Monday, May 04, 2009

Mi Vida Loca.

So last Friday morning at about 7, I was lingering in bed wondering what I'd do all day, since I really had nothing I HAD to do, other than the things I have to do every day, like dishes and laundry. I kinda like leaving my days open to the things that fall into my lap so I can avoid doing things like dishes and laundry. The fact that I have no actual plans doesn't mean I have nothing to DO. I always have a ton of shit to do. It's just a matter of motivation.

I rolled over to check my phone and saw that I'd received a text from Buffy last night after 10 asking if I could watch Perfect Baby for her today. She even offered to PAY ME this time, which was unprecedented. And about 2 minutes after I sent her a text saying "Sure, bring her over, I got nuthin goin' on today..." I got a call from Rip.

Lemme give you a little bit of backstory on Rip's situation. Rip's in the middle of one of the ickiest divorce settlements I've ever witnessed. Rip was married for twenty years to Satan's little sister.

Rip's spent the last two months trying to get his ex's name off of the house that they owned together, which she's been living in and not paying for, sticking Rip with the bill. The lease is about to be up on the house he's been renting for the last year and until The Ex gets out, he can't move in. He's got to get his shit out of where he's living now, but he's got nowhere to put it. He's got nowhere to go. Right now he's living in his camper in lot 32 at the KOA Kampground. Stop by and say hello.

Legally, she has to be out on May 24, and as incentive for her to get her ass out sooner than that, Rip offered to give her $50 for each day before May 24th that she moves out. She moves out today, she gets, like, a thousand bucks. But the money doesn't mean anything to her, she just loves the idea of him being homeless. Isn't she a peach, folks?

I hear murmurs of "Sarah, you bitter snarkmistress vengeful bitch, you know damn well you'd totally pull something heinous like that on someone who pissed you off too!!", don't I? Well, even I have a limit. I'd probably think schadenfreudenous thoughts and secretly pray for bad shit to happen to that person, but I wouldn't do anything myself directly; at least nothing that could be traced back to me...

So Rip calls and tells me that he desperately needs my help.

Ooooh! I love helping!

His landlord had told him it was ok to keep a few things in the garage of the house he was renting even though the house had been rented. However, the current occupant of the house was absolutely fucking HORRIFIED to discover that one of the things Rip had left in the garage was his son Skater's pet snake. I'd have freaked too, personally, but I'm far more sympathetic to Rip's plight.

He needed to move the snake tank out of the garage. Like NOW.

The idea of moving the snake tank was no big deal to me at this point. I had helped move it into the garage and it didn't kill me, so whatever. But I had a toddler coming over, and I also had Tito until 12:30 so I couldn't just leave to go and help. I don't want to leave a toddler unattended while I'm moving a snake.

Plus, as soon as Tito left, Perfect Baby was supposed to go down for her nap, and Buffy is a total stickler about the nap thing. The last time I had Perfect Baby over, she fell asleep and I had to wait a full two hours AFTER he was done at work for Buffy's husband to come get her because they didn't want to wake her up. I've literally had nightmares about her confronting me about my negligent disregard for Perfect Baby's nap schedule. I'm completely serious. Buffy haunts my dreams.

I wanted to help, and I could help, just not immediately.

Then Rip revealed Part Two of the favor he was asking me for - he needed to find Snakey a temporary home until Skater (whose car is broken, btw) could get around to picking it up.

I briefly pondered the importance of Personal Boundaries within the context of the limits of friendship. And then I cleared a spot in my dining room.

I can never tell Rip no.

Before you freak that I was planning to put a snake in my dining room, consider this - I wanted it as close to the front door as possible. And nobody eats in my dining room anyway, remember? I eat standing up. Like a horse. And occasionally I eat like a horse while I'm standing up. Don't judge me.

How I was going to get the snake there while babysitting was going to require some creative planning. Plus, I also had to figure out how, once I got it there, I was going to keep a curious toddler from pulling the snake tank onto the floor, cuz fuck if I'm going to actually touch a snake.

Buffy'd SHIT herself if she came to pick Perfect Baby up and found a snake in my house, but I was pretty sure her oblivious hubby would be the one to come and get her, so I wasn't too worried about his reaction.

While I was running through various possible solutions, Perfect Baby fell asleep on my bed. Fuck. Do I let her sleep, or is it gonna throw Buffy's universe out of balance?

Fuck it, I'm letting her sleep. I gotta think.

Perfect Baby woke up just a little before Buffy's husband called to let me know that the second job he had lined up today had fallen through and he was coming to get Perfect Baby earlier than originally planned. This was cool, except it meant that they probably weren't going to pay me any part of the $50 they offered me for watching her the whole day.

I'd had her for three hours instead of eight, and I've watched her for three hours for free before, so I knew they wouldn't offer me half or anything. I'd already spent the $50 in my head, but whatever, I was just glad that now I was free to help Rip out.

So after Tito got on the bus, I went over to Rip's, packed the snake in his truck and the stand for the tank in my van, gave him back the key he gave me to that house, and he followed me back to my house. Just as I got out of the Odyssexy and started unloading the stand, Rip pulled up in his truck and said he had just gotten off the phone with Skater, and he was going to go ahead and drive the snake to Skater's house in Wood River, which is about 45 minutes away.

I talked Rip into staying for lunch, since at this point I didn't have the toddler I'd planned my day around. And now, after I'd kinda psyched myself up by imagining the fun the boys would have torturing Beebie with it, I didn't have a snake to deal with either.

So the whole day had gone down NOTHING like I'd expected. And even the unexpected shit that fell into my lap had gone down NOTHING like I'd expected. It was just a completely weird day.

Bottom line, faithful readers - I absolutely LOVE the fact that, whether they have a rugrat or a reptile, my friends know they can count on me. :)


Kev said...

You're a better friend than me... The ONLY time I've had a snake in my house is when the little garter snake crawled in, and Emma (our cat) faithfully guarded it for us until we could get it out.

Penny Karma said...

Don't sell yourself short - you're a pretty damn awesome friend yourself.

Kev said...

awww thanks. But I'm still not snake sitting.

Scott Hulbert said...

You well help the friends out until we ask you to go to Comedy Night.. then its all pulling teeth! We will get revenge!

Anonymous said...

schadenfreudenous, really? I had to look that bitch up. Thanks for the education.


Batty said...

You're an awesome friend.

L Dawg said...

I've been waiting for someone else to make a more tasteless joke about "snake sitting", but I won't go there. I'm way to polished and proper for that ;).

As always, thanks for the (almost) daily entertainment, PK!

L Dawg said...

PK, If I lived in town, I would come by and wash and fold five loads of laundry. During that time I would insist that you sit on your ass, drink Bud Select, and refer to me as your "laundry bitch."

Penny Karma said...

Ha, I don't think I've ever folded my laundry.

L Dawg said...

Then you could call me "Lance Folds Five."

Rip The Grateful said...

I simply cannot express how wonderful it is to have a friend like PK. The indescribable stress I have been under of late has caused me to rely on my friends much more than usual, and the whole snake-tank-moving/snake-sitting episode is proof of that. No one in his right mind would ask a friend to watch a Ball Python unless he knew for CERTAIN that said friend was VERY, OVERTLY and OPENLY reptile-friendly.

As my brutally fucked-up life takes its final twists and turns into what will hopefully be a period of "settling down," I can only hope that someday I am able to pay PK back and relieve my beloved Penny Karma of some as-yet-unknown burden she will find herself carrying.

I have said this before, and I will say it again now and many more times in the future: I am the luckiest SOB in the entire world to have met this spectacular woman, and even luckier that she actually likes me and is my friend. Lucky is too tame. "Blessed" is more like it.

I am extremely grateful for your friendship, sweetie.


Rosi G. said...

You get the bestest friend of the year award. :o)