Still Wookin!

Ok, I'm gonna go ahead and preface this with the disclaimer that I KNOW these aren't nearly as funny as the Blue Footed Booby Girl in last week's post. You're all just going to have to accept her a once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon. Deal.

Let's move on to this week's unsavories. As always, these are actual profile photos from an online dating website.



Again with the scrunchies!
How old ARE you??
















Is she snarling on purpose or is her necklace too tight?












That's just an ungodly amount of AquaNet.














Her profile says she's 25.
Riiiiiiiiiiiight.















Nuthin says sexy like a look of total desperation. Is it the ridiculously awkward pose, the exploding poof of bangs, the feeble attempt at a come-hither look through her too-big-for-her-face glasses, the black feathers or the fact that she's probably topless underneath the black feathers that bugs me most about this picture? I can't decide.


Oh, wait - I'm pretty sure it's the topless part.




At first glance, I thought, Hey, when did Harry Potter grow Boobs? This is Shannon, posing seductively to give the guys a lil peek at her great rack... and her BOOB ZITS! GIH!!










And now, the guys -




If a grown man in a Boy Scout Uniform isn't creepy enough for you, get this - his username is Goodnsticky.

Tell me THAT'S not totally fuckin sick.













Check it out - it's EARL!











What's that collar about? And look on the wall - what's that a map of?

I guess when your dad is Christopher Walken, you can be as weird as you want.













Boy, doesn't this guy look like a fun date? Looks like he just stumbled in after getting his ass kicked in a bar fight.













Cue the 1970's cheesy porn music.

Abowchickabow BAAAAA WOW chickabow...














"Oh, come on, Mom! I don't wanna stand by the flowers for a picture. No. NO!!! Awwww, dammit, Mom - fine! CHEESE!!!

There, are you HAPPY now?? It's not gonna help me find a girlfriend, Mom. No, it's NOT! I don't CARE if you want grandchildren! Oh, for Christ's sake, shut UP, Mother!!!

Ok, that's it! I swear to God, I am TOTALLY going to move out of the basement - really, really soon!"

Who's the Big Wiener?

Bezzie, that's who!

If you're visiting this blog for the first time (and if you are, I invite you to stop by tomorrow for Wookin Pa Nub Wednesday), I ask a simple question every Tuesday and the answer to the question can be found somwhere on my blog. You can send me your answer either by posting a comment (which I moderate) or emailing me directly. Then I draw a name at random from all the entries with the correct answer. The prize is a lil bitty bottle of Simple Green.

Why Simple Green? Cuz they sent me a buttload of lil bitty bottles when I asked them if they made lil bitty bottles. I wonder if the good people at Toyota would send me a minivan if I wrote them to ask if they made minivans. Ya think?


Last week's question was:

Last spring, when I was approached via email by a total stranger asking me to disclose my bank account information so that some rich widow could name me as her next of kin and transfer me nine million dollars, what did I tell the stranger my name was, and what was my family famous for?

The answer was Molly Miller, heir to the Miller Beer fortune. But at one point the guy emailed me calling me Molly Bier, so that's close enough for me (and the other two people who got it right have already won), so Yay Bezz! There's some Simple Green comin' your way!

Oh, and if you've won some Simple Green recently (Fluffy Ewe, Poops, Sarah, Bob), it's coming, I promise. I'm just slow. Ya see, Oprah has somebody else taking care of the logistics of giving shit away to all of her fans, I'm doing it all by myself. So chill.

Ok, next question. Should be an easy one.

What was I supposed to order for my mom at Starbucks?

Good luck.



Other interesting developments:

Yesterday Beeb brought home a note about an informational meeting for the Girl Scout Troop! (Hmmmm... I wonder if somebody's been reading my blog??) She wants to do it, and I think I'll let her if it doesn't conflict with all her other stuff. I want to either show the Stella Dallas Moms that I'm not as big an idiot as they make me feel like I am, or else maybe have some fun with it and go completely ballz-out crazy and scare the hell out of them. Like come to a meeting dressed as a pirate or offer to teach the troop the art of pole dancing. Just think of all the cookies they'll sell! Or maybe I can teach them to knit baby black widow spider hats!

I'm extremely concerned about Beeb's schoolwork. She's had nine late assignments in less than nine weeks. Granted, she's only in 4th grade so it's not a huge deal yet, but it will be if she doesn't grasp the concept of Keep Track Of Your Work now. She and I had a conference with her teacher, I've grounded her, banned her from watching TV, everything I can think of.

Even after the conference she's missed assignments. Even after a conversation just last night about the total number of missed assignments she's had this quarter, she was caught in a lie this morning when it came time for me to sign her assignment notebook. She'd told me last night that she did all of her homework when in fact she hadn't, PLUS she had waited until the last possible minute to give me a note from the teacher for me to sign about the homework she didn't turn in the day before. I was FURIOUS.

I think what bothers me the most about it is that I would do anything in the world to help her and I have already done all I can do. It's up to her to accept the responsibility of remembering to bring home the assignment, finish it and turn it in on time. She has to learn this herself. I can't do anything but remind her to do it and hope she's not lying to me when she tells me it's done. Her teacher has told me that she cries when she doesn't have her homework, because she knows that I'm going to find out she lied to me.

The Twitterbitches were not in attendance at Bellydancing last night. We had a substitute teacher who was tougher than our regular teacher, and the sub told me I had "a great shimmy"!! I think I'm going to add the Thursday night class to my schedule now that I'm giving up on my aerobics class.

Why am I ditching aerobics? Last week when I arrived the class was walking out of the building due to a fire drill. Um, ok... I had the boys with me so I didn't know what to do. I went inside to drop them with the babysitter but the people inside told me we had to get out because of the fire drill, so I took them back outside to ask the instructor if she knew where the kids were, and the class had already begun walking around the perimeter of the parking lot. The boys and I started walking to try to catch up, but within about thirty seconds the boys weren't having any more of that, and the class was way too far ahead, so I just left and I'm not planning on returning.

There are only about six people in the class, would it have killed someone to stay behind and tell me what the hell I was supposed to do? Couldn't they have waited a minute while I dropped the boys off? They saw that I had the boys, I obviously couldn't drag them on the walk, they didn't even have jackets or anything. I dunno, maybe I'm over-reacting, but I thought it was kinda shitty.

Most of the other women in the class have kids that go to the babysitter too, and nobody offered to tell me where I was supposed to take my kids. That just really pissed me off. I mean, yeah, it's aerobics and it's not like we have to be best friends or anything, just help a sistah out! Other moms know how hard it is to get up and get the kids ready and get out of the house, c'mon!

TV Talk Friday, Weekend Update, and Blogstalking Monday

TV TALK

Is it just me or is anyone else having a hard time getting into this season of Survivor? Maybe it's just early and nobody stands out yet. Emmitt Smith is still my favorite on Dancing With The Stars. And, believe it or not, Jerry Springer is still in it. AJ (the one that looks like Linda Evangelista) is still my favorite on Top Model. The Amazing Race is a great group of contestants this time. I like the single moms, the coalminer and his wife, and Sarah (but not her teammate Peter, he's an ass).

Of course, the most interesting thing on TV this week was the ST LOUIS CARDINALS, BAYBEEEEEEEE!!

In fact, all of my teams won this weekend. My Mizzou Tigers are 6-0 for the first time since 1973 and the Rams are 4-1!


WEEKEND UPDATE

Saturday, we went out to Chez Inlaw for a hayride. It was okay. FIL was nice to me, but apart from that, it was not really a newsworthy event. Oh - FIL asked R if we'd seen that new show Heroes (we have). FIL is very concerned that children watching the show might mistakenly believe that they themselves can fly or run through fire without getting burned like the Heroes do. Yes, he's concerned about the possibility of random kids out there in the world tuning in to a TV show and attempting to do the same things they see on TV, yet the fact that his own kids are emotionally crippled, neurotic wrecks from years of living in fear of his wrath completely eludes him.

Yesterday was another Adventure Day. This time we went West, to the Lake of the Ozarks area to find a magnificent State Park called Ha Ha Tonka. What led us there initially, other than the funny name, was that there are the ruins of a castle that was begun in 1905 by a prominent Kansas City businessman. The man was killed in an automoile accident in 1906 (back when there were like, what 10 cars on the road? Darn the luck.) when the work had just begun, and then in the '20s the man's son decided to finish the castle. It was in use for a while (there are pictures at the park of what it used to look like), but it was destroyed in a fire and now the ruins are part of what I would say is one of the most spectacular state parks I've ever been to.



















Here's what the spring looks like from the castle.


In this pic you can kinda see the trail that runs beside the spring.


We came down the steps that this sign is warning you about.


See?


And at the bottom of the steps was this beautiful spring!


It was a perfect day. Fall colors at their peak, perfect weather, cloudless sky. The park was beautiful and well-maintained, and we all agreed it was totally worth the drive. Everyone got along despite the four-mile hike and spending a total of 6 hours in the car.

The one bad part of the day was that Ry got a big splinter in his finger, so we went to WalMart in Camdenton and got a needle, tweezers and some Band-Aids and while we were there, little Tito very casually mentioned that he had to go potty, so I took him and he went! YAY, T!!!

P.S. I was going to take Beebie's picture next to Highway BB, but she didn't want to.


And as for this week's Blogstalking assignment, the assignment was "a pet's eye-view of the world around him/her". We don't have a pet since the untimely demise of Beebie's WalMart fish Buddy. I figure with three apes in the house, I really don't need any more animals.

I was downloading the pics from Ha Ha Tonka and found these pictures on the camera. L knew I didn't take them. Apparently the boys got a hold of the camera and documented an Ape's View of the World! And since they took pictures of each other, they clearly must have taken turns!


















This was taken from the top of the basement steps - the steps which both boys have fallen down before. Tito got stitches.


This is the basement floor. I'm so glad you can't actually see it.


I can't even tell which kid this is.

Poo-pourri Thursday

Again, I wanted Themeless Thursdays to encompass whatever topic I feel like talking about, and somehow, despite my best intentions, the topic I keep coming back to is poop. So I guess I'm going to have to stick with Poo-pourri Thursdays. Hopefully something more interesting will come up as a topic. Someday.


Friends, please look past the fact that I took a camera into a bathroom at an elementary school. It's more like I happened to be in an elementary school when I had to pee, and I pretty much always have a camera in my purse. See? Now I don't sound like such a sicko perv. I will confess that I did laugh hysterically out loud to the point of tears in the aforementioned bathroom at the elementary school. Is that creepy?











Notice the explosive diarrhea starting before the little cartoon hiney even hits the potty seat.





And I also love the little "OK" fingers indicating that you've completed all the potty steps.















And guess what, y'all - CHERYL found Buckwheat singing Wookin' Pa Nub on You Tube!!! Be sure to check the update on yesterday's post!

WPN Wednesday!

Yeah, I posted early. I just couldn't wait. It's my favorite day of the week, WOOKIN PA NUB WEDNESDAY!

I shouldn't assume that everyone knows what Wookin Pa Nub means. What exactly is Wookin Pa Nub, you ask? It's from an old Saturday Night Live Sketch called "Buh-weet Sings", featuring Young Eddie Murphy as Buckwheat. I tried to find a sound clip for you and I couldn't find one.

UPDATE - CHERYL FOUND IT ON YOU TUBE!




HERE's a transcript.

Or here's the definition from UrbanDictionary.com.

In a nutshell, Wookin Pa Nub means Looking For Love. And that's just what these folks are doing. These are actual profile photos from an actual online dating site, compiled for your amusement.

And I'm feeling particularly generous today.



This guy's username is searchisover. Whatever. I'm pretty sure the search for his neck is still ongoing.










This guy looks like Lando Calrissian's cyborg love child with one of the creatures from the cantina at Mos Isley. And the fact that I just whipped out two Star Wars references in one sentence just totally creeped me out.









I don't think I really need to say anything here.










This guy's a Christian Rocker or something, it appears. He's got 14 pictures on his profile (hence the multi-photo montage), and I had a hard time choosing my favorite, but I just loved the bent-over squat thing in this pic. Like Fabio taking a dump.


And check the rings.



























I can't decide whether or not I actually want to know why this guy is sweaty and naked.















Um... hmmmm... yeah.










Oooh, I love a man with a mullet and a Big Gulp! I just hope my cupholder's big enough to accomodate him, knowhatimean?

Hang on, doesn't it look like this pic came from surveilance footage?












And now, the ladies!





MAN HANDS! MAN HANDS! Oh my GOD, what kind of photographer doesn't crop the hell out of that picture??












Ok, I know it's not funny. But it kinda is.

















It looks like Miss Thing works for a cellular provider. Um, Honey... 1986 called, ok?

And from what I remember of high school geometry, her eyebrows are isoceles triangles! How clever!













Like I have time to pick this one apart.















When Self-Tanning Lotions Attack!














And I've saved my favorite for last. Doesn't this gal look EXACTLY like a Blue-Footed Booby?
Check it.

(Special thanks to Thomasina for the Bandersnatch photo link)














And here's a little added bonus: a wacky button for your blog! Don't say I never gave ya nuthin!







PENNY NUBS YOU!

Omigah Omigah Omigah Omigah!!

Tito peed on the potty not unce, not tice, but FEE TIMES A MADY today! Sorry, I'm in Wookin Pa Nub mode, which is tomorrow.

He went at home, of his own volition (stopped playing trains, shouted "I HAVE TO GO!", then went into the bathroom), and later went at the babysitter's while I was Bellydancing with the Twitterbitches, and finally, during bathtime, he got OUT of the tub and went! Oh frabjous day, callooh, callay!

I'm so excited I could just burst into song, like this guy -






Incidentally, that bad singing just reminded me that I forgot to tell you Alfonso Ribiero was the Grand Champion of Celebrity Duets. I mean, in case you were wondering, as I'm sure you were.

And the Big Wiener Tuesday wieners are Poops and Sarah! They were the only ones who entered, and both were correct. The game that we gave Aldigirl that she already had was Cootie Jitterbug. Nice job.

And now, the next Simple Green Simple Question:

Last spring, when I was approached via email by a total stranger asking me to disclose my bank account information so that some rich widow could name me as her next of kin and transfer me nine million dollars, what did I tell the stranger my name was, and what was my family famous for?


Finally, in honor of my Bloggiversary today - Using a random number generator named Pie, I have randomly selected the big wiener of the Major Award. And the wiener is... BOB! You'll be receiving a Barnes and Noble Gift Card, a lil bitty bottle of Simple Green, a 5x7 photo of Mr. McFeeley, and a Clay Aiken CD! Congratulations!

When I am an Old Woman I Shall Wear Purple.

But only if I can borrow this lady's dress. Gotta applaud her boldness. This pic was taken at a festival we happened upon in our Family Adventure Day Sunday travels. I think this was in the town of Brussels, Illinois.


















It was a cute little town festival thing, with really cheap prices on beer and food. Too bad we weren't hungry. We had lunch earlier in Louisiana, MO at a beautiful park overlooking the Mississippi River.
















We love Sunday Drives. Paying $3 a gallon for gas didn't even stop us. And now that the fall colors are just starting to come out, it's time to ride the Great River Road. We drove up the Mississippi on the Missouri side, crossed the bridge at Louisiana, MO, and drove to Brussels, IL, took the ferry across the Illinois River to Grafton and finally reached our end destination - The Great Godfrey Maze.




Somehow, walking through two miles of corn wasn't nearly as much fun as I had anticipated. I'm not sure we'll be doing it next year.

Incidentally, Tito went from about 10am to about 5pm without peeing once. He kept his pants dry, but refused to go on the potty despite our frequent stops for Potty Breaks. Ultimately, he waited until we got home. He still wouldn't sit on the potty, even at our house. He waited until he was in the bathtub, then stood up and announced, "I'm PEEING in the TUB!!!" Hey, at least we know he can hold it when he wants to.



The highlight of my weekend was the PBS Kids-sponsored "Arthur's Picnic in the Park". It's this annual party in Forest Park with costumed characters who sit in tents and kids wait in ridiculously long lines to stand next to them for a picture. I was proud of my kids for being patient while we waited to get Mommy's picture taken with TV Legend, Mr. McFeeley! Ya think Mr. McFeeley's ever been in a pic with a lady's bra strap hanging out of her shirt? I feel like such a tramp, flashing my bra in a picture with Mr. Speedy Delivery.
















And now, to business. Blogstalking assignment for the week is UFO sightings -"unfinished object", for the Knitting Muggles. I know it's not necessarily well-documented in this blog, but I actually do knit, almost every day, in fact. Here's what I'm working on now.



Shut up, I know it sucks. I blame Lion Brand. Magic Stripes, my ass.