Monday, July 14, 2008

Side Effect O' The Day: Insomnia.

I'd forgotten about the Super Colon Blow effect that anti-depressants have on me (there's really no such thing as TMI between us anymore, is there?). But I hadn't forgotten about the insomnia. I was dreading this.

The good news is that poor R will finally get some sleep. R has been so awesome, so patient - incredible in light of the some of the stuff I'm sad about. He's never told me to snap the fuck out of it, just asks me what I need and what he can do for me. He's helped with everyday stuff without being asked, like the dishes and getting the Apes ready for bed, while I've been a snivelling wreck.

The last week, y'all, FUH-HUH-HUH-HUCK.

This whole month has sucked. I've been remembering the last three July 4th parties at Chez Inlaw, including the most recent one, and I'm thinking I'll just rip July right out of my calendar. This last week and a half has been enough for me to just skip the first two weeks of July completely, forevermore.

Jack died three years ago July 9th, while we were at the Collinsville Ketchup Festival. So whenever I see the Festival on the news, I cry. I hate that we had no idea how sick he was. We knew how sick Grandma was, and we've all had time to get used to missing her. In a lot of ways, she'd been gone long before last Saturday.

I'd like to just have the second half of July, so I can go to Beeb's birthday party and not have to spend the three weeks prior feeling how much your child's birthday ages you. I'm a young 37. I never feel like any of my friends is any older or younger than me, unless there's some pop culture refernce they don't get.

Beeb's turning 11. She's going into Junior High. She's going to be at that great big school with the big kids. But she's just a teeny Beebie! She can't be that old. It makes me feel old. Like I should be smarter than I am. Like I should have learned something by now. I shouldn't make stupid mistakes. I should be able to deal with my life like a grownup. I should know who I am. That's been depressing me too.

That, and the other stuff. There's SO much I want to say about that relationship, you guys, just to put it all out there so you can understand why its untimely and unexpected end is hitting me so hard. But I'd never, ever badmouth that person, and I'd rather not rip that wound open publicly without the permission of everyone involved. And we're not talking, so it might be a while before I go there.

Ok, random tangent (I have the TV on) - how can Rachael Ray stand the sound of her own voice?

So anyway, my insomnia is good for R, because if I can't sleep, I can't snore. R and I both snore. Not always, but I have been recently. And I'll lie there in bed with my eyes closed, and the second I fall asleep enough to start hhhhhhhhhh....., R kicks me in the back. Or the ass. Or the thigh. Or else he just rubs his foot up my leg and I freak out because he knows I hate it when other people's feet touch me. It wakes me up instantly and I know exactly why he's doing it.

One of two things happens every night. Either R gets sick of kicking me and he gets up and sleeps on the sofa, or I get sick of getting kicked and I get up and sleep on the sofa. Last night I fell asleep at about 10:30, then I woke up at 12:30 and turned on the TV quietly for a few minutes while R slept. Then I got tired of trying to read the captions and I turned the TV off and tried to sleep.

I woke up at 3:40 to R kicking me.

"I'll go...", I said.

So I grabbed my favorite red blanket, went to the sofa, and waited for morning. I'm so tired. But I'm going to get up, go out with the kids, and fill my day with activity so dark thoughts don't have a chance to sneak in there. I'm going to bury myself in busy.

Here's my question for you. Is that good? Is that healthy? Or is that denial? Part of me wants to cry in my closet all day. I feel like if I wanted to be true to myself, to my feelings, that's what I'd do. By going out and doing things, am I just hiding from Penny Dark, who is an actual, real part of me? Is that okay? It might not be how everybody deals, but it kinda works for me.

I need a name for the Penny I want to be, and I don't like the name Penny Normal. Normal and me just aren't words that go together. Penny Real? Penny Me? Penny Badass? Penny Righteous? Shall we open the floor for nominations?

How about Penny Tyler Moore?
You're gonna make it after all...

Nah, I think I'm more of a Rhoda.

10 comments:

Ferris Family said...

I love bad-ass PR (Penny Rhoda). You are amazing and doing amazingly well, I would still be in a heap under all the covers trying to forget. You aren't in denial at all! You are loving your apes unconditionally! I will help you. What do you say, your van, my van, Grant's Farm tomorrow morning? Enjoy it before In-Bev figures out it's free and F's that one up for us.

Rip Van Winkle said...

It's a well-established strategy when dealing with depression to surround yourself with things that take your mind off of the melancholy. Reaching out to make new friends is one thing I have always done. It's like I get to be my old self "just for the new people," and that seems to help me muddle through.

Sorry to hear about your gastro-issues. I'd say something pithy like "wait til you get older. You will simply CEASE having jalapenos" but that would be sharing too much.

Get out, divert thyself, do things that bring you some amount of joy as well as some amount of joy to your loved ones. That way, even if you're still Penny Dark, you've given some joy to others.

The opposite of Penny Dark should just be Penny. You can still be badass, righteous, real, etc., even all at the same time, so why limit thyself to one appelation?

Signed,

Drinking Buddy Rip

Trillian42 said...

Penny Real is probably the most accurate, although I kinda love Penny Righteous.

And I think it isn't running away from Penny Dark. it's not letting her control your life, which is what you really want, right? Not to pretend she's not there, but to keep her from being in charge 24-7.

And I posted something today just to amuse you. :)

Beverly said...

I agree with Pam. Pushing Penny Dark to the back of your mind just means that you're not letting her take control. And that's okay. It's what we all do to get through life, otherwise we would be nonfunctioning and hospitalized.

Anonymous said...

Penny Royale With Cheese.

Lissa said...

(The magic of it is, Rachel Ray doesn't have to stand the sound of her own voice. Have you ever listened to yourself on a tape recorder? Isn't it weird that you sound slightly different than you think you sound?)

I would vote for something in the realm of Penny Fantastic.

Skye said...

I don't think that's denial. I think that's called 'coping'. Crying in the closet is 'not coping'. And that's okay to do sometimes too... it just hurts more and requires someone else to take over running the household.

Poops said...

I was going to suggest Penny Royale, but anonymous beat me to it. Damn you, anonymous and your lurky moniker!

Penny Fantastic gets my vote. It's how I think of you. But with an exclamation point. Fantastic!

I think burying yourself in busy is what most of us call "getting on with it." Life keeps going no matter how Dark you feel, so you just get on with it.

As for this...

"Like I should be smarter than I am. Like I should have learned something by now. I shouldn't make stupid mistakes. I should be able to deal with my life like a grownup. I should know who I am."

For real? 'Cause I've got two years on you and I still don't have a fucking clue. I'm hoping to figure out what I want to be when I grow up before I die. Wanna know my secret? I ACT like I have my shit together, and people think I do.

Then again, perhaps the secret is just refusing to grow up. You have to get older. Growing up is optional, I think.

Anonymous said...

Well I don't think I'll be saying anything that hasn't been said, BUT when has that ever stopped me huh?

I come from two parents with chronic anxiety problems in their families, so I've had to deal with either meds, depression or figure out how to stave off for years, like since high school. The topper is, my mom is a mental health professional. In order to keep out of the dark spots, she recommends to her patients, and to me, to keep yourself as busy as possible. that's why i spin and knit like an obsessed person. When my mind has too much time to sit there and wallow (and oh yeah i'm a wallower)) I sink. So in order to not scare my husband (which i've done unintentionally before) and to try hard not to be that example to my kids, I just keep trying every day.

It's not denial. You are firmly rooted in reality, well as much as any of us are, and you've accepted that you need to do something. You're doing it right.

Amy in StL said...

So I know it's been over a week, but I've been on vacation and I'm just now catching up! What about Penny Equal? Or Penny Level? Okay, back to catching up!