Monday, June 11, 2007

Busy, busy, busy...

I think my blog has peaked. I'm losing popularity. At one point it had 46 blogs linked to it. Now I'm down to 36. I suspect my blog's getting boring. Hell, my life is boring. And when it isn't, I'm either too busy or too tired to write about it.

I try to keep a variety of topics going - parenting, knitting, general stuff, Oh well, if I get too many readers, Bezzie won't read me anymore. Maybe I need to get back into WPN Wednesdays. Maybe I need to update more.

(I know I'll always have at least one fervently loyal reader. Hope you enjoy your candles, by the way.)

I'm sorry that my updates have become weekly. It's summer. Whoever came up with the concept of Summer Vacation obviously didn't have three Apes to entertain every day for three months. We've had a lot going on, as usual. I'm going back through the pictures stored on my camera to remind myself of all that I haven't written about. I have an assload of photos I still have to go through in order to properly update you on the goings-on at Chez K. Chez K - I like that.

First though, I have to discuss a few things.
Oh, you won't even believe this.

This morning I found chocolate sauce on my bra.

No, I didn't eat ice cream in my skivvies (although that sounds delectably kinky), I had washed it and hung it up on my bedroom doorknob to dry, and when I took it off to get dressed today, there was a funky brown spot on the side of it. So I sniffed. No doubt about it, it was chocolate. In my illustrious parental career, I've encountered many strange stains in many strange places, but chocolate on my bra, that's a new one.

Several hours of reflection brought me to the conclusion that one of my Apes (most likely the one who's eye-level with the doorknob) must have snuck a chocolate Reisen candy from the bag on R's nightstand and, to conceal his crime, wiped the tell-tale chocolate drool on whatever was closest. My BRA.

I suppose it's comforting to know that right now The Apes are not quite clever and cunning enough to pursue lucrative careers as criminal masterminds. At least not until they learn how to destroy critical evidence.

Next topic - I hate swimsuit shopping. I mean, really, what's worse? Ok, shopping for a swimsuit for Beeb was actually just as bad, what with every designer thinking a 9-year-old girl needs to look like a skank prepping for Girls Gone Wild Junior Miss Spring Break, but I can think of very few things I wouldn't rather do than try to cram my lily-white dimpled ass into swimsuits and try to decide which one looks the least repulsive on me.

I found one at LB which I actually really liked. I had resigned myself to the fact that I was going to have to break down and get a skirted one (just like my mom has worn my entire life and which I swore I would never, ever be caught dead wearing). Swimsuits are damn expensive, but they're also damn hard to find, so I went ahead and forked over $77 for the one I liked, and planned not to wear it until I had looked everywhere else I could think of.

The next day, I went to Marshalls and found one I liked for $25. Then I also bought myself the biggest wide-brim hat I could find, because I love great big obnoxious hats, especially at the pool. I feel like I should have an umbrella drink melting in my hand. Remember the TV show Gidget, with Sally Field? The reason I bring it up - Gidget's best friend LaRue, in a memorable episode, went to the beach wearing a hat almost as big as the one I bought. I love it. It's my LaRue hat.

We haven't been swimming too much yet. It hasn't been warm enough, and the Apes are going to VBS this week (which Tito calls Occasion Bible School), as they did last week. It's lovely. I get a few hours to myself and they get to learn about God and I feel a little better about the fact that we don't go to church.

VBS is great, but after a little while, I must confess, I miss those little shits. Oh, but get this, Beebie suddenly turned all girly on me. The same child who I have to remind to brush her hair every single morning is suddenly asking me for a scrunchie. Ok, I am soooooo not a scrunchie person. I wonder if she's not a wee bit boy-crazy. Following in her mother's footsteps.

Next week Beeb goes to Summer PSR. I've had a little heart-to-heart with Beeb on my bitterness toward the Catholic church. She knows I wasn't raised Catholic and how difficult it was for me emotionally to convert. I hope to raise her with a sense that Catholics aren't the only Christians out there. I fear that my disdain for this particular church, the Church Nazi and certain aspects of the Catholic church in general has affected her. Oh well, I kinda want her to question her religious beliefs and not just be a parrot.

I got my hair cut today. I have bangs now. This is a major thing. I have spent the last several years with my bangs in various stages of the "growing out" phase. And now, they're cut. And I actually like them.

Still house hunting, still trying to save up for down payment and whatever. I don't think I'm very good at the saving money part, but I honestly am trying.

I'm still on my yarn diet and doing awesome. I'm also doing well on my garage sale diet. Last weekend I went to two church rummage sales, and at one I found a bag of superwash Shetland wool that looked interesting. I always forget which is thicker, DK or sport. It's whichever is less thick. And it might even be fingering weight, which I've never tried. Anyway, I got ten same-dye-lot skeins for $15 - about 1000 yards (give or take) of it in a pretty dusty pink and I don't know what I could make with it. So yes, I cracked. I bought yarn. But I prefer to view my falling off the wagon this way - I supported the church.

Still, $15 after spending $0 on yarn for more than 3 months still breaks down to an average of $5 a month on yarn - pretty respectable for a yarn diet, yes?

Oh, I sounded like Chef Ramsay just then.

Have I mentioned how much I love Hell's Kitchen? I love it. You know on the first episode when the new chefs have to prepare their Signature Dishes? I think it would be funny to show up with one of those Snackmaster machines that makes the little triangular sandwiches and tell Chef Ramsay that's my signature. A triangular grilled cheese sandwich. Maybe he'll look me in the eye and scream, "YOU DONKEY!!" I daresay I might actually be a little bit turned on by that. I love accents, and I don't mind a little intimidation within a certain context.

And, I also love the return of the Hoff on America's Got Freaks! What do I like best about this show? Sharon Osborne. Why? Because I do a spot-on impression of her. Perhaps I'll record a sound clip for you. I don't do a lot of celebrity impressions, but I do a really good Sharon, Suzanne Pleshette, and Edie McClurg.

I love having a blog because I can ask things I've always wanted to know and someone out there will answer me. Trillian, I think, enlightened us all about Pork Butts once. Tactless Wonder recently explained what Xanthan Gum is. I think it's so cool that you all help me out when I wonder stuff out loud. So here's my next question -

Corn: Why can we see it in our poop? I think they should make the Black Boxes on airplanes out of it. Wouldn't that make sense?


Bezzie said...

Because we already have enough planes crashing in cornfields. We don't need the black boxes returning to their homelands.

I'll still love you when you get popular.

amylovie said...

It's the high fiber content in the corn cuz. At least, that is what I'm guessin'.

The skinnier stuff is either the sport or fingering.


Dolores said...

Corn shows up in your poop because human beings cannot digest it properly! It isn't broken down by the time it's ... pooped. There you go.

Also, my verification work is ofwkcuui. Doesn't that sound like it's some sort of curseword? Or a netspeak abbreviation of one?

SiressYorkie said...

Corn doesn't digest. It gets chewed, and the juices come out and what not, but it's basically a solid starch that passes through your body the same way gravel would. That's why you get the Corn Poops because the way it goes it is pretty much the way it goes out.


(Another Anti-Catholic here too...have been for a loooooong time).

Jo said...

I'm with you on the up-and-down popularity of blogs. Mine flucuates as well and I wonder about it. The feed I subscribe to on bloglines shows 64 people reading you if that is any consolation :)

Trillian42 said...

I'm not sure how I feel about being known for knowing what pork butts are... :D

And don't despair over the linkage loss. I'm not sure, but do things like blogrolls show up as links to you? Because I'm sure there are plenty of people out there reading and linking to you.

Poops said...

Is it creepy that every time I log on to the computer, I click the link to your blog just on the off chance that you've updated it? And that if you updated it three times a day I'd never get sick of you?

Probably creepy.

I do Sharon Osbourne too. I love when she swears in her sweet accent. It's cute. I do a Mrs. Puff impersonation as well. (Edie McClurg for the Spongebob uninitiated.) I like when she's on MASH reruns and I have Bug close her eyes and guess who's voice that is.

Well, I've written my own blog entry right here.

I'll go now.

Anonymous said...

Hey, I love your blog! I'm just too lazy to go into the Blogger dashboard and add a link. And I've just been realizing that I don't comment nearly enough on other folks' blogs, because... Well, a number of reasons that should probably be discussed with a shrink. Sigh. Sorry.

buttercup said...

The fact that you do an impression of Edie McClurg delights me to no end. Please record that one and post it! Pretty please?

I actually got two skirted bathing suits on sale and then $40 off of that. They are my first ones with skirts too. My SIL wears them and that woman could wear a bikini and turn heads. Since I need the skirt more than she ever will - I caved.

Cindy said...

Some of us just read your blog and aren't linked or whatever. You probably have more like me out there than you realize. OK. That might be a concern. Be assured I do not know where you live. As for the corn. OK. You have your answer from several reliable sources. And getting yarn for $15? That much? I think you should get extra yarn diet points (like Weight Watchers).

Janelle said...

My mom always wore obnoxious hats in the sun, and while I was a little embarrassed to be seen with her, it actually came in really handy because it was so easy to spot her when we came out of the water. Especially at the beach when the place you come out of the water is never the same place you went in because of the current, we could just scan the beach and spot her right away. So I'm all for big obnoxious hats! I embarrass my own kids with them now. :)

Ed said...

Chocolate stains in the bra eh. LOL.

I used to work with sewage treatment plants on ships when I was still in the RN and the only thing that survived the process was corn.

Here's another question for you. When you vomit how come there is always diced tomatoes and carrots in it, even tho' you haven't eaten them in days?

ms. pixie riot said...

As far as swimsuits go, I've found a funky combination is the top of a two-piece swimsuit, along with a pair of guys' (or girls', really) board shorts. It's comfy, there is no bum-hanging-outage, so it seems a problem solved to me. :-)

Libi said...

Hey, according to my bloglines, you have 64 subscribed to you.

People still love ya!

Anonymous said...

Uh, the last time I vomited it did not have diced tomatoes and carrots.

And, PK, I still love you, no matter how much you blog!

Dulcedosa said...

Er? What is Pork Butt?

Big Floppy Sun Hats are MANDATORY and stylishly retro. :) I love 'em.

PS! I loved watching Gidget. Wasn't she so freakin' syrupy sweet and cute! *argh*

Sharpie said...

I wore chocolate on my shirt during field day and OF COURSE it was smack dab in the middle of my left boob - My daughter nearly died.

And corn in poop is declared Corn on the Log by my husband. you're welcome.

ZantiMissKnit said...

I can only imitate Suzanne Pleshette when my voice goes, and ZMrK thinks it's sexay. I love imitating Edie McClurg -- it feels good to talk like her! I especially love imitating one of her lines from Elvira: Mistress of the Dark -- "Is this face taken?"

Secret said...

The husbeast long before he was the husbeast, used to get into mischief with one of the guys from either last seasons hell's kitchen. The convict from Texas. Classy, eh?. we were watching it in a fast food joint, ad he looked up at the TV and and was all... "HEY! I used to work with him, heck, I was his boss!!"

Stickyfingers said...

You're still popular! I check for new entries all the time . . . ALL the time.

Cheesy Knit Wit said...

I have a cute swimsuit I bought 3 years ago, and have never worn it!!! I have this thing called PALE SKIN that is just damn scary to me, so I can imagine how it looks to other people. MOF, I will not wear short in public anymore. I am strictly a capri/clamdigger lady now.

I am glad you have blogged. I have missed your oneryness!

Kevin said...

If you need anti-churchiness, you know where you can turn now, right?