Tuesday, May 01, 2007

What have I been up to? Oh, not much...

Last Thursday evening, Beebie had a strings concert at her school.

Tito didn't like it because he had to be quiet.

Personally, I liked it because you can always count on Beeb's flamboyant (yet straight, allegedly) music teacher to regale us all with his clever costumes. Remember Brokeback Mountain, the Musical? Here's a flashback from last year.

This time he wore a Phantom of the Opera cape and a mask that looked like an athletic supporter/protective cup on his head.

The highlight, however, was when R stealthily snapped a pic of Stella. Have I mentioned how much I love this man for his endless contributions to my blog?

Isn't she pointy? That's the "I just sniffed some bad meat" expression I was telling you about. Just don't ever confuse Stella with Anti-Stella. Anti-Stella kicks ass. (Ass is a funny word. Just ask her kids.)

Now ask me where I got this bruise.

We knew we were going to miss Surivior because of the strings concert, so we set it up to tape. Then we got home in time for the very very end of it, and I didn't want to know what the final vote was, so when Beeb turned the TV in the living room to CBS and I heard the words "Three votes Alex, three votes Mookie..." I ran out of the room as fast as I could so I wouldn't hear.

In my haste, I whacked my arm against the hook that sticks out of the doorway. But it's a lot more fun to tell people that I burned my husband's toast.

Friday R was off all day so we went to the newest mall in the area to check out Cabela's. The boys call it The Dead Animal Place. At Books-A-Million, we pre-ordered Harry Potter for about $20 and then we went to Olde Town St. Charles to see if we could find a rugby shirt with the flag of my ancestors at Thistle and Clover. I found this kickass Scotland shirt but it was waaaay too small (smaller than the amount of "too small" buxom girls like me can get away with) so I left empty-handed and broken-hearted.

Then when I got home I got a package containing a new product called, of all things, Poo-Pourri! You know how sometimes I giggle about the silly Google searches that lead people to my blog? Some recent viewers searched the following phrases:

block cheddar pictures (this was someone from HEB in San Antonio)
FIL ALDI (this was someone from NASA, which scares me)
Napoleon the Farter (someone in Dublin)
my breasts "I was an early bloomer" (someone at University of South Dakota)
and finally, Smoking Panty Poop (someone in the UK)

Well, Suzy found me by searching the word Poo-Pourri, which would bring someone to the post where I explain my Power Panties (see the Cliff's Notes in the sidebar). She makes this stuff called Poo-Pourri, and you can read all about it if you click HERE. Get the poop, so to speak.

She asked me if I'd be interested in trying some and letting you all know what I thought of it, and naturally I said SURE! So it arrived on Friday. And look how cute it's packaged!

All you do is spray a little of it in the actual potty prior to pooping, and then when you flush, the stank goes down with the offending poop and left behind is a very pleasant aroma. It's kinda citrusy without smelling like that icky synthetic citrus scent. And what I like best about it is that it LASTS.

I was really impressed by this product and I would certainly recommend it. Even for the foulest poopers. And believe me, R and I put it to the test (Mexican Buffet. 'Nuff said.). I will be giving some Poo-Pourri away in a future contest. Stay tuned!

Friday evening we went to the Super Hero thing at the Science Center.

It was a cool way to illustrate various scientific concepts, such as -

Gene Mutations

and Prosthetic Limbs.

Beebie climbed the Spiderman wall

so did Pie

and R got all the way to the top.

R's got a great butt. I know that's what you were thinking just now.

Tito and I didn't do the wall. He was too little and I really don't relish the thought of people staring at my ass and wondering why there's not a movie showing on it.

Then we saw Mark Twain at Ted Drewes. See him?

Saturday I took the stuff in the trunk to Goodwill and we took a million things back to the library. There are now only five library items in the house that I can't find. Not too bad.

Beebie and Pie had been nagging me for a week to teach them how to knit. I told them I would teach them after Beeb finished reading the sixth Harry Potter book. And the girl busted a nut and finished it before I was really ready, but whatever.

I got a Learn To Knit DVD at the library just to give them some visuals, and I got two sets of aluminum needles in different colors so I could show them how the stitches move from one needle to the other. I put a lot of thought into this, knowing full well that these children have the attention span of fruit flies and I would hold their interest for about thirty seconds before they asked me to think of something else for them to do.

Knitting 101 didn't go over well at my house, so I watched baseball and knit in bed until R called to tell me that he had learned his schedule for the following week. He got moved to a different department so we knew his hours might change. There was some speculation that he might be off on Saturdays from now on. I could certainly live with that, although I would miss having a mid-week day off with him. Either way was fine.

He got the suckiest possible shift. He has to work 10am to 9pm. And he's off on Wednesday, but he still has to work Saturdays. Eleven hours of people yelling at you for stuff that's really not your fault.

I wish I could work somewhere so he wouldn't have to go back there. It sucks so bad. I would do anything to get R out of that job. But the sad thing is that it pays better than anything I could get, so he takes it on the chin and puts up with it. Then the poor man comes home to the freakin' Ape Shack. I feel just awful for him.

Also on Saturday, I tackled The Linen Closet.

I forgot to take a Before pic, so here's the After.

For the Before, try to imagine the contents of THIS BAG crammed inside the closet along with everything else you see.

The continuing tally of stuff I've gotten rid of (if you're keeping track at home):

Two pack n' plays
Two car seats
A broken lawnmower
Two strollers
A diaper bag
6 trash bags of clothes and toys
Various random incomplete sheet sets

Sunday we went to the Irish Festival of Music and Dance in Carbondale, Illinois. At the entrance to the bridge from Missouri to Illinois via the charming town of Chester, we saw, of all things, a dead armadillo! I'm pretty sure the Northward Migration of the Armadillo is a sign of the Apolcalypse.

Chester, Illinois is the home of the Creator of Popeye.

Here's the aforementioned bridge. It would have been quite something had the armadillo actually made it across. I'm assuming he was looking for a bridge since armadillos can't swim. I mean, can they? I have no idea.

Lewis and Clark apparently did something historically significant here too.

So here's a pic from the Irish Festival. Pie is enjoying the rich Irish tradition of hogging playground equipment.

In spite of the fact that we spent about five hours in the car, a good time was had by all.

And for today's project, I cleaned the refrigerator.


And After.

PLUS, here's my latest project. I'm kinda proud of this. THIS is why I'm the Evil Genius with the Heart of Gold.

Remember the crocheted penis I showed you a few days ago? Well, I came up with something cool.

The Dong-A-Long. Link is NSFW, FYI.

I saw this crocheted penis pattern on one of my favorite craft sites, The Anticraft.

And I wanted one. But, alas, I don't crochet.

So I asked my extremely creative Knittyboard friends if someone would make me one. And the idea took on a life of its own.

People offered to send me Beanises with FunFur pubes. Beanises with realistically misshapen balls. Beaded Beanises with genital warts. Self-striping Beanises. It looked as though I was going to receive a truckload of Beanises. Now, not to sound cocky, I'm a pretty fun gal. But I had no idea what I was going to do with so darn many Beanises.

I thought about it a long, looong while, and I concluded that maybe it would be nice to do something good with all these Beanises. Because otherwise, how am I going to explain them to my kids?

So I'll stop beating about the bush. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm hosting a Dong-A-long which will benefit The Prostate Cancer Research Institute.

It seems Breast Cancer gets a lot of attention, and rightly so. Obviously I'm not saying it shouldn't. But ladies, we should also remember the guys. They're our husbands, boyfriends, brothers, dads, and friends. Apart from skin cancer, prostate cancer is the most common cancer among men. ALL men are at risk for prostate cancer, and the risk increases with age.

The American Cancer Society estimates that there will be about 218,890 new cases of prostate cancer in the United States in 2007. About 27,050 men will die of this disease. Prostate cancer is the second leading cause of cancer death in men. Lung cancer is the first. While 1 man in 6 will get prostate cancer during his lifetime, only 1 man in 34 will die of this disease. The death rate for prostate cancer is going down, and thanks in part to the efforts of research teams, the disease is being found earlier as well.

I don't want to in any way make light of a serious topic, but it seemed a logical fit - crocheted penises/accessories for Prostate Cancer Research. And so began the Dong-A-Long.

Anyone who would like to participate may contribute a finished Beanis which will then be auctioned off (details forthcumming). The proceeds from the sale will then be donated to this charity.

And if you don't crochet, you're welcome to whip out a Banana Hammock or a Weenie Warmer instead.

I'm such a fiendishly clever humanitarian.


Bezzie said...

Do we ever get to see R's face? He's kind of like this enigma that snaps covert pictures of rednecks at drive ins or uppity school moms...the faceless husband.
How do we know you're not just shooting pics of random nice-assed guys on rockwalls and claiming you're married to them? Well I guess the FIL stories would be hard to make up if he didn't exist.

Penny Karma said...

He's like Vera Peterson. Or Maris Crane.

R Karma.

Janelle said...

I have one question for you. I also like the check the SiteMeter stats to see what people have searched for to find my blog, but how do you also know where the searches came from? Is that in SiteMeter somewhere? I can see where people who linked in are from in "By location" and what searches were done in "By referrals," but I haven't figured out how to link the two lists. I'm sure I'm missing something simple!
Thanks- Janelle (mom2cwf on the knittyboard)

gurlygurl said...

My girlfriend told me to check your site. Very funny. Thanks for a laugh. I look forward to more. I need one of those dildo warmers but alast I do not know how to knit or crochet.

Poops said...

It's a brave woman that posts 'before' pics of her fridge for the world to see.

I'm almost inspired to clean up the living room. But first I have a scrotum to knit.

Jo said...

So you've posted poop, dirty fridge, and knitted penises. You rock. :)

Your kids are so cute.

I think I should knit you a penis, but first I have to go clean my bathrooms. You're such a motivator. :)

Rachel said...


Kevin said...

OMG, the overwhelming number of allusions. I just don't think i could swallow even one more.