Sunday, March 04, 2007

Humiliation, Thy Name is TITO.

Ok, remember how yesterday I mentioned that little Tito got us kicked out of church once? I'm thinking about changing Tito's name.

To RESIDENT EVIL.

I also mentioned yesterday that I had to attend some PSR church thing, lest I face eternal damnation. And I always take the Apes with me in hopes of nonverbally making the point that they really should offer child care for kids younger than kindergarten age so that the people who are old enough to understand the message can hear it without being distracted.

Beeb was with a group of other 3rd through 5th graders in the church's school library listening to a presentation on St. Vincent De Paul and I was trying to hang back near the doorway in case I needed to make a quick getaway with an Ape. I kept trying to get them to sit quietly and behave themselves - since we were, of course, not only in a library but a library full of church people - and they were actually doing reasonably well apart from the occasional audible sighing yawn.

Until I looked over at Tito and saw him sitting on the floor with his hand down his pants.

I tried to quietly remove it, hoping to attract as little attention as possible, and with his free hand he - get this - SWATTED my hand away. Wuuuuh BAP!! Scared me.

Tito, stop that! I could see the chances of my not creating drama dwindling away before my eyes. And then...

BUT MOMMY, MY WIENER IS TWISTED!

Great. Perfect.

After the church thing I had to drop Beebie off at a friend's birthday party. In the past, my catty bitch husband R (who would totally be my best girlfriend were it not for his penis) and I have invented nicknames for some of the kids at Beeb's school. I know it's childish. Really, I do. But sometimes the kids are just fuckin asking for it.

For example, there was a Justin Bumm in her kindergarten class who was always picking on her, and I got in the habit of calling him Justin Bumblebutt. I'll have to tell you the Justin Bumblebutt story sometime. Remind me.

Beeb's party today was for a girl R and I call Creepy Rita. She's not as creepy as she used to be, but she's definitely a little strange and the name has stuck. It's fun to say, isn't it? Creeeeeeepy Reeeeeta. I'm always afraid I'm going to accidentally call her Creepy Rita to her face.

Anyway, while Beeb was at Creepy Rita's party, the boys and I went to the library. Tito got on one of the computers and spent the time he could have spent selecting a book or video playing Dragon Tales ABC's. This was just fine with him until it was time to go.

Me: C'mon, T, we have to go get Beebie at her party...

Resident Evil: But I didn't get to check anything out!

Me: I know, honey, you played on the 'puters and we don't have time now.

R.E. : I HATE THIS STUPID PLACE!!!

Super.


Maybe I'll just rip my own ears off and swallow them. Then at least I won't hear him embarrassing the crap outta me.

8 comments:

Elizabeth said...

Well, the church story gave us a good chuckle, even if you were dying of embarrassment.

My guys have had all sorts of bad behavior in the public library. Always a great moment. Once, I had to take The Little Emperor's just-checked-out items and put them on the return cart and drag him out in full tantrum because he was hitting Owen. Not pretty.

Carol said...

*snork*! Twisted, eh? Now, while I admit, not having a "weiner" of my own, perhaps I am insufficiently empathetic, but geez, it's too freaking funny!

OldLadyPenPal said...

My wiener is twisted has got to be one of the best things I've ever heard!

Cheesy Knit Wit said...

I have to agree with old lady pen pal.

My wiener is twisted. Awesome.

Bob said...

Bwaaaaaahahahah! Go Tito! Something we of the un-fairer sex wish we could shout at the top of our lungs on a daily basis. I'm gonna do it next Sunday!

Rima said...

Girl, you are living my life! I feel for you. The good part is that when the kids do evil stuff, a lot of the time I'm secretly glad at who they did it to. I've had some proud moments with my daughter but I had to outwardly disapprove.

Batty said...

The church story had me cracking up for a good minute or so. That's a classic. Something to tell his prom date!

Poops said...

Did you write "My weiner is twisted!" in the book of things you are going to embarass him with later in life?

That killed me. Loved it.