Sunday, June 28, 2009

People really should keep sharp objects out of my hands.

I cleaned my house so Sandra could come over. Ok, I cleaned the two rooms closest to the front door, but that's more than I usually do. I left the sink full of dishes and the kitchen floor unmopped.

Just to reiterate, I had no idea what I was going to be shown in this "demo". All I knew is that this random girl called me out of the freakin blue, saying she was a friend of Buffy's.

Oh, and Buffy did respond to my text message, sort of. At 9:45pm -



She was calling to chat while she shopped for a watchband wide enough to cover her visible tattoos, which she didn't know was the policy in the office where she just started her new job (for which, she confessed to me, she is grossly underqualified). She didn't mention her friend Sandra. And neither did I.

For all I know, I did unwittingly agree to it. Most of the time I tune her out, wait for her to take a breath and then interject the obligatory fake "uh-huh", so there's a good chance I acquiesced without paying attention.

Given my intense dislike for all varieties of businesses that require "home parties" (based upon my horrid personal experience with the Toy one), the only possible explanations are: A) I wasn't paying attention when she mentioned it, or B) SHE NEVER MENTIONED IT.

Beeb answered the door with me when Sandra arrived. I had the brilliant idea to test Sandra's knowledge of Buffy's life just to see if they were the kind of good friends where Buffy'd want to help her out. If Buffy had another friend in the Greater Metropolitan Area, why didn't she call Sandra's ass to pick her up at the hospital?

As we sat down at my dining room table, I introduced Beeb as Princeton's girlfriend. ANY friend of Buffy's would know Princeton. Princeton is the center of her universe. Princeton has an uncommon name. Buffy has his name tattooed on her shoulder. A tattoo which will need to be covered up when she goes in to work, by the way.

Even Beeb noticed that Sandra clearly had no idea who I was talking about. Interesting.

And then Sandra set a cutting board on my table, and I knew instantly what was coming. THE CUTCO PRESENTATION.

I have seen the Cutco presentation SO many times, I could probably give it. If I had heard, "Hey, I have a friend who's selling Cutco Knives...", I would have shut that shit down instantly. Over the course of my life, I've had so many broke-ass friends lured by the promise of "getting paid to have parties", I swear I've heard them all. I've succummed only once. Never again. Never.

My friends know not to even invite me to those things because they just piss me off. I agree to never to give anyone their numbers or try to sell them anything, and I appreciate the same courtesy. You can tell me if you're selling something, and that's fine - I'll call you when I want to spend $200 on skin care or silver jewelry or adult novelties. But generally speaking, This Girl don't play that.

So I sat through the knife demonstration, pointed out that the group of knives I affectionately call The Dahmer Collection should come with a free bag of lime (Sandra was either unamused or didn't get it), pretended to mentally debate whether or not I wanted to spend more than my Odyssexy payment for the next five months to have The Premium set of really nice knives. Then she showed me the price for my top five favorite knives, then my top three, and finally my favorite knife.

I could feed my family for a week on the price of the Spatula Spreader.

I told Sandra that if I bought these knives, I'd have to use the cleaver to hack off my family's fingers and toes and use the Turning Fork to sautee them in the sautee pan (with lid) so we could eat. She got the hint.

And finally, she handed me a piece of paper with a bunch of lines on it.

"Well, as you know, my business is built by referrals, so if you give me the name of three friends I could call to set up a demo, I can give you the vegetable peeler... FOR FREE!!!"

That explains it. Buffy sold me out for a fucking veggie peeler.

I wish they didn't have the Lifetime Guarantee because I'd love for it to fall apart the first time she uses it.

Now I wish I had bought the Spatula Spreader - just so that when you saw on the national news that a woman from From Whence She Came with visible tattoos was found twitching in a ditch with a Spatula Spreader sticking out of her neck, y'all could have a little chuckle.


Anonymous said...

I'm guessing their "lifetime guarantee" isn't much better than their presentations, so I still hope it breaks.

And if Dummy calls for a ride home form the airport, you're busy. Even if it is just watching the Apes run around the house.

You'd think the whole "visible tattoo" thing would have been covered (pun sort of intended) during the interview process. And bitch - learn what timezones are. You only call the PK that late at night for an emergency. Hell, my 9PM text with the first half of a great Michael Jackson joke didn't even get returned, so I knew it was past her bed time.

I had one former co-worker sell me out to her "financial advisor." Never mentioned it to her (we still worked together at the time), but I also kinda stopped talking to her.

And I've had 3 friends try to give me the Primarica pitch - shot all of them down too. I actually went to the Primarica office in college to hear about their "great part time job opportunity." I shut down about 30 seconds in.

Penny Karma said...

In her defense, I can see why someone might not want to say "Hey, do y'all have an issue with Visible Tattoos?" during the interview process.

Here's my Primerica story - my very first Real boyfriend who married some Bob Evans waitress he'd been dating while he was also dating me (made it a huge big deal to break up with me before he left for college because he didn't want to be tied down) called me out of NOWHERE, many years ago (read: Pre-R), saying he just wanted to "get lunch and catch up".

I totally freaked, thinking he'd finally dumped his toothless skank of a wife, this was him realizing I was the great love of his life and wanting to get back together with me. I spent days agonizing over whether or not I was willing to forgive him for breaking my high-school heart.

I glammed up, and met him at Chili's. He had a briefcase with him and when he turned around to reach into it, I was fully expecting him to whip out a ring.

It was the Primerica pitch.

That probably should have been a separate post, huh?

Anonymous said...

It is the danger of long distance interviews. In person, it is a simple "pass" ( inked people are not a protected class) or inform the applicant that the ink needs to be covered.

Poops said...

A friend of mine just did this with Primerica too. Only I didn't know what it was. He told me he was going to become a financial advisor too and that he'd like to come by and try it out on me.

I told him sure, whatever, we're buds, and he knew I wasn't interested in any investment advice, what with us being flat ass broke, and he came over.

With his upline who proceeded to ask DH and I a million questions about our finances. Which is personal. And he did it in a way that made me feel totally stupid.

Poops ain't stupid, y'all and I told him he had a lot of nerve to come into my house and insult me at my own kitchen table, etc.

Found out later what Primerica really is, and that my friend thinks I'd be "really good at it." To which I reminded him that I already did my stint shilling rubber stamps, and at least with that company I have a shelf full of really good craft supplies.

Meh. You should have put the spreader in her neck.

I also submitted to a three hour demo of the Kirby vacuum, but I did that because he promised to clean my rugs. I'll do most anything to not have to vacuum it myself. It told him there was no way on God's green earth I was paying that much for a vacuum, and he tried to scare me with dust mite poop and my kids having middle of the night asthma attacks from dust.

I told him to look the fuck around. Does it look like I'm scared of dirt?

Hmmm, I think this could have been a separate blog post too....

Penny Karma said...

I heart Poops.

Batty said...

Whoa! Betrayed for the mere price of a veggie peeler? Things like that used to take a baggie of silver at the very least, and even then, the guy felt so bad, he hanged himself... seriously. What's the world coming to?

Ed's next door neighbour said...

Question is: who were the other two 'friends'???

SiressYorkie said...

When I got sucked into the Cutco pit of doom, the guy stunned me by making a corkscrew out of a penny. Anyone ever seen that trick? He then opened a bottle of wine which caught my interest because I thought, At last, something to make this presentation more bearable.

How wrong I was.

He went on to describe how the product was "recession-proof because people will always need knives". After that, when he called us into his office to tell us which of us he'd decided to take on to sell these knives, I said, "Recession-proof? You're kidding, right? NO product is recession-proof. If people don't have money, they ain't buying anything, dude."

I then told him I wanted those two hours back and walked out. I can't believe these folks are still around.

Kashmir Knitter said...

I've been Cutco-ed and Primerica-ed. I've also been Cookie Lee-ed, Mary Kay-ed, Avoned, Southern Livinged, Princess Housed, and TWICE I've been Passionbushed*!

It's never good. And if you can imagine me at any of those parties I'm sure you can guess that I hijacked those parties and flew them to some pretty exotic destinations.

I remember once telling a Princess House lady that the wine glass she was schilling would be perfect vessels for goat's blood at my next Black Sabbath.

I compared a Mary Kay lady to both Tammy Faye Baker and a crack dealer in one conversation.

Oh, and one time at a Passion party the Party Lady had the nerve to ask me a personal question so I went on for 20 solid, depravity filled minutes about everything from transgendered prostitutes and "devil's threesomes" to proper bondage technique and how her lube wasn't very good. Because I can run my mouth about ANYTHING when provoked, I had a lot of amusing anecdotes collected (from my wilder days and from friends), and most of all because it's SO much fun to make an entire room full of people including a lady selling sex toys so uncomfortable that someone might actually cry. God that was a fun day. See, the best things in life ARE free.

*A Passion Party ambush- You show up for a regular party only to find out it's a Passion Party. This is when I make you wish you were never born, I don't like being tricked.

Penny Karma said...

Remind me to tell you my Mary Kay story. It's a PK Classic.

SiressYorkie said...

Wow. I never had any of those things. I just got my kicks messing with Jehovah's Witnesses. How much experience am I lacking!?

The Beautiful Kind said...

Yes, This Girl also don't play that Brown Bag-Cutco-Candle-Kitchen-Mary Kay bullshit.

I do have one cutco knife tho. I brandish it when the Jehovah's Witnesses come knockin'.