Thursday, May 07, 2009

Could someone please help me locate my spine?

This morning at 7:10 I got a text from Buffy asking if she could drop Perfect Baby off at 7:30 instead of 7:45. In her defense, she sent the message at 6:45, but I wasn't up yet so I didn't see it until almost a half-hour later.

Sure, I said.

She was at my door at 7:20. I barely had time to put clothes on.

She then proceeded to tell me all about what a shitty week it has been for her.

She's fighting with her husband, her boss is a dick and hasn't paid her the $500 commission he owes her (which means I'm not getting paid, I'm guessing), she's so tired, blah blah blah. She added that it's probably because her Mercury is in Retrograde. Fantastic. Maybe that's my problem. I don't know where the fuck my Mercury is.

Oh, AND, are you sitting down? She told me that yesterday Perfect Baby got sent home from her day care (yes, she actually PAYS a day care to take Perfect Baby three days a week - have I mentioned this??) because the teacher suspected PB might have...

wait for it...


I about shat myself when she told me that. Cuz I don't have my own kids or anything. Fuck THAT.

Turns out PB didn't have Ojo Rosa, she just has allergies. Still, Buffy managed to leave work 2 hours early AND cough up $25 for the co-pay. Yeah. Oh, I was so fucking pissed. I maintained my composure until after Buffy left, but FUCK, I was so furious my hands were shaking, my jaw was clenched, and I was on the verge of tears, and it wasn't even 7:30 yet.

So I continued in my morning routine and tried to think of ways I could fuck with Buffy in my own delightfully passive-aggressive manner. I was gonna fuck up PB's naptime, if nothing else. Oh HELL yeah, I'm gonna mess her up so bad she'll sleep through dinner and wake up at 10pm, pissed off at the world. At the very LEAST, that kid's stupid sleep schedule's gonna be my bitch today.

And P.S. - I'm breaking the "Binky is only for naptime" edict too, Buffy. Perfect Baby can SUCK IT, for all I care. Heh.

My kids never had a regular naptime. I did what I needed to do, and they were along for the ride. And I think my Apes turned out pretty good, if I say so myself. I'm not used to planning my day so a kid can sleep. Ideally, I should be able to get shit done when she's sleeping, but I want to vacuum and do about six loads of laundry and I can't. I have to drag her with me while she's awake and crabby. I'd love to take her to the grocery store when she's finally not screaming, but when she's asleep, I am completely immobilized. I can do NOTHING.

So I decided I was going to get as much done as I possibly could - I'd push through and keep her awake as long as possible until Tito's bus came, then put her down for the rest of the day. I put gas in the Odyssexy since we got paid today, I picked up a few little things at Walgreens and got cash back so I could take Tito and PB to my favorite church for their Rummage Sale.

And here's why I believe in Karma. I got 10 skeins of Plymouth Encore Bulky, four skeins of Cascade 220, a ball of Rowan Cork, and a cone of beautiful laceweight angora - all for $17. I've never bought yarn on a cone before, so I don't even really know what I have, but it was marked 50 cents, so whatever.

Oh, and get this - my knitting has recently been featured in a national magazine! Seriously! I'll show ya.

Anyway, Buffy called later in the morning to check on PB, and very humbly apologized for having had to, in her words "lean on me" so much the last couple of weeks. Lean on me? More like kick me in the back and knock me on my face, then jump up and down on my neck till it snaps.

And I totally broke down. I wasn't mean or angry, I didn't cry, but I very calmly said that I could NOT do two full days a week again because it's not just the days that I have PB with me that can't get anything done, it's also the full day of recovery that I need to take afterwards for my mental health.

I was absolutely worthless all day yesterday, stressed out from having PB the day before and being completely unable to relax because I knew I'd have PB again the next day. Nothing sucks more than having to spend the day between two fucked-up days un-fucking up the other two.

(I suppose the opposite of fucking up is fucking down, but that didn't make any sense, so I went with un-fucking up. But I digress.)

I have the Racers coming over for a 16-hour marathon Karma family lovefest on Saturday, and Kev's also coming over Friday to take me to Crown Candy Kitchen and the Art Museum, so I wanted to have the house at least a little bit clean (cleaner than it was after PB came over on Tuesday, anyway), and I obviously wasn't going to waste my time on Wednesday cleaning when it was just going to get messed up again on Thursday... it was just really frustrating.

I was so overwhelmed by all the shit I wasn't going to be able to do (didn't want to and probably wouldn't have done anyway, but so what?), I didn't do anything all day. I actually tried to take a nap, but was interrupted by, who else? Buffy's incessant texts telling me the latest adorable thing that PB just did.

So at that point I kinda unloaded a tiny fraction of the angst I've been unloading onto you, my vast readership, onto Buffy over the phone, and said I want to help, I really do, I understand your situation and I love PB to pieces - but I just absolutely can't do this. I can't handle two full days a week. I am so drained.

She felt absolutely horrible, and of course I felt bad for her. I didn't mean to make her feel like a jerk, I just couldn't let her think it wasn't getting to me at all, because it WAS. She again mentioned that she wanted to pay me, and fully intends to, but that darn commission check hasn't come yet, and Dummy hasn't gotten paid for the work he's been doing either, so as much as she would love to show up at my house with $100 bill in hand, it just ain't gonna happen until shit comes through for them.

It's like the Trickle-Down Economics concept, only reversed. Her boss owes her money, so she owes me money, and I owe the Termite people money. And the gas company. And the phone company (our livelihood). And the homeowner's association. But I got a great deal on some good utilitarian yarn.

I know she's not maliciously using me for free child care. I know what she's dealing with. Buffy works full-time, but her husband Dummy's been laid off since February, and right now they pay for PB to go to day care 3 days a week, and to send her all 5 days would cost them an extra $100 a week (which is were the $50 figure they had offered to pay me for a full day came from).

Dummy gets called in to work different jobs sporadically and it's kinda day-to-day, so it doesn't make financial sense to send PB on days when Dummy's home. Child care is expensive. Why do you think I've been a stay-home mom for the last 8 years? Trust me - I get it.

She confessed that she was hoping I'd keep PB twice a week until school's out for the summer on the 28th. I almost burst out laughing, but instead, I told her that if my husband hadn't already had one, I'd give him a vasectomy myself on the kitchen table. I'm sure she appreciated the visual of R's fuzzy beanbag. He's a natural redhead, by the way.

It's not even about the money. Ok, it is, but I can't do it next week because I've got to take Beeb to the dermatologist on Tuesday then I've got my Mammo on Thursday. But I did tell her I could take Perfect Baby the following week. Because I truly am spineless.

And here y'all were so proud of me for telling Buffy to go fuck herself gently. (That should probably read "Telling Buffy gently to go fuck herself", but it's all good.) Blogfodder, people. I do it for you. I got nuthin but love for you bitches.

And as I'm writing this, my throat's starting to hurt. Is it wrong that I'm kinda hoping Perfect Baby's is too?


Kev said...

Penny my dear, you SO don't have to clean house for the Racers. We may only have cats, but we've got 4 of those furry little shits (and I've got 1200 reasons to kill one of them right now - yeah, I know - blogfodder), so we understand the destruction that little ones can cause.

And I know just the cure for a hurtie throat... can we say "awesome as hell milk shake or malt?"

Skye said...

Well, I sympathize completely, but I think I've got you beat! I've spent more than a year being "leaned on" (read:trampled over) by someone who was not doing it maliciously but couldn't seem to stop herself despite repeated requests on my part. Only this week did I finally scrape together enough spine to end it ('it' being the trampling AND the friendship), by means of a written statement of childcare services I was willing to provide, the amount per week I would charge, and the consequences for late pick-ups. Hope it won't come to that for you.

Skye said...

And actually, I AM proud of you for not taking as long as I did to finally say you were overwhelmed.

Rip (Buffy a new one) said...

Way to GO! Sort of! You told her! Kinda!

Your throat hurts because all those WORDS and FEELINGS are trapped in there.

I still say send her an invoice and accept PB along with a check, if you so choose. I totally understand if their financial situation is tough, but I can bet you that they still have plenty of luxuries they pay for, such as cell phones (plural), cable or satellite, landline phone (if they have cell phones), etc. Money per month that can go towards child care while out-of-work dad is looking for work.

You have successfully let their problem become yours, owed entirely to the fact that your heart is as big as the state of Texas. Do yourself a favor and make this a BUSINESS TRANSACTION rather than a friend helping a friend, because clearly the whole helping a friend thing is causing the quality of your life to suffer.

I cannot stand idly by and watch something like this happen to such a beautiful human being. Give me Buffy's address and I will deliver the invoice myself. I'll even register you as a business in the state of Misery, if you want, so it's all official.

"Karma's Kiddie Klatch, LLC", dba KKK Daycare.

However, fucking with the kid's sleep schedule is PRICELESS. So is coughing in her face once or twice. Well, maybe just coughing in your hand and shaking Buffy's when she picks PB up from KKK Daycare.

turtlegirl76 said...

Aside from the week after next thing - good for you! I'm glad you told her how you were feeling. She needed to know.

Kev said...

Remind me to never piss Rip off.

Elspeth said...

I am so sorry to hear that! I'm very proud of you for saying something - knowing me I'd just stop answering her calls or something. And I don't know if it helps you or her, but after repeated allergy issues with my kids I've found out that it's only pink eye if there is discharge. If there's no discharge, it's an allergy. I start with allergy medication and see if it works.

Bezzie said...

I think it's the Dilbert comic where they go around wearing strap on spines. Obviously the answer to your problems is a strap on. Hmm...which honestly might work. What kind of naughty things can you keep laying about when Buffy comes to drop off/pick up PB?

Kev said...

Thanks to a previous post, we know she has a glass dildo to leave out...

Penny Karma said...

I should have kept Skater's snake and told her it was part of my Burlesque routine.

Kev said...

I love your Burlesque routine!

Speed "Let Them Wonder" Racer

Kay aka dkswife said...

Oh I am sorry Sarah. A few years ago a psuedo friend asked me to keep her 6 month old son every other weekend so she and her hubby could have some alone nite, etc. Holy cow, nevermind me wanting a date nite, etc..The nerve of people.

Oh, and I didn't take her up on that great offer.

SiressYorkie said...

I'm telling you, the flaming bag of dog doo on the front porch works WONDERS. There's a reason it's a classic.

Oh, and you keep calling the child Perfect Baby...she doesn't sound so perfect any more. Red itchy eyes. Rigourous nap schedule. Crying and screaming fits. Bloody hell. That sounds like Normal Baby. I'm guessing with all this child care she's lost her nimbus...

jessica o said...

I'll be honest. I could only read half of this post and none of the comments because my blood pressure spiked way too high. I hope she quits taking advantage of you.

My "BFF," who magically disappeared when she found childcare, had a knack for needing me to watch her son every time she called me. As soon as I quit saying yes, she quit calling. Cunt. Oops! Can I say that here?

Anyway, my life is a lot easier without that headache and her bitey kid.

Penny Karma said...

OF COURSE you can say Cunt here.

Kev said...

I didn't think we could leave comments without saying "cunt"

jessica o said...

Thanks, Kev and Penny. Can I get any of you cunts a drink?

Penny Karma said...

No, thanks. My cunt's full.

(Oh, come on, you knew I was gonna say that...)

Rosi G. said...

I have so much to say about this shit that I don't even know where to start!!! FIRST of all, FUCK that post pissed me off. SECOND of all, damn I'm so pissed I can't think straight.....THIRDLY, if she wasn't such a....damn...UGH!

I have FOUR kids and I'm ALWAYS conscious to make sure whomever I leave my children with whether it be for a one-time thing or their regular babysitter gets compensated properly. I ALSO do not impose fucking stupid ass rules like "make sure he/she/it takes a nap at X time and eats only X." Fuck that. My kids know that they have certain rules to follow at the babysitter's and other rules to follow at my place.

If I did that to my babysitter, she'd fucking QUIT.


PS: Um, if they need a babysitter so often, doesn't that mean Dummy is WORKING MORE? Hence, more income...HULLOOO? And I wanna see who the fuck works for free these days. Ain't no I.O.U. a paycheck!