Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Is It Day Six Already?

Here are some of the Penny names I've been kicking around. I can't decide which one I like best.

Penny Supreme
Penny Fantastic
Penny Royale
Ultra Penny

I thought of Penny Supreme as the "One Penny to rule them all". But then I just like the sound of Penny Fantastic. Penny Royale is good too, but it also has a bit of a Diva vibe to it that's not really me. Ultra Penny sounds kinda like a super hero, kinda like a maxi pad. So I'm torn.

Today is the final day of the Anti-Stellathon. Tuesday we met at Grant's Farm. Don't know if you've been watching the news, but the recent buyout of Anheuser-Busch put the future of My Second Home in jeopardy. And that might be why, when we arrived, there was a HELLA CRAZY line in the parking lot (if you've ever been there, it extended past where the busses park) like I've never seen, just to cross the street so you could wait in another line to get on the Tram. But the word on the street is that Grant's Farm is safe. Thank Saint Arnold. I'da been so pissed.

We stood in line for at least 40 minutes, rode the tram to where the animals are, literally sprinted through the animal section (nope, can't pet the goats today, kids!), then I got in the beer line and sucked that Select back in less than 5 minutes (and she had a sip of it - swear to God!) while she and the kids got in the return-tram line to go back home. That was it. And believe it or not, none of the kids complained.

Yesterday we took the kids to see Shrek 3, and today we took them to see Veggie Tales - The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. Shrek 3 was okay, but Veggie Tales had kindof an abstract plot that I didn't really understand. And I thought if I, an adult of above-average intelligence, didn't understand it, then how's a kid going to understand it? But I guess if they see a bunch of animated characters on a big screen and hear a poop joke, they're gonna like it, so whatever, it was free.

It's been almost a week on the meds, and I feel considerably better. I don't know why Penny Dark fights the meds so hard. This is how I want to feel. I would describe it to the unmedicated as almost a slight delay at the start of what might be an intense moment which allows me to slow down my emotional reaction long enough to feel like I am in control of it.

This leads me into a bit of Damage Control. I assume my regulars know who upset me so much last week. Well, let me give you some insight into the drama. First and foremost, we are very close friends, and it is a loving, yet platonic relationship. R is fully aware of it, nothing has happened behind his back, no lines have been crossed, there are no secrets, but there are obviously very deep feelings. My emotions last week are clearly indicative of that.

But really, the root of it is a dear friendship. And let me tell you something about FS-H. He is the kind of friend who's not afraid to kick my ass when it needs kicking, even if it meant I might never talk to him again. And my ass needed kicking. Without giving too much unnecessary detail, too much of my heart and my energy was going into my relationship with FS-H. I know R felt it too, and I feel horrible about it now.

Full Spectrum - Heartbreaker's decision to walk away was so that I could focus more on R and my kids. Yeah, it hurt because it felt like it came out of nowhere, and I didn't want to lose his friendship, but it was the right thing. I've never disagreed with that. He didn't do anything wrong. And I was never really angry, just unbeliveably sad.

The problem was, after our last phone conversation last Monday, I didn't necessarily think it was forever. I knew it might be a while before I would hang out with him, because R is going to make the call as to when he feels that my focus is where it should be and that my friendship with FS-H is not detracting from our marriage (and if R never gets to that point, then yes, I realize it could possibly be forever, but I don't think it will come to that). So yeah, I was upset, but I felt like he and I were on the same page with it, and it still didn't feel permanent, if that makes sense.

And then on Tuesday morning, I spoke to a friend of his who had spent time with him Monday night (and who reads this blog - but probably won't read it anymore after today), and this person led me to believe, beyond any doubt, that it was, indeed OVER. FOREVER. Get over it, move on. I'm really trying to be fair and keep my personal opinions out of it, so maybe this person was trying to be my friend and make me focus like they knew FS-H wanted me to, and it's possible that this friend sincerely believed that what they were saying was true. I suppose I can see that, giving them the benefit of the doubt.

But at no time did this person say anything even remotely encouraging like "Well, maybe you're right, maybe it's not forever." No, no. IT WAS OVER. No question. Pack it up, girl, he's gone. I honestly didn't think it was, when I last spoke to him directly, but after I talked to this friend, suddenly I was 100% sure I would never, ever hear from him again.

I truly believed that he'd left without saying Goodbye or I'm sorry, without clarifying the status to make sure I understood, without emotion, without anything that sounded like a Final Scene, you know? Wasn't he going to miss me? The way I know him, he would never do that to me. I should have trusted my gut, but I didn't.

Bottom line, my entire outlook on the situation was changed solely through my conversation with this one individual. I'm trying really hard not to slam them, I'm not bringing up any past history or inserting any of my own theories which might shed some light on their possible motivation, but that is the absolute, hand-to-God truth. I was relatively ok, UNTIL I spoke to this person. Then I was a fucking mess, as you all witnessed.

THAT's what fucked with my head. Not what he actually did, what someone else led me to believe he did. I allowed someone else to poison my thinking. I let someone else make me think things about him that I knew weren't consistent with his character. I let them turn me away from him when he hadn't done anything wrong. I knew better, I knew better. I knew he wouldn't treat me like that, and yet, I believed, completely.

And the last week, I've had to decide whether to let Penny Dark rule my world or pull myself together and continue with my life. As you've read recently, it's been difficult. But the way I see it,
FS-H gave me a gift.

A big ol' kick in the ass.

I went back on the meds. I've been more patient with my kids and I've enjoyed spending more time with them. I've been more loving towards R, and R's been more loving towards me. We've enjoyed each other's company. It's been wonderful.

FS-H gave me clarity, sanity, patience, a fun summer with my kids, a reconnection with my fantastic husband (and you all think you know how much I love R, but he has stood by me through it all and I love him like you can't imagine) and a loving, happy marriage that is growing stronger every day.

Even if I never get to talk to him again, EVERYONE should have a friend like KOFA.

(That really wasn't a surprise, was it?)


Tuesday Morning (ex)?Friend said...

PK. I am glad you are feeling better and doing better. Sorry to hear you were so hurt by anything I said. I did not try to lead you to believe anything other than "please take care of yourself and try not to be so down" I was worried about you, seriously worried. I did say encouraging things, I think you just chose not to hear them at the time. If blaming me helps you that is fine, I am ok with that. I hope that you and FS-H do talk again. You both obviously care for each other. I have always said that. Anyway, no ill will was ever intended. You will believe what you want but know that your happiness and the happiness of all my friends (past, present and future) are all I care about. Good luck and congrats on everything that is going right for you now. And I will continue to read...I find your blog fantastic!
Take care!

Penny Karma said...

I am posting your response in fairness to you so that people can read your side of it.

I'm sorry, but you just sound so silly and fake to me right now. I am restraining myself from saying any more than that.

Tuesday Morning (ex)?Friend said...

I appreciate you posting it to be fair. Sorry you find what I said fake, I am sincere. Hope someday you see that.

Penny Karma said...

Do NOT fuckin get me started.

LilKnitter said...

PK, I've been reading for years now, and always think the best of you. I know you hate lots of mamby-pamby hand-holding, so I'll avoid it. You're awesome, I hope you are well aware of that.

My vote is for Penny Fantastic or Ultra Penny. Somehow, Penny Supreme or Penny Royale sound like food...