Saturday, March 03, 2007

I'm alive, I promise.

So I needed to go shopping for a new outfit (for an occasion that I'll tell you about in a second).

And, as you all know, I am rarely seen in public without at least one Ape with me.

There was no way I could go shopping without the boys today. I couldn't avoid it. And they HATE shopping for Mommy Clothes.
I can't blame them, I hate it too.

They were trying to be good, but they were tired and cranky and sick of being cramped in the fitting room with me trying to concentrate on the mirror and not paying attention to them. And after trying on everything in the store, I was losing my patience with them, with the clothes, and with my own pasty dimpled ass.

The Apes were driving me crazy - crawling around on the floor and under the walls into other stalls (fortunately, there wasn't anyone else in there), and just constantly bickering and basically being heinous. I kept telling them, about every 30 seconds, to sit down and be quiet so I could hurry and be done and we could leave.

The next part is classic. I went out and perused the store one final time to see if there was anything left on the racks that I'd missed on the first four trips around the store. This time, miraculously, everything I tried on, according to the boys, was "perfect" and looked "beeyooteeful" on me and "THAT's the one you should get, Mommy! You look so pretty!!"

At first I thought, oh, they're being sweet... And then I realized that those conniving little stinkers had figured out that if they tell me something looks great on me, then maybe I'll buy it and we can get the hell out of there.

It sucks that I've become so cynical.


So I went to my first job interview in six years. And I'm a little rusty, I think. Let me give you an exerpt that kinda summarizes the whole experience:

Interviewers introduce themselves.

How are you this morning, Penny?

Well, actually, my heart's still pounding a little - I've never driven downtown by myself before, but I made it and found a parking place with time to spare! Fortunately, I resisted the urge to stand in the middle of the street, spin around and throw my beret up in the air a la Mary Tyler Moore! (nervous giggle)

Crickets chirp.

FUCK.

So I have no idea how I did. It kinda depends on whether or not they're actually seeking to hire a blithering idiot. And as much as I would love to get this job, I figure if it didn't work out, worst case scenario - I'd go right back to hanging out in my damn jammies until noon every day. I'll be fine.


In other news, I finally got rid of the double stroller I used daily for almost four years, and it made me a little sad. That double stroller was like an appendage. I took it everywhere. Even to church, so I could stand out as the poor mother that has to bring her babies with her. I hoped for years that they would offer child care at the Required PSR Family Events presided over by the biggest most self-righteous pole-up-her-ass Church Nazi I've ever encountered. And I grew up a minister's daughter, so I've met some close contenders in my lifetime.

Here's an example - we were at one of these required events many years ago, the topic of which was The Importance of Worshipping As a Family. Six-month-old Tito started crying and screaming hysterically and this woman came up behind R (who was holding Tito), grabbed him by the shoulder and quietly hissed at him GET OUT, and literally escorted R and screaming Tito out of the sanctuary. So much for worshipping as a family. I couldn't help but focus on the irony in that.

I mean, yeah, I get that he was disturbing the other people, but A) there was a baptism going on in the back of the church and R didn't want to disturb them either, B) it was raining so he couldn't really take Tito outside, C) would it kill you people to either offer child care or lighten up on that whole No Birth Control policy? and D) I didn't even want to be there in the first place anyway.

Seriously, this woman has caused me to momentarily contemplate divorcing my beloved husband (through no fault of his own, I assure you) just to foverer sever my ties to her and all that she represents so that my family and I can quit jumping through all her stupid hoops in hopes of thereby obtaining salvation.

I hate getting into religious rants, I really do, but I truly, honestly, cannot stand this woman and how she has caused me to bitterly resent the church (not The Church itself, but this particular church). I'm pretty sure God's not going to ask her to check her ever-present clipboard to see if I attended Breakfast with Mary back in 1999. Oh, you didn't? Sorry... give our best to Satan! Buh-Bye now!

Why do I bring this up? I have to go to church today for yet another of this dipshit things that just irritate and piss me off and, for my family, serve the exact opposite of their intended purpose. I'm assuming, of course, that they're supposed to make us WANT to attend church more often than we do. Well, sorry, they actually make me want to spike the Communion Wine with a Stool Softener.


And on a completely unrelated note, this year, oddly, we weren't invited to Aldiboy's birthday party. I don't know for sure that they had a party, but I don't know why they wouldn't have. Maybe they finally got the clue that the house is too crowded to accomodate every blood relative, and we really won't be offended if they didn't invite us, but my blog readers might be disappointed. Maybe they are reading this. Maybe I don't care. I probably should, but right now I just don't.


Unrelated Note #2 - Thursday night I took the kids to see the stage show of Edward Scissorhands at The Fox Theatre. Beebie won tickets off of Radio Disney. The whole thing was weird. The boys fell asleep.


Unrelated Note #3 - I totally hit the jackpot at Kohl's yesterday. In fact, I went to three different stores and cleaned them out of every article of Thomas Train clothing in size 5. If you have a Kohl's near you, check it out. There's stuff for 80% off. I got Tito a darling Thomas Train bathrobe for six bucks.


And, Unrelated Note #4 - Believe it or not, my knitting was featured on local television, thanks to local celebrity adorable hottie Glenn Zimmerman! He even called me a Genius Knitter. (Go ahead and laugh. I did.)

I am SO sending that little tidbit into my high school's alumnae newsletter.

7 comments:

cpurl17 said...

Brilliant column! We need to get you syndicated. :)

By the way, I interview a lot of people in my job and if someone had made that MTM comment, I would have given them bonus points!

Elizabeth said...

Be careful not to stock up too far ahead on Thomas stuff. That phased gets switched off like a light faster than you can say Island of Sodor! One day, they're talking about Gordon, Edward, Bill and Ben, and the next: poof! It's "I HATE Thomas!"

Good luck with the job thing! I hope they'll see what a gem they'd be getting. Though I read your sentence as "bilingual idiot" the first time through.

Batty said...

I used to hate clothes shopping with my mom. She's a lovely woman, a great lady, and she still loves to dress up. But I remember it taking forever. The last time she tricked me, I was 19! I wanted to check out a nearby game store, she said she was just going to have a peek at some clothes at a nearby luxury department store. We finally left 4 hours later. I can't believe I fell for that one in spite of years of experience!

Rima said...

"Breakfast with Mary"! LOL! I like that. I also hate clothes shopping, and the addition of the monkey children has increased the pain tenfold, so I hear ya sister.
I'm sure that you did fine on that interview. You're bright and verbal. We all have our moments of flatline. I'm sure you snapped out of it. Good luck with it! I hope you find something good!

OldLadyPenPal said...

Today I went pants shopping, and maybe I mean pants in the international sense.
Chloe assured me that it was not the pants that curved out on their own, but rather the shape of my bottom that made the pants curve outwards. Thank you, Chloe.
I am going to search YouTube for that weatherman!

Cindy said...

I missed the bit with Glen Zimmerman. I am so thoroughly disappointed. Damn. Now, for the church thing. You are letting one bitchfromhell ruin something that should be just another thing in your life with your family. She's a church lady. The only reason she does what she does is that nobody else wants to do it and nobody wants to be near her. Also, the only reason your interview might not have gone well is because you showed that you have a personality and a sense of humor. Neither of those things is allowed in the business world. Shame on you;)

buttercup said...

I'm so psyched he wore it!!! Is there a clip on You Tube or something? AWESOME!

Good luck on the interview, and any others that may come your way. I'm sure you did fine. I've blathered on and on and giggled like a dumb blonde and still got the job. You'll be fine!