Wednesday, March 11, 2009

A Typical PK Day, Part II

Here's the Official Game Recap, if you're interested. But I think it's safe to say that my Unofficial Game Recap will probably be a bit more colorful.

Ok, so at the end of Part I, I was freaking out about not getting to pick Speed Racer up in time to get to the Blues Executive Offices by 6:30. We found Speed standing on a street corner, got him in the Odyssexy, and headed for the Scottrade Center Garage. We paid $15 to park (which turned out to be totally worth it) for a really good spot in the garage, and made our way to where the Blues' suits hang out.

Beeb posed with the cardboard cutout of Keith Tkachuk while we waited for our Blues person to come for us.

Then a beautiful girl named Rachel introduced herself and asked us to follow her, which we did. She asked Beeb if she was a big hockey fan. Beeb said "No, but my mom is!" Nice. Rachel led us through the bowels of the Scottrade Center.


We're going to the LOCKER ROOM!!!

And just a little bit later, out came Badass Enforcer Cam Janssen!! He chatted with us for a good little while, let Beeb ask him questions (which she did, although she didn't ask if he knew how many career penalty minutes he had like I wanted her to). He was really sweet and genuine. Like the "public appearances" part of his job is as much fun for him as playing the game.

He was SO cool, very down-to-earth, gracious, and funny. And absolutely GORGEOUS. He signed a t-shirt and a puck and a bunch of stuff for Beebie and Elle, and Rachel handed Cam a poster to sign that apparently was outdated, because he made a comment like, "We still have these around? Man, those are old!" Now watch as I drop a little Old School Blues on him -

"Ha, like they have a huge stash of Garth Butcher posters in a drawer somewhere..."

That's right, bitches. Garth Fuckin Butcher. I dropped a Garth Butcher reference on Cam Janssen. Have you ever heard of Garth Butcher? Probably not, right? Garth Butcher is the greatest name for a hockey player in the history of the sport. If you're born with the name Garth Butcher, you're probably not going to grow up to be a ballet dancer.

Cam laughed, "Wow, Garth Butcher! Nice!" I had successfully dazzled the boy with some hard core Blues knowledge!

Well played, PK!

He asked Beeb if we come to a lot of the games. Beeb smiled and said "Nope!" I tried to spin it more positively and said this was the first time I'd brought her along with me, and he said that since it was her first game, he was going to score a couple of goals for us. And since he's known more for fighting than scoring, I told him,

"Nah, Cam, just give us a couple of good fights. Knock out a few teeth." He laughed and said, "You got it!"

Speed Racer can confirm that yes, I absolutely did personally request a fight from Cam Janssen.

My new BFF!!

Sign my boobs, Mr. Janssen?

Also worth mentioning is the fact that I got close enough to Blues legend Kelly Chase that I could have grabbed his crotch if I wanted to.

So Cam went back in the locker room, and they brought out the player's sticks on one of those rolling racks like in a fashion show or something, which was cool to see, but didn't make a great picture, unfortunately.

We were privy to goalie Chris Mason's pre-game ritual of kicking and grunting and stretching. It was really kinda scary, seriously.

And then the coolest part was when the players walked out onto the ice, each bumping Beeb's fist on their way out. Yes, my daughter got fisted by an entire NHL team. Speed Racer got video of it, I think.

Which was later shown on the Huge Ass Jumbotron during the First Intermission, but I couldn't get it to record right.

So all that pre-game stuff was awesome, and then we moved on to the actual game itself.

First of all, I should add that there is some exceptional people-watching at a hockey game. These were the folks in front of us.

That's full-on coinslot. Ugh. That pic doesn't even show how much of that chick's ass we were subjected to every time she stood up. It was horrifying. This one's a little blurry, but that big black thing in the pic is her crack.

Oh, AND, in the audience was Jason Bateman, of Arrested Development fame! They did a bit on the Jumbotron with Arrested Development Look-Alikes, and they'd show an A-D character and someone in the crowd who looked marginally like the character.

Some of the people looked absolutely nothing like who they thought they looked like, other than maybe hair color or vacuous expression. And then, when they showed the character of Michael Bluth, they put the camera on Jason Bateman, who was one section over from us, a little closer to the ice. Ok, a LOT closer, but we could clearly see him.

We were in section 125, which were by far the best seats I've ever had at a hockey game, not counting the Iguanas games I went to when I lived in San Antonio, where you could get a seat on the glass for like $11.

Here, you can get a beer for a mere $9.

And a "Jumbo, MY ASS" hot dog for $6.

The Blues scored 59 seconds into the game. Scored again later. The game was exciting, fast-paced and very physical, as both teams are fighting for a playoff spot. Then Beeb had to pee. Absolutely couldn't wait another minute. Figures.

I had a feeling we'd miss something important.

We did.

We heard the horn to indicate another Blues goal, and then we heard wild cheering. We stopped in front of the beer window to see what the deal was.

It was Cam Janssen making good on his promise. And doing a very thorough job. For almost two full minutes. Check it out, it is SO WORTH IT. You can even see Cam's bloody knuckles.

Didja catch the announcer calling it "a minute forty-six of brutality"?? Fuckin BEAUTIFUL!!! Anyway, Beeb and I watched it from the beer window.

Let me just say for the record that I need to remember to not take children with me to a hockey game ever again. The words "Take it, Barch, you fuckin pussy!" flew out of my mouth far too easily.

Our boy Cam skated one shift and got a 5-minute Major Misconduct for beating the shit out of total douchebag Krys Barch with about 8 minutes left in the 1st period and didn't come back in the game. He talked to us longer than he actually played in the game, not counting his time in the Sin Bin.

Beeb couldn't believe the same nice guy that we had met was the same guy fighting with another player and waving off the ref. Beeb said, "But he's so nice, it was probably self-defense..."

Nah. He did that for ME. HOW FUCKIN HOT IS THAT??!!?
Swoon. :)

Cam's talking from about 1:30 to 3:00 about the fight... and he's topless! So fucking awesome.

And the icing on the cake? The Blues scored 5 goals, so we all got coupons for free Blizzards at DQ!

And I fuckin deserve it.


SiressYorkie said...

Wow. I could totally care less about hockey 99% of the time, but that was a damn good hockey story there, PK. DAMN good.

Damn good.

tcurry said...

Hello, my name is Tonya, i found your blog a coupla months ago and have become addicted to reading it, i really love your wit and you seem like a real fun chick to hang with. I have been waiting all day to get the "rest of the story" as paul harvey would say......anyway your a lot of fun to read and thanks for bringing laughs to my work day , your preety great i think!! thanks for letting me "stalk" you ...hehehhehehe:)

Kev said...

OK - yes, she did ask Cam to get into a fight for her.
And she yelled the word "pussy" at least 5 times during the game.
The chick in front of us didn't pull up her panties the first few times she got up...

I had a fun as hell time. Best time at a hockey game - even better than the time Mrs. Racer and I were on the kiss cam.

I was going to do my own writeup of the night on my blog, but you've seen my pictures (because me and my crappy 2G phone were designated "Official Karma Event Photographer" - I know how to earn my keep...), and PK captured the fun better than I can.

Speed "GO BLUES!" Racer

L Dawg said...

0 say what? How's that possible on PK's best day ever? Awesome day! I thought about spoiling it by saying "Everybody knows the Blackhawks are better," just to stir up some shit, but then I decided to be nice and not provoke a massive kicking of my ass. But seriously, that's so awesome!

That's a 7-letter Deborah, never a Deb said...

Great story! You almost make me want to understand hockey. They didn't play it where I came from & I never understood all the rules. A friend of mine was the team massage therapist & kept offering me free tickets. I watched a few games on tv, thought I could handle it & finally went. By myself. Great seats. Alas, there's no announcer AT the game, so every now and then when the crowd would stand up & cheer, I would too, but I never understood a thing. I felt like a total dork.

Rip said...

Wow, PK. Beeb got to fist pump the entire Blues lineup? When I was 12, growing up in Chicago, I went to school with the son of the OWNER of the Blackhawks, and I never got to do that. If I had, it would have been a highlight of my LIFE.

I did get to see a 'Hawks game in the owner's box once, but that pales in comparison.

Nice job getting Cam to jack some guy for ya'. Sort of like the Babe hitting the homerun for the little sick girl, only on skates.

And with fists. And blood.

And I'd like to add that Ms. Curry is a fine addition to your blogosphere. I'm in Florida right now, too, Ms. Curry! It's nice here this time of year, huh?

(OK, I'll stop trying to hit on her...) :-)

Great story, as usual, Penny. You need a book deal...

Nell said...

Seriously... That's the best story EVER!!! The fist bumping thing really is the coolest.

ZantiMissKnit said...

Like Yorkie, I usually don't care much about hockey (although I enjoy watching the fights), but you've made it very interesting for me.

Plus, this:

**Yes, my daughter got fisted by an entire NHL team. **

Made me snort with laughter while covering reception.

Rosi G. said...