I've Been Trapped Under a Large Heavy Object For the Last Five Days.

Just kidding. I've just been busier than usual.

Doing what, you say? Well...

Friday was Mr. P's birthday. He got Star Wars Battlefront, and for being four years old, he's really pretty good at it.

Earlier in the day, R (who had taken off of work that day) and the boys and I went to a Goodwill store near the outskirts of Nowhere. And it was there that I suffered a Full-On Panic Attack. I debated whether or not to even write about this, because it challenges my Descriptive Abilities, but I'll try to paint a picture of the scene.

Goodwill stores are usually pretty interesting People Watching, but this one was a stone's throw from Torronado Estates, if ya know what I'm sayin. So the People Watching was Particularly Prime. T-Dog had been whinier than usual that morning. He was tired, I was tired, and things just started off bad. He didn't want to sit in the cart, but I insisted. And he resisted.

"MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! STOP PUSHING MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! STOP STOP RIGHT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!"

Quiet! I hissed at him.

"NO NO NO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!"

Oh my God, SHUT UP.

This went on. And on. I don't know what kept me from strangling him.

I should clarify here - I always feel like my parenting skills are open to critique by strangers. Always. I know it's not really happening, but I feel like I can feel people staring at me and wondering why the hell I can't control my kid. I feel like every other parent in the world got a Training Manual before they left the hospital and for some reason, I didn't get one. I feel like this ALL the time.

As a Stay-Home Mom, Parenting is my Job. I feel like I suck at it, I don't get paid, and I never get a vacation day or a sick day and I can never ever quit. And all of these swirling thoughts converged into a cold sweaty panic that literally felt like (and here I'm struggling for words) the air around me instantly became heavy, like I could physically feel it weighing down on me. I had to get out of the building or the ceiling was going to crash in.

At this point in the story, my memory of the ordeal gets a little foggy. Apparently, I walked over to where R and Pie were and whispered, "We have to get out... we have to get out..." over and over. I don't remember consciously choosing to say it, it was like the words were just squeezing past my teeth and through my lips and I couldn't stop them.

Bear in mind that T-Dogger was still screaming his face off.

R, God bless him, immediately took Ry's hand and we all very calmly made it out to the Parking Lot where I broke down and sobbed uncontrollably . Randy asked me what was wrong, and I said I didn't know. I really didn't know. I cried the whole way home. That was Friday afternoon. Then I sucked it up, put my Game Face on, baked a cake for Pie's Birthday and we had a little family par-tay.

Saturdays are always hard because R works all day. When R got home, Ry and I went to a birthday party for a little girl in his class. I got lost on the way and called R, not scared or panicked, but just pissed at myself. Eventually we got there and it was a really cute party. There were other parents there, and as I alluded, I never feel comfortable around other parents. But this evening actually went well. Although I did let it slip that Nat attended R's and my wedding. Not sure how that went over with the other parents, but I don't really care if people know that about us. Screw 'em if they have an effin opinion about it.

Then Sunday was Ry's birthday party. A little on the disorganized tip, but we got the important stuff like Lunch, Cake and Presents right. A good time was had by all. He got a bunch of Star Wars stuff and was elated.

Meanwhile, I've been taking Ambien for about a week and I'm afraid I'm dependent on it. I can't sleep without it. I've tried. It isn't pretty. But then I thought about it. Of course I can't sleep without it. That's why I started taking it. Duh.

So I called my Parents after the Party to let them know how it went, and in the conversation I mentioned my Panic Attack. To my Mom's credit, she at least understands that I really can't just wake up in the morning and "decide to be happy". She suggested that I check the Side Effects of Ambien. And today I did. The woman knows her shit but sometimes I hate it when she's right. Here's an exerpt from the Side Effects section of the Ambien.com website:

Changes in behavior and thinking: Some people using sleep medicines have experienced unusual changes in their thinking and/or behavior. These effects are not common. However, they have included:
• more outgoing or aggressive behavior than normal
• loss of personal identity
• confusion
• strange behavior
• agitation
• hallucinations
• worsening of depression
• suicidal thoughts

Lovely.

So basically, I get to decide whether I want to try to get by on 4 hours of sleep a night, or get a decent amount of sleep and pray I don't lose my personal identity, freak out over some random thing and drive off a cliff with the kids in the car.

Fantastic.



Then on Monday, Nat found out that her Science Fair Project got a 2nd Place Ribbon! Not bad! And that evening, Yetunde and I went to see Brokeback Mountain. I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since. What a well-told story! I enjoyed it a lot more than I expected to. A worthy Oscar Contender. And Heath Ledger. Yum. I'd probably still want to kiss him even if I was a guy.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day, and we went Low-Budget. We got a Tito Puente CD, R made a really great dinner and let me rest while he did lots of little clean-up projects throughout the house. It was exactly what I needed. I told him how much I love him and how wonderful it is that, despite my many imperfections, I never, ever doubt his love for me. I don't know what I would do without him, I honestly don't. I poured out my heart, tears and all, and it was extremely liberating and beautiful. Money can't buy that. And it's a good thing too, cuz we gots no money.

Yeah, good thing we went Low-Budget, as we discovered today that we were, once again, Significantly Overdrawn. Dammit. I looked at our statement online, and I about threw up. It seems what happened was that the Gas Bill posted via mycheckfree.com on the 10th instead of the 17th, on what would have been PayDay. My fault entirely, I should have changed the Payment Date. So EVERYTHING bounced. And I really don't understand Insufficient Funds Fees - if I didn't have the money the first time, why would they think I'd get that money PLUS the stupid fees? So I called the bank and got them to refund me $100 in Overdraft Charges, which was nice. Then we got hooked up with Overdraft Protection. We'll see how that goes.

Then we looked at our other bank account to see if we could move any money over, and Lo and Behold, our State Tax Refund had been Direct Deposited. God Bless the State of Missouri.

Oh, and today we had Oriental Spice tea in my Magnificent New Teapot! It's the coolest thing. I'll understand if you're jealous. My life is pretty sweet.

And lastly, another Ryanism.

Today I was just overwhelmed by what a cool kid he is, so I gave him a big bear hug and said "Ry, how did you get so cute?" And he said,

"Because of poop."

I had to say something Parental-Sounding before I started giggling, so I said "You know, Ry, when you say words like Poop, I wonder if you maybe just don't know any nice words to use instead." His reply -

"I know some nice words, I just can't think of any right now."

Poop.
Poop Poop Poop.
It really is kinda funny to say.
Poopity Poop Poop.

Ryanisms and SP6 News

Yesterday when Ry was eating Star Wars Fruit Snacks, he said,

"Hey Mom, guess what? My mouth is the Dagobah System."

AND, in SP6 News, I got the COOLEST Adagio Tea Newbie Addict Startup Kit from my SP! It's a little teapot and a sample of Black Teas. I am so completely stoked! A new addiction! Wheeeeeeeeee!!! I'll put a pic up as soon as I find the camera. I also need to find a tea cup/mug. I never drink coffee, so I don't even know if I have a proper cup for tea. If you're reading this, Beloved SP Tea Enabler, your recommendations on an appropriate tea-drinking vessel would be welcomed.

And I have a most amusing Cheapass SP as well, who has introduced me to Ozy and Millie as well as a host of other Cheapass Amusement. Click the button for the Cheapass Hootenanny if ya wanna know about that. My Cheapass SP was also the inspiration behind my adding a Dah-LINK link to Ivana Trump's website.

For the Love of Gob, People!

Tune in this evening for an Arrested Development marathon on FOX, running opposite the (yawn)Olympic Opening Ceremonies. Fox is billing it as the "Season Finale", but any fan of the show knows that they may as well call it the "Series Finale", since Fox routinely and methodically murders brilliant, well-written shows. Bastages.

Here's the preview from the Fox Website:

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
**2-HOUR SEASON FINALE**
Visit the ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT web site

IT’S A FAMILY AFFAIR ON THE SPECIAL ALL-NEW TWO-HOUR SEASON FINALE OF “ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT” FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, ON FOX

Judge Reinhold, William Hung, Justine Bateman, Jamie Kennedy Make Guest Appearances

In four back-to-back episodes, George Sr. hires a new attorney who asks the Bluths to participate in a mock trial to help prepare them for the real thing. The attorney gets actor Judge Reinhold, to preside over the mock case. Meanwhile, Buster fakes a coma to get out of testifying and George Michael and Maeby participate in a mock wedding to entertain hospital patients. Back at the office, Michael discovers he may have a long-lost sister named Nellie Bluth. In an effort to get to the bottom of things, Michael tracks Nellie down and hires her as a consultant for The Bluth Co. Unfortunately, Michael discovers Nellie’s hands-on approach is more than he bargained for.

Meanwhile, Gob goes to Iraq to perform his Christian magic act on the USO tour and ends up incarcerated. Michael learns George Sr. sent Gob to Iraq to burn down the model home he built there, so Michael and Buster fly to Iraq to spring Gob from prison. The Bluth brothers head to the model home, where they make a discovery that could end the family’s legal troubles forever. Back in Orange County, Lucille decides to throw a yacht party to celebrate. The Bluths gather aboard the Queen Mary for a trip that ends up being far from smooth sailing on the “Faking It/Family Ties/Exit Strategy/Development Arrested” episodes of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT Friday, Feb. 10 (8:00-10:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX. (ARR-310 / 311 / 312 / 313) (TV-14; D, L) CC-HDTV 720p-Dolby Digital 5.1 [VIEWER’S NOTE: THE BERNIE MAC SHOW and TRADING SPOUSES: MEET YOUR NEW MOMMY are preempted this night.]

Cast: Jason Bateman as Michael; Portia de Rossi as Lindsay; Jessica Walter as Lucille; Jeffrey Tambor as George Sr.; Michael Cera as George-Michael; Alia Shawkat as Maeby; Will Arnett as Gob; Tony Hale as Buster; and David Cross as Tobias.

Guest Cast: Justine Bateman as Nellie Bluth, Judge Reinhold as Himself, William Hung as Himself, Carrie Preston as Jan Eagleman, Michael P. Byrne as Bailiff, Peter Michael Goetz as Dr. Farmer, John Fremont as Brian, Bud Cort as Himself, John Farley as Clark, Ron Mathews as Ben, John Michael Higgins as Wayne Jarvis, Charlie Hartsock as Ted, Mark Mueller as Dave, Bronwen Masters as Adelaide, Rob Riggle as Congressman John Van, Jamie Kennedy as Himself, Justin Lee as Annyong, Cooper Thornton as Baker.

Mr. Pie, Master of the Impish Grin

Ry's bed arrived today, quite an event. We dismantled the crib, which made me a little sad. In the last month we've gotten rid of the changing table, the stroller and the crib I got for my baby shower when I had Nat. My baby shower was mainly attended by my mom's friends, who'd known me my whole life, since they'd gone to the church I grew up in. And there I was, the minister's daughter, unwed and pregnant. I remember feeling embarrassed for my mom that day, but it turned out to be an incredibly moving outpouring of support and unconditional love that astounds me to this day. The shower was almost 9 years ago but very clear in my memory, so getting rid of the baby stuff, well, it was hard.

Still, Big Boy Bed Day was funny. We put a new Bob the Builder sheet set on Ry's old bed for Tommy and he FUH-LIPPED. Two syllables, y'all. It was SO cute. And when the delivery guys got here, Ry was on the computer, so he was completely oblivious. We got the bed all set up, and the delivery guy asked if he could use our bathroom. DOH! I wish I'd cleaned it, but I figured, shoot, he can see we have kids, so hopefully he's not expecting spotlessness.

I meant to mention to him that there wasn't a lock on the door because Ry kept accidentally locking himself in the bathroom. In fact, one time Ry climbed up on the sink and his big belly got stuck on the edge of the sink and he couldn't get down - if it hadn't been so pitiful it would have been hilarious - but anyway...

Yeah, it entered my mind to warn the guy. But, like so many other things that pass through my mind in a typical day, the thought didn't stay embedded in my short-term memory for long. I think I was distracted by the Mace Windu sheets.

You see where this is going, don't you?

I was making the bed up all nice for Ry, and I heard Tommy's little footsteps in the hallway. Before I could decide whether stopping Tommy would be faster than yelling out a warning to the delivery guy, Tommy had already opened the bathroom door. Fortunately, Mr. Delivery Guy was just washing his hands, but still. Whoops. Shoulda warned him. I apologized profusely, and he was extremely good-natured about it. God, I was embarrassed, both by the state of my bathroom and by my 3-year-old who's clearly never seen a closed bathroom door in our house before. Sorry if that's TMI.



So tonight should be interesting. Tommy is spending his first night in a bed he can easily climb into and out of. And Ryan is sleeping with Mace Windu. And I'll be taking that last Lunesta, my friends.

Self Portrait Tuesday! But Wait - There's More!

Self Potrait Time!

"Funny, she doesn't look like a stalker..."

There's me at Vintage Vinyl (the coolest record store evah), right after I dropped off Glenn Zimmerman's Groundhog's Day gifties at the Station. Don't I look fetching?

Good thing the Z-man didn't come out to greet us in the lobby, or surely the Proverbial Sparks would have been a-Sizzlin'.

And now, I'd like to say a word about Lunesta.

YAAAAAAYY!!!!

When I woke up Monday morning, I estimated that I had slept a total of about 7 of the previous 72 hours. Last night I took a Lunesta at 10pm and slept ALL THE WAY until 6am!!! I couldn't believe it. If only Lunesta didn't retail for like $3 a pill. I got a sample from my doctor and I've got one pill left that I'm saving for a special occasion.

Next, the DVD movie rental review section of this post, brought to you by Blockbuster Online, which is the ABSOLUTE BEST MOVIE RENTAL DEAL going. I will review each movie in 3 words or less. Here we go -

The Constant Gardener: NOT English Patient.
In Her Shoes: Better than OK.
MURDERBALL: KICKED SERIOUS ASS!!!!
Roll Bounce: Wholesome Pre-teen entertainment.

I'm counting the hyphenated word as one word.

Ya Know What Really Pisses Me Off?

I'll tell you.

I hate how FREAKIN many different kinds of TAMPONS are available to me as a woman of child-bearing age. Ya got yer Regulah, Soopah, Soopah Plus, Soopah Doopah Ultimate Multi Platinum, Extra Special Supah Dupah Maximum with a Twist of Lemon... Sweet LORD!!!

The LAST thing a woman wants when she's PMS'ed out is to have to make a Major Decision. And especially if your General Pervading Shopping Guideline is to go for whatever is the Most Economical - Don't even put a math problem in mah face when it's mah girly time, OH KYE?

Jeez, I was about to spit fiery nails at the beeyotch who snagged the last 36 pack of Kotex.

May she be stricken with Hideously Unbearable Cramps.

Amen.

Time to Join the ABC-along! A is for...

All Are Asleep.





B is for Brothers in the Backyard.












C is for Children in Cute Costumes.

Guaranteed to Suck the Fun Right Out of Your Super Bowl Extravaganza!

So I'm minding my own business, perusing the Grocery Store ads in the Sunday Paper for Super Bowl Specials, and I find THIS winner, who appears to be more of a "short bus" kind of Special.







I wish I were kidding.

I'm stunned to see it, actually, because this was in the Pre-Super Bowl Sunday Paper last year too. Stunned that enough people didn't complain to Shop N' Save.

Grandpa Jim, could you not come up with a less icky name for your Award-Winning Recipe? I mean, dude... if the word Wiener absolutely HAS to appear in the title, please DON'T put a Verb next to it. OK? We don't need to know what a Wiener does. We don't need any Disturbing Visuals. God knows I have enough trouble sleeping as it is.

*** If you reeeeeeeeeeeally want to know how to make Grandpa Jim's Wiener Wink... I mean, WINKS, lemme know and I'll email you the recipe. And then I'll punch you in the head.

Yeah, I KNOW it's not a F*$%in' Groundhog.

It's a Monkey. It was the closest thing I could find. Deal.

Today, on Fox2 News in the Morning, My Beloved Local Meteorolgist showed the Viewers the Groundhog Day Card I gave him. THAT's The Holiday Spirit, y'all. I got all warm and tickly inside. And P.S. - isn't my BLM's pic adorable?

And now, I will participate in my most favorite-est of Traditional Groundhog Day Festivities -Going Back To Bed.

You Better Not Pout, I'm Tellin' You Why - Punxsutawney Phil is Comin' To Town!!!

I predict that by the year 2016, Groundhog Day card sales will eclipse Valentine's Day card sales. I'm on a mission to make Groundhog Day the gift-giving holiday that it fully deserves to be. Why? Because I like it when people buy me stuff. FYI, I have a Wish List or Two in the Side Bar under Linkage...

Now come on, if you know me at all, you know I like giving just as much as I like getting stuff. I even think I like giving more, because I always put a lot of thought and effort into a brilliant gift, and nine times out of ten the recipient tells me what a genius I am. And I love that. And the tenth time out of ten, that person is an ungrateful piece of crap and they're not getting another gift from me ever again.

Seriously, though, why make Groundhog Day a Major Commercial Holiday? I was inspired by Beloved (by me, anyway) Local Meteorologist Glenn Zimmerman, who was interviewed in the 1/29/06 St Louis Post Dispatch.


Talkin' groundhogs (but not too seriously) with Fox 2 meteorologist Glenn Zimmerman


01/29/2006

PD: So, what's the accuracy rate of the average groundhog?

GZ: Your average groundhog? Not your Punxsutawney Phil type? Well, I'd guess somewhere around 50 percent.

PD: Kind of like tossing a coin then, huh?

GZ: Pretty much, yeah. I mean, they're way better forecasters than the muskrats. That's why they've been pushed into the spotlight.

PD: You have five kids. Do the Zimmermans wake up early and excited on Groundhog Day?

GZ: Well, we get up early to see what the groundhog left us for presents.

PD: Ever receive a Happy Groundhog Day card?

GZ: I've not seen one of those, no. Usually I just get hate mail.

PD: Do you remember if the groundhog saw its shadow last year?

GZ: (brief pause, then laughter) No, I really don't remember.

PD: Can you spell Punxsutawney?

GZ: P-u-n-x-e-t-a-w-n-e-y?

PD: I think you left out a "u" in there, and maybe something else.

GZ: (muffled sound of self-chastising and possible banging of fist on Weather Center desk)

PD: 216 years from now, Groundhog Day will be on 2/2/2222. Is the Fox 2 weather team planning something special? Does Dave Murray have something in the works?

GZ: Well, we've had meetings. There have been e-mails exchanged, and memos are flying. Nothing's been set yet ... but we're thinking about reuniting The Animals for a big, downtown rock concert.

BY JEFF DANIEL


I say, why not? The December Holidays are behind us, and for many, myself included, the Winter Blahs have settled in. Valentine's Day, a day that can be Rather Depressing to the Romantically Challenged, is two weeks away. What do we have better to do on February 2nd?

It must be the sweetest gig in the world to be The Groundhog. Think about it. You show up for work one day a year. Nobody really expects more than 50% accuracy from you, so if you totally blow the one thing you have to do on the one day you have to show up, it's no big deal. And lastly, you get to spend your days in a place called Gobbler's Knob. I just love saying Gobbler's Knob. Gobbler's Knob. There's a Top Ten List of Groundhog Pick-up Lines in there somewhere.

I think it's tragic that Groundhog Day got such a bad rap in the classic movie starring Bill Murray and Worst Actress Ever Nominee Andie MacDowell. Groundhog Day shouldn't be synonymous with repeating a Really Crappy Day over and over again. It should be a day of Hopeful Anticipation. And, if the Groundhog's prediction isn't the one you were hoping for, it is an opportunity to practice that all-important skill of Dealing with Disappointment.

So I created and printed a Groundhog Day Card expressing my Holiday Sentiment, and I hand-delivered it to the Fox2 station this morning. I took R with me, so I wouldn't look like a Zimmermaniacal stalker. Some may call it Obsession, I call it being a Very Thorough and Extremely Creative Fan.

To-MAY-to, to-MAH-to.