Tuesday, March 10, 2009

A Typical PK Day, Part I

This day - Tuesday, March 10 - existed in various incarnations, with events written on and scribbled off of my calendar before it even began. Here is what needed to happen today, originally:

Boys' Parent-Teacher Conferences at 5 and 5:15
Soccer practice 5:45 - 7:15
Blues game at 6:30 (allowing time to pick up Speed Racer and for parking)
Tennis class 6:30 - 7:30

How was I going to be in all of these places at once?

I wasn't. I was taking Beeb and her friend Elle with me, dropping the boys off at Rip's on my way to pick Speed up for the hockey game. Rip would then take the boys to Tito's soccer practice where R would meet them, take Pie to tennis, come back for Tito and then get Pie at 7:30.

And R better the fuck not bitch about it, because he knows I have to do shit like that all the time. (Nah, he won't bitch. He's good.)

The first thing I did was reschedule both the boys' parent-teacher conferences to Thursday. It pained me to do it, because I'd actually scheduled them months ago at back-to-back times so I didn't have to make two trips to the school. I was so proud of myself. And then, wouldn't ya know it, Beeb won tickets to the hockey game. She won the Blues ULTIMATE FAN drawing from Great Clips. Way to screw up my master plan, Beebish.

Added in on Friday afternoon, Tuesday's Spring Picture Day at school. Now I had to dress the boys nice. Figured I'd better do some laundry. I wished I'd had time to get their hair cut so they didn't look like a couple of mops.

Added Monday afternoon, Tito was invited to go home to a friend's house after school. The mom offered to take Tito to his soccer practice for me, which would have been a load off, so I said sure, no problem.

Doorbell rings at 7:30 Tuesday morning. It's Beebie's friend Elle's mom. I was still in my damn jammies with Yodas n' shit on 'em (name that movie). Beeb was supposed to tell me Mrs. Elle was coming over to drop Elle's stuff off. Beeb forgot.

Phone rings at 8:02, Tito's friend's mom called to tell me she was sick, so back to the original plan of taking the boys to Rip's on my way to the hockey game.

Phone rings at 9:59, Buffy called to tell me that her hubby, who's been laid off for weeks, got called for a job and could I please watch Perfect Baby for a few hours after she gets up from her nap. What was I supposed to say?

I wanted to say, Sorry, you'll have to tell Dummy he can't take the job because my house looks like ass and I need to clean it up before Beebie and Elle (who vacations with her family in Europe every summer and lives in a 1.5 million dollar home) get home from school at 2:45.

I told her I was on my way to WalMart to get some stuff for our trip, but after that I'd be home. She said she'd have her husband Dummy call on his way over. I can call him that; it's way nicer than what she calls him, believe me.

And here's how my blog keeps me sane - I can keep an eye out for kooky shit to pass on to you guys and it takes my mind off of the current shitstorm I'm in the middle of at the time.

Anyway, at WalMart I found this -

Check this bullshit track list!

Rich Girl? Isn't that Hall and Oates??
And since when is Stayin' Alive RAP???

I totally remember being at a Fraternity (and no member of IFC/Pan-Hel would EVER use the word Frat) Party at the Sigma Chi house (the one where Brad Pitt lived a few years earlier, if that interests you), circa 1990, stumbling drunk down a hallway singing:

Pump it up, Pump it up...
And Pain!
C'mon C'mon, here we go...
What else? What else?
And Rain!
Keep it goin', keep it goin' now...

Whenever that initial JOOOYYY??? would play, we'd all scream like... well, like a bunch of drunk sorority girls. Good times.

and I also witnessed this -

Cuz it's not enough that we have those slutty Bratz dolls to show our daughters how to dress like whores. We have to dress our pets like whores too, now.

And peep the accessories, complete with tiara -

It says Primpin' Puppy. Primpin' Kitty would have been way funnier, IMHO. Sounds like my next Guitar Hero band name.

I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have a blog and a camera phone, some days.

Dummy dropped Perfect Baby off at 1:00. With a poopy diaper. There's no WAY he didn't know that was brewing on the way over. It's been a while since I had a kid in diapers, and even longer than that since I was a babysitter, but I'm pretty sure that's universally recognized as Stickin' it to The Sitter.

Yeah, so I have a filthy house and THIS kid.

For the next half hour I tried sweeping and mopping and vacuuming with one hand while holding a screaming baby on my hip with the other. It was NOT going well.

Buffy would shit herself if she knew what I did next, but fuck it, if I'm your last resort, if your situation is desperate enough that you call ME, you get what you fuckin get.

Yes, now I'm not only neglecting my own kids, I've added another kid to my kid-neglecting rotation. Thank you, Jesus, for The Wiggles.

So, in a moment of weakness, I parked Perfect Baby in front of Murray, and got some shit done. Including cleaning under Beeb's bed.

Beeb and I need to have a conversation.

Beeb and Elle got home at 2:45, and they took Perfect Baby off my hands for a bit so I could get the boys ready for their individual activities and maybe pick myself out an outfit that would work on a really weird weather day. It was 77 degrees earlier in the day, but now the sky was getting dark and it was supposed to get down into the 30's overnight.

The hardest part was that most of my dressier tops were my old, bigger size and they looked kinda maternity on me. Yeah, I'm thrilled that I've lost weight, but fuckin lot of good that does me when I'm frantically rifling through my closet, trying to find something stunning. And I really can't afford to go out shopping for new clothes. Frustrating.

Perfect Baby cheered up, eventually, and Dummy picked her up at about 4:45, leaving me with 15 minutes to get my shizzle together, get the boys to Rip's and hit the road. I was hoping to get to Speed Racer's work by 6, and it's about a 30 minute drive. I was freaking out a little bit. Really, I'd pushed the limits of what a human being can handle.

The girls and I dropped the boys off at Rip's about 10 minutes later than I'd wanted to, so now we were running late. It was starting to rain, so at that point I didn't know if Tito would even have soccer practice or not.

As it turned out, R picked the boys up, took Tito to soccer and rather than leave Tito alone at soccer while he took Pie to tennis, R called Rip to be there for Tito just in case it started raining. It was a good thing Rip was there, because it started pouring and poor Tito would have been standing in the rain all by himself.

Once again, Rip saved the day.

Part II is, in contrast, SO UNBELIEVABLY KICKASS compared to the first part of my day, it deserves to be a post all its own, so I'll be working on that today, as time permits. Leaving for Spring Break tomorrow night!!


L Dawg said...

Very entertaining, as always...

I can't wait for Part II.

Rip said...

Let me just say that I thoroughly enjoyed having the KarmaBoys at Chez Rip last night. I think I was at least partially successful at teaching them the rudiments of Yahtzee.

PLUS, oh yeah baby, there was some mighty fine MILF watching at Tito's "soccer" practice.

R knows what I'm talkin' about. And tell R that he's right--no ring that I saw either.

[insert creepy old man laugh here]

Hockeyjen said...

Even without kids, I can relate to days like that.

Oh... and for "Name that Movie", it's Raising Arizona. One of the greatest movies of all time. Well, one of the greatest in that genre, if you will. "Okay then."

Anonymous said...

Rip, You old dog you - borrowing the Apes so you can score on MILFs. I'm actually kinda proud of you... And Ry & Tito are the helpful kinda kids that would actually help you score (without knowing it, of course...)

Penny - The stuff was UNDER her Bed. As any kid will tell you, the "under the bed" space is sacred - it isn't really "in the room" - it is sort of a portal to another dimension, a place in the ether... Don't worry Beebs - I got your back on this one (and not just because I got one of the hockey game tickets)

And I will vouch for just how KICK ASS part II is. I'm hoping to be able to do my own blog post about it by the end of the week, but life keeps getting in the way...

Speed "Go Blues!" Racer

The Beautiful Kind said...

Just READING your blog posts wears me out. I HATE that pink schlocky made in China girl toy bullshit. I'm so glad I've successfully trained my daughter to know that Barbie is the enemy. Her latest obsession? Uglydolls.

ZantiMissKnit said...

I thought that said "Pimpin' Puppy", and I totally would buy that or a "Pimpin' Kitty".

There used to be a junk store owned by a Chinese lady in town that had a little wind up cat in the window that came in a box entitled, "My Playful Pussy".