because they'll freak.

I can't let them see me cry.

I can't be sad in my own home.

I hate crying, I hate when people see me cry, but to actually not be able to allow myself to cry in front of my kids when I really, really need to indulge myself with an emotional breakdown is going to be a serious challenge.

There's no way I'm going to be able to keep it together, so I was trying to figure out with R something we could tell the kids if they caught me crying. And here's what I said out loud:

Well, fortunately my children have seen me cry for no reason enough times that "no real reason, Mom's just in a funk" probably wouldn't phase them too much.

And then I thought about how utterly pathetic that is.

11 comments:

Speed Racer said...

PK,
There is nothing pathetic about needing to have a good cry.

Not a damn thing.

And your kids will be fine - yes, they'll be sad, but you have done such a wonderful job raising them that they will be able to deal with this crisis, and the next one.

You know that your friends will be here for you - we all love you very much.

Disco said...

You can't hide things from kids - best they know from the start (mho only, of course).

Sorry about your dad :0(

Poops said...

Tell them. And you will cry together sometimes and be strength for each other at others.

It's okay that you're sad. You have a right to be sad and to cry in your own home. Your kids need to see that, so they know it's okay to be scared and to cry too.

But you knew that, didn't you.

I know you'll find a way to tell them, sooner rather than later. And it'll suck. Cancer sucks. Fuck cancer.

I'll pray for your dad, of course. And for you and your mom and all the Karmas. Keep faith, my friend.

(By the way, whose dong did you find? Was it mine? Mine's big and black with a pink head...)

Beverly said...

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. Did they catch it early?

SiressYorkie said...

Prostate cancer has an excellent treatment rate, PK, unless it's REALLY bad. My FIL had it. My father didn't, but he had the prostatectomy when I was in HS. That's sort of the, "We're not sure what's going on in there, so we'll err on the side of caution" procedure.

With all the early detection they do these days, surgery and treatment has a very high success rate. Still, I am very sorry to hear your family's going through this. It's terrifying.

As someone who spent a lot of last year crying, I can tell you that one of the best things your kids can learn from you is how to handle fear and how to be sad. And how to grieve. I did the worst of my crying away from Max because yes, it would've upset him to see me so broken, but he's still seen me pretty bad off. It shows your kids that mummy is still human and knows how to handle bad stuff. And it will teach them how to let out the pain when they encounter their own.

Someone (I think it was the ever-wise Poops) pointed that out to me, and it was of immense comfort.

Trillian42 said...

Aw, shit. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'll be thinking of your dad.

Oh, and I got your email. I'm going to see if I can come up with something that will work. I think I can, but it might take until after I get back home.

(((((hugs)))))

Bezzie said...

It's OK to cry in front of the kids. I remember my mom doing it. Now, I must say that the only time it scarred me was when it was ME who made her cry. I can't remember what I did, but man I still feel guilty about it.

I hope they caught it early enough. My guess is they did or this post would be a hellof a lot more depressing.

Regardless I'll keep him in my thoughts. I'm glad to have had the pleasure to meet your old man.

Stickyfingers said...

Well that totally sucks.

Your kids are smart. They are empathic. They love you. They will know that something is amiss - and they will be steamed if you lie to them about what it is, and they find out the truth.
You're the parents. You and R decide what to tell them, and when -- but don't be afraid to let them in.

Have a good cry if you need it.

Tactless Wonder said...

I'm in agreement with everyone. It's one of the things I said I'd do if I ever had kids, be ME in front of them, including the tears. Simply because my mom NEVER did and it was much more frightening to me to see her cry or be upset because, well, that's not her stoic self!

And some more unsolicited advice :)...the kids, 'specially Beeb, as she older, will find out and might be hurt that the weren't told...like I was at that age...After having all the facts (cuz there will be tears and questions) I'd at least tell her.

But of course I'm expecting you to tell me to piss off. :)

Brinstead said...

Parents are the bedrock of our universe - it's a scary place without them.

*hug* sending what good thoughts I can spare your way.

JRS said...

I'm really sorry to hear that! As you know, dealing with a parent with cancer has been my reality over the past few years, so if you need a sympathetic and understanding ear...
The good news is, of all the types of cancer out there, prostate is far and away one of the most survivable!!!! It is NOT a death sentence! The procedures for dealing with it are far less evasive than for many other types too. Your dad has a great chance to come through this, and if he's half as tough as you, I'm sure he will.
Pie's letter is adorable. I hope Obama *will* do something--he's been a big advocate for cancer patients actually after what happened to his mom. Let's hope we're some of the last people out there to have to go through this with a loved one. Hang in there!