Pot Roast, Porn, and Politics. (Or Why I am a Stellar Friend.)

I love that Rip lives a stone's throw from my house and sends me text messages inviting me and The Karma Fam to spontaneous dinners at le Chateau de Jean-Phillipe. It's a pretty classy place; I don't know how I get past the tight security.

But even more than I love going over to CJP, I love having someone close by that I can do nice things for. I love to do nice things for my most cherished friends, and I don't even mind going out of my way to do them (like bringing Xanax for a friend of a friend while blasting NWA's classic Dopeman in the Odyssexy), but it's awesome when it's the Hey, I'm going to Target - need anything? brand of convenient.

Doing nice things for cool people gives me extreme, sincere joy. And Rip's cool as hell, y'all - totally worthy. So cool, in fact, that I took the man some porn DVD's (Can you believe the guy didn't own ANY porn? Shit, even I own porn, that I bought FOR MYSELF.) for a date he had that evening. And the following day I had made way too much dinner and I didn't want it to go bad (we weren't going to eat it because we had dinner plans the next night), so I delivered Rip half of the delicious pot roast I made in my Crock Pot.

By delivered, I mean while the man was at soccer practice with his daughter, I went to his house and placed said pot roast in his refridgerator. I have full backstage-pass access, and I will never abuse it. I use it to keep Rip well-fed and well, er... stimulated.

Pot Roast and Porn delivered to your door. TELL me I'm not the fucking best friend a person could POSSIBLY have.

Need a kidney? I have an extra. You probably wouldn't want my liver, though, unless you wring the Blue Moon and Smithwick's out of it first. I gotta say Rip's pretty good to me too, keeping my liver pickled and helping me hone my dart-throwing skills.

Yeah, I'm a fucking awesome friend to have. So awesome, in fact, that Buffy apparently wants in on the action. She called me the other day just to shoot the shit and I didn't realize that she was unaware of my stay-home mom status. Oops. Can't exactly un-ring that bell, can I?

"Oh! You stay home? I didn't know that!!! That's GREAT! We'll have to get together!"

Great. Super. FUUUUUCK.

Through the course of the conversation, we talked a bit about our educational backgrounds. I mentioned that I used to teach high school English and I hated it. She mentioned that she was a Poly Sci/Econ major. Don't take this the wrong way, kids, but telling me you're a Politically-Minded Activist person scares the crap out of me more than if you told me, over a cup of tea, that you had bludgeoned your family to death in a fit of blind rage and stuffed them in the cushions of the living room sofa, which I'm sitting on.

Let me let you all in on a little something. If you ever want to dumb me down, like, INSTANTLY, start talking about something related to Current Events. Any sort of discourse related to Economics or Politics or World History will imfuckinmediately expose me as the Zero Global Awareness dumbass that I am. Ask me how I feel about the crisis in Georgia and here's what you'll get:

What? There's a Crisis in Georgia? Is Ted Turner colorizing classic black and white movies again? I will COLORIZE HIS WRINKLY WHITE ASS.

Usually, I can get away with being a moron in these situations because I'm funny. I can say something ridiculously goofy like that and focus the attention away from my own ignorance. But I don't think it's going to work with Buffy. She's way too smart for me to pull that shit. And have I mentioned that she's Intense?

I freely admit that I'm a total fucking idiot when it comes to Topics I Should Probably Care About, as an American of Above-Average Intelligence. It's not that I don't care, I just require so much backstory in order to understand it, it's rarely worth the effort involved to bring me up to a level where I can confidently discuss it. R's really good at breaking history down to my level. Cuz here's me:

Ok, so who's fighting now? Why do these countries hate each other again? Christ, can't people just get OVER shit?? It's fuckin 2008, for fuck's sake!

Hey, at least I know I got the year right. And I've found that if you say the word Fuck a lot, people will assume you're really angry and they won't fuck with you. And maybe they'll think I'm angry and angsty because I spend so much time contemplating everything that's wrong with the world today.

I avoid political discussions as much as I possibly can, but presidential election years make it nearly impossible. I don't really care who wins. Not because I don't have an opinion, I kinda do, but the President doesn't really run the country.

See, I don't even really know if the President runs the country or not, but it kinda sounds like I know what I'm talking about, doesn't it?

Not really? Dammit.

So here's the thing. Buffy asked me if I wanted to go with her to hear Michelle Obama speak.

Ok, look... I'm not against going; I think it would be an interesting experience, but that's just SOOO not my scene. And I'm scared to death that someone will ask me a question and I'll start babbling like a fool. It takes so alarmingly little to throw me off my game and send me into total "God, Please Don't Let Them Find Out What A Shitbrain I Am" panic mode, and when that happens I start talking just to fill the air. Like I'm in a cartoon frame and if I just keep talking maybe I can hide behind the word balloons and people will leave me alone.

I haven't answered Buffy one way or another on this, and I KNOW she'll ask me again and I won't be able to say no. I swear it's going to be Swamp Thing all over again - I don't want to go but I'm just Way Too Fucking Nice. Gah! It's such a curse.

Buffy also invited us to another Barbecue next month. Now, that might actually be fun, if there's enough liquor.

Oh, and I also agreed to watch her 5-month old baby girl next week. Buffy's going on a job interview. I'd be willing to wager that if she gets this job, my stay-home ass is going to have a new little friend to play with while her Mommy's at work. I'm officially putting this prediction in writing right now. Mark ye my words.



And this is just funny.