The Knitting Dimension

Here's the thing - I feel compelled to add a knitting dimension to this blog to offset the pervading theme of general bitterness. I don't think of it as bitterness. I think of it as self-deprecating humor that occasionally adopts a different target than myself, and then it's just HUMOR.

SO, needles up to the knitting blog blab - I knit, and I love it. I'm pretty sure it's the only thing I've ever sucked at, yet still enjoyed. I'm probably too tough on myself, I'm really not that bad. As long as it's a fairly simple pattern that doesn't require tricky seaming, I'm pretty good. Scarves, for example, are currently my raison d'etre, mainly because I can never afford to buy the amount of yarn necessary to make anything substantial like a vest or a sweater. I think I'll gather all my knitted stuff that I haven't given away and take a pic and post it like the proud creator that I am. Then I can also send thanks and mad props to the secret pal that pulls my name in the Knitty Holiday Secret Pal thing I'm doing.

Right now I'm making my mom a poncho if I can figure out how to do it, and I started on this scarf using this really pretty Lion Brand Landscapes yarn that was 50% off at the Hobby Lobby that just opened right by me (WOO HOO!!!), but I did it in stockinette and the edges are curling under funny so I'm going to see if felting and blocking it helps. I like being able to putz around with my work and so there really aren't any mistakes. I love that. If only the rest of my life were like that. If only I could knit dinner. Or a minivan.

KICKASS! I got RAK'ed!

I'm sure I've mentioned that I knit for fun (and I think I also mentioned that I kinda suck at it) and one day I happened across Knitty.com - which is the greatest thing ever. This week alone I've gotten two Random Acts of Kindness boxes full of fun yarn and needles! Wheeeeeeeeeeee!!Now I can put off housework just a little longer. Like I need an excuse for that.

Today's domestic duties include laundry and dishes and continuing the seasonal wardrobe transitions in the kids' closets. I was going to do laundry right when I got up in the morning but I didn't, and then just now DS #1 waddled into the computer room bowlegged and asked me to "please address the poopy situation". I'll spare you the details of the steaming, bubbling, chunky green diarrhea, but suffice it to say that I have since started the laundry.

Her Parents Must Be So Proud

And now, from the "please tell me she's not serious about that outfit" file -



Yeah, that's Juliette Lewis.

I wonder if I could knit that bikini thing... and the Viking helmet.

Random Thoughts and Astute Observations

And Now, A Collection of Random, Yet Extremely Profound Thoughts

I've got too much on my mind and as I search to find a connecting thread to use as a title I realize that all I can come up with is Random Thoughts.

Random Thought #1 - The reason I got into this blog thing in the first place was because my cousin Amy has all of her knitting triumphs brilliantly displayed in blog form. Here's hers (DISCLAIMER - if you don't know the difference between acrylic worsted weight yarns and self-striping sock yarns, you might not get it):

http://www.amylovie.blogspot.com/

I've seen tons of witty knitting blogs. I'm a novice knitter, so I don't think I'm really worthy of a knitting blog yet. I will say that since I started knitting about 6 months ago or so, I've lost about 20 pounds. The correlation of course, is that you can't eat while you're knitting. Maybe I'll put up a pic of my kids wearing the stuff I knit for them, if I can figure out how to post a photo.

Random Thought #2 - I love reality shows, but is it really reality to compile a bunch of women who just happen to look fantastic in bikinis and make them bungee jump into a cave teeming with rabid bats while sucking back a pilsner glass of aardvark bile? One day the big girls of the world will unite and squash the reality show casting directors. By sitting on them.

Random Thought #3 - THE PAST TENSE OF SEE IS NOT SEEN. I don't know what's been going on but I've SEEN an exponential increase in this particular grammatical faux pas. I'll have to make a list of all of the butcherings of the English language that I encounter on a daily basis.

Random Thought #3a - On the subject of the English Language and the Americanization thereof; I know nobody else probably cares, but I love to see the words that are added to the American Lexicon every year. This year's additions are Bikini Wax, Brain Freeze, and Chick Flick. Worthy choices, all. Although I'd be leerie of any sentence containing the three together.

Random Thought #3b - Only slightly less than I love linguistics and the study of the subtleties of languages, I love my adoreable husband, who bought me The Dictionary Of American Slang, because he knew I would love it. Show me another girl who's received The DOAS as a birthday gift. Bonus points if she squealed with glee when she opened it as I did (instead of smacking the giver in the cranium with it). Lemme know how that search goes.

Random Thought #4 - Is it just me or does Tony Blair sound exactly like C-3PO? Close your eyes and listen... it's creepy.

Random Thought #5 - I really suck at knitting. When I get better I'll add a Knitting Dimension to my blog, instead of just bitter rants. I've figured out that the only reason I knit is because I thrive on external affirmation. I love when people tell me something I did is brilliant, delicious or hilarious. Yesterday I mentioned my Martha Stewart theory. I have a theory that Martha Stewart is the same sort of person. Hell, if I had unlimited time and money, I could decoupage my hen house too. I'm onto you, Martha. You have self-esteem issues, and so do your followers. And if they don't have self-esteem issues before they attempt one of your oh-so-fulfilling-yet-simple projects, they will before they're done. I'd love to hate Martha, but those organically grown lemon apricot tartlets are just so scrumptious! Sarcasm is often lost in the written word, sadly.

Random Thought #6 - With all the money they have, why don't Bill Gates and Donald Trump have better hair? Somebody needs to introduce those two to Fantastic Sam. Maybe I'll mail them each a coupon.

ANOTHER UNSOLICITED PRODUCT REVIEW (you know you love them):

Try Crest Whitening Expressions in Cinnamon Blast, and you'll never go back to basic mint again. Every other toothpaste tastes like caulk.

Hiya, I'm Penny Karma!

Inspired by the new NBC TV show, "My Name Is Earl" (which is highly worth checking out, if you haven't), I decided to give some thought to the concept behind the show - the idea that bad things happen to people who do bad things, and good things happen to people who do good things. Simple concept.

I was looking back over my own life and a common theme appeared. A lot of people have pissed me off when I didn't deserve it. And of course, karma would dictate that bad things should befall them. Not necessarily the fire and brimstone, sackcloth and ashes, weeping and gnashing of teeth variety; but perhaps more like the paper cut, get in the slowest line at the grocery store when you're in a hurry, stepping in gum sort. Not pure undiluted evil, just minor inconveniences and annoyances.

The problem with karma is that you have to kinda just believe that everybody gets what they give in the end. You don't often get to witness karma at work on some jackass who done ya wrong. And that sucks. Is it wrong to want annoying things to happen to annoying people? YES, I know technically it kinda is. My dad is a minister so I'm well aware of the fact that Jesus said vengeance is his and we're not supposed to let our minds hatch maniacal revenge plots.

But they're such fun.

Now wait, before ya freak out, lemme clarify - I'm a good person. I leave more pennies in the penny cups than I take out. I love performing random acts of kindness. When someone does a good job, I tell them I appreciate them. Customer service reps usually have especially amusing reactions to kind words as they're not used to hearing them.

I've never put sugar in anyone's gas tank, never stalked anybody, never left a pile of flaming poop on someone's doorstep. And I suppose the argument could be made that if people pissed me off then I probably pissed a whole bunch of people off through the course of my thirty-four years, but dang! Did I deserve to be fired from my job when I was six months pregnant? Uh, NO. Did I deserve to do the job of two people without a pay increase, and leave work in tears every day? Definitely not. Did I deserve for a co-worker to make up an entirely bogus list of things I'd done wrong and give it to my boss behind my back in order to protect her own job? Oh yeah, I was pregnant then too, by the way.

These people, in a word, SUCK.

I worked my ass off for these people. I only have a lil bitty nub of ass left. HA! Ok, maybe ass size should not be used to illustrate this point. But I digress...

So anyway, I thought it might be therapeutic and practically harmless to document the transgressions of these individuals who have pissed me off here in my Blog Sweet Blog for posterity.

Then I read this article:

http://lifestyle.msn.com/MindBodyandSoul/PersonalGrowth/ArticleLHJ.aspx?cp-documentid=21611

It's about letting go of grudges. And one of the article's recommendations for doing so is confronting the person against whom you bear said grudge. But that's not always practical.

Behold my brilliance.

Welcome to my open forum for confronting the PWHPMO's (pee-whip-moes) - People Who Have Pissed Me Off.

You're welcome to play along at home. Who hasn't gone to their high school reunion with the secret wish that all the Mean Girls got really really fat? Do you ever inch your car up in order to prevent the jerk who cut you off a mile back from merging into your lane? Come on, we all want to see people get what we think they deserve or reality shows wouldn't be so popular! There's always the person you're kinda pulling for and the person you love to hate, right? Of course, sometimes we're rooting for the villain, but that's part of the fun of it. Whether we admit it or not, we love Schadenfreude. Look it up.

Did you for even a moment snicker at the thought of Martha Stewart in prison? Ya know ya did! That's a sitcom waiting to happen, for cryin out loud. More power to her for working the a bad situation to her advantage. Mad props, sistah. I have a theory on Martha Stewart and her loyal army of Stewartites that I'll have to share with you another day.

Lest I be viewed as a negative, bitter person (which I'm truly NOT), I think I'll throw in a positive paragraph or two just to keep the balance. Cuz that's what karma's all about.

Here ya go. Ahem.

AN UNSOLICITED PRODUCT REVIEW by me:

Until recently, I thought that all mascaras were pretty much the same. They all perform the same function. Some curl, some thicken, some strengthen, some lengthen, some enlongate - but any one type of mascara is pretty much interchangable with any other. I would be willing to wager that I, as someone who uses mascara every day, would be unable to tell the difference between a $2.99 mascara and a $20 one. I'm even more sure that my husband would be unable to tell the difference on me.

Enter Unstoppable by Maybelline. I love the brush, I love that it doesn't make my eyelashes look like tarantula legs, and it's supercheap. Yay!!

For the record, that Great Lash crap sucks. Whoops, sorry... must stay positive... focus...